Woke up to the good ‘ol reliable blood draw at fucking 4AM.  Gotta have that hemo by the time the Mercedes roll in.  Then what the fuck do I do?  I’m wide awake now.  At 4, we’ve got ‘lil ‘lil kids programming, a mess of paid programming, old Married with Children episodes that don’t hold up or Full House episodes that never held up.  Sportscenter and ESPN it is.  Oh, shit.  Derek Jeter’s retiring.  Maybe I’ll lay off of ESPN for a year then.

My doctor, nurses and case manager come in and FUCK! I hate this doctor.  He doesn’t believe in pain killers.  My last doc gave me 2mg of Dilaudid every two hours.  This doc gives me .5mg every six hours with a Norco(pretty much a yellow skittle to me) every few hours.  I’m currently cramming as much shit down my piehole as I can, knowing that in about an hour, I won’t even be able to have even as much as a sip of water as I have surgery set for the morning for my fifth amputation!(I’ve since had one more)

I’m supposed to take a shit for this nice pretty lady, but so far all I can muster are some blaring loud dry farts.  She just woke me up from a deep doze, scaring the hell out of me asking me where my poop was.  Perhaps this is good, because the last time a nurse asked for my poop, it was because I had the Norovirus and I gave that chick some shit and then some.  But I guess I’m sort of burying the lede here;  Getting big toe #2 amputated tomorrow and I’m pretty fucking bummed out about it.  I just wish I could help every one of my friends and family before I did this.  Morbid, but I would gladly sacrifice myself for their happiness.  I’m just getting grumpier with every toe I lose.  Sooner or later a foot?  A leg?  But not yet, you fuckers!

P.S. My therapist called and said she’d stop by tomorrow with some food and support, so that’s nice to have!  Thanks, girl!

Sigh, until an eventful tomorrow.

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SPOILER ALERT: This review contains full spoilers for the first two seasons of Orange Is the New Black.

The second season of Orange Is the New Black is a season of change, yet at the same time it ends with somewhat of a restoration of the status quo. The first season of the show worked very hard to establish the characters both inside and outside of Litchfield. We were shown that none of the people in Piper’s world are one-dimensional characters or simple archetypes. It’s a bit of a meta jab at the character of Piper, who sees herself as the main character not just in her own life, but (as Nicki points out) in the lives of everyone around her. Her instinct is to view herself as the only well-rounded character, and everyone her as poorly developed supporting players. And in most TV shows, Piper’s egocentric view would be correct. But Jenji Kohan has deliberately subverted the audience’s expectations, giving dimension and pathos to a supporting cast of characters who would be reduced to crude racial stereotypes in the hands of a lesser talent (looking at you, Chuck Lorre). Kohan and her staff carefully crafted a rich, real world in Litchfield, and season 2 of Orange Is the New Black is their attempt to (at least, temporarily) tear it apart.

The big changes to the show mostly manifest in the relationships of the characters. Piper and Alex are separated, this time not just emotionally but geographically. Pennsatucky’s crew of Christian meth-heads turn on her, and perhaps worst of all for the viewers, Taystee and Poussey’s friendship is put on hiatus. The dramatic changes to the show are never more clear than in the season premiere, where a confused and disoriented Piper is whisked away from solitary confinement (where she had spent a few weeks after beating the holy hell out of Pennsatucky in the season 1 finale) and put on a series of bus and plane rides to an unknown destination. It’s a bit jarring to see Piper serving as the audience surrogate once again, drawing us in to her sense of alienation as she makes her way to a supermax penitentiary in Chicago. It’s a risky move on the part of the show’s writers, after spending the entire first season showing us that the main character of OITNB is not actually Piper, but Litchfield itself and the colorful ensemble therein. By ostensibly following only the “main character” for an entire episode, the show is leaving the real stars behind. Of course, Piper is back in the mix at Litchfield by the third episode, and the status quo is restored. In that way, the first three episodes could be seen as a microcosm of the entire season; big changes occur, but by the end everything is more or less back to normal. The only lasting change is Alex getting out of prison after testifying in Chicago against her former drug kingpin.

The catalyst for change in Litchfield itself is Vee, a new character with past ties to both Taystee (on the outside) and Red (on the inside). Vee wants to rule Litchfield the way that she did during her previous stay, and will stop at nothing to achieve her goal. Early on, she sets about building a crew of other black inmates, specifically the only ones who have ever had speaking roles on the show. Poussey is the odd man (or rather, woman) out, after Vee recruits her old protégé Taystee. Taystee and Poussey’s friendship was one of the unexpected delights of the first season (Amanda and MacKenzie FTW!), but their split is set up by the reveal of Poussey’s previously unmentioned (to the audience) and unrequited romantic feelings toward Taystee. Vee drives a wedge between the two of them, warning Taystee that she doesn’t want people in her ‘hood thinking she’s a lesbian after she gets out. One expository hair change (corn rows) later, Taystee is part of Vee’s prison crew. Suzanne also goes through the change hair/join Vee process, becoming the easily manipulated enforcer of the group. Janae and Black Cindy join up as well, apparently in exchange for cake (to be fair, it was funfetti). Vee’s racket is cigarettes, and she has an outside vendor sneaking tobacco in with the cleaning supplies. This sets up a direct conflict with Litchfield’s former queen of contraband, Red.

