May 28^th, Spike

I am a huge fan of roasts.  Some of the funniest moments I’ve seen on any screen consisted of professional insulters eviscerating roast guests and audience members.  I still laugh when I remember Jeff Ross delivering the line “I wouldn’t fuck her (Sandra Bernhard) with Bea Arthur’s dick”—followed by a smash cut to Arthur’s reaction.

So when the guest of honor is the Chairman Emeritus of insult comedy, my expectations are going to be sky-high.  Further boosting my expectations was the incredible list of speakers which included David Letterman, Jerry Seinfeld, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, Eddy Murphy, Jimmy Kimmel, Tracy Morgan and Jon Stewart.  My only concern coming in is that the speakers might be too reverent of the roastee and we won’t get the same sort of great roast that we got with Drew Carey, where every comic made jokes about Carey taking it in the crapper.

Unfortunately, my sole fear came true.  The tribute was actually a tribute and not a roast.  It was nice, really nice, to see the love and respect held for Rickles by everyone in the room, but it didn’t deliver what I was hoping to see.  Hitters like Seinfeld and Stewart were gently funny, as were Bill Cosby and Jimmy Kimmel.

That doesn’t mean that the night was without some good jokes—including a few from unlikely sources.  Martin Scorsese and Robert DeNiro were surprisingly funny together.  Scorsese looked at Rickles and said, “If I were directing this, I don’t think I would have gone with the open casket.”

DeNiro hit a handful of line drives, starting with the observation that Rickles’ hiring as a bit part in Casino was affirmative action for Jews (and that Jackie Mason wasn’t available).  He later turned to Rickles and said, “The scene where Pesci beats the crap out of you turned out to be one of the most popular scenes in the move—who hasn’t wanted to do that?”

He then made fun the repeated mention of Rickles’ relationship with Frank Sinatra, “I’m so fucking sick of hearing about Sinatra.  He’s fucking dead.  Dead is the average age of your fans.”

And he closed by saying, “Don is something rare, a wonderful human being.  If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be able to get away with being such as asshole.”

Tracy Morgan was very funny.  He defended Donald Sterling by saying “If I owned the Clippers for thirty losing years, I’d hate black people, too” and got a big laugh with “Don’s old school: no filters on his cigarette, no ice in his glass and no condoms.”

News anchor Brian Williams did a nice job making fun of both Spike and CPO Sharkey, Rickles foray into sitcoms, prior to introducing a highlight clip taken from Rickles’ legendary run on Carson.  I never saw Rickles on Carson and was blown away by their comedic chemistry—Rickles’ barbs and Carson’s facility as a straight man.  Regis Philbin introduced some funny clips of Rickles insulting Frank Sinatra, which was enjoyable.

Some of the “roastier” moments came when speakers make fun of Rickles’ racist and sexist jokes.  Kimmel told the story of Rickles tipping Latino busboys $20 and telling them, “send this home and buy your mothers a house.”  And Poehler and Fey were probably the best of the night, ripping rapid-fire on Rickles’s sexism.

Rickles himself is still funny.  When given the opportunity to close, Rickles said “I say this from my heart—this is a long night” and dropped an old-school racist joke, “Here we are in the home of the blacks (The Apollo Theater) and I see three.  I’m sure one of you is upstairs robbing my hotel room.”

Rickles has earned this reverence, mind you, and I suppose that I can’t complain that a great performer was given a loving tribute.  He’s earned it.  However, I would have preferred to see the speakers celebrate his art by emulating it.  That said, you saw an emotional Rickles truly grasping and appreciating his own good fortune.  And the event left me wanting more Rickles.

The post One Night Only: An All-Star Comedy Tribute to Don Rickles appeared first on screensnark..

I love Property Brothers.  It is simple and it is formulaic, but formulaic is just fine when you have a great formula.

And Property Brothers does.  The format is simple.  A couple has a list of wants and needs for their next home which they cannot afford in their local market.  The Property Brothers come in and help them select a home at a price which they can afford.  They then they proceed to renovate the home so that it meets the wants and needs of the couple and comes in with their budget..

Unlike most reality fare, I almost always like everyone involved.  The home buyers uniformly appreciate what the Property Brothers do.  I like grateful people.  And they pitch in.  I like people who pitch in.  And what can I say about the Property Brothers?  They’re here to help.  They’re not daunted by your problem—they can fix it.  Are they a little too pretty for dudes? Perhaps.  By darn it, they are useful guys to have around.

Property Brothers appeals to both genders because it gives each a steady does of what it craves.  For women, it is a show about nesting.  For men, it gives a steady stream guys solving problems with their brains and their hands.  It’s almost solution porn.

