So every year I swear I’m not going to watch this show, and every year my wife ends up sucking me in to whatever vapid menagerie of losers ended up getting past the casting couch this time around. This year of course is no exception, and the “twist” is that it’s the first time we get a Latino bachelor – Juan Pablo Galavis. How much more bueno that makes this season is yet to be seen.  But it’s still early.

For those not familiar with the format, the first episode starts off with all of the single women arriving in limos, with The Bachelor there to greet them individually.  When the show first aired over a decade ago, it was a tasteful meet-and-greet, filled with dignity and awkwardness – but more or less how you would expect normal people to react when being introduced together for the first time.  But over the years, it’s morphed into what can only be described as an embarrassing parade of gimmicky skits, each bimbo trying to outdo the one before in making initial impressions. For example, this year one of the contestants (Claire) appeared to be in a late-term pregnancy (then laughed it off as a ‘ha ha, gotcha, fake!’), and another (Amy J) brought a massage table with her and gave Juan Pablo a fully clothed rubdown outside in the entry way (see above). Someone needs to give some of these girls a copy of the book “The Rules,” and explain to them that mystery and subtlety can still leave a lasting impression.

Moving on, the first impression rose typically goes to the woman who The Bachelor is most attracted to, coinciding with a simple, “[Chick’s name], will you accept this rose?”. This time around it went to Sharleen, who — for the first time that I can recall – almost turned it down. But after a few extremely awkward seconds of silence, she responded with a half-hearted, “Sure.”  Really?  I mean, if there’s that little potential for a spark, why not do the proper thing and just leave?  Beyond silly. But then again, that’s exactly what this show is.

The only other moderately interesting thing that happened in this episode centered on a girl named Lauren H., who recently got dumped by her fiancé.  Why someone still in early post-break up mode would agree to come on a show like this is a mystery.  And why such a person would spend the only 5 minutes of alone time she had with The Bachelor whining about it is even more perplexing.  But that’s exactly what she did.  And it was no surprise that she left that night rose-less.  Again, “The Rules.”  Read it.

I’m not sure if I’m going to be motivated enough to post a recap of this dumb show every week, but I will probably share my feelings on how things progress over the next few weeks – especially since there’s one chick, self-described as a ‘free spirit’ (i.e. unemployed), who feels more comfortable naked than clothed.  Maybe it won’t be such a bad season after all. Stay tuned.

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Ah, reality TV, that niche of the television industry most rife with pedestals and pitfalls.  For every Masterchef there’s a Bachelor, for every Amazing Race there’s a Long Island Medium, for every Big Brother 14 there’s a Big Brother 15.  Shark Tank, Mark Cuban’s foray into the medium, borrows much of the schlock from the awful side of reality TV, while remaining  grounded in actual reality.  The show features real entrepreneurs seeking real cash from real investors, which allows it to separate itself from other money-related shows like Storage Wars, which have had their behind the scenes shenanigans exposed.  The basic premise of each episode is that several potential investment opportunities are pitched to the Sharks, who are made up of five wealthy investors.  The Sharks then weigh the pros and cons of the opportunity, making offers or rejections along the way.  The show can be in turns boring and intriguing, and much of the excitement level depends directly on the type of person and product being evaluated.  Every episode I complain to my wife that we’re watching, and every episode I still find myself yelling at my TV.

So this weeks assignment was “Shark tank” on ABC. it’s not mind bending, but it is a neat show and I can yell at the TV and watch with the kids.

The basic concept is people come on in front of a panel of “experts” and pitch their ideas, concepts, businesses, or inventions. Sometimes the inventions are actually good. Most of the time, however, they are redonk useless and even a waste of money.

I missed almost the first half of this past week due to a Christmas parade. if you don’t have children, just buckle up for when you do. They take over your life even if you say “they won’t take over my life”. You have no say in it.

This week was a Christmas invention special. The fist pitch was a little thing called “the Hanukkah Tree Topper”. I’m not Jewish but I always wanted to be. Firstly I wanted 8 “crazy” nights of gifts. As a gluttonous catholic, I wanted more presents growing up, the church taught me well. Secondly, I thought being Jewish was so cool and exotic and then later in life I heard Jewish men can do you pretty well. I’m not sure if I’ve ever confirmed that but I’m going with that stereotype. Mazel. Anyway this dumb thing was for mixed families with Jewish and non-Jewish members decorating a tree and you could put this tree topper to gives snaps to being Jewish. I’m not sure about the rules and regulations of being Jewish and mixing religions, I’m not sure if it’s frowned upon. The idea seemed stupid to me. I mean can’t you have a menorah and a tree? Must you combine the tree with a Hanukkah topper?