Red begins the season trying to get her own crew back together so that she can retake the kitchen. After some fruitless attempts, her discovery of a sewer drain in the campus greenhouse inspires her to restart her contraband pipeline (literally!) with the help of the Golden Girls, Litchfield’s crew of, um, “mature” women. Vee sees Red’s new enterprise as a threat, and the two women spend most of the season trying to take each other down. A flashback episode for Red toward the end of the season shows us that she and Vee became friends (as far as Red knew) shortly after Red got locked up, and it was actually Vee who suggested that Red use her Russian mob connections to smuggle in contraband. After Vee became the leader of the black inmates, she shook Red down for control of the operation. Red refused, and Vee’s crew gave her a vicious beating. So it’s safe to say that there’s some history between the two of them. Their war for contraband supremacy dominates the season, with supposed main character Piper not ever really becoming a part of that story.

In terms of side stories, noted homophobe Healy and noted toothpastephobe Pennsatucky strike up a bit of a friendship after both decide that they want something better out of life. Nothing much really comes of it other than the two of them conspiring to fix Pennsatucky’s teeth, but it gives them something to do while Vee takes over the role of the show’s villain. Piper and Caputo both work to take down assistant warden Fig, though neither is aware of their shared goal until the season finale. Piper’s investigations into embezzlement at Litchfield give her something to do on her own for once, and she manages to form a bit of a prison identity for herself. Her relationship with Larry is officially ended after he reveals that he slept with Piper’s married best friend (and new mom) Polly, and Larry continues to be on the show for some reason. Miss Rosa (the bald, cancer-stricken inmate we met back in the pilot) finds out that she has only weeks to live, and is going to die in prison. Bennett gets Pornstache sent to prison for raping Daya, which Daya says is a frame job even though Pornstache did exactly that (from a legal perspective. Daya’s consent is irrelevant since she was an inmate and Pornstache was a guard).

Vee’s crew abandons her by the end of the season, after Vee expands her operation to include heroin, kicks Taystee out of the crew because of something Poussey did, frames Suzanne for her own slocking (lock in a sock…slock…I just got that!) of Red, and tries to go Broomy McStabStab on Black Cindy. Desperate, Vee flees Litchfield through Red’s sewer pipe (which had been revealed to Vee by Big Boo), and is struck dead by a van driven by the escaping Rosa. Taystee and Poussey are friends again, Vee is gone, Red has a newly-slocked face but a working contraband operation, and Alex is headed back to Litchfield after her parole officer discovers that she has a gun (due to an “anonymous” tip from a certain angry blonde ex). Status quo (mostly) restored.

On a lesser show, this kind of impermanence regarding changes could be seen as a warning sign, but on Orange Is the New Black it’s meant to make a point. The worst part of prison for these women isn’t the food or the lack of privacy or the occasional garden shed slocking. It’s the sameness. It’s the day-to-day tedium of going about the same routine in the same building, until they let you out. It’s knowing that the outside world is changing, and people you know are living dynamic lives while your life is stuck in a static loop. Orange Is the New Black has spawned thousands of blogs, Buzzfeed quizzes and Facebook posts about how much fun it must be to live in Litchfield, but Jenji Kohan is trying to make it clear that her point is exactly the opposite. These characters are not dropping in at their convenience to binge-watch the events inside the prison while eating pizza and texting their friends. They are stuck there, all day, every day, with limited connections to the outside world. Their lives are no longer their own, and their free will is extremely limited. Kohan, the other writers, and the cast want to make it clear: Litchfield may be a nice place to visit, but you wouldn’t want to live there.

Some other thoughts:

- Larry and Polly seem like they’re characters from a much worse show, who have been transplanted into this one. Their affair was telegraphed from a mile away, and the whole story reeked of a mid-‘90s sitcom.

- Morello is totes crazypants, you guys! Another excellent swerve by the writers. After last season, I think we all assumed that Christopher broke up with Lorna after she went to prison, and her delusion was limited to thinking he would still marry her. But it’s so much worse than that.

- Speaking of crazypants, the show has a running theme of showing women (Morello, Crazy Eyes and Pennsatucky) who really should be getting mental health care, but were just thrown into prison instead because it’s easier for “the system”.

- This season really up the quotient of, as Boo would put it, “You know…lesbian content.” The scene with Brook and Nicki in the chapel stood out in particular, since Kimiko Glenn was fully nude whereas similar scenes with Nicki and Lorna in season 1 had Yael Stone’s breasts covered. I hope the increase in sexy times and nudity isn’t meant to be pandering. My eyes already roll hard enough at Game of Thrones. That being said, I may or may not be working on a fanfic involving Brook and Poussey’s German girlfriend.

- I hope Piper and Black Cindy become best friends next season.

What do you all think? Was everything tied up too neatly at the end? Is the show’s depiction of lesbianism becoming exploitative, or is it all fun and nip-nips? Should Laura Prepon keep the dark hair and glasses look forever? Leave a comment below.

The post Orange Is the New Black: Season 2 Review appeared first on screensnark..

May 28^th, Spike

I am a huge fan of roasts.  Some of the funniest moments I’ve seen on any screen consisted of professional insulters eviscerating roast guests and audience members.  I still laugh when I remember Jeff Ross delivering the line “I wouldn’t fuck her (Sandra Bernhard) with Bea Arthur’s dick”—followed by a smash cut to Arthur’s reaction.

