Woke up to the good ‘ol reliable blood draw at fucking 4AM.  Gotta have that hemo by the time the Mercedes roll in.  Then what the fuck do I do?  I’m wide awake now.  At 4, we’ve got ‘lil ‘lil kids programming, a mess of paid programming, old Married with Children episodes that don’t hold up or Full House episodes that never held up.  Sportscenter and ESPN it is.  Oh, shit.  Derek Jeter’s retiring.  Maybe I’ll lay off of ESPN for a year then.

My doctor, nurses and case manager come in and FUCK! I hate this doctor.  He doesn’t believe in pain killers.  My last doc gave me 2mg of Dilaudid every two hours.  This doc gives me .5mg every six hours with a Norco(pretty much a yellow skittle to me) every few hours.  I’m currently cramming as much shit down my piehole as I can, knowing that in about an hour, I won’t even be able to have even as much as a sip of water as I have surgery set for the morning for my fifth amputation!(I’ve since had one more)

I’m supposed to take a shit for this nice pretty lady, but so far all I can muster are some blaring loud dry farts.  She just woke me up from a deep doze, scaring the hell out of me asking me where my poop was.  Perhaps this is good, because the last time a nurse asked for my poop, it was because I had the Norovirus and I gave that chick some shit and then some.  But I guess I’m sort of burying the lede here;  Getting big toe #2 amputated tomorrow and I’m pretty fucking bummed out about it.  I just wish I could help every one of my friends and family before I did this.  Morbid, but I would gladly sacrifice myself for their happiness.  I’m just getting grumpier with every toe I lose.  Sooner or later a foot?  A leg?  But not yet, you fuckers!

P.S. My therapist called and said she’d stop by tomorrow with some food and support, so that’s nice to have!  Thanks, girl!

Sigh, until an eventful tomorrow.

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2.  This is pretty much just a journal I kept during one of my stays to goof on what it’s like dealing with being there, the people and of course, the shit TV.  Anything written by present day me will be in parentheses.  I’ve been hospitalized 6 more times since I wrote this.  Which is probably why you haven’t seen me around as much lately.  Deep depression.  Let’s try and pull myself out of that, shall we?

3. The following took place in February 2014

4. That was my Jack Bauer impression.

Feb 12

On the way to wound care, my gut was gurgling.The past two weeks, I had sworn I was going to be hospitalized and was spared.  This time was not to be as the prior two evenings I had found a complete lack of balance as if I were my mother after several vodka tonics.  I’d fallen down twice as if I were hammered, though the only beverages I’d consumed that day were white cherry Powerade and some Coke.  So I wasn’t blitzed.  I have severe neuropathy(look it up) and open wounds on both feet complete with amputation non kung fu grip.  I have never ever stumbled around like this under no influence of drugs or alcohol, so it was a bit disconcerting heading to wound care.  Scotty and Mark both had looks of concern on their faces as I meandered back there.  “You all right there, Joel?”  “Yeah, you don’t look so great” They removed the gauze from my feet and began to inspect and go to work on the damage.  I couldn’t begin to tell you what they said after that as I was clenching my fists to distract from the pain.

I began to put my shoes back on when Mark stopped me, and they pulled in a fucking wheelchair, only the second time they’d ever done that.  I was frightened.  I was so focused on wanting to trade all of my good parts to my father, who is battling pneumonia, and my friend’s and my own severe depression, which leaves me just falling the fuck apart.  Emotionally, physically and spiritually.  Last night, my legs began to act as if I was playing the fucking lava game.  I was stepping very far and erratically and frankly was scaring the hell out of myself.  I took a shoulder to my dresser just trying to turn out the lights.  Ow.  And then bringing mail to the mailbox, a branch hit my head causing me to spin out and react like it was the fucking Viet Cong.  So I ran full boar about five and a half feet in the other direction, only to about flip over a gaurdrail.  What the fuck?  This is a very recent and hopefully temporary development, because falling down for no reason is for saps, and frankly I’m over it.

So Mark wheels me over to the ER and I go through triage, X Rays, blood tests, etc. The whole rigamorole(Frankly they should fast track me in at this point.  I’ve been to the ER 25 times.  I’ve stayed there 25 times.)  Almost every single worker knows me by name, no hyperbole.  This is my 19th hospitalization in almost exactly two years.  You’d think they’d have figured this shit out by now.  My loyal, faithful, loving father is wheeling me back to the ER and I would give my left nut not to have to deal with his youngest son like this.  It should be vice versa.  I feel awful about it, but he has truly been a godsend throughout all this.

I am also what’s known as a “tough stick”, which basically boils down to the nurses and interns treating me like a pincushion until they draw blood, which on me, is as hard as striking oil.Since I just had an IV site inserted, but not yet a pain shot or any antibiotics. my awesome dad goes out to grab me some Taco Bell, my choice of smuggled in food since I can use their myriad of sauces to make their eggs taste less like watery butthole.  And whilst he was out, I got my pain hookup, like literally seconds before he came back in, because I was high as hell(haha, my handwriting takes a pretty steep drop here) and wanted a beefy five layer burrito STAT!

After it was revealed that I would be admitted, Dad left, which is always a sad moment for me, because then I’m truly alone.  It coincided rather perfectly this time, because transportation showed up just as he was leaving.  Transportation, for those not in the know, are big buff bros or ladies in NY Giants blue scrubs that bolt patients to their destinations while they talk sports with you.  The Patriots fans are my favorite to talk shit to.