The whole premise of the show is to get these experts (who seem really like D list investors) to give you money for your company and some percentage. I don’t do finance or numbers for a living and I don’t care. Their proposals sound absurd. They claim to be already making 150k but they need more money? I know enough about business to know these people are fibbing pussy farts out of their ass.

I think either they didn’t get any of the experts or only one? Anyway this idea isn’t taking off like an Ipod anytime soon.

The other product I remember was “Cashmere hair”. LOL, I was dying during this segment. This appeals to the fake bitches of the world trying to get luxurious hair with extensions. I think it’s great for an event or something or if you’re a Real Housewife, it’s mandatory. but Us Jane Shmoes of the world just use our regular hair and seem to have to get dick that way. The premise is these clip-in hair extensions from INDIA (ya know all the best hair comes from INDIA!) The shit was super expensive. Yes it was “probably” real hair, but there is no regulating body that can tell you it’s not horse hair. This shit reminds me of those chicken cutlet tits things. I always thought that was a sham. You know if you’re a guy and you’re at a bar and you see some chic you might want to dick, and she has really nice boobs. You get her home, you’re listening to Nine Inch Nails.. and “Closer” comes on and you pop out a chicken cutlet form her bra. IF I WERE A GUY…. I’d be pisssssssssed. Just use your real teets and your real hair. You can’t be all bait n switching on men ladies. They like you for who you are or they don’t. You can’t do a Dog and Pony Show when it comes to relationships.

There were other products, but those two were my favorites. All in all this episode the investors were not that successful, and none of the ideas blew me away. There is always next week!

Thanks Joe and you all have a great Holiday Jewish or not!

4 outta 5 dreidels!

~Shelly

I have to disagree about the chicken cutlet thing.  The girls that I used to bring home from bars, they NEVER had chicken cutlets for tits.  So if one girl did have chicken cutlets for tits, I would have to say “HOLY SHIT YOU HAVE CHICKEN CUTLETS FOR TITS!!!”  But would they look really nice?  I don’t know if a chicken cutlet really looks like a tit.  Every time I try to type “cutlet” I end up tying “Cutler”.

I watched this holiday-centric episode.  I think Mark is Jewish, right?  Anyway, Jewish girls are pretty good at sexing, but I’ve experienced a very small sample size.  Pitches were:

1. The Tree Topping Star of David.  I can’t believe this got a deal.  Way too niche-y with no plan for brand extension.  And when they have Jewish guys on this show, they tend to be suuuuuuuuuper stereotypical.  I’m sure that’s not intentional, but sheesh.
2. Cashmere Hair:  Women be shoppppppppppppin’.  I was pretty surprised that no one picked this one up.  The hair extension market isn’t going to go away, and the chicks looked like they were offering really high quality hair, combined with super fast application and removal.
3. Tipsy Elves: Ugly Christmas sweaters that are unbelievably expensive.  I actually really liked a lot of the designs, and these guys had huge sales coming in.  The pitch-people with proven sales always end up with deals as long as they don’t have ridiculously stupid business models or giant problems somewhere in their company ledger.  Even so, these guys almost lost out.
4. Magnetic Christmas Lights:  None of the Sharks saw a real advantage to this product, and the guy didn’t have any real sales.  For that reason, they were OUT.

This episode was pretty representative of the show.  It’s not the greatest 45 minutes on TV, but if you spend your entire life watching high-intensity drama, you’ll burn out super fast.  Just forcing myself to calculate each entrepreneur’s company valuation in my head is a fun brain exercise, and worth the price of admission.

6/10 Santa Shaped Dildos (or Menorah-themed vibrators)

–Joe

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My daughter is sixteen months old.  We watch Sofia the First.  We watch Jake and the Neverland Pirates.  We binge watch Yo Gabba Gabba.  She doesn’t quite know what’s going on all the time, but she knows what she likes, and she isn’t shy about demanding more of it.

Coincidentally (or not coincidentally?) the same global conglomerate that produces her favorite show, The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, also produces Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD.  Having recently watched countless hours of TMMC, the similarities between the two shows are striking.  Mickey and Coulson, the fearless leaders.  Donald Duck and Agent Tough Guy, the loose cannons.  Minnie and Skye, the sexy, troubled supporting females. I’ve watched A LOT of TMMC.  I feel like I have the formula down:

1. Musical Open!
2. Introduce Characters
3. Introduce Dilemma
4. Quest!
5. Solve Dilemma (audience participation is encouraged!)
6. Musical Close!

