Now, with Ultimate Spider-Man, that’s actually worked out ok so far. It’s not quite up there with it’s predecessor, but it’s a quality show that has a lot of fun fan service. Can the same be said of the new Avengers series, Avengers Assemble?

Sadly no, so that infuriates me quite a bit. Avengers Assemble ultimately feels a lot like the recent Spider-Man movies, where they feel like they had to do something with the property and it’s just treading way too familiar ground. The team faces the exact same issues (and occasionally the same villains doing the same or similar things). Thor and Hulk don’t get along and beat the crap out of each other? Check. Cap feels like a man out of time even though he’s been around a few years and always seem quick to pick up on things? Check. Hawkeye’s a giant asshole? Check. Iron Man doubting himself, but not to the point of alcoholism because it’s a kid’s show? Fucking check.

Probably the worst thing about Avengers Assemble is how it seems to exist in it’s own continuity from everything else despite the fact that it was essentially made to capitalize on the movies, because it has very little in common with them. Ultimate Spider-Man pretty much exists in the Marvel movie continuity. Agent Coulson is his fucking principal. It’s silly, but it works as fun jokes and fan service and is consistent with the movie universe they have spent so much time carefully setting up. There is none of that in Avengers Assemble, and the prime example is just staring in your face the whole goddamn time in the new token black character on the team, Falcon (Black Panther is nowhere to be found).

Now I have nothing against Falcon, he was great in Winter Soldier. And if Disney/Marvel wanted to make THAT Falcon part of the team, cool. But the Falcon on Avengers Assemble is nowhere close. Not just in how he acts, he’s literally a different person. Younger, a rookie and in Stark’s employ. What the hell is the point of that? At the end of the day, Avengers Assemble isn’t terrible, but it feels like such a retread and is completely pointless and that might actually be worse.

Final Rating: 2/5-Avengers

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This series is centered around Joe MacMillan (Lee Pace), a former IBM employee who has decided to offer his services to John Bosworth (Toby Huss), the head of Cardiff Electric. The company only produces parts for other companies and MacMillan convinces Bosworth to go all-in on creating a personal computer division. He recruits Gordon Clark (Scoot McNairy) after reading a visionary article he wrote in a computer magazine.

I feel as though the show’s creators are borrowing from a few different places here. First and foremost is the character of Joe MacMillan, which feels like a dime-store ripoff of Don Draper. He is a marketing man with a mysterious background who manages to convince people to do things through obtuse yet inspiring speeches. Sound familiar? The subject matter feels like one that has been told quite a bit recently with all of the Steve Jobs biopics that came out in the last year or so. The difference with this show is that the stories are almost wholly fictional, similar to the ad campaign storylines in Mad Men.

This show is a solid period piece for the early 1980s. It is great to see all of the old vintage electronics used on the show. The computer terminology seems pretty accurate and the information is not dumbed down at all, though a lot of the dialogue feels as though it was written with current knowledge at hand (i.e. predictions of the internet). The soundtrack is pretty solid, especially whenever the scene features punk-rock programmer Cameron (who looks like she could be Daryl Hannah’s 1980s cousin).

I have watched the first four episodes and I will definitely keep with it, but it isn’t the greatest show ever. I would recommend it if you like technology or the 1980s.

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In The Flesh

“In The Flesh” is a fresh take on what is becoming a tired genre: the post-apocalyptic zombie world. In this universe, the zombie apocalypse has come and gone and scientists have discovered a cure for the disease that turns people into zombies. People that have become zombies can’t become human again, but thanks to a drug, it keeps their cannibalistic tendencies at bay and allows the former zombie (called a Partially Deceased Syndrome Sufferer, or PDSS) to re-enter normal life. The zombie still looks like a zombie (pale skin, zombie eyeballs) but with the use of contact lenses and makeup, zombies can once again appear human.

This show centers around Kieren Walker, a boy who had committed suicide but then reanimated during the zombie rising. He is rehabilitated and is allowed to rejoin his family. His parents are happy to have him back, although his reappearance has opened old wounds due to his suicide. His sister has very mixed feelings however, as she belongs to a local anti-zombie militia called the HVF (Human Volunteer Force). She cares for her brother but has to come to terms with her dislike of zombies. Kieren’s family lives in the small town of Roarton, which hosts a local chapter of the extremist HVF group.

I have only watched the first episode of this series but I plan on catching up on it in the near future (it just finished airing its second season, for a total of nine one-hour episodes). I would definitely recommend this show to anyone who likes zombie fiction mixed with a dash of social commentary. The zombies in this show could be metaphors for immigrants, as there is a lot of zombie xenophobia in this universe. There are also parallels to people coming back from war with post-traumatic stress disorder. This show is a drama with bits of dark comedy sprinkled in. One episode in and it appears to be far better than “The Walking Dead” though with far less gratuitous violence.

Almost Royal

Once “In The Flesh” completed, it was replaced with the new show “Almost Royal”. “Almost Royal” is a mockumentary show in the vein of “Ali G”. The premise of the show follows Georgie and Poppy Carlton, two British royals who are far down the line for the British crown, as they embark on a tour of America per their dead father’s wishes. They stop in various cities and partake in different American events, pretending to be ignorant to the local customs. This leads to plenty of excellent “fish-out-of-water” scenarios and underestimations of their intelligence due to the characters they play; Georgie is a soft aristocrat who seems inexperienced at the most basic of tasks such as driving, whereas Poppy portrays herself as a rich airhead who only seeks employment at what she considers to be an easy job, like acting.

The show feels like a much gentler version of “Ali G”. Georgie and Poppy do have some good one-liners: one episode takes place in Texas and features a horseback ride, to which Poppy asks the instructor about “bareback riding” and said that her mother used to do that all the time, to which the instructor was unsure how to respond. This episode especially felt reminiscent of Borat’s trips to the South, although there was no “Throw The Jew Down The Well” to be found.

If you like “Ali G” I think you would enjoy “Almost Royal”. It is not nearly as offensive, but also not nearly as interesting/provocative, as “Ali G” shined a light on some pretty awful human behaviors, whereas “Almost Royal” feels like a network prank show but with some PG-13 humor sprinkled in.

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Anyways, Mother Up is the story of Rudi. A powerful, no-nonsense music executive who’s got it all. That is, until a scandal gets her fired from her profile job and black listed in the industry. Now she’s stuck in suburbia with her two kids, who she has no idea how to raise as some nanny whose name she can’t even remember did that before.

And if Mother Up was a fresh look from the female perspective of a formerly corporate mom trying suddenly trying to raise her kids, it might actually have some merit. Instead what we get is extremely tired tropes of city clashing with suburbs, and a mom who 5 episodes in still doesn’t give a shit about her kids and hasn’t even tried to be a mother.

