Some Like The Real Housewives

Jam knows damned good and well that I dislike monster shows and by forcing me to watch Grimm, which isn’t even a good monster show, he left me no choice.  I was on the button and wanted to be nice.  I really did.  But then I drew Jam and Shelly and Cam.  I know Shelly wouldn’t mind this.  She could tolerate this. Cam is just collateral damage.  Jam, though.  No way.  His wife loves this stuff and he loves historical documentaries.  He is going to HATE this.  And Jam lives a pretty privileged life.  If I can ruin it for an hour and make him write about it, that is just the beauty of being on the button, friends.  I haven’t even read it yet so I can edit as I go.  I predict a profanity laden, booze fueled rage of epic proportions.  And that’s just the housewives.  ZING!  But no, Jam will make me pay hard for this shit.



I watched The Real Housewives of Miami.  I knew this was going to be awful, this is the sort of bullshit my mother watches.  Important note here, my mother is a horrible person.   So this show follows the misadventures of Alexia, Adrianna, Lisa, Johanna and Lea.  It doesn’t matter, they’re all interchangeable plastic clones of what might have once been a person.  The main story of this episode focus’ on Lea’s trip to Texas.  She hates Texas, but her son RJ likes to go and visit family.  Lisa’s tagging along with them because she’s dying to get to the bottom of the complex, enigmatic, layered character that makes up her friend Lea.  You know when they’re in Texas because there’s banjo music playing in the background.  I’m sure Texans know what that’s like, it has to get annoying.  Lea kind of hates her family because she’s a cunt.  Her family is normal enough, she’s just a cunt.  She cares about nobody else in her family but her sister that died when she needs to turn on the waterworks to manufacture the drama that Bravo requires.  Lea’s nephew is a rapper, he oddly enough pimps out his aunt on stage calling her “fine” and whatnot.  Creepy ass.  They go bull riding because they’re in Texas, I mean of course they go bull riding.  Lisa sucks at it, but makes it a point to tell the audience not to misinterpret that as she’s not good at riding things.  “Because” she assures us, she’s “verrrrrry good at riding things”.  We get it Lisa, you get COCK.  You’re a whore, congratufuckinglations.  In the end Lisa feels closer to Lea because she discovers that she’s the same sort of vapid shell of a human being that she is.

Other stories include Johanna announcing her wedding to people.  Mostly her fiance’s family.  They call all his family via video phone and WTF.  Via video phone, is this how rich people communicate?  Solely through video chat as if it were fucking Demolition Man?  I’m sure they’re very familiar with the 3 seashell method of wiping.  She doesn’t want to sign a pre-nup.  OF COURSE SHE DOESN’T, SHE’S A GOLD DIGGING WHORE.  And her fiance, like a goddamn idiot, acquiesces because he wants that pussy.  He even clinches that pussy with a chartered yacht and a *GASP* puuuuuuuppy that she’ll no doubt discard within the week.  Uhhhhh other things include Alexia giving her family this bullshit speech about overcoming adversity, very vague basic greeting card bullshit that means nothing and would be strange as fuck during any normal family get-together.  One of her friends’ mother is dying and seems upset but I don’t give a shit.

I mean, I just don’t give a shit.  I hate these fucking people so much.  These shows scream fake on such a new level it’s hard to fully comprehend.  I’m okay with fictional things, but this is fiction masquerading as reality, and it’s doing so terribly.  I hated every second of this experience, and they felt like the longest seconds of my life.  I felt like I had watched 2 hours of this nonsense, and I’d glance at my watch and see it had only been 2 minutes.  I hate the way these women talk, the way they walk, the way they live.  Going into this I didn’t know where I stood in my own life, spiritually, but I’m now positive that there is no god.  How can there be?  With this dreck on television, actually attracting viewers.  I don’t understand the attraction in any shape or form, so any actual fans of it would be like aliens to me.  Negative Infinity out of 5 Stars.

P.S. one of the advertised shows on Bravo: “Fashion Queens”.  Are they serious?  These dudes look like Damon Wayans and David Alan Grier from Men on Films, it looks like a throwaway 30 Rock bit.  Fuck off Bravo, you’re dumbing down humanity.



Where to begin? I have watched ALL franchises of this reality TV show. Its basically a phenomena if you will. I used to like it so much more than I do now. In fact Its wearing on me and I now pretty much no longer like any of the branches.

Having said that , I watched Real Housewives of Miami. Yes, all the women are “perfect” and run around with their boobs hanging to and fro. I can attest having lived in Florida for some time and even just occasionally visiting Miami, these women are pretty on par to women in that area. Looking as if they were sculpted out of a special heavenly silicone play dough.