Other than the musical open and close, I see little to no difference between this and SHIELD.  And several of the Mickey episodes have been pretty damn fun.  Pete, is he a good guy, or a bad guy?  Depends on the episode!  Will we see Huey, Dewey, and Luey?!?  You’ll have to wait and see!  There’s even a robot that always comes through with just the right items and technology to make sure that Mickey and pals will be able to fix whatever problem they’re dealing with.  OHHHHHHHHH TOOOOOOOOOODLEESSSSSSSSSS!!!  So obviously the way to resurrected the listless and spiraling SHIELD is…to introduce a musical element!  And maybe have characters constantly breaking the 4th wall to ask the audience, “how would you solve the problem?!?!?  ALLLLLL RIGHT!!!!”

Shenanigans aside, this episode actually had some flashes of emotion, and may have been the best yet.  But that’s an extremely low bar to clear at this point, and I have little hope that SHIELD will ever be more than a vehicle whose sole purpose is to remind Marvel movie fans that there probably will be another Marvel movie coming out in the next 3-6 months. The lone highlights are definitely the two nerdy scientists, and I actually cared this week when their lives were in jeopardy.  I don’t think I’d bat an eye if any of the other cast members died, but those two do seem to strike a chord with my inner nerd, and I’m glad that neither of the perished.

However, we still have a villain-less episode, with no connection to any over-arching storyline, very few ties to the Marvel Universe, and no real long-term plans for any of the characters.  It really is a show for children and simpletons, and since it’s not a show for children, or simpletons, isn’t The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse doing a better job?  And therefore, isn’t it a better show?

4/10

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Nothing is more disappointing than wasted potential.  Among new TV shows, this is the show that everyone is discussing.  But no one is saying, “holy shit, this is great!”, it’s basically, “damn, it could be so much better”.  That’s not good.  Disney has a brand to protect, of course they do.  Can’t let the weekly TV show bring down the multi-million dollar movie cashcow.  Everyone gets that.  But can something remotely exciting happen?  Or something a little outside of the procedural playbook?  These reviews are going to start getting redundant, because all the show is, is redundant.

My number one complaint for this week is going to be aimed at the casting department.  We know Coulson, but I’d be hard pressed to name anything that Clark Gregg was in prior to his Marvel movie appearances.  Ming-Na Wen?  I guess she’s been in a few things here and there, but I wouldn’t have been able to name her before this show.  The rest of the cast might as well be acting rookies, and it shows.  Okay, so Whedon and Co. didn’t want to take any huge risks with the creative direction of the show.  One obvious way to get around that is to cast well-rounded actors with loads of experience that are capable of carrying the show from week to week, making the audience forget that essentially the same shit is happening in every episode.  God bless them, maybe this set of actors will be able to do that some day.  For now, they’re far from it.

The “Problem” this week is that some street magician in China has mysteriously acquired the ability to produce flames with his body.  SHIELD knows about him, but now, so does Centipede.  Terrible name for a super-villain group, by the way.  Centipede preys on his need to become famous.  In a world where everyone seems to have a fame-seeking gene to one degree or another, the show’s writers seemed to make it as old-fashioned and 1970s comic-booky as possible.  That’s not a compliment.

There’s a twist!  Skye isn’t 100% on board, and is working with a boyfriend hacker behind their backs!  Everyone on the team is pissed off that the anti-establishment hacker is an anti-establishment hacker!  No one saw this coming, even after they advertised in thousands of weekly trailers!  The boyfriend has betrayed Skye too, selling out to, guess who?, Centipede!  For a million dollars!  Even the twists are boring as fuck and telegraphed as much as humanly possible.

At least the resolution is somewhat satisfying.  The firebug Chinese dude is completely insane and wielding his power with no regard for human life?  Let’s incinerate him.  That at least makes sense.  But Skye is somehow still on the team, and not locked up for the rest of her life.  That makes a little less sense.

I don’t want to waste too much time on this.  The writers obviously didn’t.  When there’s a little more content beyond the comprehension of a third grader, I might make a larger investment.

3/10

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DOUBLE FEATURE!

Or, I MISSED LAST WEEK’S REVIEW AND I’M CATCHING UP!!!

I want to treat this as a state of affairs for Agents of SHIELD.  We’re four episodes in now, for better or for worse we probably have a good idea of what we’re getting.  A few shows have managed to have earth-shaking tonal shifts mid-stream (actually can I really think of any?  Spin City, I guess, but not really?  The Daily Show?  Even Cheers went through a huge cast upheaval and didn’t really change fundamentally) and sometimes it can take a season or two for a show to find its niche.

