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Joe - So, Dawson, Joey, Pacey, etc. etc. I’ve made it to almost age 34, without seeing a single solitary second of this show, and unfortunately that streak has come to and end courtesy of Crossing Streams.

Quick synopsis, Season 6 Ep 2, Dawson FINALLY fucked Joey last episode, and now they’re dealing with some morning after shit. Not Morning After pill shit, but just with the shit that young, affluent white people deal with the morning after they fuck. Pacey (seriously, Rust Cohle should have been named Pacey Witter on True Detective. It’s only marginally more ridiculous.) is gonna be a cutthroat stockbroker, and he has a goatee. And the other people are doing other things. Oh, and it’s Joey’s 19th birthday. She gets pissed that Dawson fucked her even though he had a GF, which ruins her surprise birthday party, and then they break up again. Probably would have been a fairly realistic way to end the series.

What’s more fun is to imagine this episode fitting in to other versions of the actors and their characters.

1. Dawson is devastated by Joey’s attitude, and it affects his entire outlook toward women. After all, he was a Texas state champion QB who doesn’t want your life. This leads him directly into The Rules of Attraction, and OHHHHHHHHH NO FUCKING WONDER HE’S SO FUCKED UP.

2. Joey realizes that she totally blew it. Dawson was hopelessly in love with her, and she just showed him the door. How to fill the colossal void in her life that he left behind? Oh hai Tom Cruise, wait you want to marry me, but you’re 5’1″, what do you mean 5’1.5″, wait Scientology what’s that, you want me to what for four hours in front of paparazzi cameras, well okay we should probably get divorced. Small wonder she ends up married to Adam Sandler in one of the worst films ever made a few years later.

3. Wait, Pacey’s going to be a stockbroker? Pacey, I’d like you to meet someone, his name is Jordan Belfort. By the way, have you ever tried qualuudes? Don’t worry, everything will be fine. Yes, that’s Jonah Hill’s penis.

Fantastic. Love it, much more than the show. I guess it’s really not THAT bad. But a few other things. It’s funny to watch shows from the early 2000s now, they were just so cavalier about what would now be considered blatantly offensive gay jokes. There were at least four of them in this episode! Maybe one doesn’t catch my attention, but four, holy fuck! And also, the trope about leaving a note on a pillow the morning after you’ve fucked a girl. THAT CANNOT EVER WORK. WOMEN INSTINCTIVELY WAKE UP AND SMELL BLOOD THE MOMENT YOU MOVE IN THE MORNING. This is fact. It was nice that they ran it all the way back to reveal that Dawson was actually breaking up with the “girl he’d been seeing” (only white people refer to it as that) when the note said he “went to get breakfast”.

Look, it wasn’t horrible. Maybe not even as bad as I expected it to be. But I just couldn’t see devoting years of my life to something like this. I guess I’ll never be a teenage girl, FFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

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Rob - I have never willingly watched a teen drama. From an early age, I was mainly a comedy nerd or a cartoon nut. When I got to college in 1994, most of my television viewing consisted of MTV or Sportscenter. I began to watch more dramatic TV as I left college, so perhaps I just missed out on the genre of teen drama. It never interested me in high school. Some of my fellow students were watching 90210 at the time. I remember My So-Called Life made a huge splash on MTV. None of those shows interested me for whatever reason. I seem to remember thinking that those shows weren’t “cool” (as though I even knew what that meant, I was and still am pretty uncool).

When “Dawson’s Creek” began, I was 21 years old and about to finish college. It definitely was not on my radar at the time. The only real exposure I had to the show was when James Van Der Beek was in “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” and claimed that Jason Biggs “wouldn’t last a day on the Creek”. I was pretty sure that this show was not my cup of tea. So when Crossing Streams told me I had to watch an episode of “Dawson’s Creek”, I once again begrudingly accepted. Episode 12 of season 1 was my assignment. “Beauty Contest”. The short description on Netflix says “Joey and Pacey enter a beauty pageant”. Hoo boy, what am I about to get myself into? Isn’t Pacey Joshua Jackson? How do I words?

So it appears that this show revolves around four kids in this small coastal town. There’s Dawson, Joey (short for Josephine, played by Katie Holmes), Pacey (Joshua Jackson) and Jen (Michelle Williams). Jen and Dawson used to have a relationship but now they are just friends, and Dawson is just friends with tomboy Joey, but this episode is going to change all that after Joey decides to enter this dehumanizing beauty pageant in order to try to win $5000. This episode basically stole the plot from “She’s All That” (or maybe vice versa since that movie came out shortly afterwards), where a previously unnoticed nerd (because Katie Holmes is obviously very plain and unnoticeable) gets glammed up and all of a sudden pants are tight.

All of the characters seem to come from humble lower-class backgrounds. Pacey and Joey enter this contest because they need money to extract themselves from their current situations. Joey wants to go to a college that is on par with her feminist intellect, so she ends up prostituting herself in order to win that cheddar. Pacey has a rough homelife and he wants to emancipate himself…the $5000 would be enough money to move out and rent a sweet place on the water. He pushes for equal gender rights and is allowed to enter the competition. Dawson turned both of them on to this contest as he is a volunteer for whatever reason. Jen decides to help Joey in her quest to win the prize and attempts to become better friends with her rival for Dawson’s affection.

The dialogue and plot of this show are just ridiculous. I don’t think I can enjoy teen dramas anymore because the storylines have absolutely no gravitas to an adult. Watching this episode, all I could think was “It Gets Better” or “I get why the writers are trying to influence kids’ perceptions of things, but c’mon”. And I’m sorry, I just don’t buy that people would think Joey was ugly because she is “tall” (didn’t know 5’9″ meant you were a Shrek-esque ogre in 1998).

Joey ends up singing (more like caterwauling) a song from Les Miserables. Pacey decides to perform a magic act as his talent (I thought it was a huge copout to not have him dress in drag), but he is told that he has no chance of winning the competition. He ends up changing his act to a dramatic performance of the “FREEDOM” speech from Braveheart. Uber-cringeworthy. Joey ends up winning runner-up as she sacrificed her dignity for a coupon to the spa. She would’ve given up less dignity by blowing a sailor in a back alley.

It was cool to see this foursome at such young ages. They are all right around my age (James is 38, Joshua and Katie are 35, Michelle is the youngest at 33) which means they were in their early 20s at the start of the show. It was great to see the styles that “kids” wore in the late 90s, as Michelle Williams often dressed like a mom. And it was cool to see Dawson’s mom played by Miriam the Vestal Virgin from “History of the World Part I” (see, I’m a comedy nerd, that would be where I’d recognize that actress).

I don’t think I’ll be watching another episode of “Dawson’s Creek” (on purpose). If you like teen dramas, have at it.(ed. note You bet I will!)

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Obligatory outro pic

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Never heard of it, looks goofy.  Anyhow Shelly will be watching episode 7 and Nuclear Rob will be watching episode 4.  Let’s get harpin’.

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Shelly - Okay This week the Crossing Streams , crossed over to a little ditty known as “Harpers Island”. I was soooooo excited at first because I love me some Harpers Ferry, West Virginia. I’ve been a bunch of times and literally am obsessed with the quaint historical town. I have rafted, toured, drank and hiked all through it! I’ve even invented a screenplay in my head where zombies arise from the dead and John Brown himself I have to defeat (yeah I’m “special” like that) But…… This isn’t HARPERS FERRY, its HARPERS ISLAND Shelly. (dumbass).

I believe it takes place off the Coast of Washington State (which may as well be Africa to me) and it gives you a “previously on” segment so I’m a little caught up with the history of the show. My episode was the seventh in the series and titled ” Thrack, Splat, Sizzle” . With a title like that I’m hoping for a Pizza Delivery man dick in a pizza box type of scenario, but that’s not what happens.

