DVR Demon is a column in which I run you through all the bullshit that happened to escape my DVR on any given day. I’m hardly ever current on any shows, so who knows what the fuck you’ll find in here.

Also, if you’re a dildo about spoilers, tread lightly

Jimmy Kimmel Live “Andy Samberg; Malin Akerman ; Laura Mvula performs”  As he does every year, with great degrees of success, I may add, Jimmy Kimmel puts 1000 dollars on the line for who he thinks will win Dancing With The Stars.  Kimmel’s pick this year: Amber Riley.  As someone who watched the premiere, I can tell you he could have done a hell of a lot worse than that.  And in one of late night’s greatest recurring bits “Lie Witness News”, his reporter took to the streets of Hollywood to ask passersby what they thought about the DWTS finale.  People were not fans of Jimmy’s dance style, and some, much like myself, thought it was just tasteless that Leah Remini danced without a shirt on.  hahaha, these fucking people, man.  Keep up the good work, Jimmy.

Andy Samberg is his usual affable, unassuming self.  The interview amounted to not much of note, however.  He just got engaged and Jimmy just got married, so the bulk of the conversation was about pre wedding minutiae.  He did drop one truth bomb: In high school, he had shoulder length silken hair and looked like the freshman from Dazed and Confused.  I would kill to see that picture.  what the fuck, Jimmy.  Y’all are supposed to have that stuff ready.  Even Leno is a champ at that and Jay Leno is the devil.  Don’t make me compliment Jay Leno, man.  He reveals that one of his first working gigs was on Charlie Sheen’s version of Spin City, because “Fuck Michael J Fox.  That guy’s an asshole” so he hope’s to follow in Charlie’s footsteps of binging on drugs and women, alienating his coworkers, having a stage 5 meltdown, getting fired, going on an abysmal comedy tour, getting roasted and then getting a new show.  Because that’s what you do.

Malin Akerman is out next and damn, she’s pretty.  But she’s already been naked in every role I’ve seen her play and isn’t exactly lighting the world on fire with her acting, so who really cares?  They spend a while talking about her new baby, and she lets us in on an old family secret remedy.  A pretty off the wall disgusting ass old family remedy.  when your baby is constipated, rip off a stem of parsley, dip it in some olive oil….and just start poking around in your baby’s little asshole and he’ll be pooping in no time.  What the fuck, Malin, too much.  I absolutely want to see every one of you try this now and report back to me, ASAP.  She’s there to promote her new sitcom, Trophy Wife.  If I wasn’t a television critic, I would probably avoid this show at all costs.  So if you’re not a television critic, avoid this show at all costs.

Lastly, Laura Mvula performs.  She is some soul sister/African hybrid from Great Britain.  I did not care for her very much at all.  I found her whole song obnoxious.  Ugggh, I’m starting to fear that I’m turning into my father “It’s all just noise!”  Nuh uh, I would retort, these songs are amazing.  But these days, more often than not, I’m finding myself in the noise camp more than the amazing camp.  Hopefully that can change soon.  Also, women should never ever be bald.  You look like a cancer patient.  and if it turns out that Laura Mvula has cancer, I’m going to feel fucking horrible about that.

DVR Demon.  I watched this shit.  Now you don’t have to.