DVR Demon-Chopped

DVR Demon is a column in which I run you through all the bullshit that happened to escape my DVR on any given day. I’m hardly ever current on any shows, so who knows what the fuck you’ll find in here.

Also, if you’re a dildo about spoilers, tread lightly


Chopped is a show in which four chefs battle it out whipping up three dishes: an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert.  After each meal is presented, the least appealing of the chefs will be “Chopped” or eliminated.  The catch is that for every course they must utilize every ingredient assigned to them inside a mystery box.  And the mystery box can be wicked sometimes.  I don’t know how they do it.


Our first chef works in a hospital. He says “hospital food gets a bad rap.  I’m here to show that it can rock”  BAM!  Instantly rooting for this guy.  As someone who has spent probably 3 months of real time in a hospital bed over the last couple of years, I can tell you with absolute certainty Sutter Roseville(yeah, I’ll put you fuckers on blast) did not get a “bad rap”.  Their food was absolute dogshit and I had to have my old man smuggle me in burgers and fries.  so if this guy’s cause is to serve edible hospital food, I’m all for it.



Haha, what the hell, our theme today is leftovers.  In the appetizer round we get half of a burger in a takeout box, leftover sauteed broccoli, fortune cookies and the remnants of what looks like some Stouffer’s lasagna.  as I said before, I don’t know how they do this.  My man, the hospital cook is making a beef and broccoli lasagna with crisped fortune cookie topping.  Unbelievable.  Ahhhh, he burned the shit out of the cookies!  Fortunately none of them seem to have any idea where fortune cookies will fit in their appetizer.  And why would they?  This show is delightful.  Did I mention they only have 20 minutes between opening the basket and presenting a plate.  That is absurd.


Yeah, buddy.  my man survives the first chop.  Because someone thought it to be a great idea to make a salad with leftover burger, lasagna, fortune cookies and broccoli.  He even probably left the goddamn fortunes in there.  Get to steppin, dude.  My man, the hospital chef has business to attend to.



Our entree round.  BBQ ribs, cold and soggy french fries, a slice of German chocolate cake and leftover chili.  What.  In the Fuck.  Can you make.  With that?  My bro is making some kind of pulled pork and french fry cake with a chili puree and asparagus.  I think I would rather kiss a dog’s asshole.  Holy crap, my dude survives another chop with his pulled pork chocolate barf cake.  Probably because all the girl who got chopped did was reheat the ribs and throw a french fry and chili puree on it that tasted like piss.  ONTO THE DESSERT ROUND!  Go Go Gadget Hospital cuisine!



Leftover corn on the cob, an unfinished pitcher of sangria, packets of duck sauce and stale doughnuts.  Man, these guys are superstars.  My Indian brother is going to turn the doughnuts and corn into a bread pudding and then make a sangria sorbet.  Sangria sorbet sounds delicious.  Where do these guys come up with this shit?  And immediately?  Nooooooooo.  Time’s up and he forgot to put the sorbet on the plate.  Crap, it looked so pretty and tasty, too.  My only saving grace is that the other guy changed his mind about 3 times in the 20 minutes, so I doubt he has a very cohesive product.


In the end, he lost, not just because of the sorbet, but the other guy cooked great stuff all around.  They praised the hell out of him though and let him know that the sorbet may have put him over the top.  Maybe there’s hope for hospital food, after all.  Just not at Sutter Roseville(again, get your shit together), where after a night of getting poked with needles and getting MRIs and ultrasounds, I get to return to my room to find a pancake hard enough to kill a rat with.


DVR Demon.  I watched this shit.  Now you don’t have to.



  • noman

    How do you even begin to make a Sangria Sorbet, that does sound delicious?