The main character is Abby Mills (the actress doesn’t look familiar) who lived on this island and her mom was killed on this island back in 2001-ish? There was a serial killer type running around back then and Abby’s mom was one of his victims. She is coming back from where she lives now for her best friend (a BOY! now you know you can’t be havin’ no platonic relationship with a BOY!) for his wedding. I have to say if my mom was killed on some island I’d probably never go back, or maybe I would? It just seemed weird. Anyway her dad is the Sheriff or chief Deputy Doofy in charge played by Jim Beaver!!! OMG Bobby Singer from Supernatural, I may just pee yet!

Who wants to put their face in that right about now?

It unfolds that the bride to be (played by hot little number Katie Cassidy) is grieving from the fresh murder of her father (I assume he died the episode before). The killer seems to be back or a copycat of sorts is back. She obviously doesn’t want to go on with the wedding at the moment, and guests are starting to pack up their things. Of course the plot device of the broken down ferry comes into play. Apparently no ferry can come pick anyone up until dawn? I live on an Island (GASP) we have bridges and such. I’d never rely on a ferry… I’ve seen April Fools Day (1986)… No Ferry= Certain Death.

There is a side story of a guest that looks like Chumlee from Pawn Stars and he found some drug money covered in blood with a friend of his on a boat? The friend accidentally shot himself in the woods and Chumlee left him there for dead. I swear people I’m not making this shit up, this is what really went down. He apparently never saw No Country For Old Men… you don’t take drug money covered in blood.

The acting is semi decent and the look and feel of the show is actually okay. the scenery of Washington is beautiful. Now I have no idea what it looks like other than The Killing (it rains all the god damn time) or the 4400 (Aliens come get your ass) but its pretty all the same.

Nothing is really resolved in this episode, and I suspect the whole show is very episodic and you need to watch it in its entirety to even come close to knowing who the killer is. I can tell you I’d be hailing the Coast Guard to pick my ass off from Wedding Death Island and then the show would be over.

It does seem like the killer might even be multiple people because he/she seems to be everywhere all the time. I’m not going to add this to my Netflix Tupperware because my instant streaming refrigerator is too full right now (I’m looking at you, House of Cards, for taking over my life). But If you like Gossip Girl meets Supernatural meets Revenge, this may be for you.

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Rob - For this installment of Crossing Streams I was assigned the episode “Bang” from the CBS miniseries “Harper’s Island”. I don’t really remember this show when it aired, but that is because it is on CBS and I don’t regularly watch any shows on that channel. I did a little research before watching this episode and saw that this was a single-season miniseries, which is pretty cool. It doesn’t seem like networks air shows anymore with the intention of making them a closed-loop single season.

At the opening of this episode, Netflix luckily included the “Previously on Harper’s Island” introduction, which gave me the opportunity to see Harry Hamlin cut in half, which really gave me a “wtf did I just get myself into” feel upon beginning the episode.

This show is a murder mystery that features a lot of deaths. This episode opened with a man escaping on a boat with a bag of money, but somehow the boat was booby-trapped with a shotgun that ends up blowing the guy’s head off (we both didn’t see that one coming). The show then opens with the plot of two of the presumably main characters shortly before their wedding, about to embark on their bachelor/bachelorette party for the day. The men decide to take the groom out on a fishing trip and they end up finding the dead man and his money. One of the groomsmen, who is broke after sinking all of his money into a beer start-up company, desperately takes the dead man’s money and ends up shooting a hole in that boat, thereby sinking the dead man and his boat and all the evidence that a crime had been committed. The rest of the episode for the men consists of them trying to figure out what to do with the $250,000 they found.

On the other end of things, the bachelorettes decide to hire a psychic to do tarot readings for their party, because when you are wanting to get drunk and festive, you definitely want to see an upside-down Death card staring you in the face. One of the other main characters, who I gather is returning from Los Angeles to the small town for the wedding, gives her necklace to the psychic who then sees some sort of horrible vision upon touching the jewelry.

This show wasn’t bad. The only actor I had recognized was the main guy Henry, who was on Ugly Betty (also playing a guy named Henry, oddly enough). This show definitely is not my bag, but if you like murder mysteries with a hint of horror and supernatural aspects, I would recommend it. This show definitely needs to be watched from the beginning as I didn’t really know how all of the characters tied together. If I were bored and wanted to turn my mind off for a while, I can think of far worse shows to watch than “Harper’s Island”.

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So when the randomizer landed on The Adventures of Young Indiana Jones I was pretty psyched at first.  I had nothing but fond memories of watching the series as a kid.  Just to start off I’d like to say that I was…..disappointed.  That’s the nicest way of putting it.  The most realistic description is that I was bored out of my mind.  Since I can remember as a child I’ve been an Inidana Jones enthusiast.  Growing up we didn’t have MANY movies, but I always had my brother’s old ass VHS Star Wars and Indiana Jones tapes.  Just around the time that I was very much getting into these amazing films, a television show came on that chronicled the adventures of a Young Indiana Jones.  It was so exciting.  Every episode felt like the length of a movie, too!  Though I was very young so I don’t recall specifics, I specifically remember loving the program.

So now I went into this experience with a very open heart, ready to reconnect with a childhood favorite.  Unfortunately that’s just not what happened.  To start off with the show felt like a full movie as a kid because it IS a full movie, at least lengthwise.  90+ minute episodes, something I don’t generally have time for.  Or maybe I do have the time, I just never really feel like committing so much time to watching something.  It’s totally a hypocritical mindset because I’ll sit down and watch 3 hour long episodes of something on Netflix.  Maybe it’s because I like the freedom of being able to jump out whenever, as opposed to a movie where you’re committed to watching the fucking thing.  Anyhow 90 minutes I sigh, but still I sit down expecting to see some top notch action, maybe even enough to keep my two year old son somewhat entranced.  What I got instead was 90 minutes of some of the most boring, mundane pseudo-espionage crap I’ve ever seen.  Indiana Jones is all about action, they’re action movies through and through.  Moving from one big action set piece to the next, exhaustively until the movie is over, never wasting a second.  This show featured almost no action whatsoever.  It was 99% very unriveting dialog about spies and Indiana Jones being in love with a girl.  Blergh.

To be PERFECTLY honest I didn’t really follow along very well.  Indiana Jones is trying to get close to a Turkish general or something to get him to side with the Allies and……it’s a total snoozefest.  Before long I found myself on the ground playing with my toddler’s toys rather than pay attention to Indiana Jones promising to marry some Turkish gal or other.  Checking my phone, almost nodding off.  I did not enjoy this nearly as much as I thought I would, as much as it greatly saddens me to say.  A few things wrong with the series, Sean Patrick Flanery as Indiana Jones.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s a capable actor and I enjoyed him in The Boondock Saints as much as the next pinhead, but he just never feels like Indiana Jones to me.  He’s a handsome young dude, but just doesn’t pull of a cocky young Indiana like River Phoenix did in The Last Crusade.  Maybe it’s because I already associate River with the role, but I still feel like he did it better.  So the main actor is off, that’s bad news, and maybe even worse is the writing.  There’s no excuse to make Indiana Jones boring.  Maybe they couldn’t afford big action sequences on a tv show back then, but they should have found some way to make things exciting.  It was an exciting era with an exciting character.  Maybe I just watched the wrong episode, but there was not an exciting thing going down in the ep I just watched.  Maybe if they couldn’t make Indiana Jones exciting, they shouldn’t have been making an Indiana Jones show at all.  Except they had stupid kids like me watching so….whatever.  Final verdict is a don’t waste your time.  Even if you’re like me and adore the fuck out of the films.