It’d be one thing if she tried and failed, it would be kind of fresh because TV, animated or otherwise generally portrays the dads as the bumbling idiots. The key difference here is that Rudi is smart and capable, just a selfish heartless asshole and it’s not funny.

Mother Up is presented as a “female take” on shows like Family Guy but the difference is while those shows featuring bumbling idiots generally inept at parenting, they give a shit about their kids and genuinely try to be better parents. Even if the characters don’t really grow and change you continually see them trying their best. That’s what people identify with and find funny. Flawed characters that can royally fuck up sometimes but are genuinely trying. Mother Up’s protagonist isn’t just flawed, she’s an awful person who you have no reason to root for and hope her kids get taken away, The sooner the better.

Final Rating: 1/5-Moms who would actually name their kids “Apple” and “Dick”.

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I won’t tell you the whole story of the previous series, because you really should just watch the damn thing, it’s awesome. But basically there a four tribes that can “bend” the four basic elements to their wills. There are some offshoots to this, those who can bend water can occasionally also bend blood, which means they can make people act like their puppets. Fire benders can learn to shoot lightning, and so on.

But the only one who can master all 4 elements is the Avatar. The Avatar is born with that ability and there is only one Avatar at a time. The Avatar is meant to keep balance, so that if one tribe decided to get uppity, he would shut their ass down.

Legend of Korra takes place about 70 years after the events of the previous series, with 17-year old Korra being the latest Avatar. This instantly makes the series a little more adult, as we only saw the previous avatar Aang as a twelve year-old. Legend of Korra also deals with deeper sociopolitical issues. There’s a rising resentment against benders in general, a bickering and possibly corrupt city council, and a mysterious man leading the anti-bending revolution who can permanently take away benders’ powers. Legend of Korra strikes a darker tone than it’s predecessor, but still manages silly humor and the batshit crazy but funny moments that is the trademark of the franchise along with a lot of fun winks for longtime fans.

But does it reach the impeccably high standard of the previous series? I’d say the story is just as intriguing, I basically marathoned the whole first season in a day. But Korra and her friends don’t quite gel the way Aang and his buddies did, and they aren’t quite as interesting. I’m not saying they are bad, but it’s not quite the same level of perfect chemistry between the characters and I’m not enjoying them quite as much. But The The Last Airbender is an almost impossible standard to live up to, and Legend of Korra does a pretty damn good job of not fucking up the series pedigree.

Final rating: 4/5 weirdly mixed up animals.

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One big catch though. Everybody above the bottom of the barrel “no-stars” students get special suits that enhance their innate abilities, making upward movement nearly impossible. At the top of this hierarchy is Satsuki Kiryuin, who runs the student council and rules with an iron fist. This all gets torn upside down though when Ryuko Matoi transfers into the school, wielding a scissor blade and looking for information about who murdered her eccentric scientist father.

Kill La Kill sounds like a pretty normal mystery & revenge tale (at least by anime standards), but it adds in lot of crazy but fun elements that rise it a notch above the cookie cutter anime. It has slutty outfits but for both guys and girls and constantly pokes fun at them. There’s an organist literally called “Nudist Beach” which seems to have a weird tendency to get undressed while speaking exposition (or at least Ryuko’s homeroom teacher, who is a member). And there’s the absurdity of this all happening in the confines of the school. In Kill La Kill, nearly all the fights only happen inside the school and they are pretty insane. But nobody tracks down and fights anybody outside of the school. And they do acknowledge how absurd that is on occasion.

Kill La Kill is just a really fun series. I enjoyed the characters and the battles with crazy animation, Even the filler episodes are pretty fun. Highly recommended.

Final Rating: 5/5 Slutty blood-sucking outfits

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Wrestlemania XIX took place just a few months after the Katie Vick angle, AKA that time I stopped watching wrestling for almost four years.  As a result, I have no personal memories of the stories and matches that made up the card.  Other than a few infamous matches and moments that I’ve heard about over the years, everything was new to me when I watched the show in March 2014.  2003 was a bit of an awkward time for WWE.  It wasn’t really part of the Attitude Era, but the company hadn’t yet transitioned into its kid-friendly “Universe” era.  A few “WCW guys” were starting to make their way in their former rival company, the top two stars of the Attitude Era were on their way out, and WWE as a whole was trying to find a balance between showcasing the old guard and building new talents.

The overall card was solid, with the only real low point being the presence of the Miller Light “Catfight Girls”.  All of the matches were at least decent TV quality, with a few real standouts and a couple of matches that would have been great except for some major mistakes (one scripted, one…not so much).

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages…let’s get ready to relapse!

Match 1: Rey Misterio vs. Matt Hardy (c) for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship

My first thought while watching this match was that Rey’s original WWE music is vastly superior to his later “Booyaka 619” theme.  I also miss his old entrance, with him being catapulted from below the stage, but I don’t blame him for ditching that once his knees really started to go.  Matt Hardy is using his “Version 1” gimmick, complete with slow-buffering effect.  Shannon Moore is with him, ready to provide the obligatory outside interference.

This match is a great example of Rey back when he was still near the top of his game.  I’d forgotten how jaw-dropping his workrate was when he was younger and healthy.  He hits a lot of running lucha-style moves on Hardy, complete with real hurricanranas (which over the years have mostly been replaced by sentons).  There’s a great diving astro scissor whip out of the corner from Rey, which I don’t think was seen much again in WWE until Alberto Del Rio started doing it.  Matt Hardy is…well, Matt Hardy.  Video game create-a-character basic move set stuff.

The match overall is a good curtain jerker, with Rey on top most of the time, only for Shannon Moore to interfere and kill his momentum every time it looks like Matt is going to lose.  There was a big standout spot toward the end that saw Matt go for what looked like a top rope Razor’s Edge, only for Rey to counter with a hurricanrana.  After hitting the 619 on Matt, Rey goes for the West Coast Pop (remember that?  I miss it), only for Matt to dodge, roll Rey up, and use the rope to get the win.

Rating: 3/5 booyakas, plus one astonished realization that Matt Hardy and CM Punk are wiener cousins.

Next is a backstage segment showing the arrival of the Miller Lite Catfight Girls.  The level of pandering and blatant product placement is just insulting.  I’d almost rather watch a Limp Bizkit performance.

