DVR Demon is a column in which I run you through all the bullshit that happened to escape my DVR on any given day. I’m hardly ever current on any shows, so who knows what the fuck you’ll find in here. There might be an episode of the Office from two years ago down in the cracks.

Also, if you’re a dildo about spoilers, tread lightly

 

 

Jimmy Fallon “Ben Affleck; Mindy Kaling; The Pixies” Monologue was decent.  He goofed on Joe Flacco for missing the birth of his child so that he could play the fucking Browns.  Then came “Celebrity Whispers” which I always enjoy.  CELEBRITAAAAH!  Apparently Jodie Foster already thought of a lizard with a squirrel’s head.  She calls it a squirrzard.

 

Affleck was charming as usual.  They go into some funny stories from being on SNL together and talk about their kids, since Jimmy’s a new dad and he loves to talk about kids now.  Apparently, Affleck learned the intelligence difference between the sexes by watching his children.  His daughters build things and read books and love to learn and his son loves to run into walls.  A little talk about Batman and he says the internet community really seems super excited for him(sarcasm).  Then he starts promoting his new movie, Runner.  It looks like something completely up my alley.  Just great.  Especially when he drops a Boiler Room reference, which I love, and loved him in it.  He starts talking shit about Justin Timberlake and how having this guy around is flat out bad for your self esteem because there isn’t a single thing he can’t do.  “Who’s that draining half courters over there in a full suit?  Are you kidding me?!”

 

Mindy Kaling is out next.  I’ve been told I’m crazy, but i find her very alluring.  I am sexually attracted to Mindy Kaling.  90% of that is attitude and personality, but I’ll be damned if I don’t find her sexy as hell.  Well, that interview amounted to jack shit.  they talked about her nails for two minutes, She flirted with Questlove and showed a clip from The Mindy Project.  I usually don’t even watch the musical performances, but will start now.  I’ve been musically retarded for at least five years.  I fell into a depression a while back, and music just stopped mattering to me, but I was a huge Incubus, Queens Of The Stone Age and White Stripes fan, to give you a feel for my musical sensibilities.  But the Pixies are here tonight and they’re old as shit, so hey, at least it’s a band I’m cognizant of.  Do I like them?  No, no I do not.  They stunk up the stage with their “music”. Send hate mail to Joel c/o your mother.

 

 

The Real Housewives Of Miami S3E6  “A Ple-thora Of Lies”  Yep, I’ve decided to just start recording any old thing.  I wouldn’t want to alienate any potential Bravo viewers, although I probably will anyway because I don’t know 95% of the people on this channel and plan to rip them apart.  Okay, so two of these bitches, Adriana and Lea are not speaking over some bullshit article in the tabloids that Lea leaked out.  Adriana’s son is friends with Lea’s son and Lea’s son is having a birthday party and Adriana is pissed off that she is texting her son directly about it as opposed to speaking to her.  Adriana’s son RJ seems like a bright young 14 year old.  She walked in on the middle of him doing Chinese homework for crying out loud.  She addresses this issue and he seems to care about this drama even less than I do and I’m at a negative 9 already.  Three of the househusbands have a little meeting of the minds because they need to hash things out over some tweets that were sent calling each other’s wives whores.  They end up shaking hands and hugging and the ladies are flabbergasted that they could come to a solution so quickly.  Because men aren’t catty bitches, I guess.  What the fuck am I watching?  What am I typing?  Why are these shows so popular?

 

 

Oooooh, Joanna Krupa’s in this.  she’s hot and I know her.  So I guess it isn’t all bad.  She’s planning a wedding and is kinda pissy that her sister, the maid of honor, hasn’t dropped everything in her life to help her more.  These women are so entitled and it makes me angry.  Who the fuck do you think you are?  You aren’t celebrities.  You have no jobs.  Except being a Real Housewife.  Slow your role, ladies.  So far, in this episode at least, my favorite is Lisa.  She’s married to one of the best plastic surgeons in the country.  He’s of Russian descent.  His super Russian parents are staying with them for a week and are just mean and shitty towards her always.  Probably because she’s a Real Housewife.  But I actually felt sympathetic towards her, because her mother in-law was a megabitch from everything I’ve seen up until now.  I’m sure many of you can relate to this story arc.  Picture your in-laws coming to stay for a week.  You cringed a bit, didn’t ya?

 

So Joanna recruits Lea and Lisa to fly to LA with her for wedding stuff in lieu of her sister.  GIRLS TRIP!  Jesus Christ.  They all said it so enthusiastically that it made me think all these bitches do is vacation and drink and gossip.  seriously, there was a whole segment of them just drinking and reading the tabloids about themselves and talking mad shit.  I don’t think there’s been a scene in this show where drinks were not in hand, and what the fuck, Adriana is planning her wedding, too.  Do the producers know what a housewife is?  The Real Alcoholic Whores Of Miami would seem more appropriate.

