Saturday, October 5th, 2013

Time: 9:39-10:39PM

Channel: 57(FX)

Currently Airing: Hancock

-I just finished off a 3 and a half hour game between the Tigers and A’s where it was 0-0 in the 9th.  You were either going to get slightly inebriated FURIOUS Joel or slightly inebriated ELATED Joel.  Well, Woo hoo, motherfuckers!

-Hancock?  Crap.  Kind of a whammy there, wheel.  I thought we were doing alright.  Why you gotta do this to us?

-The first two thirds of this movie weren’t all that bad.  The sole existence of Charlize Theron’s character negated all of that. Good for me that I’m smack dab in the third act here.

-Sons Of Anarchy promo.  Hey bros and she-bros, Do you like the Walking Dead, Breaking Bad or Dexter but find them entirely lacking in violence.  Boy, do I ever have the show for you.

-I love in superhero movies how randos get thrown hundreds of feet through buildings and glass and walls and nobody gives a shit.  That dude probably had a family, liked to Barbecue and watch the Raiders on Sundays, teach his son how to play guitar…that was a person, man.  and you just threw him through a building.  If he isn’t dead, he isn’t moving a muscle anytime soon, because you broke every bone in his body.  Hancock is a dick.

-I still don’t quite understands at the end of the movie here.  I won’t spoil it for you guys that haven’t watched this, like, 8 year old blockbuster, but I’ll tell you that it’s fucking dumbass.

-I still have a while to go here.  I bet you a million dollars, it’s another superhero blockbuster, or some giant action movie.  I know you, FX!

-Orrrrr, it’s Hancock again.  wonderful.  This is like when my mom took me to see Gremlins as a kid and we got there late and watched Gremlins and then sat there and watched it again because we missed the first fifteen minutes.  I was like 7.  I DID NOT want to watch Gremlins again!

-They said Hancock’s big stunt of heroics taking out the car in the car chase opening action set the city back 9 million dollars.  Watch it on youtube.  I’ll wait.  That shit cost way more than 9 million dollars.  by like, 10s of millions, easy.  He’s a careless drunk superhero, and kind of awesome.  as I said, it falls apart, but the first act is fun as hell.

-Holy shit, Buddy Garrity is in this?  And he isn’t buying what Jason Bateman is selling.  Free medicine.  There’s no Obamacare in Hancockiverse.

-The image of Hancock stopping a train is easily the coolest image of the movie.  It’s all downhill from here.

-I want one of these KFC Go Cups now.  They look legit for $2.49

-Spaghetti Madness Thursday just sounds like a fantastic idea.  With meatballs and everything.  Shit yeah.  Bateman’s family has solid traditions.

-You’re starting to sense that I’m hungry again, aren’t you?  That happens in these columns.  I just horfed down a bag of chili cheese Fritos while watching the ballgame.  I’m okay.  God forbid the day the wheel lands me on the Food Network.

-Question: Joe’s the comic book nerd on staff.  Tell me, How does Hancock get fucked up pass out drunk?  He’s basically the Incredible Hulk.  How much whiskey is this guy drinking to get in that state?

-Ha, nevermind.  The scene where he throws the bully five miles into the air might be the best scene.  And Hancock just lands on places and completely destroys the environment.  Like, people have to drive on this cul-de-sac, man.  And you just mangled it to drop in and say Hi.

-These American Horror Story: Coven promos don’t scare me at all.  Oh a snake is just going into a girls mouth until it disappears.  Nothing weird there.  Stop it, AHS!  Right now!  I will not be covering that show.  I’ll leave it to my weirdo staffers that are into that kinda shit.

-You know why I like Hancock, the guy?  Because Nancy Grace is on the TV talking mad shit about him and FUCK NANCY GRACE FOREVER!

-I pressed my luck and landed on $400 + a spin.  Not too bad.  No Whammy!

–Welp, that’s about enough of that shit.  I return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already joined in progress.