Tuesday, October 1st, 2013
Currently Airing: Miami Monkey
-WTF is this? I’ll bet a million dollars this show is not nearly as fun as its title would suggest
-Oh, it’s a show about a bar where a bunch of hot chicks work practically naked. I can work with this.
-Except for one thing: The boss lady’s name is Big Ang and she sounds like the daughter of Clint Eastwood, Robert DeNiro and a carton of Marlboros and she looks like this:
-I can’t even, I just can’t.
-These ladies are hot. I want to go to this bar. Although not the ones that are dripping with spray tan
-So the bar DJ, Nate is trying to get with two chicks there: A hot little blonde haired blue eyed number and a fiery latina. They’re both smokin hot and hate each other because they want Nate’s Nutz.
-Naturally, Nate invites them both to go paddleboarding on Saturday because Nate’s a dumbass. You don’t get looks and brains, ladies. Gotta choose. Hasn’t Nate ever seen any sitcom ever? You gotta run back and forth between dates, not invite them to the same date. Rookie mistake. This should be fun.
-Meanwhile, over in Disgustiworld, Big Ang takes her superstar hottie bartender Morgan out for a photo shoot, and barks instructions at her through a fucking traffic cone. I’d show you this as well, but I’m never posting a pic of Big Ang again. Also, I spared you a full body photo and her tits are planetoids. Know what? Be right back, barfing.
-I haven’t eaten yet today. These Subway commercials are taunting me.
-So Big Ang shows back up at the bar sloppy ass, belligerent drunk, and everyone is furious with Morgan for hanging out with her and letting her drink. How’s that work? Morgan is hot, and haters gon hate, I guess.
-VH1 knows its demo. 90% of these commercials are for beauty care products. Maybe it’s you. Maybe it’s Maybelline, or maybe you’re just busted.
-So Cristina shows up to the big paddleboard date and Ryan gets super pissyface and mopes on the beach. You want Nate’s Nutz, this is a good start. You could learn from Cristina
-So yeah, Ryan steams on the beach while Nate and Cristina basically bang one out in the water. Is Nate my dude? Nate might officially be my dude.
-Could’ve been worse. I pressed my luck and landed on a Miami vacation for 2. Let’s go to the Monkey so I can console Ryan.
–Welp, that’s about enough of that shit. I return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already joined in progress.