Match 2: Undertaker vs. Big Show and A-Train

Before the match, Limp Bizkit performs (GOD DAMMIT!), after being introduced as “WWE’s FAVORITE band!”  It’s remarkable how little WWE’s taste in music has changed in the last decade.  The song goes on entirely too long before Undertaker takes the stage.  I was never a fan of the Bikertaker gimmick, to the point that I once actually e-mailed  WWE telling them that I wanted the Deadman gimmick back, not “some old guy with a ponytail on a motorcycle”.  On the following RAW, Undertaker showed up with a new, short haircut.  So I’ll count that as a partial victory.

The match was originally booked (in kayfabe) as a tag match, but Show and A-Train jumped ‘Taker’s partner (Nathan Jones, who I literally had never heard of) in the locker room during Sunday Night Heat a couple of hours earlier. Since Nathan “I’ve never heard of me either” Jones is presumably laid out backstage, the match goes on as a handicap contest.  The Streak is mentioned a few times, but at this point (10 wins) it was a way to sell a match, rather than the entire PPV.  The match is booked like a present-day John Cena match, with the babyface up against seemingly impossible odds.

A-Train looks great in the ring.  His moves look brutal and explosive, and he has a surprising quickness to his movements.  ‘Taker hits him with a chokeslam to go for the early win, but the match continues.  A-Train hits Undertaker with a fantastic looking sitout double choke bomb (called the Derailer at this point).  Big Show and A-Train use great heel tag team tactics, constantly tagging each other in and creating distractions outside the ring.  The best looking spot is Undertaker reversing Big Show’s chokeslam into a Fujiwara armbar.  Near the end of the match, Undertaker has an opponent in each corner, running back and forth to attack them, similar to what Daniel Bryan does nowadays with dropkicks.  The odds are evened up when Nathan Jones runs down to attack Big Show outside the ring.  Apparently Jones just needed that extra ten minutes to recover from his attack, and would have been just fine for the match if Limp Bizkit had decided to do a few deep cuts after “Rollin’”.  Undertaker, now one-on-one with A-Train, hits the Tombstone for the win.  And with that, Bikertaker makes his final Wrestlemania appearance.  Thank the Higher Power (spoiler: it’s Vince!).

Rating: 3/5 Matt Bloom gimmick changes.

Another backstage segment follows, again featuring the Miller Lite Catfight Girls.  This time, they’re talking to Stacey Keibler and Torrie Wilson.  After the segment, Jerry Lawler does his usual (at the time) shtick of pretending to be a grown man who has never seen actual boobs.  You used to be married to Stacey Carter, King.  We know you’ve seen boobs.

Jim Ross tells the U.S. troops in Iraq to “get it done quickly, and come home”.  Oh JR, my sweet summer child…

Match 3: Trish Stratus vs. Jazz vs. Victoria (c) for the WWE Women’s Championship

Trish enters first, in what I refer to as her “middle Trish” stage.  She’s becoming a solid hand in the ring, but is not quite ready for the Raw main event.  Jazz enters next, and Lawler’s first comment is a cheap shot about how she looks like Mike Tyson.  You know, Jerry, a few more women like Jazz and several fewer former models and the Women’s/Divas division might not have been in the toilet from 2006 to about a month ago.  Victoria enters with the title around her waist.  Stevie Richards is with her, and I’m not sure why.  He is still going by “Steven” Richards, but is clearly not working his Right to Censor gimmick anymore.

The match, by today’s standards for women’s WWE wrestling, is fantastic.  Trish seems to be showing off how well she learned how to throw a forearm, because that’s mostly what she does during the match.  Victoria hits the best spot of the match, grabbing the top rope while on the apron and hitting a somersault legdrop.  Trish’s highlight of the match is a beautiful victory roll, showing early signs of the huge potential she made good on in the following years.  Jazz does a great job of playing the dominant heel, putting Trish in a half crab submission which transitions into a great-looking STF.  Lance Storm would be proud.  John Cena should take notes.

Stevie attempts a run-in with a chair, but his chair shot misses, ricochets off the top rope, and hits him in the face.  He gets Stratusfaction from Trish for his trouble.  Victoria sets Trish up for the Widow’s Peak, but Trish gets free and hits her with a Chick Kick for the win.

Rating: 3.5/5 forearms

Backstage, Jonathan Coachman interviews The Rock.  Like most out-of-context Rock promos, I can’t tell at first if he is a heel or a babyface.  Rocky complains about “The People” (ohhhh…he’s a heel) booing him, and makes multiple references to Hollywood so people know that he’s a big movie star now and doesn’t need WWE (which, it turned out, he really was and he really didn’t).  The Rock says that he’s tired of getting booed, and he’s finally going to beat Stone Cold.  He says that he learned in Hollywood that the first and second act don’t matter, it’s the third act that’s important.  Presumably because that’s the act where The Rock sometimes shows up as a CG scorpion monster.

Match 4: Los Guerreros vs. Chris Benoit and Rhyno vs. Team Angle (c) for the WWE Tag Team Championship

I’ll start off here by addressing the elephant in the room: it’s really tough seeing Eddie or Benoit in matches, doubly so when they’re on screen together.  With that being said, on to the match…

I was never a huge fan of Los Guerreros’ theme music.  WWE/F has a dubious history concerning minorities, and it’s ambiguous whether the repeated line of, “We lie, we cheat, we steal!” is supposed to apply just to Eddie and Chavo, or to Latinos in general.  I’d like to give WWE the benefit of the doubt, but over a decade later they have a Tongan playing a Mexican cholo, a black man playing a rapping, dancing minstrel, and two Puerto Ricans playing Mexican matadors, so WWE is not getting a lot of points for racial sensitivity.  Benoit and Rhyno enter next, and without the benefit of context I have no idea why they’re teaming together.  I’m assuming their tag team gimmick is that their arms look slightly too short for their bodies.  Team Angle (AKA The World’s Greatest Tag Team) enters last, and damn if the last ten years haven’t hit Charlie Haas like a truck.  Shelton Benjamin looks basically the same now as he did then, but Haas today looks like a baseball glove that got left out in the rain too many times.

The match is conducted under Triple Threat rules, where there are always two legal men and anybody can tag anybody else.  I’ve never been really clear on the psychology behind tagging one’s own team out of the match, because it takes away that team’s chance to win unless someone else tags them back in.  I get that it’s supposed to be a desperation move, but that’s what the Hot Tag spot is for.  Just tag your own partner, mang (racial sensitivity!).  Speaking of Hot Tags, Chavo gets one toward the end of the match.  I’m going to repeat that, because it bears repeating: Chavo Guerrero got a Hot Tag.  That’s something you won’t ever see post-2006.

