Wheel of Television is a column in which I will use a random number generator to pick out a television channel for me and I will watch whatever the wheel determines for one hour and give you my random thoughts and observations on everything I bear witness to.  Spin the wheel, make the deal!  Round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows!  NO WHAMMY NO WHAMMY NO WHAMMY STOP!


Thursday, September 19th, 2013

Time: 6:07-7:07PM

Channel: 40(CNN)

Currently Airing: Piers Morgan Live


-Fuck me, I hate this guy.  My dad will love that I’m watching the news, though.

-The guest is Billy Ray Cyrus, just defending his daughter’s actions to the death.  Have you seen what Miley has been up to, broseph?

-About Miley’s antics: “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”  Whatchoo talkin bout, Bill?

-Piers tries to get the waterworks going talking about Billy’s high school friend who committed suicide.  He came close, but ultimately didn’t fall for Piers’ bullshit.

-Another reason I hate this guy is it reminds me of all the times I was laid up in the hospital and had like 18 channels to choose from and could never sleep a wink, and at 4AM it was either boner pill commercials or reruns of this sanctimonious ass.  In retrospect, those boner pill commercials were probably way more entertaining.

-This girl is at least 10, 12 years old asking why their goldfish didn’t have State Farm insurance.  She might need to go to the special class.

-Now he’s taking to a panel about the pope being accepting of gays.  And, not to get dark, but I find myself wholly distracted because one of them is a Sacramento priest(represent!) and his background is a bridge that I’ve stood on on more than one occasion with the intention of climbing over and jumping off.  Whenever I see that bridge, it triggers bad memories in my brain, and I sure as shit didn’t expect to see it on Piers fucking Morgan.  Back to our regularly scheduled programming…

-Hell yes, talk about sad to happy in an instant.  forget all that shit, here comes Bob Newhart and his huge Emmy!  Another thing that would delight my dad.  He got to see Bob Newhart live and for all the filthy, dirty comics that I love, my old man has that over me and I’m totally jealous because he’s a god damned legend of comedy.  Newhart and Don Rickles.  They’ll both be gone soon.  So look them up on youtube and entertain yourself for hours.

-Love.  It’s what makes a Subaru a Subaru.  Did you guys know that?  That seems like some serious misinformation to me.  Don’t drive a Subaru until we figure this out.

-Newhart is 84??  Holy Moley!

–He’s so humble and said the standing ovation he received while accepting his Emmy just destroyed him.  Dude, you’re Bob Newhart.  You can write your own ticket, man.  People adore you.  You’re right up there with Carson.  Own it.

-Newhart filled in for Carson 87 times.  Damn.  not to mention Jay Leno, Joan Rivers, etc.  I wonder why that tradition stopped.  Why can’t we get guest hosts when Kimmel and Fallon go on vacation?  Imagine Amy Poehler or Tracy Morgan or Jason Sudeikis or someone filling in for a week or two.  How funny and delightful would those shows be?  When in doubt, blame Jay Leno.  He probably ruined it for everyone.

-Newhart’s favorites of today’s stand up comics: Don Rickles and Jerry Seinfeld.  Ummmm, make sure you learn about these up and comers.

-haha, this is a fucking quote “Up next, Billy Ray Cyrus performs a new song with his daughter…the other one”  What a colossal dickweed.

-That song was absolutely something I never needed to hear in my lifetime.  Stupid Wheel of TV!

-And now seven minutes of Anderson Cooper.  Lovely!

-We begin with another panel on Pope Francis’ acceptance of homosexuals.  I’m more concerned that this is even a story, let alone on both shows I watched within this hour.  The Pope wants to cut back the hate and others are saying ‘heyyyyyy, wait just a second, these are faggots we’re talking about” and it’s ridiculous to me.  Good people are good people.  Accept them.  Whatever, haha, this is not how I anticipated the wheel of TV.

-Wheel of TV, you did me wrong!


  • noman

    “When in doubt, blame Jay Leno. He probably ruined it for everyone.”

    words to live by.