Let’s see what Cam and Joe have to say:

Cam:

When I first learned that I would be writing an article wherein Phil would choose the show to watch I groaned aloud. I did because I knew for a fact that it would be an HGTV show. My wife is an HGTV fan, I am much less so. She watches Property Virgins, Love it or List it, House Hunters, and International House Hunters pretty regularly and I’ll watch with her if I’ve got nothing better to do, like stick needles in my eye. My biggest complaint is that I can’t invest in these shows because they’re so fake. Everything within the show is so obviously staged that I feel like I’m watching shitty actors doing boring things. Imagine Breaking Bad if Walter and Skyler White looked at houses for an hour. Actually, don’t imagine that. Breaking Bad would have found a way to make that amazing. They made an hour of television about catching a fly for god’s sakes. Unfortunately I did not watch Breaking Bad, I watched Property Brothers. This series is so lame that even my wife doesn’t want anything to do with it. The show revolves around Drew Scott, a real estate agent and his brother Jonathan, a contractor. Two metrosexual twins who show “shitty” properties to prospective buyers and what they can turn them into. Then the buyers choose a property and they renovate the place and act super amazed when they see how different their home looks without walls.

The episode I watched centered on newlywed couple Rob and Janice, whose budget cap is $750,000. That’s another thing I hate about this show. I’m not trying to start any class wars, but these uppity rich people with their demands make me fucking sick. Very occasionally on Property Virgins they’ll show someone with an actual realistic budget, and those are more enjoyable to watch. It’s more relatable to me as a poor person to see a person have to choose between having a washer and dryer in their house or 1 full bathroom. Usually, and especially with International House Hunters, you’re watching people choose whether to live on the beach or have 100 acres. Anyways, in this episode the couple has a list of “needs” that include such banal upper-class bullshit like a modern house flow and a hot tub. Suck my dick, Rob. I understand that you’ve become somewhat successful to have a budget max of $750,000, but if a hot tub is on your list of needs you’re losing me as a sympathizer. The brothers show them a house that’s perfect and has everything they need and it turns out to cost 1.4 million fucking dollars, $650,000 over budget. I was hoping that this was to show them that they’re idiots and their demands are unrealistic, but it was more of a setup for Jonathan to tell them that he can renovate any old home to look just like this dream house. Do they do this every episode? I imagine this gimmick gets old fast. “Hey honey, what’d I miss?” “Oh you know, the dummy house part. They were so disappointed!”

The brothers then show them around to two different houses that look like palaces to me. Of course they act disgusted at every stupid thing they see. Sometimes I understand their skepticism when it comes to things like the kitchen layout, but when they’re criticizing stupid things like blinds and wallpaper I roll my eyes. You’re making the biggest decision of your lives, and can’t see past a 50 buck trip to Home Depot? This is actually a complaint I have in just about every HGTV show. This couple is particularly infuriating as they act as if they aren’t open to any kind of renovations. This is bullshit, right? This HAS to be bullshit, they have obviously agreed to take part of a show where renovations are one of the main focus’. Just more of the obviously fake stuff that takes me out of the show. They’re shown (via 90’s era CGI)  what the houses COULD look like, and they agree on a house, and buy it. The couple decides to help keep costs down by helping with the renovation themselves*. Yadda Yadda Yadda there’s some unexpected costs, and a hilariously staged fight between the couple prompting Jonathan to “kick them out” until the renovations are over. If that’s what arguing is, then apparently most conversations I have with my wife are actually arguments. They might be, I’m pretty oblivious to social norms. In the end everything fits into budget, including the hot tub! Thank god, I was really worried about that one. Meanwhile, I’m raising a family in a house that’s the size of one floor of their home, and 3 generations of Mexican families are living in shacks the size of their guest bathroom. I get the appeal of the show, it is escapist entertainment. It’s kind of neat to see houses transformed into different houses. Like watching an episode of Transformers where the creepily handsome property brothers take four weeks reassembling a truck into a robot. Except I’d rather watch that.