So when the guest of honor is the Chairman Emeritus of insult comedy, my expectations are going to be sky-high.  Further boosting my expectations was the incredible list of speakers which included David Letterman, Jerry Seinfeld, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, Eddy Murphy, Jimmy Kimmel, Tracy Morgan and Jon Stewart.  My only concern coming in is that the speakers might be too reverent of the roastee and we won’t get the same sort of great roast that we got with Drew Carey, where every comic made jokes about Carey taking it in the crapper.

Unfortunately, my sole fear came true.  The tribute was actually a tribute and not a roast.  It was nice, really nice, to see the love and respect held for Rickles by everyone in the room, but it didn’t deliver what I was hoping to see.  Hitters like Seinfeld and Stewart were gently funny, as were Bill Cosby and Jimmy Kimmel.

That doesn’t mean that the night was without some good jokes—including a few from unlikely sources.  Martin Scorsese and Robert DeNiro were surprisingly funny together.  Scorsese looked at Rickles and said, “If I were directing this, I don’t think I would have gone with the open casket.”

DeNiro hit a handful of line drives, starting with the observation that Rickles’ hiring as a bit part in Casino was affirmative action for Jews (and that Jackie Mason wasn’t available).  He later turned to Rickles and said, “The scene where Pesci beats the crap out of you turned out to be one of the most popular scenes in the move—who hasn’t wanted to do that?”

He then made fun the repeated mention of Rickles’ relationship with Frank Sinatra, “I’m so fucking sick of hearing about Sinatra.  He’s fucking dead.  Dead is the average age of your fans.”

And he closed by saying, “Don is something rare, a wonderful human being.  If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be able to get away with being such as asshole.”

Tracy Morgan was very funny.  He defended Donald Sterling by saying “If I owned the Clippers for thirty losing years, I’d hate black people, too” and got a big laugh with “Don’s old school: no filters on his cigarette, no ice in his glass and no condoms.”

News anchor Brian Williams did a nice job making fun of both Spike and CPO Sharkey, Rickles foray into sitcoms, prior to introducing a highlight clip taken from Rickles’ legendary run on Carson.  I never saw Rickles on Carson and was blown away by their comedic chemistry—Rickles’ barbs and Carson’s facility as a straight man.  Regis Philbin introduced some funny clips of Rickles insulting Frank Sinatra, which was enjoyable.

Some of the “roastier” moments came when speakers make fun of Rickles’ racist and sexist jokes.  Kimmel told the story of Rickles tipping Latino busboys $20 and telling them, “send this home and buy your mothers a house.”  And Poehler and Fey were probably the best of the night, ripping rapid-fire on Rickles’s sexism.

Rickles himself is still funny.  When given the opportunity to close, Rickles said “I say this from my heart—this is a long night” and dropped an old-school racist joke, “Here we are in the home of the blacks (The Apollo Theater) and I see three.  I’m sure one of you is upstairs robbing my hotel room.”

Rickles has earned this reverence, mind you, and I suppose that I can’t complain that a great performer was given a loving tribute.  He’s earned it.  However, I would have preferred to see the speakers celebrate his art by emulating it.  That said, you saw an emotional Rickles truly grasping and appreciating his own good fortune.  And the event left me wanting more Rickles.

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2.  This is pretty much just a journal I kept during one of my stays to goof on what it’s like dealing with being there, the people and of course, the shit TV.  Anything written by present day me will be in parentheses.  I’ve been hospitalized 6 more times since I wrote this.  Which is probably why you haven’t seen me around as much lately.  Deep depression.  Let’s try and pull myself out of that, shall we?

3. The following took place in February 2014

4. That was my Jack Bauer impression.

Feb 12

On the way to wound care, my gut was gurgling.The past two weeks, I had sworn I was going to be hospitalized and was spared.  This time was not to be as the prior two evenings I had found a complete lack of balance as if I were my mother after several vodka tonics.  I’d fallen down twice as if I were hammered, though the only beverages I’d consumed that day were white cherry Powerade and some Coke.  So I wasn’t blitzed.  I have severe neuropathy(look it up) and open wounds on both feet complete with amputation non kung fu grip.  I have never ever stumbled around like this under no influence of drugs or alcohol, so it was a bit disconcerting heading to wound care.  Scotty and Mark both had looks of concern on their faces as I meandered back there.  “You all right there, Joel?”  “Yeah, you don’t look so great” They removed the gauze from my feet and began to inspect and go to work on the damage.  I couldn’t begin to tell you what they said after that as I was clenching my fists to distract from the pain.

I began to put my shoes back on when Mark stopped me, and they pulled in a fucking wheelchair, only the second time they’d ever done that.  I was frightened.  I was so focused on wanting to trade all of my good parts to my father, who is battling pneumonia, and my friend’s and my own severe depression, which leaves me just falling the fuck apart.  Emotionally, physically and spiritually.  Last night, my legs began to act as if I was playing the fucking lava game.  I was stepping very far and erratically and frankly was scaring the hell out of myself.  I took a shoulder to my dresser just trying to turn out the lights.  Ow.  And then bringing mail to the mailbox, a branch hit my head causing me to spin out and react like it was the fucking Viet Cong.  So I ran full boar about five and a half feet in the other direction, only to about flip over a gaurdrail.  What the fuck?  This is a very recent and hopefully temporary development, because falling down for no reason is for saps, and frankly I’m over it.

