Guilty Watches: Gigolos

Just a forewarning, this article is going to be graphic.  It’s about a show that involves middlecore fucking.  Gigolos is a half hour program on Showtime about 5 different gigolos around the Las Vegas area.  An extremely simple premise that within that one sentence should tell you why this is a guilty watch. Just some dudes fucking for cash.  The cast is made up of Brace, a probably mid to late 40 year old man that tans excessively and bleaches his hair to look like some sort of leathery beach bum that missed out on 30 years of maturing.  Nick Hawk, a beefcake whose body is so consumed by tattoos that he’s dangerously close to permanently covering himself in blackface.  Vin, who might have named himself after Vin Diesel as he looks somewhat like a version of Diesel with slight down’s syndrome.  Ash, a darker skinned gigolo with long flowing hair straight off the cover of every shitty romance novel ever.  Lastly there’s Bradley, the newest Gigolo out of the group who thus far into the series appears to be one of the most normal.

Now into it’s 5th season I feel as if I have a pretty good grasp of the gigolos’ styles.  Vin, as he claims in the show’s intro, is the “feminist” of the group.  As such he’s one of the more caring, giving gigolos.  A normal Vin date will consist of him effectively making the woman feel interesting, beautiful, and safe to be themselves.  Then jump cut and he almost always starts the sexual encounters by eating out the client followed by your average sex stuff.  Ash is all about spirituality and will go on for some length about the lady’s inner beauty.  He’s the yoga guy, so yeah.  He will find an assortment of interesting positions and seems to be very in tune with the woman’s pleasure.  Bradley, being the new guy, is harder to pinpoint his exact technique.  He seems to be about having fun, being a former small town guy and marine, it’s a way for him to unwind.  Emotionally he also seems to be on the Vin and Ash line of getting in touch with his client’s feelings.  Then there’s Brace.  Brace is a lot of viewer’s favorite gigolo.  He isn’t extremely bright and mostly only cares about Brace.  Emotionally he’s all about himself and what he’s getting out of any situation.  When he’s having sex with a woman, he thinks he’s giving her the best gift god put on this earth.  Finally there’s Nick Hawk.  Nick is definitely the most aggressive of the gigolos.  My friend and I refer to him as Nick COCK, because that’s how he spits out his name.  He’s just a roided out guy with tattoos on his dick who could give a fuck about anybody.  If a woman pays him, sure, he’ll fuck them.  He seems pretty distant, and doesn’t do much besides the fucking.  If he indulges a fantasy, he’ll do it in his own way that’s probably not what the client wanted.  Both Brace and Nick are terrible when it comes to connecting with women on a level beyond fucking.  They just show up and are like, “Alright you got the money?  Alright, you may suck my dick now”.  They all consistently claim that the job entails more than sexual intercourse, but Brace and Nick are too into themselves to truly connect with a woman.