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Rob – I must preface this review with some blasphemy: I do not like Indiana Jones. I have watched the films a few times and something about them just does not interest me. Perhaps it is the time period: I do not have a lot of interest in the early 20th century. Or perhaps it’s the action sequences? I can appreciate some of the famous scenes and dialogue from the series, but overall, I would not choose to watch an Indiana Jones movie and do not enjoy them when I catch them on TV.

With that said, I was not eager to perform this Crossing Streams assignment. I vaguely remember when this show aired at the time in 1992 and I had no interest in it then. Much to my shock and dismay, I loaded the episode up on Netflix and discovered that it was 95 minutes long! This show was a two-hour program on ABC? WTF. But Joel is a cruel mistress, so I had to proceed.

I will admit that I did not pay full attention during this viewing, but I could not help it. It was boring. Clearly the show was aimed at a younger crowd; after all, it is “The Adventures of Young Indiana Jones” (or “The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles”…I’m not sure what the true title of it is supposed ot be). Sean Patrick Flannery plays young Indiana, and has an early 90s surfer haircut that somehow still seems realistic for the time period of the show (the 1910s). This particular episode took place during the Bolshevik Revolution in Austria. The show does a solid job of physically portraying the time period, as the costumes and set design were fantastic. The show appears to borrow the John Williams score throughout the episode. If only the show had the budget to borrow better actors and screenwriters. The dialogue was incredibly dry and uninteresting, and it was delivered by mediocre actors.

It seems to me that the show producers were trying to capture young and old viewers by using the nostalgia of the time period as well as the feel of the movies, but by using younger actors, it feels like we’re watching a fantastical young people adventure but without any true gravitas. The storyline places Indy in a real-life historical event, but the whole episode comes out like a boring ham-fisted history lesson for children. The whole time I was half-watching this show, all I could think was “this actually entertained people?”.

Sean Patrick Flannery’s Indiana Jones has no charisma and just can’t carry the role and Harrison Ford is so iconic that this is a near-impossible task. This show also lacked some of the elements that make the Indiana Jones movies so much fun. There was no recovery of ancient artifacts. No face melting. None of the spirituality and mysticism. It was like a boring re-telling of a historical event. I suppose that if you really really enjoy Indiana Jones, this show would be a good fix for you.

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Just a forewarning, this article is going to be graphic.  It’s about a show that involves middlecore fucking.  Gigolos is a half hour program on Showtime about 5 different gigolos around the Las Vegas area.  An extremely simple premise that within that one sentence should tell you why this is a guilty watch. Just some dudes fucking for cash.  The cast is made up of Brace, a probably mid to late 40 year old man that tans excessively and bleaches his hair to look like some sort of leathery beach bum that missed out on 30 years of maturing.  Nick Hawk, a beefcake whose body is so consumed by tattoos that he’s dangerously close to permanently covering himself in blackface.  Vin, who might have named himself after Vin Diesel as he looks somewhat like a version of Diesel with slight down’s syndrome.  Ash, a darker skinned gigolo with long flowing hair straight off the cover of every shitty romance novel ever.  Lastly there’s Bradley, the newest Gigolo out of the group who thus far into the series appears to be one of the most normal.

Now into it’s 5th season I feel as if I have a pretty good grasp of the gigolos’ styles.  Vin, as he claims in the show’s intro, is the “feminist” of the group.  As such he’s one of the more caring, giving gigolos.  A normal Vin date will consist of him effectively making the woman feel interesting, beautiful, and safe to be themselves.  Then jump cut and he almost always starts the sexual encounters by eating out the client followed by your average sex stuff.  Ash is all about spirituality and will go on for some length about the lady’s inner beauty.  He’s the yoga guy, so yeah.  He will find an assortment of interesting positions and seems to be very in tune with the woman’s pleasure.  Bradley, being the new guy, is harder to pinpoint his exact technique.  He seems to be about having fun, being a former small town guy and marine, it’s a way for him to unwind.  Emotionally he also seems to be on the Vin and Ash line of getting in touch with his client’s feelings.  Then there’s Brace.  Brace is a lot of viewer’s favorite gigolo.  He isn’t extremely bright and mostly only cares about Brace.  Emotionally he’s all about himself and what he’s getting out of any situation.  When he’s having sex with a woman, he thinks he’s giving her the best gift god put on this earth.  Finally there’s Nick Hawk.  Nick is definitely the most aggressive of the gigolos.  My friend and I refer to him as Nick COCK, because that’s how he spits out his name.  He’s just a roided out guy with tattoos on his dick who could give a fuck about anybody.  If a woman pays him, sure, he’ll fuck them.  He seems pretty distant, and doesn’t do much besides the fucking.  If he indulges a fantasy, he’ll do it in his own way that’s probably not what the client wanted.  Both Brace and Nick are terrible when it comes to connecting with women on a level beyond fucking.  They just show up and are like, “Alright you got the money?  Alright, you may suck my dick now”.  They all consistently claim that the job entails more than sexual intercourse, but Brace and Nick are too into themselves to truly connect with a woman.

I watched two recent episodes so I could do a quick recap and maybe give you an idea of what the show is.  The first episode’s first segment is a pretty straightforward sex meet with Vin and a lady.  She’s a sex coach of some kind, and has Vin attach a chin dildo to his face.  How humiliating, there’s absolutely no way to rock a chin dildo that approaches dignified.  I suppose the lure of the chin dildo is that you can fuck the chick with your chin while licking the top of her vagina.  But if you’re sliding your chin in and out of her pussy, can you really effectively lick what you’re supposed to?  I think with the movement of the head combined with trying to use your tongue in a specific way would cause a major headache.  Otherwise if you’re just doing the eating out part, then you would be leaving the dildo sitting in her snatch like a lifeless dong, simulating sex with John Wayne Bobbitt post cut.  You might as well just shove a cucumber up there and go to town.  How about a vibrating chin dildo?  That could work.  I’m positive that already exists though.  Do people like Bruce Campbell ever just use their god given enhanced chins to fuck girls?  Burning questions here on Screensnark.  Anyhow, Vin isn’t having the chin dildo and he puts a stop to it pretty quick.  Then normal sex and yadda yadda yadda.  Then we go to one of the show’s “touching” stories.  These occur fairly regularly wherein a girl who doesn’t find herself attractive, or a girl who’s gone through rough times tells their story and then get reinvigorated on life with a generous helping of gigolo dick.  This is one of the former, a client who doesn’t feel pretty because she’s middle aged and her eyes are kind of wonky.  Still, she has a banging body for her age and I would personally have sex with her.  That’s not saying much though, as I would have sex with MOST things.  Anyways, the gigolo chosen to help bolster her confidence is Brace.  An odd choice, usually they go with Vin for these types of dates.  They go to a photo session where she has her makeup done and takes flattering shots.  Brace doesn’t really try to connect with her in any way, as he just repeats how beautiful she is ad nauseum before jackhammer fucking her.  He spouts some nonsense about her vibe without any real conviction beyond “I’m getting paid to say these things”.  Finally Nick Hawk dresses like a cop for a new client with a cop fetish, complete with fake mustache.  He then drives around until he sees the client and pulls her over, arresting her, and taking her to a hotel for….cop sex.  Definitely a corrupt cop.  Couldn’t he get in trouble impersonating an officer in public like that?  It was a new client too, what if he pulled over the wrong lady in the same car and pulled that stunt?  I imagine there would be repercussions.  Nick Hawk has many sex toys available for purchase, and he uses this opportunity to promote his Nick Hawk keyless handcuffs.  The second episode I watched wasn’t focused so much on the dates as it was a rap battle between Nick Hawk and Vin.  Nick fancies himself a rapper, some of which we’ve seen in past episodes, and it isn’t pretty.  Vin is critical of Nick for his lack of talent and because of his whiteness.  Vin himself isn’t really black, but I guess he does identify as an African American.  I can’t in good conscience call him black however as he’s lighter in complexion than Mario Lopez.  The dates start off with Vin fucking a strange lady in a room chock full of balloons popping everywhere.  Pretty standard fare really.  Bradley banging a tomboy lady after hitting some balls in a batting cage.  I swear they just included this segment so they could put, “Bradley gets ballsy on a date” in the episode description.  I don’t even recall the last date, and I watched the episode like an hour ago.  If I was more professional I might have written this shit shit down, but alas.  Finally we get to the rap battle, and Vin beats Nick Hawk pretty easily.  Nick doesn’t have any flow to speak of, just says things that vaguely rhyme.  Vin admits in the episode that he was in a rap group when he was 15 years old, so I guess he’s got years of experience working for him.