This episode featured Lea Black (wife of famous criminal defense lawyer Roy Black–think William Kennedy Smith). And although I’m not a fan of her husband and his cases I literally love this woman. She is nuts, beautiful, apparently ageless? It’s weird because you know she is older but you can’t pin point her age. The episode attributes this to her line of creams probably infused with whale sperm I imagine.

The rest of them look like models, in fact one is a model. She’s not like Giselle model but I’ve seen her in some Venus Swimwear catalogs I think. You know the ones with the bright neon orange swimwear. The bikinis they sell come complete with a yeast infection , smoke infused breath and a fringe hair style.

Lea is having some kind of event to peddle her sperm cream and handbags (because they are like peanut butter and jelly don’t ya know!). One lady in particular has dabbled in plastic surgery more than the others…. Lisa. I hate when women do this shit to themselves. Like you can see the pretty natural woman underneath all the mechanics and plastic. In my real life, NO ONE has plastic surgery. NO ONE wear this black eye makeup that looks like you are literally a rabid raccoon getting raped by a grizzly bear. Who thinks that looks good?

The women break out into a fight because Lisa is a “peacemaker” trying to get Lea and this beautiful woman Adriana “back together” . Apparently they had a falling out about something stupid and Lisa wants to FORCE them to be friends. Again, in real life this shit doesn’t happen. People sometimes don’t get along, no one needs to be a weirdo peace maker. You just agree to disagree and you MOVE ON. But not these bitches, they are in front of the camera! they can make queefing and hangnails look dramatic!

Lea pretends everything is okay if we can get back to selling sperm jizz and shitty handbags as she keeps mentioning how successful she is. Well, it doesn’t matter if she worked at a year round yard sale. Her husband is who he is. It’s a lot easier to be successful peddling jizz for your face when your husband is rich. Just sayin.

I was housecleaning as I watched this episode which made me more angry and more embarrassed. I don’t like this series and I don’t like the show in general anymore. It seems the veil of truth has been pulled back and revealed most of them from all branches to be fake. Am I shocked? No. Do I need to keep watching this shit? Hell no. I want to watch Rick Grimes take his shirt off and beat a man quadruple his size, because that folks is MY REALITY!

~2.5/5 stars due to all the boobies flying

Love and sloppy kisses




(Editor’s note: It filled me with joy that Jimmy sent this to me under the subject heading “here”)

Up until literally this very moment I have been doing a fairly successful job in completely ignoring the cultural phenomena known as the Real Housewives of [enter location here]. Joel, I would like to extend to you a sincere go #@$*& yourself in the &^# #&% #$%@ $%&$$ for making me watch this. Here it goes…

I can’t help but be reminded of a study I once came across on the Netscape homepage. Yes, I said the Netscape homepage. That should give you some sense of how long ago I read the study and just how much it struck a chord that it has stayed accessible in my memory banks for just this occasion. Anyway, the study suggested that men have a physiological inability to listen to women’s voices for prolonged periods of time. The higher the pitch the harder it is to keep attuned. Please keep these findings in mind while reading the rest of this synopsis.

I am currently watching an episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. The only thing not ironic about that title is assumedly the Beverly Hills part. From what I gather these women are neither real nor housewives, at least not in the acceptable sense of either word. But that is the obvious observation, what you would expect me to say. Unfortunately, this show doesn’t have the depth for me to offer any other substantial insight.

The show seems to be premised around a bunch of over the hill former trophy wives who are, or were, married to marginal B list celebrities or superficially wealthy men. Canned gatherings offer an opportunity for the gals to argue about trivialities so insignificant they push the limits of my observational abilities. From what I gather, in this episode the ladies are at a party thrown by one of the other ladies, and they are arguing about how much they are pissed off about yet another one of the ladies. I am sure this trope is completely transferable to other situations such as dinner parties, yoga sessions, group salon appointments and the such.
I promise you I am watching this with the good faith effort to report my findings; unfortunately, I cannot find any redeeming value in this show (and presumably the franchise) and I am having such a hard time following what is happening that I don’t think I will be able to achieve my goal. I know it is popular, but I cannot understand why. It makes other entrants into the field of reality television seem like Masterpiece Theatre. I question the mandate under which the Bravo network was formed, for even offering this as a viewing option. Most depressingly, however, it is the very existence of this show, which stands as a glaring indictment of the general public at large, that strongly suggests we are [bleeped] as a society.

I am seriously considering blocking channel 718 from my cable box as a result of having sat through this.

A small piece of me died tonight.

(Editor’s note: Mission accomplished)