So Mark wheels me over to the ER and I go through triage, X Rays, blood tests, etc. The whole rigamorole(Frankly they should fast track me in at this point.  I’ve been to the ER 25 times.  I’ve stayed there 25 times.)  Almost every single worker knows me by name, no hyperbole.  This is my 19th hospitalization in almost exactly two years.  You’d think they’d have figured this shit out by now.  My loyal, faithful, loving father is wheeling me back to the ER and I would give my left nut not to have to deal with his youngest son like this.  It should be vice versa.  I feel awful about it, but he has truly been a godsend throughout all this.

I am also what’s known as a “tough stick”, which basically boils down to the nurses and interns treating me like a pincushion until they draw blood, which on me, is as hard as striking oil.Since I just had an IV site inserted, but not yet a pain shot or any antibiotics. my awesome dad goes out to grab me some Taco Bell, my choice of smuggled in food since I can use their myriad of sauces to make their eggs taste less like watery butthole.  And whilst he was out, I got my pain hookup, like literally seconds before he came back in, because I was high as hell(haha, my handwriting takes a pretty steep drop here) and wanted a beefy five layer burrito STAT!

After it was revealed that I would be admitted, Dad left, which is always a sad moment for me, because then I’m truly alone.  It coincided rather perfectly this time, because transportation showed up just as he was leaving.  Transportation, for those not in the know, are big buff bros or ladies in NY Giants blue scrubs that bolt patients to their destinations while they talk sports with you.  The Patriots fans are my favorite to talk shit to.

We arrive at my room, and as per usual, it’s a rain of “Joel!” “Hey good lookin!” “Well if it isn’t our favorite patient!” You get the gist. (I was high.  This may or may not be an exaggeration)  This time around, I wasn’t really to bear weight on either foot, so big buff transport kind of just heaves me from one bed to the other, with no regard for my ballsack.  OW.  A random nurse comes in to take vitals and ask me the same dumbass questionairre that they always do.  In short, no I am not diabetic, Yes I have all the ailments that would suggest otherwise.

Fell asleep wishing death and darkness but Craig Ferguson was on, so it was a smidge difficult.

Stay tuned for more hospital diaries!

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Joe decided they should split (literally) little bunny foo foo in half because Darryl didn’t know the ZA rules of their gang. Why the fuck is Darryl staying with them? He knows how to track, he has seen the signs?? He could have left in the middle of the night and high tailed it to Terminus (which I’ve already stated may not be the best idea.. .but its better than staying with this fucks)!

Back at the tunnel…. Abraham, Rositia (with a new Forever 21 outfit), and Eugene (Looks like a dead Ringer for John Laroquette)…..

decide they will get into a mini van they found and still head toward DC. While Glenn and Tara limp and muster through the tunnel with about 15 bullets… makes perfect sense.. Abraham takes a nap in the back seat which looks like it smells like equal parts of zombie intestines and an old grandpa who smoked, while Rosita and Eugene “navigate” their way through the back roads of Georgia.  I’m hoping they find honey Boo Boo in McIntyre ( I smell a crossover event!)

Turns out Eugene is giving Rosita all the wrong directions so they can get back to Glenn and Tara and help them. Boy Eugene seems really confusing as he wants to get to Washington DC and save the world, but also wants to help Glenn .

Glenn and Tara discover the Tunnel is collapsing and so Glenn is checking each walker he sees to make sure it isn’t Maggie. What is he going to do if he sees a beautiful farm girl walker? There are boulders and rocks everywhere from the collapse and of course klutzy ass Tara gets her ankle stuck. She tells Glenn to go but we just had death last week so I’m not thinking Tara will die. Glenn is trying to get her out of this weird rock to no avail when all of a sudden a huge group of people you can’t see pull up and start a shootout similar to the Departed (sighhhhh Scorsese should do TV).
Its Rosita, Eugene, Abraham, and Drunk bob, AND Sasha and ……drum roll… Maggie. Now I don’t think Maggie and Glenn have shit for chemistry but they are the only couple left so I cheer they are reunited (for now). She explains a bunch of walkers swarmed them in the tunnel (dumb asses should have gone AROUND) and she shot the ceiling to hit them in the heads with the concrete. They are hugging and she finds the picture Glenn took of her in the jail watchtower (i can’t help humming Bear McCreary’s version of the song) and she says “you don’t need that anymore, we’ll never be apart again”. Gee that’s not a red herring or anything?

back to Darryl and the shitheads. The guy who fought over the bunny has now planted it in Darryl’s luggage (a trash-bag) to make him look like he lies. Joe doesn’t like lying. Hmmm I feel like Joe is down with raping, killing, pillaging and shitting on our back… but he doesn’t like a liar? Go figure. Turns out Joe knew his buddy bandit planted it on Darryl. The group starts to beat him as Darryl goes to sleep (WTF?) Darryl wakes up as they are moving closer to terminus and sees the bandit has been beaten to death outside the auto body shop they stayed in the second night. So now Darryl knows they will kill you if you don’t follow their rules. And still he doesn’t say “hey man I have to take a shit I’ll be back” and then run away? I used to think this zombie apocalypse would be an adventure, now i’m not so sure.