We arrive at my room, and as per usual, it’s a rain of “Joel!” “Hey good lookin!” “Well if it isn’t our favorite patient!” You get the gist. (I was high.  This may or may not be an exaggeration)  This time around, I wasn’t really to bear weight on either foot, so big buff transport kind of just heaves me from one bed to the other, with no regard for my ballsack.  OW.  A random nurse comes in to take vitals and ask me the same dumbass questionairre that they always do.  In short, no I am not diabetic, Yes I have all the ailments that would suggest otherwise.

Fell asleep wishing death and darkness but Craig Ferguson was on, so it was a smidge difficult.

Stay tuned for more hospital diaries!

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Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that I LOVE the Shield.  Because I’ve gotten them to watch it or am still currently nagging them to watch it.  It’s one of my top 3 TV shows of all time.  It follows Vic Mackey, an LA police officer and his task force who go into business for themselves a lot, committing probably as many crimes as they prevent.  But Vic is the linchpin that holds the whole thing together.  One of my favorite lines from the series comes when Vic discovers one of his guys went rogue and did something horrific and he responds by saying “I was just following your gameplan, COACH!”  It was powerful and it hurt Vic like hell to hear it.  It’s the only show I can look to that ran seven seasons and something that happens in the pilot is still totally in play until the finale.  The gravity of the pilot is always looming large until the finale.  The meat of the show most times is Vic and his double dealings with all the gangs in LA.  He has his hands in their action a bit, the big dogs stay out of jail.  Fair trade.

Gang Related is a poor man’s Shield.  It’s a BANKRUPT man’s Shield.  Terry O’Quinn from LOST plays the Vic Mackey role, for lack of a better comparison.  He’s Vic in rank and baldness only, really.  He’s the leader of a similar task force designed to take out gang activity.  It’s kind of a shame because he’s a quite capable actor and he’s given fucking nothing to do here.

The show centers around our protagonist? antagonist?  Prantagonist? Ryan Lopez, who is on the task force, but for reasons that are never really made clear beyond “After all our family has done for you!”, his real loyalty lies with gang leader Javier Acosta.  In a scene pulled straight from the Shield pilot’s deleted and then burned scenes, Ryan’s drunk partner chases a tagger into a warehouse and when Ryan follows suit, he finds his partner shot and dying.  The shooter: Javier’s loose cannon son, Carlos.  The task force later finds and arrests him, but Ryan locates and takes the weapon, leaving them without evidence to hold him.  Carlos is ready to rat Ryan out if he spends a day in jail, so Ryan is helpless.  You can tell that he’s supposed to be conflicted as he aspires to be both like O’Quinn’s character and Acosta, but frankly, the actor just ain’t that good.

A few notes:

Towards the end, we’re introduced to a man who is investigating Ryan’s actions regarding his partner’s death.  This man is played by Jay Karnes.  Dutch from…The Shield.  Coincidence?

It’s interesting to note that Terry O’Quinn is really the only primary character in the show who’s white.  That’s kind of refreshing.

There’s a pretty little action sequence involving a land mine being placed on a moving armored car.  The Shield couldn’t afford shit like that, and frankly, they didn’t need it.

Bottom Line: If Fox thought that Gang Related was network TV’s answer to The Shield, they wouldn’t have debuted it in May.  Granted, I’ve only seen the pilot, but it’s just too shiny to achieve the grit that they so desperately seem to want.  This is basically Criminal Minds with a gimmick. And with Fargo, Mad Men and 24 back on the air, I don’t have time for this crap.

3.5/10

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Remember how I said I’ve had all these really positive and inspirational conversations that are just begging me and compelling me to be a better person and to be a better blogger as well?  One of the things that’s really been bothering me lately(I’m sure I’ll get over it soon.  Just been kinda girly.) is how few shows leave me feeling good at the end of it.  Parenthood is like the ONLY drama.  All the dramas I watch are like burning black smoke in my heart.

I don’t do monsters, zombies, fantasy dragon sex or whatever(I’m not looking forward to you guys making me watch Game Of Thrones at all, really).  But the other week, Cameron was really excited about an episode of Justified he watched, calling it possibly his favorite ever.  So I was like “I gotta see this shit” and yeah, it was pretty great, but two awesome characters came forward and were dead by the end of the episode, which left me feeling just shitty.  All of these dramas I watch make me feel bad.  Not because they ARE bad, but because the only good shows on tv are ones where people are horrible.  Whatever happened to “You wanna go where everybody knows your name?”  Today, Carla would have killed everyone and pinned it on Frasier.

If there were a balance, I could deal with it better.  When I cycle between like 14 dramas and 20 comedies and 5 or 6 of those shows end nicely, it leaves me depressed.  If I’m rocking through my DVR on a typical day and it’s Shameless, Archer, The Blacklist, Workaholics, True Detective, Family Guy, Justified, Girls and Scandal(and those are just shows that are on the air right now).  I’d have murderous urges after watching that many assholes and dirtbags all day long, even though I quite enjoy them.

I think that’s why I DVR talk shows and game shows, because I need breaks that are fun tests for my brain and I get to see people genuinely excited as all hell because they won a new bedroom set or a trip to Boston or they just get to spin the wheel or whatever.  There’s no negativity on the Price Is Right.  Even when the contestants lose, they’re still super happy.  They won some contestant’s row shit to make it up there, right?  Like a new camera or some purses or something.  It’s just 100% positive, and I need that, or Jimmy Kimmel or Jimmy Fallon.  Sometimes I just want to watch a Jimmy goof around and have fun with superstars, maybe dick off during an animal or cooking segment to make me laugh for a minute.  These game show and talk show breaks are requisite, so that I don’t watch enough shows in a row that build fury in my heart.