*Hell yes, I would be all over this shit. Unfortunately every single wall in my house is kind of essential, or I’d be sledgehammering the shit out of the place like Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes. Did anyone ever see Human Wrecking Balls on G4 some years ago? Now THAT was an amazing show. It’s the Property Brothers I’d watch every day. Literally it was just these two big brother guys that would go into a place and wreck it. Not with tools, but by punching and kicking the walls and appliances. I realize my love for that makes me simple, but I am simple. It was amazing! Why did it only last one season? They punched a Cessna airplane until it was nothing. If the show had gone on I’d like to think they would have just kept punching bigger things like a 747.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Joe

I fucking hated Property Brothers. Reminds me of why I hate HGTV bullshit so much. WHO THE FUCK HAS 195K IN CASH TO DROP ON A HOUSE? “Yeah, you can probably offer about 5K less because the seller should be very receptive to a cash offer.” A FUCKING CASH OFFER? NO SHIT THE SELLER IS GONNA BE RECEPTIVE TO A FUCKING CASH OFFER. If someone made a cash offer on my house, I’d assume that it’s the fucking mafia, and I either accept the cash offer or I sleep with the fishes see. A fucking cash offer. Fuck that fucking bitch Olivia and her fucking gigantic Nancy Kerrigan meets Sarah Jessica Parker face. Fuck that bitch. Olivia sweetheart, if you’re out there, I’m sorry, but fuck you.

Rest assured, it’s not the property I hate about Property Brothers, and it’s not the Brothers I hate about Property Brothers. The houses seem to be run of the mill standard houses, usually not too outlandish like their House Hunters International brethren. The Brothers are affable twins, one of whom handles the real estate while the other handles the rehabbing. They seem like good dudes.

But the people, FUCKING SHIT THE PEOPLE. These types of shows only seem to attract a certain type of asshole, who does not comprehend that if you go on TV complaining about minuscule decorating details, or being as cavalier with your wealth as humanly possible, the vast unwashed majority of us are going to resent you to the point of wishing slow, painful, penis and/or vagina mutilating death. Either that, or the HGTV format just pushes people to over the edge of the fuckhead cliff, down into the valley of OHMYFUCKINGGOD QUIT COMPLAINING ABOUT THE CARPETING AND THE SMALLISH MASTER BEDROOM YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH!

I’d love to watch this show with my wife once a week, if HGTV could promise me that they were only going to get everyday people who have to take out a mortgage to buy a home, and that they will be edited in such a way as to limit the number of times that I want to punch a hole through my TV and the wall behind it. Since I have years of evidence that suggests that’s never going to happen, fuck the Property Brothers right in their oversized and weirdly shaped heads.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

If you would like to decide for yourself, Property Brothers airs several times each day on HGTV.

The post Switch Hitter: Property Brothers appeared first on screensnark..

Cam

Boardwalk Empire, a show that was cool before it even started. Featuring the quirky, always liked Steve Buscemi in the lead, legendary filmmaker Martin Scorcese behind the scenes, and based in one of the most interesting time periods in American history. Prohibition, when alcohol was outlawed and criminals started to organize. With the fourth season having just wrapped up, it’s of this writer’s opinion that the show has never been so good as it was during it’s very first season. Our introduction to the show and the quick paced action within the first season remains some of the most compelling stuff we’ve seen yet. We started with two main characters, Enoch “Nucky” Thompson, played so ably by Mr. Buscemi, a corrupt city treasurer who immediately begins using prohibition to his advantage as he secures steady shipments of booze pocketing much more of the profit than he would have otherwise. We’re also introduced to James “Jimmy” Darmody, a young man come home from the first World War working for Nucky. Jimmy’s an interesting character, violent, effortlessly badass, and ambitious to a fault. Within the first episode he begins forging friendships with the likes of Al Capone to start some real gangster shit.

As far as we can tell, this is some of the first real organized gangster shit the world has seen up to that point. Nucky Thompson is also a badass, just a much more subtle, understated, wise sort of a badass. He doesn’t need to hit you in the face, but will give you an admonishing look that packs the same punch. The first episode, which was actually directed by Scorsese, is indicative of what viewers were to see for the first season. An extremely fun look into the time when underground kings were made. Throw into the mix a psychologically imbalanced prohibition agent, and a beautiful abused Irish wife that Nucky has his eye on and the table was set for one of the best seasons of not only Boardwalk Empire, but of any premium cable program.

Phil

Cam,

I assumed that you would choose Season One or Two because you are such a Darmody fan (who isn’t?). And you are correct in that Season One was great. After two or three episodes, I was fully in. But you’re wrong regarding which season is the best. The answer to that is clearly Season 3.

Nucky is a great star of the series, but it is because he plays the Seinfeld role. He is even-keeled, logical and deliberate in his actions while everyone around him does crazy things. He is the straight man. Nucky doesn’t create mayhem, he actively combats mayhem because it is bad for business. Hell, he forgave Eli (after appropriate penance, natch) because that was the best business move he could make. He only took out Jimmy when Jimmy’s past mistakes and continuous battles made him disruptive to business.