Now flash to Maggie and Glenn co…we see the group heading toward the fuckery place of terminus. Eugene said they should help out and then go to DC. Seems Eugene has no intention of EVER getting to DC. They get to a first gate and there is no sign of ANYONE. No Rick, Michonne and Carl.. whom appeared to be ahead of them. There is no locks , there is NOTHING but the sign TERMINUS. WTF? Why not scope a place out? Why just think its the girl scouts of America? I’d be scaling the outside perimeter like a mother fucker. What is wrong with these people?

They go in further: laundry tubs with old style washboards, plants and sunflowers. Definitely looks like a hippie commune. and then We see a lady barbecuing up “something” and she turns around. Her name is Mary and she is going to offer them up a plate.

Tits on a stick!! A plate of what???!!!!!!! I can’t be the only one getting a really really bad feeling about this!!

Again the preview for next week is dubstep with intestines. Rick is covered in blood so it could be anything. I’m betting on a major death but at this point I don’t really want anyone to die. i will say right here , right now, if little ass kicker baby Judith dies I’m going to have to switch to Dancing with the Stars; and i’d rather a dog fart in my face.

Love and Sloppy kisses!!

~Shelly

The post The Walking Dead “Us” appeared first on screensnark..

Okay so like holy bajeezus! This week I and many of you got what we finanllllllly needed… A great episode!!! The last two have been “okay” with Darryl and Beth, but they are making mistakes left and right being silly and now they are split up and Darryl is with what appears to be some grim looking dudes.

This week is all about Carol, Tyreese, crazy Lizzie and Mika (or Micah? I have no idea) and of course little ass-kicker herself; Baby Judith. We see the episode open up with them shoveling along the railroad and they go off to look for food (? I think my dogs were barking at that point) And they see a house. A pretty decent house. It doesn’t look as anal and well taken care of as the cemetery house from last episode but a nice house none the less. Carol and Tyreese (an unlikely pairing) have great chemistry together and I don’t mean sexual. I mean they play well off each other. You know there is tension and a history but yet everything seems to happen organically. They actually have the forethought to “clear” the house before they let the girls come in. I’m telling you this is something that should be Zombie Apocalypse world 101. Not sitting down eating Jam and playing drinking games (I’m looking at you Beth and Darryl!).

As the girls sit there with baby Judith letting the adults make sure the house is safe, there is some pretty eerie possible foreshadowing. A little grave with bronze baby shoes. I immediately think poor baby Judith is going to bite it. I’m hoping not because as I’ve pointed out this show is little on the hope in a jar side. Baby Judith I believe, is the only beacon of hope that can bring this group back together. She is much more important than she may ever realize.

Earlier on the railroad a walker gets trapped in the tracks and as Tyreese goes to kill it Lizze begs for him not to. She is so flat out wrong about what the walkers are. Its not that she isn’t getting it, she will never get it.

This becomes evident as Carol is brewing tea in the quaint kitchen (which how awesome it this house has propane still?!!!! Again I think about this shit too much but in “The Stand” by Stephen King everyone got to “pick” a house and set it up as their own, I always was drawn to that part of the ZA ( not that it would be fun but I was always fascinated by it). Anyway Lizzie is playing freeze tag with the Walker. For christ sake. She can’t just play TV tag with Mika? they can’t just spout of “Sam and Cat, Sponge Bob, Survivor”? She has to play tag with a walker. See she doesn’t get it.

It escalates from there. Carol expresses how Sophia died and how her being too sweet is what killed her. She parallels Mika and her own daughter. Lizzie just going on with her blank expression and the differences between the two sisters couldn’t be more apparent. Mika can’t kill “alive” people and Lizzie can’t seem to kill a walker but has no problem putting a bullet in between the eyes of anyone. See there can be a healthy balance. It reminds me of “Wife Swap“. They always pick two ridiculously different moms. A slob who doesn’t make her kids bathe and enjoys they all smell like meat thats been left out on the porch for a forte night vs a super anal clean freak mom , who scrubs her children with a Brillo pad and bleach. See its ridic. You can meet in the middle. Kill walkers and kill people who threaten you.

We learn that Lizzie is the one who has been feeding the walkers back at th eprison as she returns to the railroad walker and tried to feed him. I have kids, I have 2 daughters a tad bit older than Lizzie and Mika. I know this is make believe, but I’m confident in the fact my daughters would know that a damn zombie is a damn zombie. Even on the Telltale Game “The Walking Dead” Clementine knows she has to kill Lee. She KNOWS IT!

Carol and Tyreese go off not too far to look for a deer to have as meat. Carol is not seeing the full picture of Lizzie’s psychosis. She’s not privy to all the info we have on her, or maybe she’s not looking for it. You can tell something weird is coming, there is never an ice cream sundae on this show.

Tyreese tells carol of his dreams of Karen and how he only sees a stranger killing her. I’m yelling at the TV at this point”Shut up Carol! Don’t do it”! I don’t want her to reveal SHE killed Karen (and David) I don’t think it will give Tyreese what he needs right now. They walk back to the house and we see Lizzie. Jesus Christ bananas. her hands are covered in BLOOD. yes fucking blood. I’m so worried for baby Judy. I can’t hear her and the camera pans to the ground. baby Judith is okay and Mika ids dead. I actually GASPED! This was some Breaking Bad killing Hank, ER Lucy getting stabbed, Dallas “who shot J.R.” type of shit.

