The Bachelor, Season 18

So every year I swear I’m not going to watch this show, and every year my wife ends up sucking me in to whatever vapid menagerie of losers ended up getting past the casting couch this time around. This year of course is no exception, and the “twist” is that it’s the first time we get a Latino bachelor – Juan Pablo Galavis. How much more bueno that makes this season is yet to be seen.  But it’s still early.

For those not familiar with the format, the first episode starts off with all of the single women arriving in limos, with The Bachelor there to greet them individually.  When the show first aired over a decade ago, it was a tasteful meet-and-greet, filled with dignity and awkwardness – but more or less how you would expect normal people to react when being introduced together for the first time.  But over the years, it’s morphed into what can only be described as an embarrassing parade of gimmicky skits, each bimbo trying to outdo the one before in making initial impressions. For example, this year one of the contestants (Claire) appeared to be in a late-term pregnancy (then laughed it off as a ‘ha ha, gotcha, fake!’), and another (Amy J) brought a massage table with her and gave Juan Pablo a fully clothed rubdown outside in the entry way (see above). Someone needs to give some of these girls a copy of the book “The Rules,” and explain to them that mystery and subtlety can still leave a lasting impression.

Moving on, the first impression rose typically goes to the woman who The Bachelor is most attracted to, coinciding with a simple, “[Chick’s name], will you accept this rose?”. This time around it went to Sharleen, who — for the first time that I can recall – almost turned it down. But after a few extremely awkward seconds of silence, she responded with a half-hearted, “Sure.”  Really?  I mean, if there’s that little potential for a spark, why not do the proper thing and just leave?  Beyond silly. But then again, that’s exactly what this show is.

The only other moderately interesting thing that happened in this episode centered on a girl named Lauren H., who recently got dumped by her fiancé.  Why someone still in early post-break up mode would agree to come on a show like this is a mystery.  And why such a person would spend the only 5 minutes of alone time she had with The Bachelor whining about it is even more perplexing.  But that’s exactly what she did.  And it was no surprise that she left that night rose-less.  Again, “The Rules.”  Read it.

I’m not sure if I’m going to be motivated enough to post a recap of this dumb show every week, but I will probably share my feelings on how things progress over the next few weeks – especially since there’s one chick, self-described as a ‘free spirit’ (i.e. unemployed), who feels more comfortable naked than clothed.  Maybe it won’t be such a bad season after all. Stay tuned.

  • noman

    I hope that you continue writing these, so I can continue not watching this. Great job.

  • Cameron

    This shit’s gotta be funnier, bro. You’re ripping on the goddamn Bachelor. Ripe for parody.

  • medlar

    Keep writing so I can continue to watch this foolishness. Crazy broads are always entertaining.
    How the hell do you get massage oil out of a suit????