In Westeros, you’re no one if you haven’t almost been raped.  At this point, the almost raped/successfully raped camp may outnumber those who have managed to avoid the “rape as a plot device” trick.  Counting up those involved in a rape scenario (including rapers and rapees) Sansa, Cersei, Jaime, Brienne in most episodes she appears in, Ros, Osha, Dany, Drogo, all of Craster’s wives, several members of the Night’s Watch, The Mountain’s crew, I’m sure Ramsey Snow threatened to rape Theon at some point, didn’t Bran almost get raped, along with Jojen and Meera, the Hound probably raped someone at some point?  I get it, rape is prevalent in Westeros.  But even the most offensive of plot devices loses its impact at some point.  I’m hoping “fuck ‘em til they’re dead” is the last of it, because at this point, I’ll be completely shocked when someone takes someone else captive and DOESN’T threaten to rape them.

Speaking of rapers, I WANT JAIME LANNISTER’S LEATHER JACKET.  The problem is that there’s no way I could pull off that look.  In fact, I have no idea how HE manages to pull off a leather motorcycle jacket in a medieval-esque fantasy world where there are no motorcycles and no evidence of any other jackets.  Maybe you just have to have that “yes, I’d rape my twin sister in a church three feet away from the corpse of my king son born of incest” attitude to rock a jacket that by all other worldly logic should not physically exist.

Dany is well on her way to freeing every slave, that has ever lived, ever.  MINOR SPOILER: All of this slave freeing drags on for months or years in the books, and happens MUCH later than the current show chronology.  So very soon, I will have no idea what is going to happen with Dany, which is extremely exciting.  She has literally run out of slaving cities to conquer.  Also, wouldn’t it have been fantastic if Daenerys Targaryen would have marched across the southeastern US in 1863 with an army of vicious eunuchs, a crew of dirty sellswords, and a trio of pre-teen dragons, leaving a path of fire, destruction, and symbolically crucified slave owners in her wake?  Would have been my favorite part of 11th grade American History, although Reconstruction and and the Teapot Dome scandal may not have been as exciting.

Finally this week, FUCKING CRAZY ASS UNDEAD BABY STEALING ICE KING ZOMBIES.  What happens to Walking Dead when a crazier show comes along that can show anything, have its characters say anything, and is actually really good, AND ALSO HAS ZOMBIES?!?!?  It’ll be like watching The Americans, then trying to go back and trying to watch Homeland.  As far as this episode goes, I understand that they have to remind us every now and then that yes, there are far worse things out there than the Hound’s table manners, or lengthy discussions with Lady Olenna Tyrell’s prowess in the bedroom, or Joffrey.  But I also believe that only seeing hints of these badass ice demons known as the Others is far more effective than actually being formally introduced to one.  And this episode was directed by the fantastic Michelle MacClaren, who also directed most of the best Breaking Bad episodes.  If I was her, I would have gone back for a re-write, to leave us with more zombie mystery to be revealed in bits in pieces.

8/10 Cockblocking Kittens

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Yes, yes, yes, you can look anywhere for a review of “Breaker of Chains”, the latest fantastic installment of Game of Thrones.  If you really want a great review, why not go to Grantland and read Andy Greenwald’s fantastic piece, the depth of which rivals the show itself.

Instead, I’d like to wax poetic about the screen presence of Aidan Gillen as Lord Petyr Baelish, AKA Littlefinger.  Having known the machinations behind the Purple Wedding for around four years now, I knew ahead of time that Littlefinger had a large part to play, but he would likely be left out of the episodes leading up to Joffrey’s graphic curtain call.  But then Littlefinger gets to lead off ep 3 by showing just how much he is running shit in Westeros.  To recap:

1. Littlefinger manipulated Ned Stark into making a play for the Iron Throne that he could not possibly have won, costing Ned his head
2. Littlefinger arranged the Tyrell/Lannister alliance that allowed Tywin and the Knight of Flowers to save King’s Landing
3. Littlefinger arranged the engagement of Joffrey and Margery, further forging the Tyrell/Lannister alliance
4. Littlefinger played some role in the poisoning and murder of Joffrey without being anywhere near the wedding where it took place
5. Littlefinger has secretly kidnapped/rescued Sansa Stark, the perceived heir of Winterfell (at least while Bran is off talking to trees)
6. Littlefinger began life as the lowliest of lords, and is now Lord of Harrenhal and appointed Lord Paramount of the Riverlands, an honor previously held by the Tullys for generations

Littlefinger is running shit in Westeros.  As much as the Tywins and Cerseis might think they are running shit in Westeros, nobody else has the back of Littlefinger’s baseball card.