The appeal of the show, at least for me, is because it’s hilarious.  Vin’s probably the most likeable gigolo in the group, but Brace is definitely the star.  His half baked philosophies are so simplistic and amazing.  If Brace had a podcast I would start listening to podcasts.  Hilariously when I pitched this article to my friend who watches this show he initially claimed that he didn’t think this show was necessarily a guilty watch.  Then he watched an episode that had, among other things, a lady putting makeup on Nick Hawk’s swinging dick to cover up his dong ink.  My friend was then able to admit that yes, this probably isn’t the type of show you tell your mother you watch.  Now, like most other reality shows in existence, the legitimacy of the accuracy of the events depicted within the program is certainly questionable.  In fact sometimes it’s painfully obvious that things like this would never happen in real life.  That’s par for the course, unfortunately, of “reality” television so you take it with a grain of salt.  At least it isn’t HGTV where it’s staged people looking at houses, or some other mundane bullshit.  If the program is fake, at least the nudity is totally real.  Some of the tits you see might be fake, but if you’re like me, you never REALLY get tired of seeing different ladies shed their clothing.  So, if you can stomach corniness, naked women, and a fair share of penis, and want a laugh I would recommend Gigolos any day.

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For our inaugural Crossing Streams article the show that was landed on is…..Breakout Kings.  A quick google search tells me that this show was an A&E original drama series that revolved around U.S Marshals tracking down escaped convicts and employing the help of currently imprisoned convicts in return for a reduction on their sentence.  I won’t actually be writing about the show, I’m more of the overlord of the process.  I’m Dr. Faulkner trying to keep Squirrel and Stubs within the bounds of the dome.  The two subjects this week will be Rob who will write about episode 4 of season 1, and Shelly who will be writing about episode 5 of season 2. A fun premise and the show sounds like a fun enough premise, if a little unbelievable.  I don’t recognize anybody in the cast except Jimmi Simpson who’s a McPoyle on Always Sunny in Philidelphia.  It says here that he plays a convicted pedophile.  Damn McPoyles.  Anyways, here’s Crossing Streams ladies and gentlemen.

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Rob – For the premiere assignment of “Crossing Streams” I drew episode 4 of season 1 of the show “Breakout Kings”. I couldn’t tell you what channel this show airs on if you held a gun to my head; my guess would be TNT? (note: it is on A&E) I wanted to see this show without any biases, so I did not look up any show descriptions or episode synopses until after I watched the episode. I decided to write my review as a stream-of-consciousness.

- The episode begins with a camera crew filming a documentary at a prison. They point to a cordoned-off section of inmates and make a point to let the viewer know that those prisoners are BAD NEWS BEARS. Cut to a scene with one of those inmates fashioning some sort of escape device. Is this guy one of the breakout kings? The guy bent a wire hanger and put a pencil eraser on the end of it and painted it black with a pen.

- The next scene, this guy takes his wire hanger and puts it over his ear. OHHHH, he made a makeshift earpiece and somehow manages to steal a uniform and escapes from the prison in the guise of a camera crew member. Genius! This must be the worst guarded prison in the US.

- Cut to a female in a prison waiting for a visitation that never comes. This is Serinda Swan, according to IMDB. Wow, she is purdy. She looks like a mix between a young Elizabeth Hurley and Debi Mazar. She steals every scene she’s in.

- Cut to a scene with the main cast. Ok, apparently THEY’RE the breakout kings. So what is the point of this show? It seems that these characters are a group of inmates who help out the US Marshals office when it comes to people breaking out of jail. I guess these people are experts at breaking out of prison?

- Jimmi Simpson gets the “…and Jimmi Simpson” credit in the opening credits and he deserves it. He knows exactly the kind of crappy procedural he has signed up for and he takes it to the limit.

- We find out that the guy who escaped from prison is a convicted pedophile. I call bullshit immediately as the guy is way too normal-looking and handsome to be a pedo. /Rob-logic

- The team heads to the school that this guy used to work for as a counselor and lo-and-behold, they find him there as he tries to make contact with one of his victims. What are the chances? He manages to constantly evade the crack team of breakout kings up to the prescribed amount of time per the procedural formula.

- Jimmi Simpson’s character was a psychologist. I would like to know what crime he committed. I will have to google this. But he’s a darn good psychologist, so good that he figured out that this escaped convict does not exhibit the classic signs of a convicted pedophile!

- Cut to a side-story involving the team leader, a US Marshal that just can’t take a vacation because he’s tied to his job. I wonder if he’ll be divorced by the end of the season.

- What do you know, Jimmi Simpson was right. He and an agoraphobic member of the team re-interview the victim that the pedo tried to get in contact with. Turns out she was actually molested by her own father but ended up pinning it on the school counselor. How she managed to divulge this secret to Jimmi Simpson, I have no idea, dude looks creepier than most TV pedophiles.

All in all, I ended up enjoying this show by the end of the episode. It is a classic procedural-type show. This episode felt like a Law & Order: SVU storyline. The premise has a twist with the criminals-catching-criminals angle and feels forced and mostly unrealistic. Perhaps it gets better in season 2? As I don’t watch procedurals, I don’t see myself watching any more of these episodes, but I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend it to anyone who likes these types of shows. The cast is pretty solid and the storylines are catnip if you like criminal mysteries.

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Shelly – Our new feature here at screen Snark is called “Crossing Streams” which was for me, very much like solving a mystery in and of itself. usually SLIW and Switch Hitter assignments I’ve seen a clip of the show in question here or there. Not so with the first Crossing Streams. Breakout Kings was all new to me, I think I saw a commercial on A & E? I’m not even sure what network it was originally on. But it has now found its home on Netflix which I love. Netflix for TV watching folks, is where its at. You can watch at 3 am if you can’t sleep, in your jammies, when you’re sick, wherever you want. And you can binge watch and its safer than binge eater (trust me).

I was given Breakout Kings season 2, episode five; Self Help. The mystery unfolds at the beginning in a “minimum security” prison which reminds me of Orange is the new Black (please season 2 premiere soon!!) We see an inmate get into a scuffle with another inmate but its just a grand ruse for his real purpose. There is a planned false anthrax attack on the prison, and the original inmate has a racial suit delivered and he changes into it in a side utility room. (seems unbelievable but I’m not a stickler for reality in most shows anymore).

Flash to Brooklyn (Brrrrrrroklyn– I can’t say Brooklyn without screaming Brooooooooklyn in my “authentic” Brooklyn accent) We see a team of sorts and I assume these guys and two girls are indeed “The Breakout Kings”. They evidently get tips from all over the country when prisoners breakout and again I’m assuming here, they have skill sets that help figure out how the prisoner broke out and how to retrieve them. I’m not real clear on why the cops aren’t used or FBI or a plethora of of other agencies, but again I’m going with it.