There are a lot of good spots in this match, as should be expected given who’s in it.  Benoit hits a great flapjack-into-crossface on Eddie, and Team Angle hits a beautiful double dropkick.  The go-home spot is Rhyno goring Chavo, only to be pulled out of the ring by Eddie, leaving Shelton free to score the pinfall.  Team Angle retain in a well-wrestled, but unremarkable, match.

Rating: 3.5/5 conflicted feelings

Match 5: Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels

The video package before the match does a great job of showcasing the feud.  As good as Jericho is as a babyface, he’s one of the all-time great heels in the business.  Jericho enters first, sporting some snazzy blue and yellow ring gear.  Shawn Michaels enters next, sporting a haircut he must’ve copied from school pictures of a 7^th grade girl going through her “awkward” phase.  He’s got confetti cannons spaced out along the entrance ramp, and fires bits of paper into the crowd.  A couple of the cannons don’t fire, and Shawn plays it off like the pro he is.

This match is a wrestling fan’s dream.  There’s a ton of great “scientific” wrestling, along with some masterful storytelling.  An undercurrent of animosity runs through the match, and Jericho adds another layer to the story by working HBK’s surgically repaired back.  The match’s greatest strength is the subversion of expectations, putting new twists on classic wrestling tropes and spots.  This is set up early, with Jericho stopping in the middle of running the ropes, and slapping Michaels in the face.  A bulldog attempt by Jericho later in the match is countered by HBK, and he hurls Jericho balls-first into the ringpost.  The one spot that plays out traditionally is Michaels putting Jericho in the Figure Four, followed by Jericho doing the obligatory “flip over” counter.  The match spills outside the ring, where Jericho puts HBK in the Walls of Jericho, holding it so long that both men almost get counted out.  They both make it back to the ring before the ten-count, and the match continues.

Jericho mocks Michaels throughout the match, at one point hitting HBK’s signature kip-up and pose.  Halfway through the match, Jericho grabs the corner ropes and starts stomping, telegraphing Sweet Chin Music.  After a little “Jericho shuffle”, Y2J catches the audience off guard by successfully kicking Michaels square in the jaw (that spot seemed like it was begging for a counter, but once again things played out unexpectedly).  From this point on, the crowd hangs on every move.  The match ends after Jericho ducks HBK’s own Sweet Chin Music attempt and tries to put him in the Walls again, only for Michaels to counter that into a rollup and score the three-count.  After the match, Jericho holds out his arms for a hug in a gesture of respect.  HBK accepts, and the two men embrace.  The crowd cheers…and then Jericho kicks Shawn in the balls.  Backstage, Roddy Piper (oops, spoiler!) gives a begrudging slow clap.  I assume.

Rating: ALL OF MY YES.  This match was two masters of the craft putting on a clinic.

Limp Bizkit performs again, and no one will ever convince me that this song is a different song from what they played earlier.

After that nonsense is the catfight, which amounts to yet more nonsense.  Jonathan Coachman is there with a microphone, because there is no God.  The Miller Light Catfight Girls start out on a bed, crawling toward each other as if they’re going to make out.  Stacey and Torrie come out and add themselves to the “match”.  All of the female-types end up in their bras, and Coach gets pinned by Stacey while Torrie counts the three.  I don’t know what just happened, but the whole debacle still made more sense than most of what WWE does these days.

Match 6: Booker T vs. Triple H (c) for the World Heavyweight Championship

The video package for this match includes Trips’ now-infamous line about how people like Booker T don’t get to be champion.  This is a case where HHH will claim he was trying to get heel heat, but WWE’s history with black performers lends some unfortunate implications to the whole angle.  The only way to justify this kind of build would be if Booker wins the match and the title.

Triple H enters first, which I strongly disagree with.  Heel or babyface, the champ should always enter second, and it’s a big pet peeve of mine when the second entrance goes to the babyface challenger.  It really exposes the business and makes it look less like a sporting event and more like a scripted TV show.  My suspension of disbelief only stretches so far.  Ric Flair is with HHH, mostly to continue Hunter’s long tradition of attaching himself to people more talented and/or powerful than himself.  Booker looks very serious during his entrance, either because he’s in character as the resolute underdog or because Vince told him right before the match that people like him don’t get to be champion.

It’s been a while since I’ve watched any of Booker’s older matches, and I had forgotten how much I liked his style.  He hits lots of great looking kicks, and shows off some surprising agility for a guy his size.  Triple H jumps off the top rope at one point, only for Booker to hit him with a super kick in midair.  Booker eventually ends up outside the ring, and Flair hits him with a kneebreaker onto the ring steps while Hunter distracts the referee.  Speaking of the ref, it’s noteworthy that he takes a bump backwards into the turnbuckle and doesn’t sell it for a ridiculous amount of time.  Normally, a small bump like that would incapacitate a referee for anywhere from five to twenty minutes (see: HHH vs. Undertaker at Wrestlemania X-Seven).

After Flair attacks Booker, Triple H continues to work the injured knee.  Jim Ross calls HHH “the cerebral assassin”, but to me he looks more like “the patellar assassin”.  I don’t think JR knows where the cerebrum is.  Hunter tries to hit a kneebreaker of his own in the ring, but Booker reverses it into a sunset flip.  Soon after, Booker hits the scissor kick, and the crowd goes crazy. I bet they sure would like to see Booker win the match and walk out as champ, so he can rise up as a new main event star.  Trips kicks out, because of course he does.  Booker hits the Houston Hangover, an amazing somersault leg drop that I’ve seen in WWE video games but had never seen Booker actually attempt.  Both guys sell the intensity of the match, acting like they’re ready to collapse at any moment.  Hunter hits a desperation Pedigree, falls down, and drapes an arm over Booker to score the pin.  Zero new stars made.

Rating: 2.5/5 buryin’ shovels.  Booker going over would’ve raised it to at least a 3.5.

Match 7: Vince McMahon vs. Hulk Hogan in a Street Fight

My expectations for this match are not high, since one of the competitors is an old man not really known for his wrestling abilities, and the other is Vince McMahon.  I’m watching this on the WWE Network, so “Voodoo Chile” is overdubbed with generic rock music during Hogan’s entrance.  I’m a bit surprised that Hogan doesn’t bury anyone on the way to the ring, just to remind HHH who the master is.   Vince is in better shape than Hogan, despite being the younger, non-wrestler of the pair.  The match opens up with a prolonged version of the infamous “Ultimate Warrior blowjob” spot, this time with Hogan on the receiving (or is it giving?) end.  Both guys eventually end up outside the ring, and Hogan hits one of the Spanish announcers in the face with a chair because America (okay, he was trying to hit Vince and missed, but still).  Vince incapacitates Hogan on the Spanish announce table, climbs a ladder, and hits a bowling-shoe-ugly leg drop that ends up looking more like a senton splash.