And without the precise character notes brought to the screen by Aidan Gillen, the character would run the risk of being a hollow parody of hundreds of characters that preceded Petyr Baelish.  It’s the real genius of the SHOW Game of Thrones, as opposed to GRRM’s A Song of Ice and Fire.  Creators Weiss and Benioff were smart enough to realize from the outset that adapted smartly and shot conservatively and creatively, the source material was going to be a grand slam.  What was going to be critical to set the show apart from anything else was constantly perfect casting choices, to the point that multiple characters have had the actors playing them changed (Tommen and Daario have changed once each, and The Mountain has been played by THREE DIFFERENT GIANT DUDES).

But Aidan Gillen from the outset has shown a complete understanding of the complexity of Littlefinger’s motivations.  Baelish’s ambition is unrivaled, but it’s an ambition originally born of jealousy and then honed for years into drive, purpose, and above all precision and adaptability.  Cat Stark gets her throat cut?  Why not try to fuck her daughter, who happens to be heir to one of the oldest and most powerful houses on the continent.  And how does he take possession of her?  He knows Sansa LOVES her romantic tales of heroic knights saving the day, so he sends one.  Then he has him offed with crossbow bolts.  Gillen plays Littlefinger with the ultimate self-confidence, which is the only way to play the damn game of thrones.  To Gillen/Littlefinger, it’s not IF he will become king, it’s when.  It’s like Gillen is playing Lord Baelish as if he already is the king, but the rest of the continent just hasn’t realized it yet, so he’s going to keep taking steps to make sure that they come to grips with the fact.  And that’s the only way to play Lord Petyr Baelish, and Aidan Gillen is perfect for it.

And oh, let’s see, where before have I seen Aidan Gillen playing an ambitious and ruthless young politician hellbent on grabbing as much power as he can?  Oh that’s right, Tommy Motherfucking Carcetti.  Oh yeah, and the dude standing next to him sells ribs to Frank Underwood.

Aidan Gillen, an integral part of two of the best seasons of the best show that’s ever been on television, and now an integral part of GoT, which is a potential GOAT when it’s all said an done.  Okay, okay, maybe the first and second seasons of The Wire are better than seasons 3 and 4, but only slightly.  What, you people still haven’t watched The Fucking Wire?  QUIT WASTING TIME, WATCH THE FUCKING WIRE.  Littlefinger is on it, and he’s AWESOME.

Non-spoiler speculation here (yes I’ve read the books but I have no idea where Littlefinger’s ultimate future lies): I think Littlefinger does manage to rule all of Westeros before the end of the epic.  And if the Game of Thrones was just about seizing and holding political power with a vicious blackout-inducing stranglehold, then Littlefinger might just be the winner.  But in the political game of thrones, how to account for dragons?  Or zombies?  Or ice demons?  Or r’hllor, the red fire god?  Or the Great Other?  In the end, I think there will be pieces on the GoT chessboard that even a merciless and power-hungry politician can’t account for.  But perhaps a taste of ultimate power will be enough to satisfy Littlefinger before his demise?

10/10 Little Fingers

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Alas, His Grace Joffrey Baratheon, the First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm has left us all too soon.

Or more precisely, Jack Gleeson, who portrayed Joffrey with unbelievable smarm and hearty helpings of unearned hubris and arrogance, combined with a viciousness only an irreparably damaged teenager is capable of, has left us too soon.  That is, if his “threat” to leave acting altogether comes to pass.  While his detestation for the trappings of celebrity and fame are completely understandable, it’s still difficult to see a public figure leave a calling that they have so obviously mastered at a young age.  Joffrey rightfully belongs on the short list of The Most Hated Villains in the History of Television.  And while some of the credit for that undoubtedly goes to GRRM for creating such an imminently hateable character, the on-screen execution of Joff the Awful could have strayed in any of several directions that might have turned the character into a caricature.

Instead Gleeson added depth where there could have only been shallowness, which could have had the effect of making Joffrey relatable, but instead only served to make him THAT MUCH MORE FUCKING AWFUL.  Popular villains are often referred to as “characters we love to hate”, but Joffrey went a step further, because when he came on screen the emotional tone was immediately established as petty and desperately jealous.  Gleeson played Joffrey as constantly being in on some inside joke that he thought everyone else was aware of, but which didn’t actually exist.  And being able to capture that exact level of deep seeded character flaw EVERY TIME HE WAS ON SCREEN is a precision worthy of at least a supporting actor nomination.

In the end, Joffrey’s essential Lannister qualities were on full display, even if they didn’t coincide with any of the other Lannisters.  Jaime and Cersei couldn’t have been proud of their son, Tywin couldn’t have been thrilled about his constant lack of discipline, and obviously Tyrion had a few problems with Joff’s behavior.  But Joff was just being Joff, so deal with it.  Hats off to a fantastic performance, I’m truly sad to see the sadistic little fucker go.