And even the scripted shows that fill up my happy meter will still throw wrenches in the works, too.  Well, not the sitcoms, usually.  I can watch Parks and Rec, Bob’s Burgers, The Goldbergs or Raising Hope and I’ll be smiling 10 times out of 10.  But Parenthood, hoooooo boy, that show will straight up leave me weeping on a rough week.  Same with Friday Night Lights.  And do you know why?  Because the shows are so fucking well written and well cast and every character is generally good so that when something bad happens to them, even if it’s minimal, fucking crushes you.  Funny how that works.  You write a show where the characters are very kind and genuine and real, and SHOCKER, you actually start to care a great deal about them.  I told Cameron this and he said “well, that would be boring”(he hasn’t actually watched either of those shows, though), but I think he missed my point a little bit.  All I want is balance, or at least meet me at 70/30.

I just….Hi, my name is Joel and I love character studies and really solid family dramas.  I also like Mad Men.  I also like Shameless.  I also like Sons Of Anarchy.  But as much as I love a realistic crime or cop drama and those not realistic at all-shit, I’m excited as hell for the return of 24.  But I’m a TV guy and I’m very astute.  I’m not a dummy.  When I see things like giganto record shatter Walking Dead(which I even watch out of spiteful curiosity) ratings, I see the writing on the wall and it’s telling me that horror and monster shows are coming and they’re coming fucking hard.  And you guys will watch it.  Even if it’s bad, you’ll watch it.  At least enough for it to stay on the air and knock shows I like off the air.  And this is why I have contempt for those shows(on the networks, more specifically).  Have you seen the Raising Hope/Enlisted Friday night block?  It’s wonderful and heartwarming.   WHY IS DADS STILL AIRING BRAND NEW EPISODES IN FEBRUARY???!

Bottom line is I want more shows where the characters give you a reason to care about them.  You may think you care about the characters on The Walking Dead, but you don’t.  You just want to see how grisly their inevitable deaths will be. You guys don’t know what it’s like to root for the Bravermans.  Or Tim Riggins.  Or the Taylors.  Or anyone on FNL, really.  When you care about them as much as fans of the shows do, it kills you when they’re down in a very visceral way.  And that only makes their triumphs that much more fucking epic.  If you tell me that you watched Dexter seasons 1-8 and you gave a shit about what happened to any of those selfish idiots down the stretch, either you’re lying or you’re the exact kind of TV viewer that I am not.

It may be easy nerd humor, but I can tell you exactly why The Big Bang Theory is the number one comedy on TV by a mile.  Because Chuck Lorre’s audience isn’t really looking for much in a comedy and he’s brilliant at knowing his audience and when the writing was on the wall for his other smash hit(the one about purely unlikable misogynistic fuckheads), he created a new one.  One that was friendship based, full of people who are kind and thoughtful, except that this show’s Charlie Harper was an asshole only by default.  He doesn’t know any better, which arguably makes him one of the most likable redemption story characters on TV.  He yearns to learn how to relate to people better.  He thinks he’s the most amazing person on the Earth(Charlie Harper), but only because he’s socially oblivious, not because he’s a total asshole(Charlie Harper) and his best friend(Alan Harper), while sometimes dismissing his behavior because he’s exhausting, will often help him learn from his mistakes, therefore earning an ‘awww’ from the audience here and there(the absolute opposite of Alan Harper, who basically stole from his brother for years, encouraged his brother’s outrageous behavior until it killed him, hoping to cash in, only to lose his dipshit son, who he never seemed to give a shit about, to drugs and the army.  But hey, a brand new billionaire just bought the house and lets Alan not only live there rent free, but mooch cash and prizes off of him as if Lorre just changed Sheen to Kutcher on all future scripts).  So Lorre just created a much more appealing and pleasant Charlie and Alan and counted his money.

Friendship is magic, indeed, you damn ponies.

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-The Peanuts gang standing around Schroeder playing the national anthem on his piano was kinda simple and sweet.  METLIFE!

-The Fox NFL guys are all on the field pretending they know the gameplan.  Get off the field before you hurt yourself, Howie

-The referees get a ring, too?  Are you serious?

-Boy, I am not even going to want to watch Brooklyn Nine Nine and New Girl after 412 promos.

-Terry Bradshaw’s talking to a camel.  That’s about right.

-Holy shit, Frank Gifford looks 93.  Being married to Kathie Lee will age you horribly.

-PS, Michael Strahan Hall of Fame class 2014.  Hell yeah! Although I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Jay Pharoah’s hysterical Strahan impression on SNL last night.

-Jimmy Johnson is white guy dancing while Strahan grabs peoples phones asking for predictions.  It’s pretty early to be running out of ides, fellas.

-haha, Bruno Mars got his name from former WWF champion Bruno Sammartino?  I did not know that.

-Fantastic tribute to Pat Summerall.  One of the greatest.  Now we get Joe Buck and Cris Collinsworth.  Yeesh.

-KFC and Metlife have spared no expense during this pregame.  They have ads on literally every single break.

-I don’t really care who wins, but I’d like Eli to be the only multiple ring wearer in the house.  But wouldn’t mind if Champ Bailey won.

-Randy Moss talks with Wes Welker about redemption after his drop towards the end of his last Super Bowl.  Fellow staff writer Phil is a huge Patriots fan, so I absolutely love referencing those Giants-Patriots games because it makes him sad :)  Although he bought me a Giants championship T-Shirt as a get well gift.  He’s a good egg.

-Over/Under on offensive plays before Percy Harvin gets broken: 6.5?

-I marked out for Jamie Foxx introducing himself as Steamin Willie Beamen.  Where my Any Given Sunday fans at?

-Get O’Reilly and Obama off my football!

