1/09-TMZ-Fox

-If it makes you feel any better, I hate myself for watching this.

-Michelle Rodriguez got bombed courtside at the Knicks game and started full on tongue kissing her supermodel friend.  This was pleasant.

-The Honey Boo Boo clan got in a car wreck and injured themselves and Harvey and the gang are laughing hysterically as they are wont to do.

-Rapper Tiger(?) bought and tricked out a 2014 Maybach for 2.2 million dollars.  I’ve never even heard of this fucking guy.  what the hell?

-Goofing on the new Bachelor, Juan Pablo and ABC’s horrendous promotion of it.  This Juan-uary, Juan Pablo is simply Juan-derful.  Good grief.

-They’re gushing over Tim Tebow predicting the score of the BCS Championship game.  TMZ loves them some Tebow.

-Kellen Lutz in NYC defying the cult that is Crossfit.  Says he tried it and it’s just bad for your joints.  Hey, I’ll buy it.  Have you seen that guy?  He’s bu-uuuuuuffff #EncinoMan

-Hey Rod Stewart, what do you think of the Beatles? “Couldn’t give a fuck”  Alrighty then, thank you for your time.

-Instagram of Alexander Sarsgaard taking an epic dump in Antarctica, just butt naked sitting on a toilet on a glacier.

1/09-Conan-TBS

-I’m pretty much watching Conan out of a sense of loyalty at this point, and even that’s going to end in a month when Fallon takes over the Tonight Show and goes head to head with Kimmel.  Conan just isn’t very funny anymore.  he’s on autopilot and it’s sad.  the Jimmys are both doing fun and creative things and Conan is simply not.  At all.  He’s like my seventh favorite late night host at this point.  sorry, buddy.  I’ll record you when either Kimmel or Fallon are in repeats.  Deal?

-OK, sweet.  One of the few things Conan does that still amuses me is fucking with his super strange employee, Jordan Schlansky.  and it looks like we’re getting it here.  Conan has hired a professional organizer to help him with his messy office.  Let’s see how this goes.

-”Do you mind if I eat your sandwich during this process?  It really doesn’t matter how you answer” haha

-Jordan keeps a jar of sauerkraut in his desk because it’s a natural probiotic.  why is he so strange?

-”You have cheeses, you have wines, you have salami.  This is a television show yet you seem to think we’re running a moderately sized Italian restaurant”

-haha, Conan finds an old paystub from NBC and is perturbed. “This is garbage”

-”Don’t look me in the eyes.  that was awful.  I just saw the end of the world in your eyes”  That was a fun segment.  more stuff like this and way way less of the band that sings songs that are slightly different from hit songs because of copyright law.  that shit is the anti-funny, O’Brien.

-Marky Mark Wahlburgers is here!

-haha, he’s talking about his wife and child staying at a hotel during the Patriots game because he got into deep trouble when the Patriots lost the Super Bowl a couple years ago(GIANTS!  ELI!).  He threw everyone out of his house and his wife was like “It’s only a game.” and Wahlburgers said “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talkin ’bout!”

-Wahlberg is cracking me up.  now he’s talking about how his daughter is into one direction and she likes Harry.  “That’s nice, honey.  but if I ever see that fuckin guy I’m gonna punch him in the nose.”

-Mark’s youngest son met the Rock and surpassed the high five and punched him square in the nuts.  Mark thought he was gonna catch a beating for that.

-I don’t want to see Lone Survivor, because 1. War movies make me feel uncomfortable and 2. Tim Riggins is in the movie and I know he’s not the survivor.  Seeing Tim Riggins die would traumatize me.

-Kathryn Hahn is out next.  I like her, but it was pretty uneventful.  Her dad is a cheapskate and she felt up Jennifer Aniston’s tits.  She’ll always be the woman who forced herself on John C. Reilly in Step Brothers.  It’s so slippery!

-Last up was comedian Chad Daniels.  he made me laugh.  I liked him.  “If you ever have to give a speech in front of the class, consider taping your dick down.  14 year old boners do not keep a schedule”

1/10-Kevin Hart: Serve And Protect-Comedy Central

-I saw this and decided to record it.  I like Kevin Hart.  I think he’s funny as hell.  And in this program, he is promoting his new movie, Ride Along, by observing police officers.

-Kevin starts out following a parking enforcement officer around and writes tickets with his own personal stamp.  “Gotcha, Bitch!”  The officer isn’t a fan.  He also isn’t a fan of Kevin blowing the whistle right next to his fucking head.

-The officer’s record is 126 tickets in one day.  “Well, that makes you an asshole”

-Next up, he was a security guard at a strip mall and I was dying.  He was talking about this tweaker with purple hair.  He said “He had that Bobby Brown chin back and forth all over the place”

-The security guard talks about seeing a guy jerk off over by the trash can and Kevin quits “High five, though.  good work here watchin people jerk off and shit”

-Now he’s on the police ride along.  “I heard that women arrest more people when they’re on their cycle.  I saw that on worldstarhiphop.com” hahaha

-”I’m not entirely sure what the definition of jaywalking is, but the way he’s crossing the street is throwing me off”

-That was enjoyable.  If you like Kevin Hart.  I think he’s pretty damn funny.  your mileage may vary.