I recognize two from the team but really only one. I thought Brooke Nevin was AJ Langer.. Rayanne Graff from “My So Called Life” , no such luck, although she’s due for a comeback any day. And then there is Jimmi Simpson. You know him, you’ve seen him in a million things, he looks like young less drunk and bloaty James Spader. I first saw him in the Emmy Deserving (lol) mini Series Rose Red. (Side note I don’t really care how bad a Stephen King television movie is, it deserves an Emmy, its Stephen King).

Turns out the prisoner is some huge self Help guru Ronnie Marcum (he’s not Tony Robbins) and likes to brainwash people along the way. He’s a really bad dude and turns to murder during his breakout. Again with some believability  issues, but I accept because most shows are written like this now. I will say the acting is pretty solid and Jimmi Simpson is pretty strong if not teetering on overacting. The writing doesn’t bother me, hell its not a bad show. There are a few things at the end of the episode which make it clear it would be helpful to watch the show in its entirety. I’m confused and lost but that’s the point of Crossing Streams, i can fill in the spaces like mad libs.

Then the show gets wacky because after murdering a few people and kidnapping Ronnie breaks back into jail…. Apparently Ronnie is one step ahead of me and planned this all. No fingerprints anywhere on his excursions and he was furiously looking for “something” which turns out to be a tape of him confessing killing a kid when he was 17. Maybe I didn’t watch close enough but I’m a little confused (as per usual). The Breakout Kings themselves are ex cons trying to shave off time from their sentences. I’m getting it now, its been a slow hour but I’m getting it.

I may have to go back to the beginning and watch this, I’m intrigued but truly don’t have any more love on my TV plate. Maybe I can save Breakout Kings for a rainy Netflix day, which is what Netflix and this show are perfect for.

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So there it is, not hated but not loved.  A decent show that you might want to check out if you’re bored one day and can’t seem to find anything else on Netflix.  Until next time, be excellent to each other, and party on dudes. – Cameron

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 11:00 - Madden 11 – Alright, I know that this isn’t a television show.  But it’s something that it  is on my television and I would like to show you.  The Super Bowl is tomorrow and let’s get in the spirit.  First off, I think EA is a shitty company.  Each year a new Madden game is released and each year there is only tiny, gradual improvements.  Graphically, gameplay, and atmosphere-wise.  This last Madden game is one of the worst offenders, EA promised dynamic sidelines and all sorts of neat features that were not delivered in the final product.  They played it “safe” and released the same fucking product with minor graphic improvements.  As a result I don’t buy new Madden games hardly ever.  I mean, hell, the only people really do get them every year is for the updated rosters.  It’s a shitty extortionist system and I don’t support them.  THAT BEING SAID, the games themselves are still fun.  I’ll play Super Bowl mode as the Seahawks vs the Broncos.  Wilson vs Mann…oh wait.  Outdated rosters, Hasselbeck vs Orton.  I’ll play as the Seahawks because I don’t really like the Seahawks and I fuckin’ suck at this game, so if I lose at least I’ll have the consolation that the Seahawks lost.  Then I went and fucking won 14-10.  At least I’m a winner.  If you’d like to congratulate me, I take personal checks and sexual favors.

12:50 pm - Porn – I got my son down for a nap and er, I’ll uh, spare you guys the details on this one.

12:52 – Kroll Show – With the kid asleep I’ll burn through some shows that I’m not really comfortable watching around him and my wife doesn’t want anything to do with.  The Kroll Show is pretty unpredictable, and I’m a huge Nick Kroll fan.  It is hit or miss, but that isn’t saying anything.  Calling a sketch comedy show “hit or miss” is one of the laziest fucking things you can do, it’s obvious as shit.  Of COURSE it’s hit or miss, I can’t think of any sketch comedy that’s a hit every time.  This show hits pretty well sometimes.  It’s probably an acquired taste, not quite as good as The Human Giant was, but the comedy is in the same odd vein.

1:55 – Mitt – Turning to my Netflix list I was about to start the series Friday Night Lights that I’ve had in there for a very long time, and my friend Joel has been bugging me about forever.  I came so close, but decided I didn’t want to watch something that I’d need to fully invest my attention to, as I’m playing through Metal Gear Solid 2 on my Playstation Vita and just want some background noise.  I wasn’t a huge fan of Romney, but I’ve heard good things about this documentary and thought I’d give it a shot.  It goes back 6 years tracking his run for president the first time in ‘06 to his ultimate loss in 2012.  I’d agree with most of the things that I heard about it, Mitt actually comes across as a likeable, family-oriented human being.  The Mitt we saw leading up to the 2012 election was not nearly this relatable and came across very android-like.  If he was packing Data’s strength along with his emotionless face, I would have voted for him in a second.  Early on in the film, within the first few minutes Romney is polling his family on the pros and cons of running for president.  One of his sons says that he thinks his dad’s got a good shot if people got a real sense of who he is.  I think that’s a real problem with the campaign.  Even if it doesn’t seem to matter to the welfare of the country, people like to know their president is packing a personality.  Mitt shows his personality here, he makes fun of his own hair, he’s a fan of O Brother, Where Art Thou?.  I can’t help but feel like if this kind of documentary had come out before the election, it might have been an even closer race.  I still would have voted for Gary Johnson, though.  I’m a rebel, open your eyes sheeple!  *dons leather fedora and Guy Fawkes mask and raises fist*  Also………..if you guys didn’t know, that last part was sarcasm.  I figure most of you will know, but I don’t want any percentage of you thinking I could be that level of douche.

4:00 – John Mulaney: New In Town – I love John Mulaney.  Sometimes he guest stars on The Kroll Show in a segment as an old Jewish guy and he cracks me the hell up.  I’m watching this with my son up because I figure that John Mulaney looks like he’s 12 and he’s generally pretty clean.  He throws out a few f-bombs in there, but mostly it’s okay.  Some of my favorite moments from this comes from John ripping on Law and Order: SVU.
6:00 – The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh – Fuuuuuuuuuck!  Fuck!  You guys, you seriously don’t and will never understand how much this movie drills into my brain like the slug in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn.  My son has seen this movie AT LEAST a dozen times and he still requests it every time I ask him what he wants to watch.  Pooh sounds like an old lesbian.  So does Rabbit.  And Piglet.  Why are they all old depressing lesbians?  Eeyore is literally just depressed, like that’s his thing.  What kind of childhood imaginary play toy is a depressed ass?  I guess Tigger is the “cool” one because he’s weird, but his idea of fun all revolves around fucking bouncing and hanging around Kanga, who I think is like 4.  Christopher Robin, you’re a psychopath and I hate your toys.

Please no!

9:00 - Black Sails Series Premiere – This is okay.  It’s not amazing, you don’t NEED to set aside time for this new show, but it’s pretty entertaining.  It follows the adventures of Long John Silver when he was younger and just went by John Silver.  It’s Starz so there is plenty of sex and violence, and it doesn’t seem too over the top.  It seems to glorify the pirate life a little bit, maybe not as much as the Pirates of the Caribbean movies or anything.  To bring things back full circle with my wife, we were watching a lesbian scene in this show and she mentioned that it was getting her kind of hot.  I accused her of homosexuality, and she claims that getting turned on by girl on girl stuff doesn’t make her gay.  What?  HOW is that not gay?  Girls get away with that sort of shit far too easily.  If we were watching Dude, Where’s My Car? and I told my wife that the scene of them making out at the stop light was getting my dick hard, it would be totally gay.  So to re-iterate, my wife is not racist at all and is entirely heterosexual in nature.  I need to tell myself these things as I go to sleep tonight.

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 11:00 A.M. – House Hunters- Obviously my wife has the remote, I’m generally not a fan of HGTV.  I especially loathe seeing these richer couples nitpicking houses that I would murder people for.