-Does the Puppy Bowl have a winner?  Is it a real game in any way?  It scares and confuses me.  Fun Fact: 65% of the original puppy bowl players are dead. *not actual fact

-Aw, man.  Philip Seymour Hoffman in the Hunger Games commercial.  RIP, bud.  You were awesome.  Heroin, kids.  Not even once.

-There’s one sound that no one knows.  what does John Fox say?!  Dammit.

-I wouldn’t mind if John Fox won, either.  Former Giants defensive coordinator.

-Russell Wilson is such a good, humble kid.  I like him a lot.  And to think he just as easily could have been a Texas Ranger.  He could have been the next Bo or Deion!  Or is that even allowed anymore?

-Peyton says Eli’s never thrown his 2-0 Super Bowl record in his face, that they pull hard for each other.  That’s gotta be a little bit of bullshit, right?  ELIte!

-Everyone except Jimmy is taking the Seahawks.  So the Broncos will win big.

-Only about a half hour from kickoff.  and then four more hours!

-Queen Latifah sings America The Beautiful with a youth choir and it was kind of a mess.  And what the hell, did she only know the first verse?

-Kurt Russell narrating the Seattle Seahawks story set to Metallica was kinda badass.

-haha, a lady rode out of the tunnel on an actual bronco.  I really wanted that thing to get spooked and just start taking people down.

-You don’t hear the national anthem sung in opera often.  I kinda liked it.

-Are the bad lip sync guys working for McDonald’s now?  That was kinda funny.

-haha, Joe Namath fucks up the coin toss.  Off to a great start.

-And we’re underway!  Let’s go!

-Holy shit!  A Seattle safety on the first play of the game!

-Never challenge the spot, Pete

-And the Broncos hold them to a FG. 5-0 Seattle.  This is gonna be a weird one.

-The Broncos had 76 touchdowns this year.  That’s absolutely ludicrous.  Peyton has been on Madden easy mode.

-Doug Baldwin with a huge catch!  No relation to Alec.  The Hawks are beasting it on 3rd down,

-My snack of choice today is Tim’s kettle chips.  Salt & Vinegar and Jalapeno.  West coast company.  If you have Tim’s at your local store, I can’t recommend them enough.

-FG is good.  8-0 Seattle

-Chancellor interception!  The Hawks D is proving to be legit. Denver can’t get anything going so far.

-1st time in the history of the Super Bowl that a team didn’t record a first down in the 1st quarter.  And it’s the best offense of all time.  Damn.

-Beast Mode with the TD!  Don’t let this get out of hand, Denver.

-How is a recloseable beer bottle a selling point?  Oh, this is just too much beer for me.  Drink the damn beer, pansy!

-Dammmn, Manning picked off again for a touchdown!  They were finally driving, too.  22-0.  This is getting out of hand early.

-Annnnnnd Denver fumbles the kickoff return.  Seahawk ball.  This is ugly, you guys.

-Nevermind.  Ruling overturned.  Denver needed that bad.

-Turnover on downs.  They could have gotten a FG.  They’re determined to be shut out.

-The only other team to be shut out in the first half was the Giants.  but Kerry Collins was not Peyton Manning.  Fuck that game.  Fuck the Ravens.

-Seems like Peyton has abandoned OMAHA!  He has chosen poorly.

-I though the Bruno Mars/Red Hot Chili Peppers halftime show was actually pretty good.  It felt like a party.  Looked like it cost a gazillion dollars, though.

-I wish Fox had given Bob’s Burgers some exposure with the post Super Bowl slot.  Their football episode last week was hysterical.

-Holy shit, Percy Harvin just returned the opening kickoff for a TD.  This is a beating.  I doubt any team has ever scored on the first play of each half.

-haha, the Doberuahua commercial was funny.

-Way for Heinz to pretend tapping their glass ketchup bottles are a fun activity when it’s irritating as hell.

-I actually have a bag of Skittles as part of my snacking.  This is purely coincidental, I swear.

-Annnnd Denver fumbles.  Turnovers are fucking up their world right now.

-Luke Wilson is on the Seahawks?  I love Old School!

-Holy shit, Jermaine Kearse with the touchdown, bouncing off his tacklers.  This game is ridiculously lopsided.

-Damayrius(I’m not even going to pretend to know how to spell that) Thomas gets a TD for the Broncos.  Damn.  I was hoping for a shutout.

-Butterfinger peanut butter cups?  Way to fuck up a perfectly good peanut butter cup.

-Doug Baldwin TD, no relation to Stephen.  This is just stupid now.

-They keep referencing Seattle GM Jon Schneider which is making me laugh because that’s my brother.

-The first ad for the return of 24 features Jack Bauer hobbling along a burning street with a wounded Chloe as he screams and fires his weapon.  Can.t fucking wait.

-haha, we get a shot of Eli looking morose.  “I thought I taught you how to win the Super Bowl, brother.  Why don’t you listen to me!?”

-Peyton fumbles as he’s completely given up at this point.  My dad told me Denver by a lot.  I should call him after the game.

-Tarvaris Jackson is playing quarterback in the Super Bowl.  In other news, a pig just flew by my window.

-The Gatorade bath was orange.  Did you degenerate gamblers win your prop bet??

-Well, I don’t like Pete Carroll but I like a lot of his players, so good for them

-Man, the championship parade in Seattle is going to be bonkers.  12th man.

-I thought about doing New Girl and Brooklyn Nine Nine as well, but forget about it.  I just listened to Joe Buck all day long.  I’m going to read a book for a while.  Sincerely.