After some exchanging of chair shots, both guys end up back in the ring.  A man in a long, hooded coat runs into the ring, and reveals himself to be Roddy Piper (remember that spoiler from earlier?).  He’s got a lead pipe in his hand, and acts like he’s going to hit Vince.  Piper being Piper, though, turns and hits Hogan in the head instead before dropping the pipe and leaving the ring.  Vince goes to pin Hogan, and Hogan kicks out because the laws of physics no longer apply (God help you).  Vince picks up the pipe and brains Hogan himself.  Vince goes for a pin, and Hogan kicks out again, powered by his instinctual inability to put over a younger guy.

Vince punches Hogan in the face, Hogan no-sells, and begins hulking up.  My eyes roll so hard they almost fall out of my head.  Hogan gives Vince the big boot and hits three consecutive leg drops before pinning him for the win.  Typical Hogan finish.

Rating: 2/5 Santas with Muscles.

Match 8: The Rock vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin

This was Rock and Austin’s third and final Wrestlemania match, and unbeknownst to the audience it was also Stone Cold’s retirement match.  Rock and Austin start brawling outside the ring almost immediately after the bell rings.  The Rock sends Austin into the ring steps, and Austin fires back with a series of punches.  Stone Cold has a way of making even the most basic moves and strikes look great.  The Rock works on Austin’s famously bad knees during the match, and Stone Cold is just trying to beat the holy hell out of The Rock.

The action moves back into the ring for a bit, and Rock slaps on his weird, loosey-goosey Sharpshooter.  I assume he learned it from the same guy who later taught the STF to John Cena.  Rock grabs Austin’s vest and puts it on, getting in a bit of mid-match acting practice (too late, unfortunately, to save The Scorpion King).  Things really start to pick up when Stone Cold hits a Rock Bottom on The Rock.  Rock kicks out, and retaliates with a Stunner to Stone Cold.  Austin kicks out and hits Rock with a Stunner of his own.  Rock kicks out.  This match is all about drama and intensity, and it’s not a technical clinic by any stretch of the imagination.  It works because of how committed Rock and Austin are to telling a story in the ring.  I don’t know that there are two stars in WWE today who could pull off this kind of match.

The Rock slams Austin to the mat, and sets up the People’s Elbow.  Austin moves, but Rock knocks him down again and successfully hits the Elbow.  Stone Cold kicks out of a pin, and gets a Rock Bottom for his trouble.  Austin kicks out, and Rock sets him up for a second Rock Bottom.  Austin reverses, but ends up taking a Rock Bottom anyway.  Austin kicks out one last time before a third Rock Bottom puts him down for the three-count.  After Rock celebrates and leaves the ring, Stone Cold’s music hits and he walks out standing tall, giving the fans a double-bird salute.

Rating:  4/5 finisher no-sells

Match 9: Brock Lesnar vs. Kurt Angle (c) for the WWE Championship

The champ (Angle) enters first AGAIN in this match, probably just to piss me off.  Brock enters to a big pop from the crowd, which is weird to me because I only ever remember seeing him as a heel in both his original and current WWE runs.  Angle is playing the heel champ, and is defending his title under the stipulation that he will lose the belt if he is counted out or disqualified.  The match opens with an impressive sequence of chain wrestling.  It’s already a very different match from Stone Cold vs. The Rock, with Angle and Lesnar both showing off their amateur wrestling skills and overall technical abilities.  There is a long rest hold about a third of the way into the match, during which Angle is probably whispering, “hey Brock, you know what would be really cool?  If you did a Shooting Star Press.”

After the rest hold, Angle works on Brock’s ribs, which are heavily taped due to attacks from Angle during the program leading up to the match.  Lesnar impressively gorilla presses Angle, and it looks like Angle is providing little, if any, assistance (not because he’s sandbagging Brock, but because Brock is scary, scary strong).  Angle’s best spot of the match comes when Brock tries to hit an F-5, and Angle reverses it into a facelook, which transitions into an ankle lock, which then transitions into a half-crab submission.  Towards the end of the match, Brock grounds Angle, and proceeds to climb the ropes.  The distance from Brock to Angle is more than half the ring, and anyone who has seen this match is already wincing at this point.  Brock jumps off the ropes, and hits a gruesome Shooting Star Neckbreaker on himself.  Angle was too far away, so instead of splashing on top of him, Brock jammed his head and neck into Angle’s torso, damn near killing himself.  Angle manages to talk a dazed Lesnar through a quick finish, with Angle taking an F-5 and doing the honors for the new champ.

Rating: 3.5/5 Maffews

Wrestlemania XIX was a solid show from top to bottom, with no bad matches to be found (the catfight does NOT count as a match).  Rock vs. Austin and Michaels vs. Jericho are classics, and Angle vs. Lesnar would have been phenomenal without the Shooting Star botch and rushed finish.  I definitely recommend the show to anyone looking for a dose of nostalgia, or just a satisfying Wrestlemania card.

Match of the Night: Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho

Best Booking: Stone Cold losing to The Rock, making the traditional veteran’s exit

Worst Booking: Triple H going over Booker T, putting his own ego before the company.

Wrestling is a helluva drug.  See you for the next fix.

The post Wrestling Relapse: Wrestlemania XIX appeared first on screensnark..

Takeover is NXT’s second live event, following the successful NXT ArRival. Coming to you live on the WWE Network, Takeover features a stacked card (and Mojo Rawley is there, too). The NXT Tag, Women’s, and Heavyweight titles are on the line, Adam Rose faces Camacho in front of a crowd that actually enjoys Rose’s gimmick, and Sami Zayn and Tyler Breeze will lock horns in a match to determine the #1 Contender for the NXT Heavyweight Championship.

Match 1: Adam Rose vs. Camacho

Adam Rose enters the arena straight from his bus, the Exotic Express, with his entourage in tow. Camacho enters next, still stuck with his “Tongan, Mexican, whatever, he’s brown” gimmick. I feel bad for anyone who has to wrestle in a pair of Dockers. After the bell, Rose prances effeminately around the ring, further obfuscating his gimmick. I can’t tell if his character is supposed to be gay or Russell Brand. Given that he has taken over Torrie Wilson’s lollipop gimmick, I think I can make an educated guess. Camacho gets to look like a real threat for once, showing some physical dominance early on. Rose counters a rear waistlock by grinding his hips against Camacho, Camacho recoils in a homophobic display of disgust, and I remember why I don’t tell my friends that I watch wrestling. Rose starts to mount a comeback with some stompy-punches followed by a big spinebuster that he must have learned from Leo Kruger. After a modified Bronco Buster-style splash to Camacho in the corner, Rose hits his new finisher, a cravate facelock driver called “The Party Foul”. Rose’s entourage celebrates with him as he leaves, basking in the achievement of their collective pro wrestling dream of being anonymous valets to a developmental talent competing under his third gimmick.