A young couple with money.  Yay, my fuckin’ favorite.  First house costs $499,000, right in their range.  The guy complains that the 4 car garage would barely fit 4 cars.  Douchebag, my one car garage barely fits my one car, who needs 4 cars anyway?  You ain’t Jay Leno.  They get inside and start complaining about such arbitrary bullshit such as the knobs on the cupboards.  I love that they’re considering throwing almost half a mil at home and are stopping short because of some easy as hell DIY projects that would take ten minutes and cost less than ten dollars.  The backyard is incredible, even they are suitably awed.  It’s on a lake, and they have lots of property and 2 docks.

Second house costs $469,000.  They just love the hardwood.  Hardwood floors are ALL the rage the past few years, I don’t really get it.  Maybe I’m old fashioned, sometimes I just like sitting on the floor and the floor being….not hard.  So this house is like a mansion 30 minutes outside of town.  She feels it’s too isolated.  I guess I feel her, but it’s a fucking MANSION.  It’s got like 100 acres.  That’s so much space where you could patrol for trespassers and shoot.

Wow the third house is only $369,000, how extremely reasonable.  Holy shit only a 3 car garage?  This dude’s furious.  Obviously a crazy nice house that they’re nitpicking about bullshit like number of windows.  Ugh, die.  Now the part where they sit around and discuss the pros and cons.  I hate this segment so much, because it’s all bullshit.  HGTV finds couples that are already under contract with a place, then parade them around to two other places and act like it’s all some kind of a big decision.  Anyhow, they “chose” house number 1 and I hope they get a devastating divorce soon.  They’re insufferable as humans.

 11:34 – Handy Manny, TV time for my son.  He requested Pooh, but he’s 2 and I can overrule him.  Not that this is better, I’ve just seen that particular Pooh movie at least a dozen times now.

Manny’s a Mexican repairman with Mexican tools that are alive, and sometimes they speak Spanish.  They had to fix a speaker in a music studio so we got some corny song.  I don’t mean to say that this show has a racial agenda, I just think it’s strange that the one white character is more like a caricature of a white person in a black person’s stand up comedy act.  He’s a creepy looking balding guy who owns a candy store and treats his cat like a baby.  No big deal.

 12:03 PM- Bob the Builder does something or the other.  I don’t care.  I think I’m gonna zone out for a couple hours now.  If I paid attention to every show my kid watches I’d turn into Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

1:30 - Seahawks Vs Saints game.  Not much to say about this one.  I’m a little conflicted, on one hand I’m tired of the Seahawks.  I live in Eastern Washington state, where most people hate the people of western Washington, Seattle in particular.  Washington’s actually a very conservative state besides Seattle, and as a result people here mostly shun Seattle sports teams.  I’ve always been a Mariners fan, and I know a few others.  However despite living in Washington I could count on one hand the number of Seahawk fans I knew BEFORE this season.  All of a sudden, now that the Seahawks are rocking it, EVERYBODY’S a fucking Seahawks fan.  It’s annoying.  On the other hand, if the Seahawks make it to the superbowl, since I work in retail, that day would be SUPER dead.  I love to not work, so that would be nice.  Anyways, Seahawks win.  Yayboo.  Also, I was recently talking to a friend about this, my kid LOVES football.  It’s pretty strange.  I’m not a hardcore fan, but he’s absolutely captivated by every game and even does a hardcore hip thrust and yell of “Football!!” everytime I change it to a game.  He’s a masculine child.  Daddy couldn’t be prouder.

Totally normal fanbase

5:00ish – Thomas the Train – Hero of the Rails – Back to kids’ programming.  Shoot me.  This show, I don’t get it.  I don’t know what kind of visual crack they’re putting in there to enchant two year olds. This blog covers most of the adult cynic complaints I have about the show, particularly the role of the “drivers” on the trains.  They really are just a subservient race on the island of Sodor, always subjected to the brunt of the train’s constant poor decisions’ consequences.

5:30 – Attempt to change to the Patriots-Colts but my son freaks out and demands I change it to Daniel Tiger.  The fuck, kid?  I just got done singing your praises.  Et tu, Lucas?  I’m a weak willed parent, so whatever.  I’ll just browse the internet while Daniel Tiger learns about the importance of sharing.

6:06 – Football!  Patriots beat the Colts, I had no dog in this fight so I don’t care one way or the other.

8:40 – The Best of The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross.  Yes, I DVR this show.  Watching Bob Ross is very therapeutic for me.  There’s nobody on earth that projects more genuine kindness and general positivity as Bob Ross did.  Maybe Mr. Rogers.  Just listening to him saying all these little folksy things as he paints is great, “Maybe this tree needs a friend, they get lonely too you know”.  Truly a wonderful man.

Saint Ross

9:06 – Marvels’ Agents of SHIELD – Ugh, this show.  I don’t know why I stick with it.  Because I like Marvel characters and I really WANT to like this show.  I know it’s a comic book tie-in, and as such they can’t have their protagonists ripping people apart with uzis, but it feels so corny that these high end government agencies are infiltrating buildings and punching people until they get knocked unconscious.  I’ve been in a couple fights in my day, you know how hard you have to hit to knock someone unconscious?  Usually pretty fuckin’ hard.  Anyways we see Agent Coulson actually died and is resurrected through a floating Star Wars brain surgeon machine while he lays there begging them to let him die.  So you can’t shoot people, but you can see brain prodding while someone begs for death?  The fuck, ABC?

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Rapaport plays Darryl Crowe, kind of the head of the Crowe family based down in Florida.  Dewey gets a $300,000 settlement from his mistreatment at the hands of Raylan in a fun courtroom scene and then we’re introduced to another Crowe, Dilly.  Dilly kills a coast guard in a drug deal accompanied by a Cuban who acts as this episodes’ one off nemesis for Raylan.  Finding the Cuban is Raylan’s main motive for going down to Florida and teaming with David Koechner.  He fails to see his ex-wife and child, even though he was given the opportunity for some reason.

Ultimately the trip to Florida was to introduce us to Darryl, who appears to want to keep the Crowes together, even if it means murdering one of the more incompetent cousins.  Now he’ll be heading to Kentucky most likely to see Dewey and what he can squeeze out of three grand.  Dewey’s always acted as comic relief more than anything, but I’m excited to delve into another one of Harlan’s deep and dirty criminal families.

Boyd’s arc this episode was all over the place.  He loses his Detroit connections, and takes Wynn Duffy on a road trip to Detroit to get some product.  Maybe I’m dumb, but some of this is confusing as fuck as immediately one of the Tonin gang’s top guys kills Sammy Tonin.  The guy, Picker, explains that he had to or the Canadians would kill him.  So Boyd meets the Canadians, Dave Foley and Will Sasso, and they reject Boyd’s business too.  Disappointingly the two Canadian comedic actors playing Canadian gangsters weren’t even funny.  They didn’t even seem necessary to the story, as I was never even aware of the Canadian connection to Detroit in the first place.  So now Boyd has to go through Picker to gain some Mexican connections.  This all felt extremely rushed.  In other fronts Boyd is unable to bribe or intimidate the judge presiding over Ava’s case, so he instead tries to bribe the judge’s important funeral home director friend.  This also fails and Boyd ends up beating the man to death in front of his hot younger wife.  He has to pay off this bimbo now, too.  Don’t lose your cool, ladies and gentlemen.  It could lose you a hundred g’s..

Overall, I’m very glad Justified is back.  I love the gritty atmosphere, and all these characters.  The Boyd stuff didn’t really click for me this time.  Raylan was cool as always, if not a little hard to understand, and Michael Rapaport has me excited as fuck to develop another worthy adversary for Raylan and/or Boyd.