Tyreese and Carol are in shock and trying to keep it together. In that one moment it all comes to fruition. Lizzie is sick, and I’m sorry this is the ZA, they don’t have time to treat her with meds even if they could find some at a pharmacy. That’s not how mental illness works. Lizzie tries to explain she wants Mika to come back, in fact she didn’t “hurt her brain” and then Carol will see.. she”ll see what Lizzie is talking about. They aren’t just undead soulless monsters, they are playmates? The fuck?

Lizzie also confesses she was about to kill baby Judith before they came up. Carol nervously points out “she can’t even walk yet”… because what the fuck do you say to a little girl lost? She convinces Lizzie to let Tyresse take Judith to the house and she can tie up Mika in case she becomes dangerous. Lizzie obliges and Carol has to obviously take care of Mika before she turns. I
m literally reeling from this. Its a gut punch. yes Lizzie has been a weird kid for weeks now and very detached, but this was hard. that was HER SISTER. I immediately think if she can do that to her sister, her only family left in this world… she can do that to ANY OF THEM. Its clear what Carol is going to have to do.

She takes Lizzie for a walk and Lizzie begins to get upset “Are you mad at me” she apologizes for raising her gun to Carol. She still ins’t getting it. There is no hope for her to ever get it. You hear off screen a single shot. Which bookends Carol’s poor sweet Sophia’s fate by Rick. (which was also a gut wrenching scene).

Carol and Tyrese are now sitting in the house talking about what happened. Carol now decides to confess what she did to karen. I really don’t know how Tyreese will react but Carol has some big balls to do this. But maybe she was sick of carrying guilt over a decision she felt just in doing? He says he forgives her but he will never forget, so that may foreshadow some shit to come. One thing is certain they must leave this house in “the grove” . They need to see if their group may be at “terminus” and so they walk on. Melissa McBride should straight up win a g’ damn Emmy for this epic yet hard episode!

Next week the previews are always so mishmash its like scenes played to dubstep, So I have no clue whats about to happen. But again “terminus” doesn’t sound like Happy, Texas.

Love and Sloppy Kisses~~ Shelly

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We are intersected also with Maggie, Drunk Bob, and Sasha. We see a little of Bob’s back story and how he was alone for so long until Darryl and co. found him. I will say the only one of this whole show whom I believe could survive alone for any amount of time is Michonne. So Bob doesn’t want to be alone and argues with Sasha they should follow Maggie when she wants to leave and look for Glenn. I agree, its suicide to go on your own, plus why would you want to live like that? I think about the Zombie apocalypse an absurd amount of time. I believe I’d want to be with a small group I could trust. I’d never need to be in a town like Woodbury or anything of the such, but alone? No thank you.
Maggie is a bit ahead of them on the railroad tracks and drunk bob and Sasha bicker the whole way about how they should be living. She believe they should find some high building (In Georgia) and grow food and shit. Bob thinks they should push on and meet up with Maggie. He has hope, which this show has little to none of.

Back to Darryl and Beth Gump. They are eating more jam and jelly and he hears the dog again, and you can see the set up coming but I still squeal. “Knock Knock” …. ” who’s there?” A BUNCH OF ZOMBIES AT YOUR DOOR! Jesus Darryl!  He just swings the door open thinking it’ll be his furry friend and its like a group of Woodstock zombies right there. He screams for Beth to run (with her gimp ankle) and the zombies push themselves in. Now this is my problem. This Apocalypse has been going on for some time now. Michonne and Rick are pretty good at “clearing” a place and they dot their i’s and cross their t’s. Darryl knows better. Is his judgement clouded with Beth? I don’t know but it annoys the piss outta me.
Beth scuffles and goes “somewhere”. Darryl goes to the basement where they embalm the bodies and fights the walkers off one by one and manages to escape yelling for Beth. He sees the book-bag full of money and jewels he took last week (don’t get me started on that??!!! Shit isn’t worth anything any more dummy). And he’s looking for her. We then pan to a car with a cross graphic on the back of it. well you know what that means? I never trust people with those Jesus fish on their cars or a cross! they are the first to cut you off, and the first to tailgate you! So I’m pretty sure its doomsday for Beth (which I’d be okay with… Darryl belongs with Carol anyway).

.. back to Sasha and Drunk Bob split up after kissing on the railroad and Maggie is way ahead of them now. There have been signs for “terminus” (which does that sound like a friendly place to head for?) “All who arrive, survive”? Am I the only idiot who thinks that sound like a damn trap? the frack I’m going there thinking its a sanctuary.

Sasha finds some building that has a loft like place in it. She looks out the window and sees Maggie taking a snooze between two walkers on the ground by an ice cream truck! I shit you not. I feel some editing was done poorly here. There is no explanation that Maggie is literally laying in dirt hanging out with walkers. But Sasha sees some zombies coming to ward her and decides to help Maggie. its exciting and gross and the two girls hug. They agree they should stick together. They finally catch up with Drunk Bob who was just plugging along the railroad, so now this whole episode for them was kinda silly since there are now a team again.

Ending scene.. Darryl is sitting in the middle of the leaf covered highway just I guess feeling sorry for himself and upset he lost Beth. And we see a group of men approach him. The leader being (Jeff Kober!! Who is never never ever a nice guy!). He is the guy from the group of bandits from a few episodes ago who Rick had to kill one of them. This isn’t good. Darryl aims his cross bow but the leader says “Why hurt yourself when you can hurt others”. So basically they are telling him to join their gang, He has no choice. Christ is there ever a moment of hope on this show? I’ve read a good chunk of the comics and they are much more rough, but this is TV land!! You have to give me a bone.