Rating: 2.5/5 Rosebuds. The match jerked the curtain just fine, but was short and nothing special.

Match 2: El Local and Kalisto vs. The Ascension (c) for the NXT Tag Team Titles

The Ascension enter first (blah, champions should enter last), still not quite sure which entrance video to use. I’m not a fan of the new, up-tempo music and bright, abstract video. I understand that they were stepping on Undertaker’s toes a bit with their old entrance package, but the new music and video don’t really seem to fit them. El Local (Ricardo Rodriquez under a hood) and Kalisto enter next, getting the crowd fired up with “Lu-cha! Lu-cha!” chants.

As soon as the bell rings, The Ascension rush at the challengers and start pounding on them. The luchadores counter a double Irish whip with tandem hurricanranas, and the champions exit the ring to regroup. Kalisto and Local gesture to the outside, and hit the ropes for stereo suicide dives. As they are about to dive out, Konnor and Viktor counter with stiff uppercuts, knocking the challengers back into the ring.

Everyone finally gets back in the ring, with Viktor and Kalisto as the legal men. Kalisto is a very talented luchadore, and possibly the heir apparent to Rey Mysterio (in terms of in-ring abilities, not in terms of putting orthopedic surgeons’ kids through college). He made a name for himself on the indie circuit as Samuray del Sol, making him the first guy whose WWE-assigned name is less of a mouthful than his original name (this is known in the business as a “reverse Kassius Ohno”). Kalisto plays the beaten-down little guy in the match, as Viktor and Konnor take turns beating him up. After getting thrown against the outside ring ropes by Konnor, Kalisto breaks free and makes the hot tag to El Local, who shows some surprising athleticism for his size. Local mounts a small bit of offense (including a 2nd rope moonsault!) before a clothesline from Viktor takes him out and sets up the Fall of Man from The Ascension for the win. A pretty typical Ascension squash match, just a bit longer than usual. I guess they wanted to let the meter run a bit on this one.

Rating: 3/5 Fat guy moonsaults

Match 3: Sami Zayn vs. Tyler Breeze to determine the #1 Contender for the NXT Title

Sami Zayn enters first, sporting some snazzy new entrance music. Am I the only one who thinks he bears a passing resemblance to the lead singer of The National? The fans greet Zayn with a rousing “Ole” chant, acknowledging his previous body of work as El Generico. Tyler Breeze enters next, and he’s got some new music too. It seems like at least one of these guys is looking at a call-up to the main roster soon, where they can find the same level of success as Xavier Woods and Emma. So basically, I’m going to enjoy this match while I can, before two great workers are reduced to midcard jobbers.

The match opens with some chain wrestling and lots of wrist locks. Zayn is showing some aggression in addition to his usual fire, playing the determined babyface with something to prove. Breeze is building on the vicious, focused personality he’s added to his character. There’s a nice innovation from Breeze where he bulldogs Zayn into the 2nd turnbuckle while jumping through the ropes himself. Breeze charges at Zayn, who falls back and pulls down the top rope, causing Breeze to fall to the outside. Sami follows up with an Arabian moonsault to Breeze, sending both men falling into the entrance ramp. After both men return to the ring, Zayn hits a great-looking top rope cross body takedown. He whips Breeze into the ropes and hits the spinning Blue Thunder Bomb. Breeze kicks out, and Sami sells it with a lot of frustration and disbelief. As if he’d ever won a match with that move before. Both guys are selling the match as if they’re gassed and digging down deep to get the win, and it adds a great dramatic element to the match. Breeze’s best spot of the match is a brutal-looking alley-oop powerbomb to Zayn, pulling him out of the corner and getting some great hang time.

The crowd is hanging on every move, and a “this is awesome!” chant breaks out. After some back-and-forth, Breeze damn near decapitates Zayn with a fantastic-looking super kick. I guess he thought Trouble Will Find Me wasn’t anywhere near as good as Boxer. Zayn counters an Irish whip with a kick to the gut, and tucks Breeze’s arms under him. My heart skips a beat, because I’ve been waiting for months to see Zayn bust out his old double pumphandle orange crush maneuver. I remember seeing it for the first time, and it was like watching 2001: A Space Odyssey. I wasn’t sure what the hell I had just seen, but I knew that it had profoundly affected my mind. Zayn flips Breeze up for the second part of the move, and IT’S BOTCHED. I can’t tell if Breeze lost his balance, or Zayn wasn’t able to cradle him correctly, but both men fall down. It’s as if millions of voices cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. Zayn and Breeze try to recover and finish the move, and there’s ANOTHER BOTCH. The timing is all off, and Breeze hits the mat before Zayn does (the move looks so much better when both guys land together). It would’ve been a truly amazing moment, but now it’s ruined forever. It’s a damn shame, considering how great the rest of the match has been.

Business picks up again after Breeze tries to catch his breath on the outside and Zayn follows him with a diving senton splash to the outside. Back in the ring, Zayn gets Breeze in the corner and charges at him for the Helluva Kick. Breeze hold up his arms to “block” the move, but Zayn falls back, selling a low blow. Breeze hits the Beauty Shot and picks up the win.

Rating: 4/5 selfies, plus one broken heart due to the big botch

Match 4: Lana’s ass vs. her skirt’s hemline

Lana comes out to introduce Rusev for no reason. He comes out waving a Russian flag because he’s Bulgarian (Camacho feels no sympathy for your misplaced nationality!). Lana puts over Rusev and Vladimir Putin. Mojo Rawley’s music hits, and he runs out waving an American flag and wearing a shirt he presumably got from the airbrush guy at the mall. And he’s got a microphone. Christ. Mojo cuts a promo, just to show us that his English is worse than Rusev’s. Supercuts waves his flag all the way to the ring, at which point Rusev bum rushes him and puts him in the Accolade (I’m surprised JBL didn’t come out to remind everyone that he was a member of the Accolades, MAGGLE!). Mojo tries to crawl back to the stage, but Lana commands Rusev to put him in the Accolade again. Rusev locks in the hold, and Mojo sells the attack like he’s having an orgasm.

That’s the most I’ve ever liked Rusev.