Unfortunately it doesn’t look like Marvel/ABC/Disney is going to allow this show to try to find its niche.  Four episodes in, and the formula has already been well established.  Introduce Problem in Act 1, debate/struggle with/explore/reason out the Problem in Act 2, overcome adversity, come together as a team, solve the Problem in Act 3.  If the target audience is children and morons, fine.  I might tune in a couple more times, then forget the show exists.  Us fanboys are well aware what we collectively need to do in order to make sure something doesn’t get counted as canon.  Widespread ridicule and ambivalence are remarkably effective weapons.

The sad thing is that there is significant potential here.  Make it supernatural sci-fi.  Or make it a spy drama.  Or just make it incredibly weird.  Draw on the enormous Marvel back catalog for characters, but give them an updated Marvel Studios spin.  The show that they’ve actually made is overly cautious and has no real redeeming artistic merit whatsoever.  It’s really the opposite of what Marvel Studios has done with their movie franchises.

So they’re dead set on doing one and done episodes that run together from week to week in only the broadest sense.  It makes for the perfect opportunity for one shot cameos!  Even if you can’t get a mid-level actor to come on the show, get a nobody to play an updated version of The Tinkerer!  As of now, there’s really nothing that makes this “Marvel” other than Coulson (who isn’t even a back catalog character, he was created for the movies), five minutes of Maria Hill, and five minutes of Nick Fury.  So if there’s not much Marvel, the content is completely uninspiring, and there’s no artistic merit, what exactly is there to keep me watching?

I have a plan for Joss Whedon, who apparently has forgotten how to take risks when it comes to making TV.  Watch season 1 and season 2 of Sherlock from the BBC.  The makers of Sherlock have done a masterful job of modernizing a classic character.  Their usage of high end tech and dramatic mystery dwarf the efforts of SHIELD.  Somehow, a show that theoretically has no spy thriller element is a far and away better spy thriller than the show that is about an elite spy organization.  Yes, it’s a little high brow (it’s British for chrissakes) and needs to be dumbed down for the unwashed American masses.  But it’s fantastic, edge-of-your-seat television, and something for SHIELD to aspire to.  I suppose Sherlock does have the advantage of having Benedict Cumberbatch.  But the makers of Sherlock accomplished far more in the series’ pilot episode than SHIELD has in its first four.

There have been moments.  Forcing an innocent to do one’s bidding by giving directions through an electronic eye is pretty fucking cool.  They also have done a decent job of setting up some future confrontations, like the scientist trapped in the element from episode 3, and we still don’t know who was ultimately manipulating people with the eye implants from episode 4.  But it remains to be seen if they’ll actually capitalize on the opportunities that they’ve created, and at this point I have serious doubts.

This had (has?) the opportunity to be action-packed event television, but right now it’s being played so safe that it appears everything that would be worth watching has been strained out of it.  ABC/Disney/Marvel/Whedon has three options, I’d be fine with any of the three:

1. Tackle socio-political issues through science fiction allegories (gay marriage?  How about MUTANT marriage!!!)

2. Make 22 mini Bourne Identities per season (Jeremy Renner can guest star in two different roles!!!)

3. Throw out the playbook and give the comic fanboys what they want (Naked Scarlett Witch!!! Naked Maria Hill!!! Naked Moira McTaggart!!! Naked She-Hulk!!! Naked Spider-Woman!!! Naked…)

Bring it on, motherfuckers.

Ep 3 5/10

Ep 4 5/10

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Teaser: explosion on the SHIELD plane and Coulson is about to get sucked out the side.

Flash back to about a day earlier. Half the members are questioning why Skye is on the team. Well she’s not, she’s a consultant “Just like Tony Stark”  We get more exposition about Coulson being “hurt” in the Battle of New York and how “magical” Tahiti is.  

Apparently the super cargo plane, “The Bus” is something Coulson received after returning to duty. All this tech and they fly a cargo plane that has to have an airport or some long stretch of field near by to land  somewhere near by.  This week the team is in Peru to investigate an unknown device found in a pyramid. Coulson explains that they keep things quiet from the public. We get Skye’s major role. She’s pretty much Rat from “The Core” to make sure things don’t get exposed on the web.

The accents are atrocious with the tech geeks, so this means we are forced to listen to them for scientific explanations, however we get to see Phil handle a side arm with an old partner with some skill.  Grant then uses some type of shockwave stick which knocks people back but not out for them to make their escape.

The tech of the week seems to be Tesseract bomb. They then have to remind us directly which Marvel movie this is from (Captain America). How is it that no one was able to get any reading on this when they were looking for a similar device back in the Avengers film or anytime after?