 

So Lea and her son RJ are planning his birthday party.  This is one strange little guy.  He’s like 12 years old and fruity as can be.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  I’m not gonna put a little kid on blast.  He reminds me of my nephew, Kohl, except he might be into dudes.  So what does he want for his birthday?  An orchestra, top hats and war games.  hahaha, who the fuck are these people?  It really shows the guy in me that I’m watching the kids running around shooting airsoft guns at each other in the background of these whores cackling.  My nephews Tim and Alex have like a million of those guns, from pistols to uzis to assault rifles to sniper rifles.  God damn.  Have you ever been shot by one?  Even from fifty feet away, those things hurt like a son of a bitch.  Every holiday gathering, they’d coax me and coax me to play and then twenty minutes later, I’m yelling “You motherfucker!” at my grade school nephews.  Uncle of the year right here.

 

 

Interior Therapy With Jeff Lewis S2E6 “Odd Couple”  Outside of Top Chef, this is the one Bravo show that I actually watch.  well, and Flipping Out With Jeff Lewis.  Mainly because Jeff Lewis is a straight up looney toons dictator asshole and he’s hilariously entertaining.  In this show, Jeff and his assistant, Jenni move in with a couple(who are usually batshit crazy themselves) for a few days and redecorates one room in their house, fighting tooth and nail the whole time.  We love Jenni, though.  She’s great.  She’s the one shining beacon of light that surrounds this demonic man.  Tonight’s clients are Brian and Crystal.  She’s super controlling and the house is girly as all hell, so the way Brian tries to reclaim his domain is by leaving his shit everywhere. Clothes, beer cans, sports equipment, just littered all over.  Jeff is pretty disgusted, as is Jenni by the beer can on the toilet tank.  Oh, get over yourself, Jenni.  Like you’ve never pounded a beer while pinching one off.

 

Jeff starts to realize that Crystal is the problem and not Brian.  As they enter his man cave and he wants to get rid of some giant flower she put in there, she won’t budge an inch.  It’s the fucking  “MAN CAVE”.  There are no flowers in the man cave!  And Jeff decides that the room they’ll be tackling is the living room.  Brian is being cooperative and letting Jeff and Jenni take most anything out of there  while Crystal fights him on every item.  Jeff concludes that he could put a big screen up with three couches and a beer cooler and Brian would be a pig in shit.  He’s got his work cut out for him to find a middle ground here.  Brian and Crystal fight this whole time and it’s making everyone uncomfortable.

 

So the furniture shopping trip was an epic disaster.  90 percent of the things Crystal picked out were the same shit that they just removed from the house, and whenever Brian said he didn’t like it, she would shame him.  “Not everything is about comfort!”  With furniture, that’s pretty much my number one concern.  I don’t care how beautiful a couch is if it fucking hurts to sit there.  Jeff calls her out on it and she walks away crying and Brian runs after to console her.  damn, I am having sympathy pains for this guy.  Brian is my dude right now.  He needs a hug.

 

They go on their mandatory hotel stay while the house is being worked on and had a nice little talk about button pushing and boundaries.  see if that lasts more than five days.  They return to the house and, as in every episode of this show, they are astonished and absolutely love it.  Brian got his comfy seats and Crystal got her torture couch.  win win.  The couple is smiling and happy, and as Jeff hilariously notices “This is the first time that I think they’ve liked each other”

 

 

*Blast From The Past* Brothers And Sisters E4S3 “Almost Normal”  This is the season where Kitty has cancer and at this point only her mother and husband know about it, and are fighting like dogs about her treatment options.  Robert wants to fly her across the country to Boston where amazing doctors await.  Nora has been adorably researching Web MD and seems to know the best course of action.  Obviously, she just doesn’t want her sick daughter all the way across the country away from her whole family and Robert won’t be able to be 100 percent attentive because he’s running for governor.  Got it?

 

Robert’s opponent finds out and has a meeting with Kevin and spills the beans.  Kevin rushes to Kitty’s house to let her know the shit that he just heard and Kitty lets him know the truth.  Now enough people know that she has Nora arrange a family dinner to tell the whole family.  It was a great, touching scene.  This show was kind of an unsung hero.  It never got much attention, but it quietly ran for five seasons after Desperate Housewives.  I liked it a lot.  The cast is tremendous: Sally Field, Ron Rifkin, Calista Flockhart, Rob Lowe and Matthew Rhys(who many are now aware of due to his excellent work on FX’s The Americans).  If you haven’t seen it, I would recommend checking it out on netflix or DVD.  If you like Parenthood, you’ll probably like B&S.

 

Justin is taking a Gross Anatomy course and his lab partner is a little 16 year old genius.  I was gonna make a Doogie Howser joke and then he said “no Doogie Howser jokes.”  Fuck you, don’t tell me what to do!  Robert and Nora have a sit down and decide they’ve been out of hand with each other and making it about them, but Kitty’s the one with cancer and she might need to go to Boston for this clinical trial.  Nora says if that’s the case then she’ll go with her in a heartbeat, and Robert says “You need to tell her that because she needs you in many ways much more than she needs me”  All of this may sound pretty boring, but the great cast makes it powerful stuff.  In the end, Kitty decides to get treatment at home and move in with her mom during the whole ordeal.  Good meals, free child care, Robert can still run his campaign. win win win.  I’d forgotten how much I enjoyed this show.  And this storyline.  I may actually watch a couple more episodes tonight.  There’s good television out there, folks.  Watch it.  support it.  I realize I just talked about two Bravo shitshows, so I’m part of the problem, but I almost always watch the really good stuff, too. Promise.

 

 

DVR Demon.  I watched this shit.  Now you don’t have to.