Sweet Jesus! Survivor is back! Pardon me but I’ve been drinking and I have no clue what tropical locale the 20 castaways have been taken to this season. But that’s not important. What is important is the fact that we have some new twists this season. The 27th season of Survivor is titled “Blood vs Water” so we have 10 returning players and their 10 loved ones; spouses, significant others, brothers/daughters, etc.
Opening shots are of the returning players (Rupert, Kat, Gervase, Tina and Colton among the notables) with their loved ones all traveling to the island but strictly in couples, not the typical entire group of participants. As each couple arrives they receive instructions that they are to camp at their current location. The requisite OMG type reactions follow. Damn Survivor, you are so predictable.
After a rough first night all 20 players meet up with Jeff (who’s actually starting to look like he’s spent one too many nights out in the wilderness) and he quickly drops a bombshell by dispelling everyone’s hopes of playing with their loved ones as a couple. Newbies are on one team and the returning Veteran players on the other. Typical Survivor misdirection. Oh and by the way, let’s start VOTING PEOPLE OFF RIGHT NOW.
Rupert’s wife Laura gets the short end of the stick for the newbies and Candice gets voted off from the returning crew. And just like that They are gone. BUT WAIT! Jeff throws us another curve ball. REDEMPTION ISLAND, BITCH! (RIP Jesse from Breaking Bad) Candice and Laura get to live to fight another day. And just when you thought you could catch your breath Jeff Probst pulls another twist by asking Rupert if he would change places with his wife Laura who was just voted off. Rupert being the adorable, helpless romantic that he is (and zero strategy game having) quickly agrees to this deal. And just like that Rupert and his wife Laura trade places. Candice’s husband has the same opportunity but he declines. Not sure if he was playing it up for the cameras or not, but he looked like he was pretty torn about it. AND THIS ALL HAPPENS IN THE FIRST 20 MINUTES OF THE SHOW.
Candice and Rupert are going to Redemption Island and Rupert’s wife Laura is now on the Veteran team (I will refuse to remember the lame ass team names all season; not sorry). Ok, are you keeping up? Good. Both teams head to their respective camps. Good shots of both teams working together successfully. Except for one major difference. The Vets know how to make fire and the rookies do not. The newbies alpha male is an ex-nfl player named Brad (Monica’s husband) and he quickly attempts to establish an all male alliance. The Veterans team focuses on Laura trying to fit in with them and their initial disappointment that Rupert gave up his spot for his wife.
Let me state for the record that THIS SEASON IS CLEARLY MARKETED TOWARDS THE LADIES VIEWING PLEASURE. Plenty of beefcake walking around in tight undies and a definite lack of bikini models unlike in seasons past. A DAMN CONSPIRACY. And yet I solider on.
CHALLENGE TIME! One of the Survivor popular challenges. Swimming and diving and untying knots and getting your team back with a puzzle that must be completed. The Newbies kick serious ass during the physical portion (with Gervase fulfilling the stereotypical black man can’t swim to a T with an added chain smoker level of stamina to boot) but they completely choked away the puzzle portion. The best schadenfreude moment came during the puzzle portion of the immunity challenge. Basically it wound up being mothers against their daughters (who spent the preceding moments bragging in their interviews about how they were going to kick their moms asses) and yet it was the moms came from behind to curb stomp their precious little girls on their way to immunity victory. The Vets won and Gervase started acting a fool by rubbing it in their faces even though he didn’t do shit except nearly drown. Unsurprisingly, the Newbies took exception to his display.
VILLAIN WATCH: Everyone remembers Colton, the incredibly flamboyant gay southern man from the One World season. Notice how I didn’t say Southern Gentleman? Yeah, that’s cuz he’s a fucking cunt. In his little side interviews he claimed he was going to turn a new leaf. Nope. He’s still a cunt. During the immunity challenge he threatened to hit one of his female teammates in the head with his canoe paddle. I wanted her to strangle him right then and there. That being said, I like his fiance and think he will go far in this game.
TRIBAL TIME. All I got to say is this: The 5 man alliance basically was deciding between the two girls who choked at the puzzle during the immunity challenge and Gervase’s poor niece Marisa simply because Gervase was acting a fool. Seeing as Brad is running this all guys alliance, Marisa got sent packing. She was a strong player and I got to admit that I loved it when she stared back at everyone in the tribe after she got voted off and not one of them returned her stare. I say BULLSHIT. You don’t vote off a woman who looks good in her bra who is a strong contributor who had nothing to do with losing at the challenge. NEVER. I hope Brad gets voted off. Fuck you Brad.
FINAL RATING: lots of surprises +3, neat returning players +2, good villain +1, Survivor new car smell +3, lack of female eye candy -1, stupid tribal council vote -1 = 7/10
See ya next week, bitches!