So, if Nucky is the straight man, each season of Boardwalk Empire will only be as compelling as its villain. And Season 3 gave us an incomparable villain. Bobby Cannavale’s Gyp Rosetti was the perfect foil for Nucky. He was loud and brash where Nucky was quiet and understated. He was impulsive when Nucky was calculated. He didn’t believe that business wasn’t personal. “Everyone’s (in business) a person, though, right? So how else could they take it?” he famously replied when Nucky suggested that he not take business decisions personally.

Gyp liked to choke himself with a belt while fucking hookers. He was big, violent and always one perceived slight away from exploding. He was violent for fun and cruel for affect. And he was over-the-top insolent to his criminal peers—he called Nucky “pasty-faced”, “cocksucking” and a “breadstick in a bow tie” in a meeting to discuss distribution.

I know, Cam, that you are a great fan of the show and can give me 100 great moments from Season 1, but Season 1 didn’t have Gyp Rosetti. And Gyp Rosetti played against Nucky better than any character on the show. Because Nucky was always Nucky, the make or break factor in every season was his nemesis. And you can’t find a better nemesis than Gyp.

Best, Phil

Gyp Washington

Cam

Dear Phil,

You got me, seasons 1 and 2 are absolutely my favorite seasons. You’re also right about those being in large part to Jimmy Darmody. You are ALSO somewhat right (when you’re right you’re right) about the best seasons being as good as their overarching nemesis to Nucky. Where I disagree with you, however, is the best nemesis. To me, the best “villain”, that being one who is diametrically opposed to Nucky, is the combined forces of season 2. Season 2 saw his protege Jimmy, team up with his former mentor, The Commodore. Throw in Nucky’s own brother betraying him and the fact that Nucky overcame all that he did in season 2, it’s pretty amazing. However, I’m not arguing for season 2, I’m arguing for season 1. This is why I said you’re somewhat right.

Because, as I demonstrated, even IF I fully agreed with you, I wouldn’t agree with your pick. Season 2 was the best for enemies, but season 1 had the second best enemy, prohibition agent Nelson Van Alden. We see him on the show NOW almost as comic relief. Just a big dumb fella bumbling from accident to another with an occasional outburst of insane rage. Season 1’s Van Alden is almost a different cat entirely. Van Alden started as a smart, meticulous detective type with some insane rage bubbling right underneath his skin. He believed he had the righteousness of the lord on his side, and was simultaneously dorky and scary as hell. Whereas Gyp Rosetti is completely driven by his temper, Van Alden’s only surfaced occasionally, making the tension for any of his scenes palpable. Also, another person who was sided against Nucky this season was Arnold Rothstein. Another real life derived character, and within the show, one smart cookie. With calculating intelligence rivaling Nucky, and gangster muscle Charles “Lucky” Luciano, Rothstein was opposed to Nucky from the first episode to the last. Not something to write off completely.

It’s not all about the bad guy, though. Season 1 is the best overall for story. Story is the most important thing, and in my opinion this show started out as a steamroller, but it’s running out of gas lately. That’s why it’s easy for me to rate the show from best seasons to worse, 1,2,3,4.

Agent Crazy Eyes

Phil

Cam,

Your erudition is exceeded only by your irresistible charm, but that doesn’t make you less wrong.

I’ll disagree regarding Rosetti being driven only by temper. He’s driven by inferiority and always has something to prove. He acts fearlessly, but is always afraid of that he’s not being respected by the other gangsters. And he’s afraid that he’s not going to get what he feels he deserves, which is everything. Add to that the fact that he is charming when he wants to be and prone to shocking violence and you get a complex, wildly-interesting villain. And Cannavale can act, too. His portrayal of Rosetti is way-over-the-top, yet somehow still subtle. His Rosetti comes across like a Pacino character, but in a much more menacing package.

I’d be loathe to omit mentioning the havoc that Rosetti wreaks on Nucky. In Season 3, we see Nucky on the run and dodging bullets. He has to seek protection from Chalky White and Atlantic City’s black gangsters. Chalky’s decision to stand up to Rosetti and not give Nucky up is one of the finest moments of the series. And let’s not forget Al Capone showing up with the cavalry and telling Nucky and Chalky, “Let’s go sit down and figure out who dies.”

Admit it. You got wood.

As an aside, you raise a hell of a good point about Van Alden. Somehow, I forgot how great he was. It was incredible watching his stern focus and hyper-righteousness slowly corrupt until he had lost his identity entirely. Nobody (who is still alive) has lost more than him. His story arc was pure plot candy. And amongst us dudes, I probably make the trade of (literal) self-flagellation for the opportunity to tap Paz de la Huerta. Surrounded by a murderer’s row of great actors, Michael Shannon might turn in the second-most outstanding performance in the show.