Three out of Five stars

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Overall this is a series that I really enjoy.  It is heartfelt and genuinely funny.  My only real complaint is that sometimes it feels like it’s squeezing you for cheap emotions.  As the show is set in an old folks home, they’re able to kill off a character almost every episode.  Normally the viewer doesn’t have any real emotional attachment to said character, we just get bombarded by a crying Derek telling us what great people they were.  Having this possibly autistic character crying nearly episode and spouting cheesy lines about how kindness is the answer for everything naturally evokes some sort of feeling.  Perhaps my biggest issue is actually that these things are coming from Ricky Gervais, one of the most polarizing comedians on the planet.  He plays the saint on this show, then straightens out his face and rips mercilessly on old people, fat people, and most of all, religious people.  Anyone who follows Gervais on any social media can tell you that he probably makes at minimum 3 unnecessary jabs at the stupidity of religion and the people that believe in it.

Seriously?

However, this should not take away from the experience of watching this program.  I still enjoy Tom Cruise action films, and that guy is bananas.  It actually can be very genuinely heartfelt, and getting further into the series you do start to know some of the characters dying off.  There’s a constant humor present throughout each episode, and the overall message of the show is pretty good too.  Be kind to people.  Altruism isn’t something that needs to be looked on with a sneer.  It’s pretty simple, people that do good things are good people.  It’s a point that’s pretty fantastically illustrated in this program, and I’m looking forward to series 2.  (Series 2 being season 2 in British.)  In the meantime I’d like to see if I can get my internet pals Joe and Shelly to understand that kindness is magic.

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Joe

Derek is Ricky Gervais’s unexpectedly touching new single camera comedy vehicle, airing on some ridiculous Brit channel across the Atlantic, available on Netflix (and pirated download) in the states. Prior to this, I had never seen a minute of the show, but following Gervais on Twitter it gets difficult to ignore the near universal praise that the show seems to receive. In between Ricky’s endless and humorous tweet critiques of Christianity and his shilling of David Brent live shows, there are infinite comments about how tremendous Derek is.

First, after watching show after show clock in around 42-55 minutes (looking at you, Masters of Sex) it’s instantly refreshing to know that this episode is only around 24 minutes. All killer, no filler, right? It’s understandable that prestige dramas need to be longer, but there is an element to the short comedy episode that forces the point to be made quickly and effectively, or else all of the juggled balls fall out of the air.

The show is similar to The Office in that it is filmed mockumentary style, following the employees and inhabitants of a small retirement home occupied primarily by low income residents. There seems to be an inordinate amount of deranged or mentally troubled people in the building, but having only seen one ep, I can’t tell if that’s actually the case or if it’s just the intense British-ness showing through. The home is facing financial trouble and is likely facing closure, so it is up for review by some bureaucrats from a vague government agency. Gervais plays Derek, a possibly autistic pseudo-employee, and is accompanied by the kindhearted but no-shit-taking Hannah who runs the facility, and the ever aggressive Dougie, who has every skill except social skills.

The points here are made clear almost immediately. The first is that within any organization or grouping of people, if you peel back the layers of the onion, you’ll expose both examples of the elegance of human relationships and uncomfortable and unavoidable failures of everyday life. Anyone who ever has been through an audit of any type knows, the auditor is going to find shit. Nobody’s perfect, and rarely are people even close to perfect. But if people are going to expect perfection out of human beings, they’re not only going to be disappointed, but they’re also not close to understanding the point.

The second point is delightful in its simplicity. It’s okay to be nice. It’s all right to be kind. Altruism can exist. You don’t have to be an asshole. Sarcasm is fine sometimes, but other times, just try being genuinely pleasant. Is it the true meaning of life? Just be nice to people. Do nice things.

I do have to say that I have a little single-camera comedy fatigue, after multiple seasons of the British Office, the American Office, and Parks & Rec. It’s pretty obvious that this show wouldn’t work as a traditionally filmed multi-cam sitcom, but it would be nice if Gervais began exploring other techniques that haven’t been so prominent recently. Especially since he was so responsible in popularizing the single-cam mockumentary style in the first place.

But overall, this is a touching display of TV that brings with it emotionally elements that aren’t typically present in comedy. Yes, I accidentally watched Ep1 instead of the Pilot, in case there’s anyone left that hasn’t figured that out yet. But I’m very much looking forward to seeing the Pilot, and then finishing the first season.

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Shelly

Wow! I was pleasantly surprised when Cam picked “Derek” airing on Netflix for us to watch this week. Number one I must confess my secret crush on Ricky Gervais. I know he’s not your “typical” beefcake-y heart-throb, but I am hot for him. I love that I can only understand every third word he says and I love his whimsical and different outlook on life, and of course his humor. Having said that, I was over the moon happy to take on Derek.

I was also so thrilled its on Netflix. I love me some streaming Netflix. I don’t have to download shit, I don’t have to DVR stuff and explain myself why I’m DVR-ing it, and I can watch it in the middle of the night if need be.

Derek follows Gervais as this understated Health Care worker in the UK (obviously) in a nursing home. It looks as you’d expect it to look. I’ve had some experience now with the elderly and their care so I was happy to see this setting. Old people used to scare me but now I know they are people like you and I who have lived sometimes full and exotic lives. At some point your body and mind get tired but you’re still inside, if that makes sense.

Derek has a weird walk as if there might be a limp, and he has an under-bite that reminds me of my Shih tzus (whom I adore) and he is weird and odd and endearing. He has a friend in the facility: Dougie , who seems almost as equally odd and unintentionally funny He is the care taker of the facility and also Derek’s flat mate. And there is Hannah, a pretty woman who seems to be in charge of the facility. We get to know her background in an organic way. The interesting part of this show is that it’s like “the Office” (That Gervais created) in a Mockumentary style. There is a film crew there to capture their stories. Seems to make perfect sense. I mean if Honey Boo Boo has a show, why can’t these British nursing home workers?

The show is short, only 24 minutes but I feel you get super character development IMMEDIATELY. I feel I already know the three main characters. Derek clearly loves Hannah but isn’t creepy or stalker-ish in showing it. She thinks he is a great person, and Derek is. He loves these elderly patients. He gets to know them and their idiosyncrasies. It’s amazing to get to know people. I know I know, a lot of people say the world is doomed, but it’s not. People are what makes this life worth living, and I love learning about other people every day. Some are bad and some are good, and some of us are neither but just trying to figure it out.

Derek loves reality TV so he is thrilled with the film crew being there. i can’t relate because although I love TV and even the branch of some reality TV, I don’t ever want to be documented in any way, shape or form. I’m a weirdo private person and I would never think I was fascinating or good enough to be filmed. Derek himself comes off as almost autistic at times but annoying like Dianne Kruger’s character on “The Bridge”. Derek says he believes it’s more important in life to be kind instead of being clever and good looking. I think this should be put on every diaper in America. So many people are so caught up in how “smart” they think they are or how hot they think they are, when in fact they are making up lies for all that they lack. Derek is indeed actually kind so he needs to make up for nothing.

i will be watching the whole series and Thank you so much Cam for introducing it to me! The only thing it lacked at all is subtitles as they are Uber British like Harry Potter and I had to rewind a few times! Damn ‘Muricans

5/5 Fish n Chips!