Only two episodes left…. and I’m sure there is no light at the end of this tunnel.

Love and sloppy kisses ~ Shelly

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Welcome to Animation quick look where I watch a few episodes of something animated ranging from stuff based on popular licenses to completely obscure and occasionally bizarre original stuff as well.

It’s been a rough 15 or so years to be a Star Wars fan, because George Lucas pretty much took anything anybody loved about Star Wars, pissed all over it and then set it on fire. Now it’s got some new hope (no pun intended) since Disney has bought Star Wars and has plans to re-invigorate the franchise. Would I call myself a huge Star Wars fan? Not really. I loved the trilogy as a kid, but I really only still love the first movie and the Knights of the Old Republic games on the original Xbox. I honestly never had much interest in the Clone Wars animated series (either one) but with the entire series available on Netflix, Disney launching a new series called “Rebels” soon and fans claiming that this was one of the few good things to come out of the whole prequel trilogy debacle, I thought I’d give Clone Wars a shot.

Clone Wars focuses on the time between Episode II & III, mainly around Jedi Master Anakin Skywaylker and his apprentice, Ahsoka Tano as they try to hunt down General Grevious, but does occasionally have epsiodes that focus on other characters in order to present a more rounded view of the Clone Wars.

And in the six episodes I watched, the best stuff had virtually nothing to do with the more well-established bits of the Star Wars universe. The biggest problem with something like this is there are no stakes for the major players involved. When R2 gets kidnapped, are we supposed to care(although bonus bad writing points to the idiots who had Obi-Wan act as if R2 was just some pointless droid that had no value) when we know nothing will happen to him? When Yoda is ambushed on a planet, am I supposed to care? The episodes are also filled with things that just grate on my nerves, like the fortune cookie-esque nonsense that Yoda spits out in annoying backwards talk every single line (he’s not alone in this though, nearly every Jedi master has groan-worthy lines of “wisdom”) and the droids that say idiotic lines and “roger, roger” all the time and are generally bumbling idiots. Except of course when the plot calls for them to be competent on occasion.

But it’s not all hopeless. There are no Gungans so far, for instance. And honestly the most interesting part of Clone Wars is the clones themselves. Sure, they are carbon copies but they show real depth and personality and have real stakes involved while even questioning their value as an individual and worth to the Republic. The best episode I watched by far was called “Rookies” which the Jedi were barely involved with. It was about a group of clone soldiers, some without any real battle experience, trying to survive, without any Jedi help, against highly sophisticated attack droids trying to seize their base for an invasion. It was a truly great episode and showed some of the potential this series clearly has, and it’s real strength could be focusing not on characters we already know the fates of, but ones we don’t who were more on the fringes. If the show regularly made episodes like that, it would be something special, but this is one out of six episodes, not a good average. Maybe it gets better down the line, but it’s hard to ask somebody to sit through that to wait for the “good stuff” when there are better options out there that get rolling right off the bat.

Final Rating: 2/5-Midicholorian Levels

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Never heard of it, looks goofy.  Anyhow Shelly will be watching episode 7 and Nuclear Rob will be watching episode 4.  Let’s get harpin’.

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Shelly - Okay This week the Crossing Streams , crossed over to a little ditty known as “Harpers Island”. I was soooooo excited at first because I love me some Harpers Ferry, West Virginia. I’ve been a bunch of times and literally am obsessed with the quaint historical town. I have rafted, toured, drank and hiked all through it! I’ve even invented a screenplay in my head where zombies arise from the dead and John Brown himself I have to defeat (yeah I’m “special” like that) But…… This isn’t HARPERS FERRY, its HARPERS ISLAND Shelly. (dumbass).

I believe it takes place off the Coast of Washington State (which may as well be Africa to me) and it gives you a “previously on” segment so I’m a little caught up with the history of the show. My episode was the seventh in the series and titled ” Thrack, Splat, Sizzle” . With a title like that I’m hoping for a Pizza Delivery man dick in a pizza box type of scenario, but that’s not what happens.

The main character is Abby Mills (the actress doesn’t look familiar) who lived on this island and her mom was killed on this island back in 2001-ish? There was a serial killer type running around back then and Abby’s mom was one of his victims. She is coming back from where she lives now for her best friend (a BOY! now you know you can’t be havin’ no platonic relationship with a BOY!) for his wedding. I have to say if my mom was killed on some island I’d probably never go back, or maybe I would? It just seemed weird. Anyway her dad is the Sheriff or chief Deputy Doofy in charge played by Jim Beaver!!! OMG Bobby Singer from Supernatural, I may just pee yet!

Who wants to put their face in that right about now?

It unfolds that the bride to be (played by hot little number Katie Cassidy) is grieving from the fresh murder of her father (I assume he died the episode before). The killer seems to be back or a copycat of sorts is back. She obviously doesn’t want to go on with the wedding at the moment, and guests are starting to pack up their things. Of course the plot device of the broken down ferry comes into play. Apparently no ferry can come pick anyone up until dawn? I live on an Island (GASP) we have bridges and such. I’d never rely on a ferry… I’ve seen April Fools Day (1986)… No Ferry= Certain Death.