We agree about Rothstein, as well. He might be my favorite secondary character on the show. Beyond the way that he shows up to gently move the plot along, I love the way he thinks and talks. I could probably watch a “Best of Rothstein subtly insulting people while trying to instruct them” DVD several times before getting bored.

Respectfully, Phil

“Nobody here can take a joke.”

Cam

Dearest Phil,

Let me just begin by saying that I am absolutely through and through a Rosetti fuckin’ fan. I believe Bobby Cannavale did an incredible job with the character. I feel like we’re splitting hairs, however, when I say that he’s driven by his temper and you say he’s driven by his inferiority complex. I feel like all of his insecurities just attribute to his over the top temper that goes off at the slightest provocation. He was scary, lighting cops on fire, beating people’s heads with shovels. One of my favorite lines from season 3 came from Gyp after Nucky’s advice about not taking things personally. At first Gyp seemed content, then later stewed on the words and came to the conclusion, “What the fuck is life if it’s not personal?” So good.

Gyp Rosetti was certainly the highlight of season 3. Other notables from that season were the aforementioned Al Capone appearance in Atlantic City, and Richard Harrow’s amazing Commando style raid on Rosetti’s holdout (AKA Gillian’s brothel). Oh, and if you’re going to mention Paz De La Huerta, the nakedest actress in show business, I’d be remiss to mention season 3’s Meg Steedle playing showgirl Billy Kent. Sexy.

Having said that, there was simply too much in season 3 that DIDN’T click for me. Margaret’s subplot about opening a women’s clinic was boring as shit. Maybe it was revolutionary shit for the time, but it simply wasn’t entertaining. Christopher McDonald’s character of Harry Daugherty was given plenty of screen time for some reason to go over his corruption and investigation. Another real life occurrence that was just boring to watch. This was also the first season without Jimmy, and it was hurt by that. His replacement in Nucky’s organization, Owen, was shown to be a capable enough enforcer himself. However in season 3 for whatever reason he was castrated, and all the screen time he was given was devoted to him reminiscing fondly about Irish fields and shit with Margaret as they planned their escape. Then he was killed off screen! That’s unacceptable.

My main point is that while I liked Gyp Rosetti a lot, and I LIKED season 3, it just wasn’t enough to me to lift it up to the standards set by the first two seasons. It had it’s share of fuck yeah moments, but plenty of drudgery. My main reason for picking season 1 is simple. I was never bored watching it.

RIP Cameron’s Favorite Character

Phil

Cam,

First things first: Shooter McGavin entering a situation is never a negative.  I don’t care if the situation is you and your lady having some sexy time on a bearskin rug by the fire.

Second, let us not forget that Season 3 gives us Nucky’s greatest move—convincing Masseria to walk away from Rosetti and cut Rosetti’s army down to a manageable size.  And then, then he has all of Masseria’s men wiped out on their way out of town to punish Masseria for sending his men after him in the first place.

I don’t put too much stock in awards, but it is worth noting that Cannavale won an Emmy for Season 3.  Boardwalk has won 17 Emmys, but Cannavale’s is the only acting Emmy (Buscemi & MacDonald have noms, but no wins).  It is no coincidence that Season 3 is the only season where one of the actors rose above an incredibly crowded field to win the prize.

In broader context, Season 3 of Boardwalk compares favorably with all but a couple Sopranos seasons– and you know Terence Winter will have the decency not to end the series with us holding our dicks yelling ‘What the fuck happened?’ (Choke on a cock, David Chase.)  There were no boring moments.  It was tense stem to stern.  And while I agree 100% that Seasons 1 & 2 were great, their greatness served as the foundation on which Season 3, Boardwalk’s finest, was built.

Until next time, Phil

Want to join the debate?  Enter your comments below.  Unless you agree with Cam.  Then you can go pee on yourself.

The post Point-Counterpoint: Which is the best season of Boardwalk Empire? appeared first on screensnark..

Switch Hitter is the companion piece to Some Like It Watched.  Unlike SLIW, where one person picks a popular show which is surprisingly popular and we try to figure out the reason for its success, Switch Hitter calls for one ScreenSnarker to pick a show which she or he likes and have two fellow writers try to figure out what she or he likes about it.

This week, Shelly chose American Horror Story: Coven, which airs Wednesday at 10:00 on FX.

