Okay guys I know Im behind in The Amazing Race, so this will be a mashup of eppys 2, 3 and 4! Sheesh real life is kicking my fantasy TV life ass! Like WTF?
In eppy 3, the NFL superstars came in last because they had a nightmarish experience in the airport. Those airport delays are a nightmare for me. I’m not a fancy person who travels all the time so I hate airports. I am a weirdo who thinks everyone is a terrorist and every plane is made out of Legos, so I’d be freaking out with all this air travel on this show. The NFL guys never even left Lisbon. The main mission in this eppy was either to put beautiful tiles together or do some math figuring out how many miles Magellan traveled around the globe. Haha Mr. Shelly would have picked math and I would have said “fuck that”. I can recite the lyrics of “Jump Around” as flawlessly as House of Pain but I don’t ever want or like doing math. there was some King Arthur action in this eppy which was cool. They put on Chain Mails that resembled shark suits (which I’m sure a shark underwater episode is coming) and you had to go to a castle. I love castles so this was entertaining to me. I’m starting to catch on a bit but I’m still usually cleaning up from dinner so I’m still 1/2 confused during these eppys. Every team is starting to have nicknames. Afghanimals, Ice Queens, Pinky and the Brain (I use that one) and such . Ooops I think the Older gay men entertainers were last on the last eppy? Does it matter? We still have like 9+ teams.
Next episode well now I’m going backwards. There was an episode before this that they had to mine salt and you got to see the fake tits float to the top. So Mr. Shelly got a 30 second thrill.
Lets work on last nights eppy so I can stay current.
The teams had to race to the Arctic Circle in Norway. Which is super cool because I have a few Norwegian friends who have told me of the “midnight sun” stories. I don’t think I could deal with bright ass sun at like 1 am. ER Docs and Jason and fake tits Amy seem to have joined forces to work against the others. The task at hand is to punch a hole through 10 fish heads on a stick then transport them to a far way allocation and hang them there. Apparently fish head soup is in high demand in Norway. I’d just eat my own arm instead. You can also scale a dried fish wall and pound the fish into 1kg of jerky. (Like hello metric system, maybe they’ll teach it here one day in ‘Murica). that option proved to be the longer of the two. Only the baseball wives and the sporty friends duo picked that option.
Pinky keeps pissing people off left and right because a) she’s entirely too old for that hair (I’ll keep repeating this) b) she is a mean bitch who annoys people. She keeps using her fast pass she has to “give as a tool to get people to do shit” Look, I use that strategy on my kids and about 2 hours into it, they call my bluff. It’s funny because they don’t realize they put their fish on the wrong pole and keep losing their lead.
The next challenge is backing up a Ford Pickup truck (nice blatant advertising) and move a boulder to reveal the last clue of this episode. The Ice girls don’t know how to drive manual transmission. Look ladies, my dad taught me that life skill at 18. he gave me 2 days before he sold my car. I had no choice. Its something EVERYONE should know how to do. The baseball wives are trailing the pack because they weigh about 65 pounds soaking wet and can only take so much fish meat at a time. The teams are now racing to a Viking Lodge with Viking coins. OMG I hope Eric from True Blood is there naked waiting for me. Wait what? Mr. Shelly is asking me a question and wakes me from my daydream. Anyway Pinky and her ex forget to get the clue of where they are going. They just grab they bag of coins and start aimlessly driving around Norway. That’s totally going to work.
Duck Dynasty friends are the first at the Checkpoint with Phil and the Viking Lodge. They are told to keep on racing. Fuck man, can’t you grab some Norwegian wine or grog or what the shit ever they drink? Pinky sees the ER docs who know where they are going and ask “where do we go”. As she should, the ER Doc wife said she wants the fast pass in exchange for telling them where to go. Pinky seems to think hesitating is a good idea. What is wrong with this bitch? ER Doc wife points out they don’t need her… she NEEDS Them. Mr. Shelly would have told her to kiss his ass, and I would have agreed,
The Amazing Race pulls out some fuckery and does the ……” to be continued” bullshit. Of course I’ll be tuning in, but I hate when they dick tease you like that. I’m too old to be dick teased!
8/10 stars only because of all the damn fish!
~Shelly