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1/18-The Spoils Of Babylon “Kicking The Habit”-IFC

-This show is so fucking bizarre, you guys.  It’s a spoof of all those 70s and 80s mini series events like The Thorn Birds and it is hysterical.  Will Ferrell plays Babylon scribe Eric Jonrosh and he narrates us through this ludicrous love story starring Tobey Maguire, Kristen Wiig, Tim Robbins and Haley Joel Osment to name a few of the heavy hitters.

-Haley Joel Osment didn’t grow up awkward looking at all.  Not at all.

-Kristen Wiig is in love with Tobey Maguire, her brother.  However he brought home a new love from the war.  That role is being played straight.  By a Mannequin.

-haha, I was unaware that I would need 3D glasses for the scene in which Wiig’s character burns the mannequin alive.  “The fire!  It’s coming right at me!”

-Tobey decides that it is now his plight to wander the earth with this burnt mannequin head.

-Also, as if this thing weren’t star studded enough, the mannequin was voiced by Carey Mulligan.  How’d they rope that frail, humorless thing into this?

-Cynthia seeks out Devon and finds him strung out on heroin as a Jim Morrison-esque poet.  He vows to kick the habit and what follws is a silly ass detox montage shot in both a film noir style and a 70s drug flick style.  This bit goes on far too long for my liking.

-Tim Robbins as the Morehouse patriarch is probably my favorite part of this show.  He’s hilarious, especially here as he is losing control of his mental faculties and keeps whacking Devon repeatedly with his cane.

1/22-Live with Kelly and Michael-NBC

-Joined In progress as I didn’t feel in the mood for their banter

-I was in the mood for Michael B. Jordan, however.  aka Wallace from The Wire and Vince Howard from Friday Night Lights, but most recently his rave reviews for Fruitvale Station, which I’ve seen and he was phenomenal.  Love this guy.

-He and Kelly are both All My Children alumni.  Humble beginnings, indeed.

-He’s starring in his first comedy, That Awkward Moment, because he dies a lot onscreen and wanted to make it to the third act finally.  haha.

-Now they have some doctor there to give heart health tips and I swear to god, Michael curtsied for this fuckin guy.

1/17-Olbermann-ESPN2

-Yeah, I don’t even watch my sports news shows in a timely manner.  I know, I know.

-Bloomingdale’s has commissioned 48 different “stylish” football helmets in conjunction with the Superbowl and oh man, are they ugly.  Flowers, beads, spikes, a panda bear.  Nope.

-Keith misses the old Jim Thorpe era leather earflap helmets.  But you know, concussions.

-Still talking about this Peyton Manning Omaha shit.  As a hardcore Giants fan, I can tell you that Peyton’s little brother has been using that hard count for years.  Where’s Eli’s Omaha Steaks offer?

-Will Peyton Manning overcome his Brady demons?  Spoiler alert: yep.

-Hawks-Nets in London.  Paul McCartney is there and Joe Johnson freaks out and starts going beast mode all over his old team

-Who the fuck is guarding Johnson? 26 points in the first half.  God damn.

-Rex Ryan has the most New York Jet playoff wins in team history.  yikes.  how depressing must that be for Jet fans?

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Cameron and Rob did not strike me as the type to catch this genius on the regular, so I though I’d have them stop by and tell me how they felt about it.  fellas?

—————————————————–

Rob:

Talk shows have jumped the shark for me. In my college days in the mid-90s, the only channels to really offer late night talk were NBC and CBS with Leno, Letterman, and Conan (Tom Snyder doesn’t count). Comedy Central began to air The Daily Show with host Craig Kilborn, but that was just a simple half-hour nothing show with D-list celebrity guests. But soon Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert would emerge into the late night landscape, then ABC would join in the fray with Jimmy Kimmel, and Craig Kilborn would jump to CBS after Letterman. Next thing you know, there are a dozen talk shows rotating most of the same guests around the corporate shill-scrambler. Then if that wasn’t enough, Conan would get exiled to TBS to offer even more competition. NBC has Leno/Fallon (soon to be Fallon/Meyers, at least until Leno gets the Tonight Show back in another bloody coup). Comedy Central still has Stewart/Colbert. ABC has Kimmel. E! has Chelsea Handler. Bravo has Andy Cohen. TBS has Conan and Pete Holmes. And last but not least, CBS has Letterman and the subject of this post, Craig Ferguson.

The beauty of all of this variety is that it allows the viewer to really pick a personality that they most want to identify with and watch. For the longest time, I was a Conan fan, but in my opinion he lost his edge once he got the Tonight Show. His TBS show is somewhat more genuine, but it still seems far more mainstream and safe than his old Late Night show on NBC. I have seen a few episodes of Craig Ferguson before, but I haven’t in a few years, so I was interested to see what his show was like in 2014. I can definitely appreciate how quirky and unscripted his show is, as the show opens with his robot skeleton announcer Geoff and a couple of guys in a creepy horse costume staring into the camera. Ferguson definitely does not beg any wandering passersby to enjoy his show, and that is great. This show is definitely not for everyone, but in that same vein, you may have to be in the mood to watch this show. There are times where I definitely would not be in the mood for this sort of silliness.

My least favorite part of the late night talk show format is the monologue. Most talk show hosts are not standup comedians and even those that are (such as Jay Leno) tend to empty a rapid-fire fusillade of awful hacky one-liners regarding the news of the day. Craig Ferguson (who is also a standup) sidesteps the format by conversing with the camera and tossing in random news items outside of the normally regimented monologue routine. He made a joke about Chris Christie’s 2-hour press conference, remarking that “the director of The Hobbit told him he needed to make it shorter”, which was a humorous off-the-cuff joke regarding Peter Jackson’s oft-overlong fantasy movies.