There is a side story of a guest that looks like Chumlee from Pawn Stars and he found some drug money covered in blood with a friend of his on a boat? The friend accidentally shot himself in the woods and Chumlee left him there for dead. I swear people I’m not making this shit up, this is what really went down. He apparently never saw No Country For Old Men… you don’t take drug money covered in blood.

The acting is semi decent and the look and feel of the show is actually okay. the scenery of Washington is beautiful. Now I have no idea what it looks like other than The Killing (it rains all the god damn time) or the 4400 (Aliens come get your ass) but its pretty all the same.

Nothing is really resolved in this episode, and I suspect the whole show is very episodic and you need to watch it in its entirety to even come close to knowing who the killer is. I can tell you I’d be hailing the Coast Guard to pick my ass off from Wedding Death Island and then the show would be over.

It does seem like the killer might even be multiple people because he/she seems to be everywhere all the time. I’m not going to add this to my Netflix Tupperware because my instant streaming refrigerator is too full right now (I’m looking at you, House of Cards, for taking over my life). But If you like Gossip Girl meets Supernatural meets Revenge, this may be for you.

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Rob - For this installment of Crossing Streams I was assigned the episode “Bang” from the CBS miniseries “Harper’s Island”. I don’t really remember this show when it aired, but that is because it is on CBS and I don’t regularly watch any shows on that channel. I did a little research before watching this episode and saw that this was a single-season miniseries, which is pretty cool. It doesn’t seem like networks air shows anymore with the intention of making them a closed-loop single season.

At the opening of this episode, Netflix luckily included the “Previously on Harper’s Island” introduction, which gave me the opportunity to see Harry Hamlin cut in half, which really gave me a “wtf did I just get myself into” feel upon beginning the episode.

This show is a murder mystery that features a lot of deaths. This episode opened with a man escaping on a boat with a bag of money, but somehow the boat was booby-trapped with a shotgun that ends up blowing the guy’s head off (we both didn’t see that one coming). The show then opens with the plot of two of the presumably main characters shortly before their wedding, about to embark on their bachelor/bachelorette party for the day. The men decide to take the groom out on a fishing trip and they end up finding the dead man and his money. One of the groomsmen, who is broke after sinking all of his money into a beer start-up company, desperately takes the dead man’s money and ends up shooting a hole in that boat, thereby sinking the dead man and his boat and all the evidence that a crime had been committed. The rest of the episode for the men consists of them trying to figure out what to do with the $250,000 they found.

On the other end of things, the bachelorettes decide to hire a psychic to do tarot readings for their party, because when you are wanting to get drunk and festive, you definitely want to see an upside-down Death card staring you in the face. One of the other main characters, who I gather is returning from Los Angeles to the small town for the wedding, gives her necklace to the psychic who then sees some sort of horrible vision upon touching the jewelry.

This show wasn’t bad. The only actor I had recognized was the main guy Henry, who was on Ugly Betty (also playing a guy named Henry, oddly enough). This show definitely is not my bag, but if you like murder mysteries with a hint of horror and supernatural aspects, I would recommend it. This show definitely needs to be watched from the beginning as I didn’t really know how all of the characters tied together. If I were bored and wanted to turn my mind off for a while, I can think of far worse shows to watch than “Harper’s Island”.

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In The Devil is a Part-Timer! (yes the exclamation point is part of the actual title) tells the tale of a demon king named Satan. He attempts to take over the world of Ente Isla and nearly succeeds, but is defeated and forced to flee to another world. That world? Why modern-day Japan of course. But things are different here. Satan has no money, very little magic power, no way back home and only one of his equally powerless faithful generals to help him. So while they search for a way to restore their powers and get back to Ente Isla in order to try and take over it again, Satan has to hold down a part-time job flipping burgers to pay the bills.

The Devil is a Part-Timer! Could’ve been horribly hokey but it’s an incredibly smart comedy. Sure, there’s the usual fish out of water jokes you get from this kind of setup, but the characters adapt pretty fast and it’s pretty funny to see Satan get excited about getting a raise or getting promoted at his menial job and put real effort into it. It could probably work on this premise alone but it adds great layers with various characters from Ente Isla pursuing him, namely Emilia Justina, the hero who drove him out in the first place who also has to hold down a job while keeping an eye on the demon king and making sure he’s not up to anything nefarious.

The characters are just a lot of fun. At one point another one of Satan’s generals, Lucifer shows up and causes trouble but Satan and Emilia actually team up to beat him and he just ends up living with Satan and his other general and becomes an online shopping addict as well as a very adept hacker (which leads to a pretty funny bit where they hack Emilia’s customer service station at her regular job as an “experiment”.). There’s also a couple other genuinely interesting subplots going on such as things happening back in Ente Isla that end up affecting the human world and the fact that Satan is actually… nice? Seriously, he cares about the people of this world, especially those closest to him (which includes Emilia in an odd sort off way) and seems to actually thrive at his job which hinges on being nice to the customers. Is this from him becoming human or was it a hidden side he had all along? Or is it simply to make everybody drop their guard for his eventual attempt to take over both worlds?

In the end it makes for a very intriguing and extremely entertaining comedy, the best I’ve watched in a while. I sat through 7 of the 13 episodes and had a great time and fully intend to finish the series in the next day or so and I’m sure I’ll be very disappointed that there’s only 13 episodes to enjoy.

Final Rating: 5/5 Former Demon Kings flipping burgers…

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