Shelly

I love American Horror Story. It reminds me of some of my old favs like Battlestar Galactica and even Buffy… but tending to be more demented and twisted. I watch TV with my kids and those kinds of shows are mostly light and airy. But AHS is anything but…

I love the theme music it makes me feel sexy and yet evil at the same time, even if only for an hour. I get all tingly when a show is rated TVMVLAS (STD HPV lol) it means there will be indeed butthole and boobs, or the like. AHS is an Anthology rather than a trilogy. The seasons not being connected at but past actors and actresses popping up in roles you’d never expect them to be in. I have loved every season of AHS. This season: “Coven” is off the chain. I love witches and weird supernatural shit. I even applied to be a witch of Newbern (North Carolina??!!) in the back of my Cosmopolitan in 8th grade (Like WTF mom and dad why was I allowed to read Cosmo?) but Bridgette Nielson was the head witch. So that should have been my clue. I never did become a witch and now I get that witches don’t exist (but whores do) but I love the genre of witches and the history of how they intertwine with the history of the nation.

I hope my boys enjoy it. Creators Ryan Murphy (of Glee for shits sake!) and Brad Falchuk have created a world rich in detail and good campy fun. I picked it because I think its well written, well acted, keeps you on your toes and is never boring. The whole look and feel of the show is amazing. Also Jessica Lange should have her own channel 24/7. i’d watch her act out a dog food commercial. Woman makes me feel woozy and inferior all in one.

Enjoy

Rob

I must begin by mentioning that I love American Horror Story. The show debuted in 2011 on FX and has defied convention in various fashions. Firstly, this show is a horror television show, which is a rarity on its own (I can’t think of another current television show that focuses on horror, except for maybe Two and a Half Men). Second, the storylines and locales of each season change and the cast of characters is completely different between seasons, which is unheard of in scripted televsion. Most of the actors return between seasons, but to have them play completely different characters is unique. And third, the themes covered on each season cover different topics that are truly American horror stories in their own nature, as well as exploring and deconstructing classic American horror narratives. There are also nods to famous horror movies throughout the series.

The first season, simply titled “American Horror Story”, was mostly located inside a haunted house in Los Angeles. Rather than simply focusing on ghosts and ghouls, the show used this location to deconstruct various problems with the American family. There was a Columbine-esque school shooter storyline. Jessica Lange’s next-door neighbor was a nightmarish classic Hollywood actress reminiscent of “Mommie Dearest”. The two main characters underwent a pregnancy similar to that in “Rosemary’s Baby”. And the main family couldn’t move out of the haunted house due to the collapse of the housing market, as they were unable to sell the property.

The second season, now titled “American Horror Story: Asylum”, took place at a mental institution (insane asylum) in the 1950s. This season dealt with the horrors of institutionalization but also had other classic horror elements, such as alien abduction, a serial killer psychiatrist, a former-Nazi “Dr. Mengele” character who performs experiments on his patients, and a nun possessed by the devil. Within this season, broader themes were explored such as the attempts to reform homosexuality through shock treatments, religion vs. science with regards to curing patients, and abortion.

The third (current) season is titled “American Horror Story: Coven”. Now the focus has shifted to the classic and truly American story of witches. The story takes place in New Orleans at a sort of Professor Xavier’s School of Witchcraft. The season begins in the 1800s with the story of Delphine LaLaurie (Kathy Bates), who is an evil plantation owner who tortures and mutilates her slaves at her mansion (the mansion becomes the school of witchcraft). She ends up torturing the wrong slave, who turns out to be related to Marie Laveau (Angela Bassett), who is a powerful Cajun witch. Laveau performs a series of spells to make LaLaurie’s life a living hell. She casts a spell of undying on LaLaurie and then buries her alive. As the story comes to modern times, Fiona Goode (Jessica Lange), the headmistress of the witch school and “supreme witch” of the coven (the supreme being the most powerful witch in the coven), discovers the grave of LaLaurie and finds her to still be alive, having been buried for over 150 years.

We meet four of the young witches in the coven: Zoe Benson (Taissa Farmiga), Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts), Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe) and Nan (Jamie Brewer). Each witch has their own powers (in respective order, telekinesis, pyrokinesis, human voodoo doll, and clairvoyance). There are also a few other witches in the coven, such as Cordelia Foxx (Sarah Paulson), who is Fiona’s daughter; Myrtle Snow (Frances Conroy), who heads the coven’s council, and Misty Day (Lily Rabe), a hippie witch who lives in the bayou and has the power to revive and heal the dead.

