HOLY SHIT, WHY DIDN’T MY WIFE TELL ME THIS SHIT WAS SO GOOD?!?

I’ve watched the last two episodes of this outstanding sometimes intense drama, sometimes uproariously funny comedy, and even though there are story threads galore happening, most of which trace back through several seasons, I have a pretty damn good idea of what’s going on.  Some of that is because I ask my wife what’s happening every few minutes, but I think it’s mostly because it’s terrifically written.

I haven’t watched a lot of the show over the few years that it’s been on, but it is immediately intriguing since the amount of evolution from season to season and even episode to episode is so extensive.  A marriage crumbles, and rather than focus on the death of the relationship, the focus is squarely placed on the uncomfortable moments that inevitably follow.  There’s an affair!  But oh, then it ends.  What happens when a person is constantly forced to face a person that they had an affair with, especially when it ended in a horribly awkward way?

So yes, the main storylines are great.  But my favorite part of the show is really the subplots, because even the smallest supporting characters are nuanced and deep, and if they don’t all always get their moments to shine, they are all allowed to contribute and push the plot.  The pregnant ditsy blonde that works in the governor’s office?  Yeah well, this week she’s in charge of an ongoing internal ethics investigation that could lead to a federal inquiry, and no, she’s not going to just roll over and cooperate like everyone expects shallow blonde women to.  The semi-subordinate jock attorney that’s jealous that his ex-lesbian private investigator friend with hetero-benefits went back to liking chicks?  Yeah, he paid a bartender to dump a drink on him, knowing she couldn’t resist checking his phone for info after he had texted himself awful misleading bullshit and knowing she’d run with it.

And did I mention the guest stars and recurring cast?  Forget what I said about the subplots being the best part of the show.  The real, real best part of the show is the insanely brilliant way that it utilizes terrific actors in bit parts, drumming up importance and context where it otherwise could never have existed.  Compare it to the way CSI threw people into forgettable roles for one episode and then disposed of them, except EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF THAT.  Matthew Perry, Nathan Lane, Stockard Channing, Mike J. Fox, Amanda Peet, Scott Porter.  These roles could have just as easily been filled with no-names that no one would recognize, but the show distances itself from estrogen-seeking nonsense like Revenge by constantly forcing the audience to go back to their IMDBs to figure out where they’ve seen that person before.  Juliana Margulies, Josh Charles, Alan Cumming, and the rest of the main cast are great, but the real value is in the small but juicy roles that are continually given to reasonably household names that crush them.

Seriously, my wife and I have to compromise with TV, because as a rule we do not watch any of the same shit.  But now I feel particularly lucky, because she thinks she’s making me watch The Good Wife, and while I’m loving it, she’s going to HATE True Detective or Game of Thrones.

8.5/10

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So every year I swear I’m not going to watch this show, and every year my wife ends up sucking me in to whatever vapid menagerie of losers ended up getting past the casting couch this time around. This year of course is no exception, and the “twist” is that it’s the first time we get a Latino bachelor – Juan Pablo Galavis. How much more bueno that makes this season is yet to be seen.  But it’s still early.

For those not familiar with the format, the first episode starts off with all of the single women arriving in limos, with The Bachelor there to greet them individually.  When the show first aired over a decade ago, it was a tasteful meet-and-greet, filled with dignity and awkwardness – but more or less how you would expect normal people to react when being introduced together for the first time.  But over the years, it’s morphed into what can only be described as an embarrassing parade of gimmicky skits, each bimbo trying to outdo the one before in making initial impressions. For example, this year one of the contestants (Claire) appeared to be in a late-term pregnancy (then laughed it off as a ‘ha ha, gotcha, fake!’), and another (Amy J) brought a massage table with her and gave Juan Pablo a fully clothed rubdown outside in the entry way (see above). Someone needs to give some of these girls a copy of the book “The Rules,” and explain to them that mystery and subtlety can still leave a lasting impression.

Moving on, the first impression rose typically goes to the woman who The Bachelor is most attracted to, coinciding with a simple, “[Chick’s name], will you accept this rose?”. This time around it went to Sharleen, who — for the first time that I can recall – almost turned it down. But after a few extremely awkward seconds of silence, she responded with a half-hearted, “Sure.”  Really?  I mean, if there’s that little potential for a spark, why not do the proper thing and just leave?  Beyond silly. But then again, that’s exactly what this show is.

The only other moderately interesting thing that happened in this episode centered on a girl named Lauren H., who recently got dumped by her fiancé.  Why someone still in early post-break up mode would agree to come on a show like this is a mystery.  And why such a person would spend the only 5 minutes of alone time she had with The Bachelor whining about it is even more perplexing.  But that’s exactly what she did.  And it was no surprise that she left that night rose-less.  Again, “The Rules.”  Read it.

I’m not sure if I’m going to be motivated enough to post a recap of this dumb show every week, but I will probably share my feelings on how things progress over the next few weeks – especially since there’s one chick, self-described as a ‘free spirit’ (i.e. unemployed), who feels more comfortable naked than clothed.  Maybe it won’t be such a bad season after all. Stay tuned.