I was particularly excited to watch this episode because of his guests, Patton Oswalt and Hannah New. Patton Oswalt is a money guest no matter what talk show he appears on, but he is especially great when the host is also a comedian. The interplay between Patton and Craig was very natural as they both reminisced about comedy in general. Due to the nature of Craig’s interview style, with his trademark ripping-up-of-the-question-cards, some questions are hit and miss. There can be lulls in the interview, but generally Craig randomly segues between topics that some of them are sure to be interesting. The interview with Hannah New managed to make what seemed to be another boring blond English actress somewhat entertaining. The conversation ended on an awkward note when Craig explained that some sharks have two penises and that they have to bite the female sharks during mating season because they don’t have arms. It is rare and refreshing to see a host not give two shits about what their guest thinks (or even their bosses, as Craig made some interesting references to contract negotiations).

There is just too much great television out there, and that is why I feel talk shows have jumped the shark. Between scripted television, dramas and comedies, reality TV, news, sports and talk shows, there just aren’t enough hours in the day to devour it all. And with the internet and its ability to load specific clips/interviews from talk shows, it feels even less adamant that one watch a full hour-long talk show. Your humble narrator only watches shows if their is a guest he is truly interested in, and even then, there is a lot of fast-forwarding involved. Talk shows are a dinosaur in this day and age, but Craig Ferguson is a throwback to the days when talk shows were fun and irreverent, and I would not hesitate to watch his show more, if only it wasn’t on so late and I wasn’t already 10 hours behind on my DVR.

—————————————————–

Cameron:

I don’t watch a whole lot of late night talk shows anymore. It’s just not something that I feel I NEED to see. I have this life to live, and television is a luxury. Late night shows lately just feel like a sub-par form of entertainment. Comedians get to make some half-formed jokes, since they have to do it EVERY night, some celebrity gets to promote whatever bullshit they just did in the guise of an interview, and some band plays live or lip syncs, who knows anymore? If I’m super bored, sometimes I’ll put on Conan or Pete Holmes because TBS is closer channel-wise than the networks and I’m lazy. The Late Show with Craig Ferguson. I have to say, I’m not all that familiar with Craig Ferguson as anything other than the boss from the Drew Carey show, so I’m coming into this pretty unbiased. Also, I just had a minor back operation and am still feeling the effects of the fentanyl, so bare with me. I’m watching the 1-14-14 episode with Kevin Bacon. It has a pretty goddamn odd opening with him talking to a robot skeleton and a horse. Is this normal? Anyways, still being on some drugs, this is tripping my balls.

Now the monologue. I guess the robot skeleton “Geoff” is the regular sidekick. Weird. Some of the jokes are funny enough, I guess. I’m generally just not a fan of talk show monologues. Here is something recent in the news, and here’s the joke we thought for it today. Eh, hit or miss obviously. The first little sketch thing is Ferguson and some guy doing German voices and acting like the band Kraftwerk. I really have no idea. Now some thing where he talks on the phone to celebrities. Obviously they’re not really the celebrities. Fuck, I’m more out of it than I thought. I shouldn’t review things drugged out of my mind, I’m lost as shit. Letters from…fans, I guess? Craig’s very meta. Talks about the workings of the show a lot. Yes, it’s just letters from fans. People are laughing, though. Why are people laughing? At this comedy show.
Kevin Bacon’s pretty funny. Apparently dogs always poop north, I didn’t know that, thanks Kev. Craig Ferguson’s a capable interviewer. Nothing phenomenal or special or radically different besides the robot skeleton sidekick. Joel had led me to believe that Ferguson was very different than your average talk show host. Maybe that’s how removed I’ve become from talk shows. This all looks par for the course. Now he’s interviewing some French actress Karla Souza. At least she acts in French movies. Ferguson is comfortable taking charge in the interview if the actor/actress wants to be boring. I like that. At least they skip the (usually) shitty band promoting their latest album and just close the show.

Overall…..it was okay. Craig Ferguson is a funny guy, and it’s certainly a late night talk show. I don’t feel any differently than I did at the beginning of the article about talk shows. I’m hardly ever up late enough to catch these live, and I don’t really find them compelling enough to DVR. Ferguson probably is funnier than Conan has been the last couple years, but the time slot kills it for me. I understand why he’s liked, and I hope he continues to thrive. Just not on my television.

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1/09-TMZ-Fox

-If it makes you feel any better, I hate myself for watching this.

-Michelle Rodriguez got bombed courtside at the Knicks game and started full on tongue kissing her supermodel friend.  This was pleasant.

-The Honey Boo Boo clan got in a car wreck and injured themselves and Harvey and the gang are laughing hysterically as they are wont to do.

-Rapper Tiger(?) bought and tricked out a 2014 Maybach for 2.2 million dollars.  I’ve never even heard of this fucking guy.  what the hell?

-Goofing on the new Bachelor, Juan Pablo and ABC’s horrendous promotion of it.  This Juan-uary, Juan Pablo is simply Juan-derful.  Good grief.

-They’re gushing over Tim Tebow predicting the score of the BCS Championship game.  TMZ loves them some Tebow.

-Kellen Lutz in NYC defying the cult that is Crossfit.  Says he tried it and it’s just bad for your joints.  Hey, I’ll buy it.  Have you seen that guy?  He’s bu-uuuuuuffff #EncinoMan

-Hey Rod Stewart, what do you think of the Beatles? “Couldn’t give a fuck”  Alrighty then, thank you for your time.

-Instagram of Alexander Sarsgaard taking an epic dump in Antarctica, just butt naked sitting on a toilet on a glacier.