The new members on their actual first official mission together squabble among themselves. Oh, we are so dysfunctional and different!  How will we ever become like the crew of the Serenity?

Coulson is mentioned to be having a mid-life crisis which he corrects to “afterlife”, surrounding himself with a young team and affection to the past. I’m thinking he may be a bit older than he appears. I’m going with infinity formula.

Wait, what? The random unauthorized military members that they saved and let on the plane are bad? The team gets captured?  Such refreshing new storytelling.

We then find out the device is a leftover from HYDRA and misplaced as the Third Reich fled to South America. Again, we knew of them since Howard Stark’s days but we didn’t check to make sure we got all this super weaponry out of the hands of bad guys?

Melinda May then shows why she’s named “The Cavalry”. The plucky team works together to try to get to Phil who’s tied up in another part of The Bus. They have to  trigger the device and blow a hole in the side of the plane since they had to change the pressure in the cabin to open the doors. Seriously, why are top secret super devices activated with such complicated switches?

We are now back to the beginning of the episode with Phil holding on for life. Only bad guys are sucked out the plane since saving people was already done in Iron Man 3.  Skye proves her worth by using an inflatable raft to plug the hole…In the side of the plane.  Whatever, it’s a Disney TV series.

They land and proceed to Operation Slingshot.  This operation is designed to banish things that are too powerful for one person or one government, to have control over, into the fucking sun. So it seems like no Warehouse 13 or Readers scenes. Seems like the episode is over with the team sharing some drinks. But wait, Skye replies to a text at the end of the episode…….”I’m in”  dum dum dummmmmmb.  

This was was a solid enough episode. They were on the set most of the episode, so it made a way for the story to be told without various set changes. It very much felt like a Firefly episode where we learn about the characters, the ship itself, and progressed to the grander stories while setting up new mysteries.

7/10

Oh shit, Nick Fury cameo?

9/10

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Welcome to the first installment of Some like it Watched, the segment where we, the ScreenSnark staff, attempt to examine why a particular show is popular.

This week, Joel our Chief Editor, in his infinite cruelty assigned Dancing With The Stars as our focus of examination. 

We will break this post down per contributor

Jam:

I wish I could say I popped my DWTS cherry tonight, but alas, as a married man I have had many a previous night sitting stone-faced and sullen on the couch while my wife had control of the television remote.

Please don’t confuse anything I write here with enthusiasm. I am hoping to get this over with as quickly as possible. I anticipate losing the will to even proof read what I have written, so please pardon a participle left dangled or word misspelled.  Thanks.

Okay here we go…

This, the seventeenth season of Dancing, is the one in which ABC promises us actual celebrities “who don’t need Googling.” Not so fast ABC, it took me a solid 20 minutes to sort out the professional dancers from half the “celebrities”.  But then again maybe I am the guy living under a rock who doesn’t know my Corbin Bleues from my Brant Daughertys.

Oh crap, is this the Saved By the Bell reunion I have been waiting for? I see Jessie Spano and that bitchy girl who ran the volleyball courts at the summer resort. You know the one who grew up and married the King of Queens. Okay, I’ll stop pretending I don’t know who Leah Remini is (especially with my three KoQ rerun a day habit), but it is a little shocking to see her here spending her first days of Scientology freedom doing a dancing show. I thought she would still be glued in front of a computer screen digesting the last 10 years worth of current events she missed out on. We have a black president?

And much to my disappointment, Elizabeth Berkley didn’t do her first dance to “I’m So Excited.” Lame.

Okay, let’s devote this paragraph to the celebrities who need no further mentioning. I’ll just list them for efficiency: Corbin Bleu, Brant Daugherty, Christina Milian, and Amber Riley. I have no idea who any of you are, and life is too short to look it up.

Bill Nye. Bill Nye, we can only assume was cast to bring in the 30 year old Reddit crowd. If only the show had the pull to bring in Beakman as well, things might have been interesting. Bill, thanks for keeping me entertained throughout my childhood, I appreciate the effort here, but I’d rather spend a few hours reading out-of-date Encyclopedia Britannicas than watching you dance. No offense, I don’t like watching anyone dance, unless they have daddy issues and are paired up with a pole.

Jack Osbourne. Jack, I am sorry but your relevancy rivals the shits your dad’s dog kept taking on the floor while on that MTV show.

Oh look everyone, Snooki! Excuse me, Nicole, as she now wants to be referred. Snooki, please go away.

Keyshawn Johnson joins the cast this year. I am sure his presence has nothing to do with his employer’s (ESPN) desire for cross company synergy. Dude, you have to read your employment contracts more closely.