This most recent episode, entitled “Burn, Witch. Burn!” has a few different plotlines. The young witches are trapped in the school with LaLaurie and the place is surrounded by an army of zombies resurrected by Laveau. Three of the zombies turn out to be LaLaurie’s daughters, who we saw hanging from the front of the mansion in a previous episode. What was unclear to me is why LaLaurie was grieving at the sight of her dead children. This episode showed a flashback where one of the daughters had brought a “gentleman caller” to the mansion for a Halloween party and LaLaurie brought him into her “house of horrors”. He was told to put his hand into a stewpot and was asked what he felt. He thought he felt grapes but when LaLaurie lifted the cover, it was a pot full of eyeballs, and the camera cuts to a scene of slaves having their eyeballs removed. LaLaurie is an awful human being. The gentleman leaves the house and LaLaurie tells her daughter that he was weak and unworthy. The daughters then plot to kill their evil mother, but she catches wind of it and decides to torture her own children by locking them up for a year and feeding them feces. Why show this flashback? We know she is an awful person, but if she would torture her own children (who wanted to kill her), why would she show remorse later? Perhaps she is turning over a new leaf in her life? Anyways, this plotline somewhat resolves itself at the end of the episode when the young witches fight off the zombies (involving some awesome chainsaw work that would put “The Walking Dead” to shame) and we discover that Zoe may end up being the new supreme witch.

Continuing from the previous episode is the aftermath of the acid attack on Cordelia, which results in the disfigurement of her face and complete loss of eyesight, however the attack appears to have opened up a new power. As her husband clutched onto her hands, she suddenly was able to read his mind and could see the murder that he had committed in the previous episode. It will be interesting to see where this plotline goes from here. Also, while Fiona was visiting in the hospital, she ends up going on a booze and drug bender and has an oddly tender scene in a hospital room with a young woman (Meg Steedle, who previously played the tragic Billie Kent on “Boardwalk Empire”). Fiona uses her powers to help revive the woman’s stillborn baby, showcasing her supreme powers.

Random observance: the house servant Spaulding (Denis O’Hare) dancing around his room of dolls, dressed as a doll himself, with the dead body of Madison rotting in a box, echoes of various horror tropes like “Psycho” and “Silence of the Lambs”. It’s campy moments like this that add a disturbed sense of humor to the show.

Finally, one plotline involved Fiona being put on trial in front of the coven’s council for the murdering of Madison. Fiona ends up convincing the coven that it was in fact Myrtle who killed Madison and they sentence her to burn at the stake (giving the episode its title). The episode ends with a surprise, as Misty happens upon the charred body of Myrtle and revives her, with the episode ending on a shot of Myrtle opening her eyes.

I have been a fan of this season of American Horror Story thus far. We’re only five episodes in and we’ve seen all sorts of crazy things, like minotaurs, Frankenstein monsters (Evan Peters, who has been in the two previous seasons), voodoo magic, reanimation, zombies, etc. There will be an inevitable showdown between the witches in the coven and Leveau’s voodoo witch gang. I’m not sure where this ride will end up, but I am sure going to enjoy where it takes me. And I am even happier knowing that there will be a fourth season, though it disappoints me to hear that it will be Jessica Lange’s last season, as she has been straight fire on this show.

Phil

I punched up the October 9, 2013 episode of American Horror Story: Coven fully expecting to use its wafer-thin characters and awful storytelling as source material to use in making fun of Shelly for assigning it to us. After all, I’ve just been through two rounds of Some Like It Watched which required me to sit through vapid, flaccid prime-time horror shows: Vampire Diaries and Grimm. In fact, I was thinking of jokes I could make about Shelly (primarily focused on sexual frustration) before I even watched it.

And what can I say? I was wrong.

I couldn’t help contrasting it with Vampire Diaries and Grimm, which belong in the same conversation the same way that the Saturn Ion belongs in the same conversation as a BMW 7 series. In grasping for what made those shows successful, I noted that the narrative pace was quick and that things happened—shit got real, so to speak. But the twists were inconsequential if you weren’t in on the backstory. You just assumed that it meant something. AHS tells its story so well that you can drop in for one episode and enjoy it for what it is. The characters are dense enough that you needn’t know what happened last week to buy into the story. That is the sign of a well-constructed show.

I was shocked by the quality of the actors. The episode opened up with Kathy Bates getting her evil on. My reaction—Holy shit! It’s Kathy Bates. And then they roll out Emma Roberts, Jessica Lange, Precious and Angela Basset. There are hitters in this line-up.

I was ready to start deducting points for the liberal borrowing from movies, TV shows and pop culture until the pace and blatancy of their use signaled that they were cheeky ‘shout-outs’. Unlike the derivative drivel of Grimm and Vampire Diaries, AHS is both culturally-aware and self-aware. Once I got that, I started enjoying them. In one viewing, I noticed nods to Eyes Wide Shut, X-Men and Lifeforce. And calling the butler “Jeeves” was cute.