I watched two recent episodes so I could do a quick recap and maybe give you an idea of what the show is.  The first episode’s first segment is a pretty straightforward sex meet with Vin and a lady.  She’s a sex coach of some kind, and has Vin attach a chin dildo to his face.  How humiliating, there’s absolutely no way to rock a chin dildo that approaches dignified.  I suppose the lure of the chin dildo is that you can fuck the chick with your chin while licking the top of her vagina.  But if you’re sliding your chin in and out of her pussy, can you really effectively lick what you’re supposed to?  I think with the movement of the head combined with trying to use your tongue in a specific way would cause a major headache.  Otherwise if you’re just doing the eating out part, then you would be leaving the dildo sitting in her snatch like a lifeless dong, simulating sex with John Wayne Bobbitt post cut.  You might as well just shove a cucumber up there and go to town.  How about a vibrating chin dildo?  That could work.  I’m positive that already exists though.  Do people like Bruce Campbell ever just use their god given enhanced chins to fuck girls?  Burning questions here on Screensnark.  Anyhow, Vin isn’t having the chin dildo and he puts a stop to it pretty quick.  Then normal sex and yadda yadda yadda.  Then we go to one of the show’s “touching” stories.  These occur fairly regularly wherein a girl who doesn’t find herself attractive, or a girl who’s gone through rough times tells their story and then get reinvigorated on life with a generous helping of gigolo dick.  This is one of the former, a client who doesn’t feel pretty because she’s middle aged and her eyes are kind of wonky.  Still, she has a banging body for her age and I would personally have sex with her.  That’s not saying much though, as I would have sex with MOST things.  Anyways, the gigolo chosen to help bolster her confidence is Brace.  An odd choice, usually they go with Vin for these types of dates.  They go to a photo session where she has her makeup done and takes flattering shots.  Brace doesn’t really try to connect with her in any way, as he just repeats how beautiful she is ad nauseum before jackhammer fucking her.  He spouts some nonsense about her vibe without any real conviction beyond “I’m getting paid to say these things”.  Finally Nick Hawk dresses like a cop for a new client with a cop fetish, complete with fake mustache.  He then drives around until he sees the client and pulls her over, arresting her, and taking her to a hotel for….cop sex.  Definitely a corrupt cop.  Couldn’t he get in trouble impersonating an officer in public like that?  It was a new client too, what if he pulled over the wrong lady in the same car and pulled that stunt?  I imagine there would be repercussions.  Nick Hawk has many sex toys available for purchase, and he uses this opportunity to promote his Nick Hawk keyless handcuffs.  The second episode I watched wasn’t focused so much on the dates as it was a rap battle between Nick Hawk and Vin.  Nick fancies himself a rapper, some of which we’ve seen in past episodes, and it isn’t pretty.  Vin is critical of Nick for his lack of talent and because of his whiteness.  Vin himself isn’t really black, but I guess he does identify as an African American.  I can’t in good conscience call him black however as he’s lighter in complexion than Mario Lopez.  The dates start off with Vin fucking a strange lady in a room chock full of balloons popping everywhere.  Pretty standard fare really.  Bradley banging a tomboy lady after hitting some balls in a batting cage.  I swear they just included this segment so they could put, “Bradley gets ballsy on a date” in the episode description.  I don’t even recall the last date, and I watched the episode like an hour ago.  If I was more professional I might have written this shit shit down, but alas.  Finally we get to the rap battle, and Vin beats Nick Hawk pretty easily.  Nick doesn’t have any flow to speak of, just says things that vaguely rhyme.  Vin admits in the episode that he was in a rap group when he was 15 years old, so I guess he’s got years of experience working for him.

The appeal of the show, at least for me, is because it’s hilarious.  Vin’s probably the most likeable gigolo in the group, but Brace is definitely the star.  His half baked philosophies are so simplistic and amazing.  If Brace had a podcast I would start listening to podcasts.  Hilariously when I pitched this article to my friend who watches this show he initially claimed that he didn’t think this show was necessarily a guilty watch.  Then he watched an episode that had, among other things, a lady putting makeup on Nick Hawk’s swinging dick to cover up his dong ink.  My friend was then able to admit that yes, this probably isn’t the type of show you tell your mother you watch.  Now, like most other reality shows in existence, the legitimacy of the accuracy of the events depicted within the program is certainly questionable.  In fact sometimes it’s painfully obvious that things like this would never happen in real life.  That’s par for the course, unfortunately, of “reality” television so you take it with a grain of salt.  At least it isn’t HGTV where it’s staged people looking at houses, or some other mundane bullshit.  If the program is fake, at least the nudity is totally real.  Some of the tits you see might be fake, but if you’re like me, you never REALLY get tired of seeing different ladies shed their clothing.  So, if you can stomach corniness, naked women, and a fair share of penis, and want a laugh I would recommend Gigolos any day.

  • Rob

    Unrelated yet related: did you see the last Kroll Show with the Gigolos skit? I love Jason Mantzoukas.

    • Cameron

      Yeah, I need my Rafi fix now that he’s dead on The League. This season of The Kroll Show has been surprisingly tight. The only sketch that hasn’t really connected with me is the college food card whatever in the last episode.