Valarie Harper? Didn’t she die? No, seriously. I read earlier this summer she only had a few months to live; yet here she is, not only alive but dancing on a reality TV show. One can only assume those death stories were pre-press to get her name back in the public so she could qualify as a celebrity for the purposes of this show. Though I guess that theory falls apart when considering they also cast Bill Engvall, who hasn’t been seen or heard from in… (yeah I trailed off here. I don’t have the energy to devote any more time or effort to Bill Engvall.)

So getting back to my purpose here, did I come any closer to figuring out why people watch this show? No. I am sorry Joel. I failed. For the life of me I cannot figure out why anyone would commit several hours of his or her life each week to watching this nonsense.  I mean honestly, when was the last time anyone said, “I really can’t wait to watch a bunch of B and C-list celebrities dance to generic renditions of overplayed pop songs?” Speaking of which, ABC managed to get in two separate instances of “Blurred Lines” before even taking the first commercial break. The stage was set; I knew what I was in for. God this show is bad.

I hate you Joel. I’m going to go watch some football now.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Shelly:

I’m a virgin to Dancing With the Stars on ABC. It’s a big name show on network TV. It’s not about Walter White, demons, ghosts, hookers, serial killers or murderers. So I would usually never watch this. I’m going outside my comfort zone and changing it up (for tonight).

The show starts and all I see are very hot blond ladies dancing around with spray tanned perfect legs. They introduce the first couple”. What the hell is Pretty Little Liars? I know I know, its on ABC Family (which is weird because from what I’ve heard it can get not so family). And The guy from PLL has a partner named Peta/PITA? Now I’m Hungry. He barely moves his hips and she is really hot. I’d like to see more ass.

Ohhh Tom Bergeron! he is hosting. Now I’m craving America’s Funniest Home video! Nothing says ‘Murica like a cat singing The Star Spangled Banner.

Next up Leah Remini who I know from The “King of Queens” but also from “Living Dolls”. I wonder if she had to consult with L Ron Hubbard before doing this show? She looks so pretty , I love her dress except it has this sparkly dog collar neck brace thing to it. Leah looks like Angelina Jolie, if Angie would eat a damn sammich. There is some nutty asshat judge who keeps making inappropriate comments. BTW “twerking” was NOT invented by Miley Cyrus. Just an FYI for the youth of America.
Brooke Burke Charvet is also hosting and although she is pretty all I think of is Sketchers and Baywatch Queefs. (I say queef too much, but its a great word).

Cut to commercial. OMG Willem Dafoe. Sharp nails. A Mercedes Benz. SOLD!

Now a High School Musical Kid (whom I should know but my kids watch weirder shit than that) and his partner Vodka girl. These dancers have insane bodies. I mean crazy hot (at least the women). I want to be a Hot queefy dancer STAT. SWAN FUCKING LAKE here I come! I do wish they’d flash a nip slip or some more ass.

Next up Jack Osbourne. Cut to the shot of Pee Paw Ozzy looking lost and about to shit himself. You can’t write this stuff, folks. Cheryl Burke is his partner and I like her look, she’s a bit thicker than the teensy dancers. Her dress however is a nude allusion dress. it looks like control top pantyhose which smell like broccoli and pregnant lady feet. so all around = not sexy.

Audience shot of J Lo and her toddler boyfriend and momma Sharon Osbourne. She’s so proud. I haven’t a snarky thing to say bout her.

Amber Reilly up next. Oh I love her. I watched the first season of Glee and she knocks the pants off of Lea Michelle. She has lost some weight and looks great. For a plus sized girl she cuts an amazing rug! I enjoyed this dance a lot. But wait did her partner Derek rip his coat? Cue “Fat Guy in a little Coat” (RIP Chris Farley).

Elizabeth Berkley. Hells yeah Nomi Malone! Please oh please tell me her and her partner recreate the classic pool thrashing scene from “Showgirls”. I have a feeling I’m going to be disappointed. I am let down. no such scene. Also does her partner not know boundaries? He is straight up licking her ear after the performance.

Then its Bill Nye “The Science Guy” but ummmm I have no clue who this is? I’m a 3 2 1 contact or Mr Wizard kind of gal. Aww they play Weird Science for him.  How cute. I feel like I’m watching Skinemax late night though with his partner (who is also insane hot). The Nutty Professor takes a whole new meaning. At the end of his “dance” he chugs a strange blue liquid.  Jonestown anyone? No surprise they rank poorly.

Some football guy. I don’t follow football if it’s not a NE Patriot related deal. Ohhh his partner has tight gold pants! I miss Solid Gold, that was a show! She may want to freshen up with Summer’s Eve after this dance. those pants don’t breathe! Their chemistry is awful, I don’t see this pair progressing too much longer.