1/09-Conan-TBS

-I’m pretty much watching Conan out of a sense of loyalty at this point, and even that’s going to end in a month when Fallon takes over the Tonight Show and goes head to head with Kimmel.  Conan just isn’t very funny anymore.  he’s on autopilot and it’s sad.  the Jimmys are both doing fun and creative things and Conan is simply not.  At all.  He’s like my seventh favorite late night host at this point.  sorry, buddy.  I’ll record you when either Kimmel or Fallon are in repeats.  Deal?

-OK, sweet.  One of the few things Conan does that still amuses me is fucking with his super strange employee, Jordan Schlansky.  and it looks like we’re getting it here.  Conan has hired a professional organizer to help him with his messy office.  Let’s see how this goes.

-”Do you mind if I eat your sandwich during this process?  It really doesn’t matter how you answer” haha

-Jordan keeps a jar of sauerkraut in his desk because it’s a natural probiotic.  why is he so strange?

-”You have cheeses, you have wines, you have salami.  This is a television show yet you seem to think we’re running a moderately sized Italian restaurant”

-haha, Conan finds an old paystub from NBC and is perturbed. “This is garbage”

-”Don’t look me in the eyes.  that was awful.  I just saw the end of the world in your eyes”  That was a fun segment.  more stuff like this and way way less of the band that sings songs that are slightly different from hit songs because of copyright law.  that shit is the anti-funny, O’Brien.

-Marky Mark Wahlburgers is here!

-haha, he’s talking about his wife and child staying at a hotel during the Patriots game because he got into deep trouble when the Patriots lost the Super Bowl a couple years ago(GIANTS!  ELI!).  He threw everyone out of his house and his wife was like “It’s only a game.” and Wahlburgers said “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talkin ’bout!”

-Wahlberg is cracking me up.  now he’s talking about how his daughter is into one direction and she likes Harry.  “That’s nice, honey.  but if I ever see that fuckin guy I’m gonna punch him in the nose.”

-Mark’s youngest son met the Rock and surpassed the high five and punched him square in the nuts.  Mark thought he was gonna catch a beating for that.

-I don’t want to see Lone Survivor, because 1. War movies make me feel uncomfortable and 2. Tim Riggins is in the movie and I know he’s not the survivor.  Seeing Tim Riggins die would traumatize me.

-Kathryn Hahn is out next.  I like her, but it was pretty uneventful.  Her dad is a cheapskate and she felt up Jennifer Aniston’s tits.  She’ll always be the woman who forced herself on John C. Reilly in Step Brothers.  It’s so slippery!

-Last up was comedian Chad Daniels.  he made me laugh.  I liked him.  “If you ever have to give a speech in front of the class, consider taping your dick down.  14 year old boners do not keep a schedule”

1/10-Kevin Hart: Serve And Protect-Comedy Central

-I saw this and decided to record it.  I like Kevin Hart.  I think he’s funny as hell.  And in this program, he is promoting his new movie, Ride Along, by observing police officers.

-Kevin starts out following a parking enforcement officer around and writes tickets with his own personal stamp.  “Gotcha, Bitch!”  The officer isn’t a fan.  He also isn’t a fan of Kevin blowing the whistle right next to his fucking head.

-The officer’s record is 126 tickets in one day.  “Well, that makes you an asshole”

-Next up, he was a security guard at a strip mall and I was dying.  He was talking about this tweaker with purple hair.  He said “He had that Bobby Brown chin back and forth all over the place”

-The security guard talks about seeing a guy jerk off over by the trash can and Kevin quits “High five, though.  good work here watchin people jerk off and shit”

-Now he’s on the police ride along.  “I heard that women arrest more people when they’re on their cycle.  I saw that on worldstarhiphop.com” hahaha

-”I’m not entirely sure what the definition of jaywalking is, but the way he’s crossing the street is throwing me off”

-That was enjoyable.  If you like Kevin Hart.  I think he’s pretty damn funny.  your mileage may vary.

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-One of about three sports news shows I can stand anymore.  I enjoy the banter between these cantankerous old coots.

-Tony’s not buying the Colin Kaepernick kool-aid, because there’s a good chance they’d have to go through Seattle, where the Niners have been getting shit kicked lately.

-Tony puts the Bengals on blast for being 8-0 at home and then losing to a shitty Chargers team that wasn’t even supposed to be there.  If Philip Rivers makes the Super Bowl somehow, I’m going to vomit.

-Talk of the amazing Colts/Chiefs game, and basically Andrew Luck living up to his name with an incredibly lucky fumble bouncing right into his arms which he ran in for a touchdown

-Also, talk of how much command of his team and respect the players have for Luck as opposed to Robert Griffin III, whose teammates won’t even help off the ground.

-The Saints finally win a road playoff game.  Will they continue to do so?  It is Drew Breesus, but I doubt it.

-Yay, now we get to preview the BCS championship game, which I already talked about.  That’s the downside in not watching some stuff in a timely manner.

-The guys are split on whether the NFL should add one more wild card team to the NFL playoffs.  Tony says that means we also would have gotten Pittsburgh-New England and Arizona-Carolina this past weekend.  Hey.  I like football, so I kinda dig it.

-The Colts sign Deion Branch.  Belichicking the Belichick.  I like it.

1/06-Live With Kelly and Michael-NBC

-As a lifelong Giants fan, this is still so bizarre to me.

-Side note.  I had a nurse on my last hospital stay that looked just like Kelly Ripa with dark hair.  I was in love.

-The banter was nothing to write home about here.  Kelly went skiing and talked about her heated gloves for like 5 minutes and Michael doesn’t like it when kids in movie theaters keep sucking on their drinks with nothing in them.

