Wheel of Television is a column in which I will use a random number generator to pick out a television channel for me and I will watch whatever the wheel determines for one hour and give you my random thoughts and observations on everything I bear witness to. Spin the wheel, make the deal! Round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows! NO WHAMMY NO WHAMMY NO WHAMMY STOP!
Monday, September 23rd, 2013
Currently airing: Lizard Lick Towing
-haha, this dumbass channel. Where every show is about repos and bait cars and pawn shops where everything ends up in the most unbelievable bullshit fights.
-So I guess this dude(I will not learn their names. I refuse) left the tow company on bad terms and is trying to come back but him and mullet guy want at each other. “There’s a reason there ain’t no welcome mat. Cause you ain’t welcome” Ohhhhh shit. tell him, mullet guy.
-Things haven’t been goin too well at the ol Lick lately, you see. So mullet guy realizes he could use Curly cause them there’s some repos need to be got. How in the sam heck are the Duke boys gonna get outta this pickle?
-So they have to repo this tractor, and their plan of attack was pretty shoddy at best. Curly jumped in the tractor and started to drive it off and about three Marlboro men farmers start jumping in and on the tractor and beating Curly’s ass. cut to commercial!
-I have a friend who’s a farmer with his old man. He’s rather calm. But I wonder if he would start swinging on someone driving off with his tractor
-haha, the commercials on this channel tell their own story. Attorneys, credit loans, insurance. Basically, free money! Come get it, you poor fuckers. truTV knows their demo well.
-So one of the farmers gets piefaced and takes a hard fall out of a moving tractor and Curly yells “You just got Licked, Dick!” What the fuck, man? This guy is probably seriously hurt.
-hahaha, so these guys are eating lunch and the farmboys show up and start driving their tractor out. Curly and Mullethawk run out there and we officially have a RUMBLE! This motherfucker tries to run down Mullethawk with his tractor, while Mullethawk dives through the open window of another car that farmboy begins to smash around with his tractor. Curly jumps in and takes the keys from him and they all just start whooping each other’s asses. When that resolves, Curly and Mullethawk realize that they’re brothers and need to look out for each other and they hug. This show is about as “real” as a unicorn fart.
-Now they got a tip on some fight promoter’s Jaguar. He’s at his lawyer’s office and they’re headed over there. How much you wanna bet that this promoter has two or three yoked up MMA guys with him ready to triangle choke Mullethawk’s stupid ass? I got ten on it.
-Close, he had a giant ass boxer with him who was trying to throw Curly off the fucking fourth floor of a parking structure. The little weasel promoter spit in Mullethawk’s face and that was it. they took that Jag the fuck outta there. Mullethawk is kind of a dick leaving Curly holding the bag all the time getting beat up.
–In true Mullethawk fashion, he gets a call saying someone is in the hospital(?) and he’s gotta run, leaving Curly at the office with the screaming promoter and his scary ass boxer.
-Damn, it was Mullethawk’s little girl with a fever. and I hate to say it, but it was really sweet watching him and his daughter. He’s a good daddy. As he’s leaving, he sees Curly in the waiting room who said he’d been there all night long. Mullethawk almost cried and they embraced again. D’awwww.
-Crap, more Lizard Lick Towing. I was praying for something else.
-They just got a repo order for Curly’s old high school bully! What are the chances of that??!
-Mullethawk wants this payday, but this shit is personal for Curly and he fucks it up by chasing the guy and getting into a confrontation with him before the guy jumps back in his little speedster and does donuts and peels off as we cut to commercial. Damn you, Curly and your emotions!
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-”He just flipped me off! I ain’t bout to let no damn flippin me off gon get away today!” Curly is great
-So Curly blocks him off and then confronts him again and plants his ass into the grass while Mullethawk loads up his ride. When Curly releases him, he bolts into Curly’s tow truck, like he’s gonna steal the fucking tow truck with his car. Curly don’t play that shit and drags him out of the truck, beats hit up a bit and puts him in a rear naked choke as Mullethawk explains what just happened. I don’t know what just happened and I watched the whole thing. How is anything I’ve seen today remotely acceptable? These people should all be in jail.
-Good lord, AFTER I typed that last bit, the bully shows up at the office to get his car back and Curly tells the secretary to distract him. This motherfucker goes outside to the car they showed up to the office with, the bully’s FRIEND’S car, and pours deer piss all over the interior, rubs vaseline all over the stickshift and steering wheel and wraps the thing in Saran wrap then yells again, “You just got Licked, Dick!”. Seriously, fuck these guys.
-”You just got Licked, Dick!” is a pretty gay ass catchphrase for a couple good ol boys
-Mullethawk needs to take a beating sometimes. Curly is a soldier.
-If any of you are ever in a position where your vehicle is being repossessed, be prepared to throw punches. this is what I know from every single televised repo situation.
-Welp, that’s about enough of that shit. I return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already joined in progress.