Christina Milian is now coming out to dance.  Ummm no clue here? Did she sing something? Oh I love dry ice crawling sequences. That’s it they win. Dry ice and spastic movements woo me over any time. Her expression is that of constipation, so I guess that’s sexy.

Yayyyyyy my redneck, Bill Engvall. I think he may be the most “real” so far. His partner is so pretty in the magenta number. i want to wear that to date night at Applebee’s (remind me people). He waxes the floor with her, that’s pretty cool. His matching vest looks like he is in “Wedding Crashers” . They did pretty well dancing to “Hot-stuff”. Again I’d like to see more ass in this show. Like “Dancing with the Donks” or something.

Now Valerie Harper. Wow, what a classy lady. They really landed a star with her. Woman looks amazing for 73, and she is bringing dignity to this show. How can the judges be mean? I double dog dare them to be. He partner looks like one of those seat fillers at the Emmy’s. Here I am complaining about dirty dishes or laundry and Valerie Harper is battling cancer and dancing her ass off. I still hate fucking laundry though.

Thanks shit the last dance pair and star; Snooki. I REFUSE to call her Nicole. I am not a fan of hers or the Jersey Shore. I do think she is entirely too skinny. I prefer her more period and booze bloaty and plump. The work Snooki IS synonymous with Queef (google that). Having said that, I do like her hair and footwork. She seems the most agile and spry (like Hurley from LOST) of the bunch.

So all in all its what I expected it to be. No surprise twists or anything. I’m most likely NOT going to watch it again. 2 hours is a bigger commitment than I give to Breaking Bad, and BB is pizza, puppies, chicken wings and casual sex.

Now a show I could get into because I’m so morbid is “Dancing with SARS”. ABC Call me.

Hugs and sloppy kisses.

Shelly

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Phil:

Our stalwart Editor-in-Chief has assigned the task of watching the season premiere of Dancing with the Stars to some of the Screensnark regulars who don’t watch this show. He’s hoping to get the fresh perspective of virgin viewers. Apparently, he wasn’t aware that the show ran opposite the East Coast broadcast of the Bengals-Steelers tilt.

It’s okay, Joel. I support your lifestyle.

In television taxonomy, Reality TV fits into two phyla—Competition-based and Confrontation-based. From my limited viewing, I believe the latter to consist largely of beautiful, vapid people saying mean things about one another from the safety of a confessional booth and scheming towards one-another’s demise. This does not command my attention in any way.

The former I find engaging, at least in concept. I love people who risk. Who do. Who recognize their limitations and work to defy them. I remember hearing an interview with Season Three Champion Emmitt Smith. Emmitt, a worn-out old tailback who is built like a fire hydrant, somehow managed to defeat the lithe and foppish Mario Lopez, who was by all accounts a ringer. Mario had every step on day one. Emmitt was a plodder. When asked to what he could attribute his victory over such a heavy favorite, Emmitt replied (paraphrasing), “I’m coachable. I approached this competition like every competition I’ve ever been in. I showed up every day and went to work. “

America voted Emmitt the winner not because of the finished product, but because of his growth throughout the competition. Adam Carolla has spoken frequently about his reasons for competing on the show. He says that he wanted to be scared. He wanted to put himself into a completely uncomfortable situation and see how he would react—see if he could work through it. Jazz hands and tedious judging segments aside, I think I can enjoy the competition of DWTS. And if I can stick with it, I imagine that the personal journeys will make for compelling story lines.

What I will need is a rooting interest.

The introduction moves pretty quickly. I recognize only Bill Nye, Keyshawn Johnson, Leah Remini, Elizabeth Berkley and the zaftig lass from Glee (later I learn her name is Amber Riley). Out of the box, I’m ruling out both Riley and Berkeley as potential rooting interests because they are ringers. Riley dances as part of her day job. And I’m more familiar with Berkeley as a dancer than I would admit to my mother, sister or wife. During the early interviews, I see that both Snooki and Jack Osborne are competing and rule them both out immediately. I’m not happy with DWTS serving as a recycling bin for Reality TV ‘stars’.

Keyshawn seems a likely choice, but is ruled out when he questions the instructions of his partner. Bill Engvall fits the mold, as well, but I can’t get past the in-dance facial expression. I’m left with Remini and Nye, both of whom I like. I think that I will be rooting for Nye. At least, for now. The scores from his premiere dance suggest that I will need to find a new favorite sooner rather than later.

