A Screensnark Expose: Hospital Television

I am a television connoisseur and for reasons I’d rather not delve into at the moment, I’ve become quite a hospital connoisseur as well.  I’ve spent probably close to 4 months of real time in a hospital bed since February 2012, including 8 days recently(sorry, Wheel of TV shall return shortly).  I can’t handle being a TV lover laid up in a hospital bed.  It’s completely brutal, you guys.  My time is spent getting antibiotics, poked with needles over and over again, or waiting to be carted off for X-Rays, Ultrasounds, MRIs or whatever other scans they can think up.  Give me something to watch!

A surgeon told me that a night’s hospital stay is roughly 2000 dollars.  Can you add a fraction of a cent to each bill to give me a few more channels.  I got some cable channels, so I know that at the least you can give me expanded basic cable, you fuckers!  Maybe they want to leave out the channels with questionable content for the old ones, in which case, they should really be aware of what airs on Cartoon Network after dark. So in addition to all the local affiliates, the channels I received were:

ESPN: I watched this daily, so no complaints

Discovery: A few years ago, maybe.  But I was in the hospital for 8 days and can’t remember flipping across it once where it wasn’t showcasing gold miners.

Nickelodeon: Due to lack of options, I found out that Spongebob Squarepants is a nifty little cartoon.  Nothing I’d watch at home, but in there, sure.  I also utilized Nick at Nite about every night.  Friends reruns and Full House reruns galore.

Animal Planet: Like Discovery, a few years ago, maybe.  but there wasn’t one nice little National Geographic style documentary the whole week.  It was all swampass people or pit bulls and parolees.  No thanks.

Cartoon Network: I utilized this mainly for its Adult Swim lineup and Family Guy and King Of The Hill reruns

CNN: Of course.  Totally understandable, but I hate cable news. And Piers Morgan.  Fuck Piers Morgan.

TBS: Got plenty of use out of this, because all they air is sitcom reruns and Conan. As well as the pure luck of being hospitalized during the MLB playoffs.

TNT: The elders must watch this a lot as it’s the 24/7 procedural network.  Ever want to watch every episode of Castle ever, in a row?  They got you.

TV Land: Can’t say this went unwatched at all.  Roseanne, Raymond, King of Queens, Friends, and That 70′s Show kept me happy enough

If I could add just five channels to this lineup to make my personal stay much more hospitable(without even dipping into premium channels, mind you), I would take Comedy Central, FX, Food Network, AMC, and Travel Channel.  Hell, replace FX with FXX(Parks and Rec, Spin City and Arrested Development reruns for days!)  Also, ditch Animal Planet for Nat Geo Wild in a second.  I could probably manage on just these few channels alone.  You do nothing for me, TNT!

Being hospitalized for anything is horrible.  They could do a little more to make my stay more pleasurable.  Because don’t even get me started on the food!

  • noman

    3rd world countries have Comedy Central.