Match 5: Natalya vs. Charlotte for the vacant NXT Women’s Championship

Paige enters first, because WWE is determined to have champs enter first even when they’re not in the match. I’ll allow it this time, because it’s Paige and she has a way of rearranging the blood distribution in my body. She cuts a promo thanking the audience for their support and puts over the importance of the upcoming match. Be still, my heart.

Charlotte is out first, with new entrance music that is a remix of Also Sprach Zarathustra (Daddy Flair’s music). The Nature Boy himself is with her. Natalya enters, with the night manager from a local Waffle House. Wait…that’s actually Bret Hart, who couldn’t be bothered to put on a tie or a jacket or something. The match starts not with sassy finger wagging and head bobbing, not with slaps, not with rolling around pulling each other’s hair…no, the match starts with some actual WRESTLING. Thank you, NXT. Charlotte and Natalya are countering holds, working wrists and arms, and if the match ended after two minutes they’d have the third best women’s match of the year. The ladies continue with a series of submissions and reversals, until Charlotte whips Nattie into the ropes and the match really gets going.

Charlotte’s wrestling acumen has improved by leaps and bounds in the last few months. She’s always had a heaping helping of natural athletic ability, but she’s now showing that she knows how to tell a story in the ring. She’s selling better, and everything she does in the ring leads logically into something else. Nattie’s always been solid in the ring, and she’s been allowed to show her stuff more this past year than in the previous four years combined. Both women are making the most of their opportunity in the spotlight. Natalya and Charlotte are showing that the term “women’s wrestling” doesn’t need a qualifier. Wrestling is wrestling, regardless of what kind of genitals the participants have.

Charlotte attempts a moonsault off the top rope, but Nattie moves out of the way. The crowd rewards the effort with a “this is awesome!” chant. Nattie locks in the Sharpshooter, and Charlotte counters with a roll-up into a Figure Four Leglock. Natalya tries to roll over to counter, but Charlotte rolls through with her, maintaining her leverage. Now it gets brutal, with both women trying to slap the teeth out of each other. The stalemate ends when Nattie pushes Charlotte out of the ring while their legs are still locked, and she grabs the ropes for leverage, forcing Charlotte to release the hold. Papa Ric shouts encouragement to Charlotte, while Bret looks on, wondering if he remembered to set his DVR to record Cake Boss. Both women return to the ring, and Charlotte locks Natalya in the Sharpshooter. Nattie reverses, and tries to put Charlotte in the hold. Charlotte kicks her away, and hits her flipping neckbreaker for the win. The Flairs celebrate, showing what appears to be (understandably) real emotion. Charlotte and Natalya embrace afterward (face turn for Charlotte, or breaking kayfabe?), knowing what they just accomplished. I just can’t say enough good things about this match, and what it could mean for women’s wrestling in NXT, or hopefully even WWE. This match may even top Paige vs. Emma from ArRival back in February.

Rating: 5/5 Proud Papa Flairs. Possibly the best women’s match of the last decade, and a contender for NXT Match of the Year, men or women.
Match 6: Tyson Kidd vs. Adrian Neville (c) for the NXT Heavyweight Championship

THE CHAMP ENTERS LAST! THE CHAMP ENTERS LAST! BAH GAWD, THE CHAMP ENTERS LAST! It’s like finding a box of puppies at the end of a glorious rainbow. I hope Tyson can remember how to wrestle for longer than five minutes.

Lots of intensity to start the match, with a mean-looking lockup that moves both guys around the ring. After some quick chain wrestling, Kidd gives Neville a condescending pat on the back, and we’re into the third wristlock sequence in as many matches. Neville flippedy-doos around before countering Kidd’s wristlock with an arm drag. Soon enough, we’re back to the wristlocks, with the crowd chanting “Arm bar! Arm bar!” Credit to the college crowd for referencing a Chris Jericho bit that aired around the time they were potty training. Kidd sets Neville up in a tree of woe, and smacks him around a bit before hitting a running dropkick to Neville’s face. Kidd slaps on a headlock and tells the ref to “ask him!”, showing the crowd that he too is familiar with Chris Jericho’s oeuvre.

After Neville retreats to the outside, Kidd does the Sami Zayn flipping senton dive from two matches ago. Having so many skilled hands competing in one event is presenting problems, as the impressive spots tend to get repeated compared to a main-roster WWE event where only one or two guys use the high-flying, chain wrestling “indie” style. That’s not a knock on the performers by any means, though. It’s just an indication that great minds tend to think alike, and the results can be simultaneously impressive and repetitive. It’s like hearing a great song on an album, and then finding out that the next two tracks are the same song repeated.

Back in the ring, a brief exchange culminates in a double cross body collision. Neville, The Man That Gravity Forgot, climbs the top rope, but Kidd charges at him and gravity remembers Neville for a second. He hangs Tyson up in a tree of woe of his own, kicking him in the back. Neville later tosses Kidd out of the ring and attempts a dive to the outside, but Kidd counters with a kick because he and Sami already both did that spot. Kidd sets up Neville for a top rope sunset flip powerbomb, which Neville counters with a nifty-looking backflip followed by a successful powerbomb. Neville attempts a springboard back elbow, but Kidd jumps up and pulls him down in a Russian leg sweep variation. Both guys sell being gassed, and Kidd manages to get Neville in the Dungeon Lock, a combination Sharpshooter/head scissors. Neville gets to the rope to break the hold. Neville ends up hung upside down in the ring ropes, and Kidd drops a top rope somersault leg drop on him, popping the crowd. Kidd goes to the top rope for his Blockbuster finisher, but Neville counters with a Frankensteiner. Kidd rolls himself into position to take the Red Arrow, which Neville delivers for the win.

Though the match started out very similar to the Sami Zayn/Tyler Breeze contest earlier in the evening, Neville and Kidd managed to break away and stand out on their own by the end of the match. Both guys are not only capable of executing impressive moves, but they also know how and when to use those moves effectively.

Rating: 4.5/5 ARMBARS. A very well-wrestled match that only suffers from repeating some sequences and high spots from matches earlier in the show. Out of context, it’s just a flat-out great match.

NXT Takeover was an embarrassment of riches, with the three main events all delivering in a big way. The wristlocks and outside dives all ran together a bit, but each pair of performers managed to put their own spin on their respective matches. It was a refreshing change from the mainstream WWE style of, “hit your signature moves from the video games for five minutes”. The two undercard matches were entertaining but unremarkable, and did a fine job of getting the crowd invested in the show for the three big matches.

Match of the Night: I’m giving this one to Natalya and Charlotte. If it’s possible to change the game of women’s wrestling in WWE, then they did it.

Best Booking: The controversial finish to Zayn vs. Breeze, allowing Breeze to step into the NXT title picture while giving Zayn a reason to still be involved after losing.