The obvious question is, who poisoned him?  I have insight that I will not share, but I will say that the sequence was filmed well enough to provide clues without giving away the mystery.  Mysteries have been lacking thus far in Westeros, other than the long term kind that most of the audience have forgotten are even still mysteries.  I can’t see this one playing out over multiple seasons like the poisoning of Jon Arryn (all non-book readers collectively: “who the fuck is Jon Arryn?), but I do hope that we get a couple episodes of misdirection before the culprit(s?) is revealed.

Elsewhere, we get a quick check in with the Boltons and Theon (Ramsey still a crazy fuck, Theon still lacking a dick), Bran/Meera/Jojen and HODOR HODOR HODOR (back to nothing really happening) and Stannis (Red Woman still burning people).  It was a no Dany episode, but Dany’s off twiddling her dragon thumbs doing boring shit like freeing slaves.  But as a whole, the subplots were nicely subdued in order to clear the floor for Joff’s swan song, which I appreciated.

I love this show.  I can’t understand how I can live without it for nine months a year.  I never want it to end.  Please don’t end ever, GoT.  Please.

9/10 Vicious Blows from Widow’s Wail (lol Widow’s Wail)

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Review?

Who am I kidding.

Anything I write about this show could hardly be considered an unbiased review.  Game of Thrones had me at hello.  More appropriately, Game of Thrones had me at Hell, yo.

The question that I can’t quite wrap my head around is, how can the show always be so damn good?  Other shows cannot take a brand new character like Oberyn Martel, drop him in the first few scenes of the season four premier, and have it click like it was nothing.  Other shows can’t leave out major characters like Littlefinger, Varys, and the Bran/Jojen/Meera/Hodor party of entire episodes and hum along without the audience revolting.  Other shows could never get away with having 75-100 relevant cast members without the writers completely losing any semblance of direction.  This shit just should not work.

And yet it’s probably the very ballsy arrogance of the Weiss/Benioff + Martin triumvirate that makes something that on it’s surface should be impossible succeed.  Where other shows like Agents of SHIELD go out of their way to spell out every plot twist like the audience is made up of second and third graders with a few pre-schoolers thrown in, GoT just assumes that every last one of its viewers is able to keep up with the pace, and if they can’t, too fucking bad for them.  AND THERE’S AWESOME ASS MOTHERFUCKING DRAGONS.

The “back in my day” attitude definitely has a fair share of fallacy to it, but I think there used to be more of an attitude in various artistic mediums that if the audience didn’t appreciate the art, then fuck the audience.  Mainstream music, film, and television have all been steered over the past decade toward the position that the art should cater to the masses rather than the masses flocking to the art.  And that leads to Adam Sandler movies, Justin fucking Bieber, and NCIS.

With GoT, instead we have a fantasy epic with a giant budget, a fantastic cast, and no fear whatsoever.

I watched the premier, and I don’t remember one character getting more than 10 minutes of screentime.  But in that episode, I got the following:

Oberyn Martell: Badass motherfucker, bi-sexual from Dorne who takes no shit and hates him some fucking Lannisters.

Tyrion: Lost any sense of control in his life, disappoints everyone, just can’t win.

Sansa: Completely devastated by the Red Wedding.  I think we all are, sweetheart!

The Hound: Loves him some motherfucking chicken.  Do not fuck with the Hound’s chicken.

Arya: Finally a Stark got some revenge! Even if it was killing some throw away fuck like Polliver.

Jon Snow: Jon is the manningest man that has ever manned the Wall.  And Maester Aemon, that is one kickass 100 year old.  Does anyone realize that he’s basically Dany’s great-great uncle?

Dany: Guess what, all the dudes want to fuck Dany, and Ser Jorah is Friend-Zoned for life!

And they still found time to squeeze in Jaime, Cersei, Brienne, some Tyrells, and some cannibalistic wildlings with crazy ass intentional facial scarring!!!

This isn’t really fair, because I’m a devoted book reader, and I’m one of those assholes that know the three main crazy what the fuck things that are going to happen this season.  The great thing is, I have no idea when they’re coming.  With the Battle of the Blackwater, Ned’s beheading, and the Red Wedding, I knew when shit was going down.  But viewer beware, there are DEFINITELY at least three events that will happen this season that will bring the OH HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT NO WAY.  Wait, no, that will happen at least four times, I forgot one.

I can’t wait like Bart Scott.  By the end of this series, GoT might very well be the GoaT.

10/10 Roasted Chickens

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