Friday, November 22nd, 2013
Currently Airing: Lock Up: New Mexico
-Yep, nothin better on a Friday night than watching a bunch of these scary motherfuckers try and kill each other. Beer me, please.
-I wonder if this is where Walter White would have spent his final days. Spoiler Alert. Walt has had final days already.
-The guards are finding plastic molding ripped off the stools, which is probably somewhere being melted down into shanks. I don’t want to be there. Or here. Watching them watching me.
-Neck tattoos are a prerequisite at this particular establishment.
-When I said scary motherfuckers up there, I was on point. If the word ‘motherfucker’ offends you, I’m sorry. These are some no good scary motherfuckers.
-”I’ve stabbed officers, I’ve sliced officers, I’ve thrown feces and urine bombs at officers” Well, ain’t this guy a peach?
-Gotta admit, I never envisioned the term “feces and urine bomb” to make its way into this column. TV, man. Fuckin A
-This show does a better job of making me want to be a good person than Beyond Scared Straight. This looks horrible.
-A nurse got fired for having inappropriate contact with an inmate. “He’s the best thing that ever happened to me and I wouldn’t take it back” The inmate: feces bomb guy. God dammit, lady. Well, he has a pretty sweet mustache.
-Damn, three days from release, you need to be a choirboy, man. You can’t be cussing these guards out and getting three more months. Idiots.
-Jesus, this dude lit his cell on fire and then hid under a blanket with his head in the toilet and when they came in to help he took the fire extinguisher from the guard and started wailing on him. Scary motherfuckers indeed. Don’t fight in the middle of a burning room!
-So Feces Bomb and the nurse find a loophole that if they get married then she’ll be allowed to visit him there. I think these crazy kids are gonna make it, you guys.
-Man, after a week in the hospital-where they take care of me and are nice to me, I start to feel a little insane. Like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. I have no earthly idea how I could handle prison. Forget it. These motherfuckers would eat me alive.
-We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already joined in progress.