Worst Booking: Nothing was bad, per se, but it would’ve been nice to give Adam Rose and Camacho a little more time to help them get over a bit more. Camacho especially could use the exposure.

Thanks for the eyeballs. Until next time, don’t stop Bo-lieving!

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I was always amazed by the complete 180 that “From Dusk Till Dawn” took and how it melded the two genres of western/heist and horror. When I found out that Rodriguez was adapting the film for television, I was intrigued and was not sure how the material would play out. After watching this series, I can say that Robert Rodriguez has once again bent the storytelling medium. This time, he has done something that I’m not sure has been done before: he has taken his movie’s overall plot and expanded the story into a ten-episode series for the new El Rey Network. The overall story arc of the movie has been retold in ten episodes, with expanded background and origin stories, as well as a few new characters. Each episode of the series tells a small slice of the movie’s storyline.

All of the characters from the movie have been recast and the new actors bring new life to the roles. The Gecko brothers are played by DJ Cotrona (the Clooney character) and Zane Holtz (Tarantino). Cotrona does a pretty solid Clooney impression but manages to add a bit more likability to the character of Seth Gecko. Holtz is probably the biggest revelation as Richie Gecko; he takes Tarantino’s two-dimensional creeper character and adds a deep third dimension to the role. He reminds me of a younger Michael Shannon, who is one of my favorite current actors. Tarantino’s Richie seemed to simply be a creepy pedophile, but on the TV show, Holtz’s Richie has been possessed by Santanico Pandemonium and is haunted by her visions through a ceremonial knife used for ancient sacrifices.

The Gecko brothers are being hunted by Texas Rangers Earl McGraw (played by Don Johnson) and new character Freddie Gonzalez (Jesse Garcia). Don Johnson chews every bit of scenery given to him like a pro. Jesse Garcia’s Ranger Gonzalez is tenacious and swears to follow the Gecko brothers to the gates of hell (which is almost accurate by the end of this season). It turns out that Gonzalez has a rich bloodline that grants him special powers.

Along the way to Mexico, the Gecko brothers end up taking the Fuller family hostage, just like in the movie. This time, the patriarch of the family is played by Robert Patrick (previously played by Harvey Keitel). His children are portrayed by relative newcomers Madison Davenport and Brandon Soo Hoo. The Fuller family are on the run from their own lives as the mother of the family died in unusual circumstances (which are explained by the end of the series).

As the Geckos and Fullers make their way to the “Titty Twister” and eventually begin the swapover to vampire story, we learn more backstory about all of the characters as well as some more background on the vampires. The vampires are unlike any vampire I’ve previously seen on TV or in movies. This show’s vampires’ lore explains that these vampires are actually reptilian as opposed to the classic vampire bat. The origin of Santanico Pandemonium was due to possession by snakes, rather than bats. It is an interesting spin on the classic vampire origin.

If I had one complaint for this show, it would be the casting of Santanico Pandemonium (played by newcomer Eiza Gonzalez). Perhaps it is because Salma Hayek’s Santanico was so iconic, but the new actress just doesn’t compare. Of course, the character is given far more depth and backstory on this TV show, but the actress simply isn’t as breathtaking.

Two other characters that are repurposed are Carlos and “Sex Machine”. Carlos was originally the man that the Geckos were meeting at the Titty Twister in the movie, but on the show, Carlos is a vampire masquerading as their human point of contact. In the movie, “Sex Machine” (originally played by Tom Savini) was a fellow human at the Titty Twister who was mainly defined by having a gun shaped like a penis that fired from his crotch. On the show, the character is played by the scene-stealing Jake Busey, and he is an anthropologist on the hunt for this vampire civilization.

In summation, I really enjoyed this revision of the “From Dusk Till Dawn” story. The new actors and expanded storylines really fleshed out the movie’s original plot without feeling like the show was a redundant exercise. The series has been renewed for a second season and I am curious to see where this show heads next, as the first season pretty much followed the storyline of the movie. Perhaps I need to watch From Dusk Till Dawn 2 and 3 in preparation?

The post From Dusk Till Dawn: The TV Show appeared first on screensnark..

Right up there with Howard The Duck

But it wasn’t one of those shows I was hugely into as a kid. Still, I got the jist. Prince Adam, who is secretly He-Man, battles the evil Skeletor. Lots of gay innuedos for adults and you have wacky characters like Beast Man, Man-At-Arms and so on. There’s also Orko, who’s a fucking annoying incompetenet wizard or Jester. He never decides.

So like most hit cartoons of the 80s, of course He-Man would get some sort of reboot. So, in 2002 along comes He-Man and The Masters of The Universe, which basically rewinds everything back a bit. You see the “origin” of Skeletor (he had an origin?) de-age Prince Adam a few years and include characters seen in the toy line but not in show, and bam! He-Man lives again!

So here’s the surprising thing: The setup isn’t terrible. I mean the original is goofy as fuck and has it’s charm, no doubt. But for what would probably be sacrosanct to fans of the original, this plays it pretty close to the chest Teela is still pretty kickass, Orko is still annoying. Adam is a bit of a coward, but tries to be a hero without always relying on He-Man on occasion. Evil-Lyn is basically Starscream, which is great. There are ongoing story arcs. It even has a heartfelt lesson at the end of every episode. The animation isn’t spectacular but better than you’d expect from a lazy update of an old show.

Where He-Man and the Masters of The Universe falls flat is like 90% of the dialogue and actual plot execution is goddamn painful. A perfect example is in one episode Man-At-Arms and He-Man are trapped in a giant fish thing. He-Man is desperately trying to carry Man-At-Arms up the stomach before Skeletor wins the day. Man-At-Arms tell He-Man to just drop him because he’s too heavy with his armor. TAKE OFF YOUR HEAVY AS FUCK ARMOR, MAN-AT-ARMS. He-Man says some bullshit about not leaving friends behind later, but he’s just as fucking dumb for not telling his buddy to lighten the goddamn load. There are numerous examples of this. I’m not expecting something on the level of Mad Men or anything. but even in a kids show some goddamn logic and basic common sense has to be at play (unless you are purposely going for no logic or common sense, and this isn’t doing that).

At the end of the day though, much like G.I. Joe: Renegades, I have to ask: Who is this for? I guess it was originally to help launch a whole new Masters of The Universe line along with a movie (that’s still in development hell to this day) but since that never really materialized it just stands on its own as a weird oddity that probably hung around for 3 seasons because they had nothing else to put on in it’s time slot.

Final Rating: 2/5-Guys who had their face melted off with acid and still survived

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