-Carey Mulligan is on and I’d like to induct her into the frail, artsy, humorless actor Hall Of Fame.  Past inductees include Michelle Williams and Johnny Depp.

-I don’t know why, but it’s a pet peeve of mine when someone says someone is called something instead of named something.  For instance, she says Justin Timberlake’s character, who’s called Jim.  No.  he’s named Jim.  I guess either works, but it irritates me.

-Alison Williams is there and is a huge fan of the Bachelor franchise and she’s geeking out over just having met Juan Pablo.  Brian Williams is ashamed.

-Juan Pablo is out and the ladies are just melting the fuck down.  This guy’s got a pretty sweet gig.

1/08-Modern Family “And One To Grow On”-ABC

-I still like this show.  It’s better than a lot of stuff out there.

-Luke is growing up awkwardly. Haley and Alex are definitely not, though

-Phil tricks Luke into attending ballroom dance classes by promising him they were going to autopsy camp. haha

-Phil then gets arrested for Haley’s unpaid parking tickets and all of a sudden Luke’s in a ride along.

-I enjoy that Adam Devine is doing more things then just Workaholics, because he cracks me the fuck up.

-The baby mistakenly said dada to the nanny.  Phil’s response: “It’s fine.  He’s 1.  I watched him pee into his own face and smile”

-Cam is giving Mitchell the business about not being able to make timely decisions “What about that time in Vegas? No, it’s fine.  we’ll just see them the next time when that tiger un-eats Roy” ha

-Lily has the hots for Manny.  That’s nasty.

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-I’ve been on a serious Nat Geo Wild kick lately, you guys.  Animals are so fucking weird and awesome.

-Casey Anderson is our guide and he is such a wilderdude.  He reminds me of my friend, Jake.  Grew up in Montana with nothing to do so now he just follows animals around and shit.  Jake’s a little more civilized.  Barely.

-The guy hangs out with grizzly bears all the time.  Like bros.  Has nobody learned from Grizzly Man?

-I would get so laid in the animal world.  I’m a giant and that seems to be the number one factor in getting chicks over your bros.

-Casey is in an enclosure with golden eagles flying inches away from his face and he thinks it’s so cool.  I would definitely be shitting my drawers.

-Owls don’t make their nests.  They find the nests of other large birds and kill the babies and move in.  Owls are assholes.

-It’s kinda creepy seeing the bears try and mate with Casey looking on and whispering.

-

1/07-The Chew “Start The Year Off Light “-ABC

-The Chew is a fluffy little talk show/food show with hosts Iron Chef Michael Symon(who I love.  He’s like a big goofy drunken uncle), Iron Chef Mario Batali(who I like, because his Italian food looks amazing), Top Chef alum Carla Hall(who we HATE, because Carla), Dr. Oz’s daughter, Daphne, because nepotism, and some flamingly gay boy named Clinton who I have no idea why he’s there.

-Over the holiday, Michael drilled hooks into his ceiling to hang legs of lamb to cook in front of his fireplace.  haha, of course he did.

-Carla cooked Christmas dinner.  Fried chicken, black eyed peas, collard greens and cornbread.  Uhhhh, no comment.

-haha, Carla’s trying to teach fun tips and tricks and she has this hanger with clips on it to hang up and clip open a cookbook and the whole thing falls apart as she’s doing it.  Fuck you, Carla.  How hard is it to look at a cookbook anyways?

-Daphne’s cooking some chicken but instead of breading she’s using crushed pistachios.  That sounds incrediballs.

-At the same time, Michael is making “Spatchcock ckicken”.  What in the blue hell is that?

-Yuck, Daphne’s using olives in her dish.  way to ruin the awesome pistachio flavor.  Symon takes the lead!

-Now we hear the story of private chef Eduardo Garcia who lost his hand to an infection(I can relate to that, buddy) and he’s still cooking and passionate about food even with his hook hand.  Dicing an onion looks pretty rough.

-Mario and Eduardo gushing about how beautiful Montana is.  man, it’s a Montana lovefest in the Daily today.

-Eduardo and Mario are now making some delicious looking Diablo Shrimp.  God, it must suck to be in the studio audience for The Chew.  To smell all of this awesome food and not eat it.

1/07-Olbermann-ESPN2

-As much as I hate politics Olbermann is as much as I love sports Olbermann.  You know he’s a huge dickhead, but he’s smart.  And I prefer him talking sports a kabillion times more than his political rants.

-BCS Championship game highlights.  That was a fuckin barnburner, you guys.  With some bullshit looking calls being made.  but Florida State ekes it out over Auburn in what was supposed to be a blowout.

-Big fat Charlie Weis is in studio to talk about the game and I really don’t care.

-I like to watch Ricky Rubio play basketball.  He reminds me of John Stockton

-Keith gives a touching teary-eyed tribute to Jerry Coleman.  I did not know this man before now, but he was the voice of the San Diego Padres for 42 years and one of Keith’s early role models.  he also earned 11 air force medals during WWII.  Keith got weepy at the end and it made me weepy, too.

-Dan Snyder gave out bags of apples at Christmas.  A fucking bag of apples?  God, as if I didn’t hate him enough already.

-Tonight’s worst person in the sports world: Kobe Bryant, for having teammate Nick Young do his interview for him.  Nah, I’d give it to Snyder up there.  A bag of apples, shit.

-Video is shown of the Dallas Mavericks starting five doing an Anchorman spoof.  I’ll admit, I laughed out loud.  that was some goofy shit.

-And play of the night goes to Auburn’s 50 yard TD pass.

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