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My own personal encounter with the fandom came through one of my closest friends.  It was through him that I first heard about the show and subsequently heard about “bronies”.  Of course this was hilarious to me, so I immediately adopted the term and applied it to myself.  I became a Brony.  Ironically, of course.  A grown man wouldn’t actually enjoy it, I thought.  Yet, the more I interacted with my friend, the more he would mention the show.  In fact he would mention specific things happening within the show that led me to believe that yes, he actually watched it.  This is also a friend that I look up to in many ways.  One by one, other friends in that social circle started to become a Brony for real.  I consider myself open minded, so I figured, “why not?” and started to watch it when it became available on Netflix instant.  Vibrant artwork, not at all unpleasant to look at were my first thoughts.  Simple corny stories, some decent music, and after some time spent watching it, even some laughs.   Yes, after some time spent with the show it started to dawn on me, “I like this!”.  I don’t know what drew me in.  Maybe it’s the overall pleasant nature of it, it’s in such stark contrast to everything else I watch.  Game of Thrones, you like a character?  They’ll probably die soon.  The Walking Dead, you like a character?  They’ll probably die soon.  Sons of Anarchy, you like a character?  They’ll probably kill an innocent child and inject heroin into a recovering junkie.  I think you get the picture.  Everything I watch is so dark, even though I love them, it’s nice to have an escape.  So I proudly started to call myself a Brony, non-ironically.  I started having Google+ Hangouts with my friends wherein we’d watch new episodes on youtube.  I even went as far as to tell my co-workers about my new found quirk.  Basically, I took something that I might have enjoyed slightly, and way overcompensated because I didn’t expect to like it.

I’m also not sure when I became self-aware similar to skynet.  I looked at myself and realized exactly how hardcore I was, as a mid-20s male, into this show made primarily for little girls.  Maybe it was when my friend Sam wouldn’t stop saying “everypony”.  Maybe it was when my friend Sam gave me two My Little Pony dolls as a gift, as if that was something I’d ever want.  Maybe it was when my friend Sam proudly showed me how he groomed his pony dolls, so their hair was more accurate to what you’d see on the show.  Or Maybe it was just when I realized how fucking weird such a huge chunk of the Brony fanbase is composed of really is. Like these people.

Yikes

I’m scared!

An activity book for kids based on a show for kids?  Preposterous! 

My Little Pony pornography started rising in popularity, in about the same fashion that my metaphorical boner for the show wilted.  I mean WTF, this isn’t what drew me to this show.  Sexually, I’ll admit that I’m into some weird shit, but a million pictures of cartoon pony pussies honestly did nothing for me.  So I shunned My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic for a while.  I lived in as much denial as I could about my Brony days, similar to a former prostitute trying to make a new life for themselves.  I took the time to raise my son, and eventually he started to get into television.  As opposed to when he was just a little immobile thing I could set on the ground while I watched Die Hard, now he started needing specific things to hold his interest.  We watched almost everything for children on Netflix.  Mickey House Clubhouse, Thomas the Train, Daniel Tiger, Sesame Street, all of it.  One day, just recently, after being frustrated of being forced to sit through Daniel Tiger for the 5th time I decided I’d put on My Little Pony.  The colors and songs that drew me into the show also captivated my son.  Forget gender expectations, he’s 2 years old and likes what he likes.  I also realized, I never hated this show.  I hated what the fans had done to it.  I may have gone far overboard initially in my enthusiasm, but I also may have went to far in my distaste for it as it’s still a quality program for a kids’ show.  I don’t know if I’d consider myself a Brony now, maybe a Brony Light.  It’s definitely a guilty pleasure that I wouldn’t watch without a child.  Anyhow this is my connection to this show, it’s my turn to choose, and I’m excited to see Joe and Rob become 20% cooler.

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Joe

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. It’s a show for children. I’d say it’s specifically for children ages four to six, but my daughter isn’t two yet, and she enjoyed it well enough to repeatedly ask for an encore. I suppose boys could enjoy it as well as girls, but it’s a tough age to have your developing manhood questioned, so if I had a son and he came to me and said, “dad, I don’t want to watch the ponies anymore”, I’d be cool with that. But hey, my future son wants to watch the ponies, I won’t stop him.

One audience that the show is not decidedly intended for is adult men. Bronies should not exist. I can only imagine two scenarios in which grown men would watch this show without the accompaniment of children.
1. They are a part of some mutant strain of hipster, using blatantly faux-homo childish behavior to form a quasi-elitist anti-cult of the post-bullied. High school (junior high?) was soooooooooooo unbearable that the only possible reaction is to ironically watch an animated children’s show in order to throw it back in the face of ultra-masculine tormentors. Nope, going out into the world and being successful while a majority of the ex-jocks never make it out of the hometown, stuck forever slamming pitchers of cheap beer at Wednesday bowling league and reliving the same athletic successes and failures of their youth isn’t good enough. Instead, the über-oppressed have to put together some kind of satirically strange sect of the socially subdued who are perpetually out to prove that being a man means nothing, or at least doesn’t mean what society says it does. It’s okay guys, we’re not in high school anymore. You can go play D&D and eat your boogers and I swear, no one is going to kick your ass and take your lunch money. You don’t have to be a practicing phony-pony pedophile to prove that the worth of “manliness” is exaggerated. The enlightened among us already understand, and the neanderthals that remain aren’t worth converting.

2. Unless…you really are a bunch of thinly veiled pederasts. You’re a bunch of dudes watching a show designed for little girls. You can see how we’d mistake you for kiddy-porn watching, windowless rape van-driving, candy-offering minor-fuckers, right? From what I’ve seen, a lot of you fit the profile, so you might want to avoid anything that calls attention to your unrepentant love for underage children. Sick fucks.

If you have a kid, watch the show. The songs aren’t bad, there’s a straightforward story that’s easy for kids to follow, and there’s some jokes thrown in for the adults every few minutes. But grown dudes watching by themselves? It’s not cute, it’s fucking creepy. We can’t be friends, we can’t even be hipster-companions.

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Rob

When I first found out that I had to watch “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic”, I immediately groaned. Then I realized what I love about the Switch Hitter: it forces you out of your comfort zone. I likely would’ve never watched this show, and now I finally get to see what all this brony crap is all about.

Well unfortunately, after watching the final episode of season one, entitled “The Best Night Ever”, I am no closer to understanding exactly how one becomes a brony. It must be similar to how someone becomes a Scientologist; something about the material causes one to develop a cultish following for it. I don’t envision this happening to me.

The episode begins with the ponies’ excitement over attending the “Galloping Gala”, a fancy royal horse party. One horse uses magic to turn an apple and mice into a horse-drawn carriage, but their cat scares the mice-turned-into-horses away. Then there is an amusing joke where the ponies wonder who will pull their carriage, which is funny considering that they are horses.

Then it cuts to the ponies in a salon preparing for the gala and this episode starts to lose me. Why do “bronies” like this show? It appears to be aimed squarely at young girls. There doesn’t seem to be adult double-entendres that are common among a lot of cartoons. It is excessively feminine and would seem to be the complete antithesis of something that “bros” would be into.

The whole point of this episode is that the ponies had a pre-conceived notion of how the party was going to be and each one of their conceptions was completely wrong. They thought they were each going to have “The Best Night Ever” but the party ends up being the worst night ever. At the end of the episode, they are eating at a donut shop, reminiscing about how awful the night was when the host of the gala comes in and lets them know that it was indeed a great party and that their presence livened up a normally-stuffy event. They end up enjoying themselves at the donut shop.

There are some interesting messages the show is sending to young girls. There are elements of “treat me like a princess” in this episode, where at least one of the characters wants to be treated like a classic princess. I’m not sure if this is par for the course for this character but she ends up having that turned on her head when she meets a Prince Charming who is even more hoity-toity than she is. This episode also seems to be saying that when you go to a party, you should act like yourself, no matter how obnoxious and out-of-place that behavior may be. And then, in summation, the episode ends with the lesson that you might as well avoid going to parties and instead you should just hang out with the friends that you already know, sending a basic message of xenophobia.

Perhaps I’m reading too much into this children’s show. Or maybe I’ve completely missed something in the brony appeal of “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic”? I am glad that I was made to watch this though. Perhaps one day I will understand how one becomes a brony. For now, I’m just a jabroni.

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