The violence in AHS was liberal and shocking. You had an old-timey hanging, a roofie-fueled gang-rape and squirm-inducing slave-torture in an attic. Taissa Farmiga kills with her poisoned vagina, once by accident and once as revenge. Emma Roberts takes out a crew of fratboys by telekinetically flipping their bro-bus.

The one-liners were amusing, too. “Nobody wants to see your dick, no matter how small” induced a chuckle. Emma Roberts had funny lines—“Do you own any clothes that didn’t come from the Gap?” and “It’s too hot, my frickin’ vagina’s sweating”. And Jessie Lange dropped a little truth—“The world’s not gonna miss a bunch of assholes in Ed Hardy t-shirts.”

Beyond the language, I was surprised by what they depicted on basic cable. The violence was fairly graphic, certainly, but by now we’re all inured to that. They went further—Emma Roberts lays naked (curled up, but naked nonetheless) and crying in the shower. Before Taissa Farmiga kills a comatose fratboy by screwing him, she throws him a handy under the hospital gown in order to get him in character. And the aforementioned gang rape left little to the imagination. Bad language, violence or raciness don’t make a show good on their own (we’ve all seen R-rated pieces of shit before), but it does tell the reader that FX gives the folks who make AHS a fair amount of leeway.  It would appear the team behind AHS puts their creative freedom to good use.

I’ve never watched an FX show before, but the taste that I got from watching AHS and the promos for its other shows interspersed between mattress and bankruptcy relief commercials suggests that it might be a peer of HBO’s. They’ve got Sons of Anarchy (I’ve heard that’s quite good), Archer (people seem to really like that) and Emmy contender It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And a wise man turned me onto Louie, which is both funny and discomfortingly real.

I think I’m going to watch more FX. And certainly, I’ll watch American Horror Show: Coven again.

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Dear 31 year-old Caucasian Aspiring King of His Castle,

Your wife seems nice enough and I genuinely hope that you can buy her a house with an open floor plan, an updated kitchen and plenty of closet space. However, you and I need to get some things straight:

1)You’re not manly enough to call a rumpus room your “man cave”.
Think of the manliest guy you know—the old guy down the street who stormed the beach at Normandy, your crazy redneck cousin who noodles hundred-pound catfish and makes jerky out of them or the guy who works with troubled teens in South Central. Does he have a “man cave”? No, he has a den. He doesn’t need a special secluded room where he can act as he wishes without his wife scolding him.

And let’s be honest about something—there is nothing manly about farting up a barcalounger while swearing at other gamers through your headset or screaming at the football coach through the television (providing the kind of insight one can only gain as the backup punter on a freshman football team) while your buddies who still live with their parents gobble Domino’s pizza. If we’re going to be honest here, that would make the room an “adolescent cave”.

2)You’re not Trump 2.0
No publisher is going to ask you to write the follow-up to The Art of the Deal because you offered $120,000 on that charming late-60’s ranch listed at $173,000, only to pay $168,000. Your lowball offer isn’t some clever stratagem which makes your next slightly-less-unreasonable offer look a dump truck filled with gold bricks. The sellers have a number in mind at which it makes sense to sell the house. If you hit that number, they’ll sell you the house.

And to that end, stop it with the tough guy act. Your realtor (wisely) isn’t going to pass on your huffy declaration that “I’m walking if they don’t include that dartboard” or “I’m drawing a line in the sand at $167,500”. This is a business transaction, not an Old West showdown. Stop thinking that anyone cares about anything other than the price you will pay and your ability to consummate the sale.

3)Stop sweating the small stuff
This is a big decision for you which will impact your life for many years to come. Try to maintain some sense of perspective. I watched an episode recently where a man disqualified a house because it had circular toilets rather than elongated-bowl, comfort-height toilets. You can buy such a toilet for $200 and have it installed for another $100. This fellow walked away from a $350,000 home over $900 worth of plumbing upgrades.

And when you get down to the final stages of the negotiation, don’t hold up a deal over a few thousand bucks. Do you know how much that extra $5000 is going to add to your mortgage payment each month at today’s rates? About $30. Do you want your wife to lose the house of her dreams for $30 per month? The sooner you develop an understanding of the concept of materiality, the happier you and those stuck in the same room as you will be.

The fact that I dislike you so much probably reflects more poorly on me than it does you. After all, you want what you want and you are certainly entitled to pursue it. But I’m the kind of guy who likes to root for people, rather than against them. Please take to heart my advice and enable me to wish good things for you.

I’m glad we had this talk.

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