Deadly Women – Death Benefits
Shit my wife watches is a column where I sit down with my wife and watch whatever bullshit she happens to be watching at the time. She’s happy because I’m spending time with her, and then I dissect and bash the hell out of the things that make her happy. It should be fun, everybody wins. Except the part of my brain that enjoys quality television.
So just to preface this recap/review I’d like to say that I generally can’t stand these murder shows. My wife has somehow seen every one that exists and there’s at least three real life investigation murder shows for every single murder that’s happened since 1955. After a while all of these things start to look the same. So having said that, let’s dive in I guess…
Oh sweet, this is one of those re-enactment type of shows. They always choose just the greatest actors for these things. So we focus in on the world’s greatest dad. It looks like this Stevie Janowski looking motherfucker sits around all day playing with his kids. That’s his job, while the mother’s job is to glower at him. Oh man, and considering the name of the show I’m starting to have a bad feeling about this. It looks like his hobby as a white male is to collect samurai swords. I’m sure that’s just some useless information that won’t come back into play here. Anyways, the wife/mother is bored with the marriage and looks up her high school flame. She starts fucking around until the guy feels guilty and stops it. That just sends this bitch over the edge. She decides the best course of action now is naturally to creep into her kids’ bedroom and suffocate her 3 year old son with a pillow. Then the same treatment on the older son(age unspecified). This is just such uplifting stuff to watch. Oh shit she’s not, she is not, OH SHE IS, SHE’S GRABBING ONE OF THE DAMN SAMURAI SWORDS NOW. “The biggest sword he owned” they say. That’s good info. Bitch goes full Kill Bill on her husband, spraying cranberry juice everywhere. Then she pretties herself up and goes out on the town. Probably needed a drink to take the edge off after that. Detectives quickly figure out she’s lying and discover her husband’s blood on her cigarette pack. At this point she’s like “fuck it” and just admits to the killings. Ends the segment with the mother of the husband talking about what her grandchildren could have grown up to do while sad piano music plays. Stop trying to evoke emotion from me, Investigation Discovery channel.
Story two. The year – 1950. The woman – some middle aged waitress who just married an old guy. Oh my god he’s in bed I hope he’s okay. Oh no guys………….he died. He got sick and died. The waitress goes on to romance her late husband’s 30 year old son because that’s not weird. They’re super happy and I can only assume everything will work out for the lovers. Except then HE dies. Oh my goodness, I hope she doesn’t feel guilty somehow. OH HE WAS POISONED. Flashback time! The year – 1937. The woman – same chick, different husband. She also had kids. She starts out poisoning her kids. Hilariously as I watch this I hear a gasp from my wife at this revelation. As if she doesn’t watch this kind of crap all day long. Dead children should be old hat by now. Anywho, she also killed that husband, and her own mother. I wasn’t prepared for matricide(the murder of one’s mother)! I was all in for mariticide(the murder of one’s husband) and filicide(the murder of one’s children) but this is too much! So now detectives being super smart people are like, “Hey…..something’s off here”, and immediately after arresting her we get another quick confession. These women may be deadly, but they sure do fold under questioning easily. She’s executed a couple years later. Justice was swift in the 50′s.
Last story. We focus up on another perfect father who spends all day playing with his kids. The husband works nights, so the wife gets the night-loneliness. She needs that night dick. Everybody knows it’s only good when it’s dark. So she gives her kids a ton of nyquil or something to make sure they stay asleep while she gets it on with every dude on the block. She begins to see two 18 year old guys who are best friends. She wants to have her husband murdered for the insurance money, and she convinces the teenagers using sex, alcohol, and drugs. The pyramid structure for any convincing argument. They agree and bludgeon the husband with baseball bats as he comes home. They take the body and try blowing up a car with the body in it. It doesn’t work because it wasn’t a 1980′s action film. Plan two is to burn the car by pouring gasoline all through it. The husband wakes up and tries to escape but too closely resembles Joe Pesci at the end of Casino(Spoilers OMG!). He burns alive. The insurance company suspected some foul play. Pretty sharp guys. Their investigation uncovers a load of evidence in the house and the two eighteen year olds quickly confess. These stories are pretty vague on these points, but it seems like people can’t wait to tell everybody about their murders. The wife denies it, but ultimately gets convicted along with her two gentlemen callers. She was later executed by lethal injection. Wouldn’t an eye for an eye require her to be beaten and burned alive? Seems fair to me. Segment ends with some kind of “expert” saying, and I quote, “In the end she didn’t get the insurance money after all”. No shit? Thanks, Investigation Discovery!
Phew, I’m going to need to watch some Teletubbies or something after this to balance out my brain. I prefer my murders to be born out of fiction. This stuff is just depressing to me as a human. I did not enjoy this session of Shit My Wife Watches. The world is filled with people that like this show, and people that don’t. I suppose it’s good that opposites attract. …..At least until you end up being portrayed by desperate actors on Deadly Women