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Joel:

Before I even watch this, in the spirit of the column, I’d feel remiss if I didn’t mention that there is a program on FOX called So You Think You Can Dance featuring amazingly beautiful and hungry dancers busting their ass every week. I mean, their routines are up against like, three other of their routines for choreographer Emmys every year, because the dancers on that show can be breathtaking. Yet it gets significantly lower ratings than Dancing With The Stars because America is clamoring to watch Keyshawn Johnson attempt the quickstep. It’s sad. Sigh. On with the shitshow…

-Well, that opening dance number was certainly ridiculous, but I do have to praise the cameraman who turned it into a Goodfellas steadycam shot.

-So…the Pretty Little Liars guy, couldn’t even tell you his name. What a “Star”.  Apparently his partner wants to fuck him. That’s real nice family entertainment right out of the gate. Uggh, do I have do judge their dancing? He was okay, I guess. I’ve seen way fucking worse.

-Speaking of the judges, how incredibly flaming gay is the little guy? Holy shit, this night is going to be so damn long.

-I forgot Jack Osborne was on. Consider him my favorite. I like him a lot. Fuck multiple sclerosis.

-Leah Remini looks about as excited to be there as I am to watch her be there. Why is she always so angry looking? What’s her deal?

-Outside of a few haphazard kicks she just stood there and let her poor partner dance all around her. I don’t know what these judges are smoking, but I’d like some. No, seriously. I’d like some. I am not nearly in enough of an altered state for this to entertain me.

-haha, I’m pretty sure Valerie Harper called Tom “Todd”

–Corbin Bleu looked pretty good, but he was in High School Musical, for fuck’s sake. He’s a ringer! I also expect Christina Milian to do well. when you bring in “stars” with extensive choreography training, doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose of what you’re trying to do here? don’t get me wrong, I’d rather watch a nice little hot dance number than some dead Leah Remini out there, but shit. Quit throwing ringers in there.

-Love Jack Osborne. He’s awesome, but holy shit, that was the fruitiest thing I’ve seen yet tonight. Ozzy’s “where the fuck am I” face is wondrous, though.

-Amber Riley. Had no earthly idea who this was. Glee? Another ringer? But she’s a hefty girl, so she’s got that handicap. She was pretty energetic out there for a big girl. Good job. I am going to need to watch The Departed after this is over.

-Elisabeth Berkley looks so excited. She looks so…so scared. God damn, couldn’t help myself. I bet every single one of you made that joke, didn’t you?

-Damn, I ain’t even going to front. I thought Elizabeth Berkley looked pretty great out there. Although any time I hear “Imagine” and it isn’t John Lennon, I want to kick somebody’s ass.

-Bill Nye’s dance partner is hot as fuck. Way to go, old timer.

-Woof. Bill Nye sucked ass. But it was endearing how hard he tried and no matter how bad, I will NEVER hate a Weird Science reference, even if it’s a cha cha. 10!

-Looks like Keyshawn had a case of the Leah Reminis. His partner busted ass all around him while he looked like a doofus. Keyshawn Johnson, I’ve never liked you. I do not like you in a box. I do not like you with a fox. I do not like you in a trance while you watch your partner dance.

-Is Jennifer Lopez there of her own accord?  Is she being paid?  They cut to her every 21 seconds.  As far as I know, she has no rooting interest in this.  The Osbornes in the front row make a lot of sense, but what the fuck are you doing there, J-Lo?  Which begs the question:  How much does being a “dancing star” pay?  Who gets the biggest payout?  Are they equal?  Who is the STAR star of this season?  Fuck, I need to stop asking questions and finish this shit.  I’ve got like four or five dancers left, god dammit.

-Christina Milian did well, as I predicted.  fuckin ringers, man.  Imagine how bad this show would be if they had “stars” out there like Honey Boo Boo’s thumb faced mom?

BA BA DA DA BA BA BAAAAAH BA BA DA DA DAHHHHHHH!  That little ditty is going to haunt my dreams for weeks.  I’ve only heard it 412 times tonight!

-Bill Engvall.  Fox Trot.  NOPE!

-Valerie Harper is so brave.  And so courageous.  am I the only one who openly sobbed?    zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

-Isn’t Snooki like the 3rd Jersey Shore cast member to do this show?  Did she seriously just ask her dance partner “What if I shit on the floor”?  Oh, this delightfully retarded little trashbag whore.

-Snooki was alright, I guess.  Is this fucking show over yet?  I feel like I’ve gone 12 rounds with Mike Tyson tonight.

-I can say with pretty much confidence that I will never watch this show again.  There’s better dance shows out there if I want to watch them.  I don’t need to watch Bills Nye and Engvall fail all over the place.  What the hell, America?  This?  Really?

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