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Deadly Women – Death Benefits

Shit my wife watches is a column where I sit down with my wife and watch whatever bullshit she happens to be watching at the time.  She’s happy because I’m spending time with her, and then I dissect and bash the hell out of the things that make her happy.  It should be fun, everybody wins.  Except the part of my brain that enjoys quality television.

So just to preface this recap/review I’d like to say that I generally can’t stand these murder shows.  My wife has somehow seen every one that exists and there’s at least three real life investigation murder shows for every single murder that’s happened since 1955.  After a while all of these things start to look the same.  So having said that, let’s dive in I guess…

Oh sweet, this is one of those re-enactment type of shows.  They always choose just the greatest actors for these things.  So we focus in on the world’s greatest dad.  It looks like this Stevie Janowski looking motherfucker sits around all day playing with his kids.  That’s his job, while the mother’s job is to glower at him.  Oh man, and considering the name of the show I’m starting to have a bad feeling about this.  It looks like his hobby as a white male is to collect samurai swords.  I’m sure that’s just some useless information that won’t come back into play here.  Anyways, the wife/mother is bored with the marriage and looks up her high school flame.  She starts fucking around until the guy feels guilty and stops it.  That just sends this bitch over the edge.  She decides the best course of action now is naturally to creep into her kids’ bedroom and suffocate her 3 year old son with a pillow.  Then the same treatment on the older son(age unspecified). This is just such uplifting stuff to watch. Oh shit she’s not, she is not, OH SHE IS, SHE’S GRABBING ONE OF THE DAMN SAMURAI SWORDS NOW.  “The biggest sword he owned” they say. That’s good info. Bitch goes full Kill Bill on her husband, spraying cranberry juice everywhere.  Then she pretties herself up and goes out on the town.  Probably needed a drink to take the edge off after that.  Detectives quickly figure out she’s lying and discover her husband’s blood on her cigarette pack.  At this point she’s like “fuck it” and just admits to the killings.  Ends the segment with the mother of the husband talking about what her grandchildren could have grown up to do while sad piano music plays.  Stop trying to evoke emotion from me, Investigation Discovery channel.

Story two.  The year – 1950.  The woman – some middle aged waitress who just married an old guy.  Oh my god he’s in bed I hope he’s okay.  Oh no guys………….he died.  He got sick and died.  The waitress goes on to romance her late husband’s 30 year old son because that’s not weird.  They’re super happy and I can only assume everything will work out for the lovers.  Except then HE dies.  Oh my goodness, I hope she doesn’t feel guilty somehow.  OH HE WAS POISONED.  Flashback time!  The year – 1937.  The woman – same chick, different husband.  She also had kids.  She starts out poisoning her kids.  Hilariously as I watch this I hear a gasp from my wife at this revelation.  As if she doesn’t watch this kind of  crap all day long.  Dead children should be old hat by now.  Anywho, she also killed that husband, and her own mother.  I wasn’t prepared for matricide(the murder of one’s mother)!  I was all in for mariticide(the murder of one’s husband) and filicide(the murder of one’s children) but this is too much!  So now detectives being super smart people are like, “Hey…..something’s off here”, and immediately after arresting her we get another quick confession.  These women may be deadly, but they sure do fold under questioning easily.  She’s executed a couple years later.  Justice was swift in the 50′s.

Last story.  We focus up on another perfect father who spends all day playing with his kids.  The husband works nights, so the wife gets the night-loneliness.  She needs that night dick.  Everybody knows it’s only good when it’s dark.  So she gives her kids a ton of nyquil or something to make sure they stay asleep while she gets it on with every dude on the block.  She begins to see two 18 year old guys who are best friends.  She wants to have her husband murdered for the insurance money, and she convinces the teenagers using sex, alcohol, and drugs.  The pyramid structure for any convincing argument.  They agree and bludgeon the husband with baseball bats as he comes home.  They take the body and try blowing up a car with the body in it.  It doesn’t work because it wasn’t a 1980′s action film.  Plan two is to burn the car by pouring gasoline all through it.  The husband wakes up and tries to escape but too closely resembles Joe Pesci at the end of Casino(Spoilers OMG!).  He burns alive.  The insurance company suspected some foul play.  Pretty sharp guys.  Their investigation uncovers a load of evidence in the house and the two eighteen year olds quickly confess.  These stories are pretty vague on these points, but it seems like people can’t wait to tell everybody about their murders.  The wife denies it, but ultimately gets convicted along with her two gentlemen callers.  She was later executed by lethal injection.  Wouldn’t an eye for an eye require her to be beaten and burned alive?  Seems fair to me.  Segment ends with some kind of “expert” saying, and I quote, “In the end she didn’t get the insurance money after all”.  No shit?  Thanks, Investigation Discovery!

Phew, I’m going to need to watch some Teletubbies or something after this to balance out my brain.  I prefer my murders to be born out of fiction.  This stuff is just depressing to me as a human.  I did not enjoy this session of Shit My Wife Watches.  The world is filled with people that like this show, and people that don’t.  I suppose it’s good that opposites attract.  …..At least until you end up being portrayed by desperate actors on Deadly Women

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