I’m appointed acting director and take over assignment duties for a week, and this is what I come up with?  To be fair, the Netflix randomizer, or Stream Crosser can be blamed for this debacle.  If 1 trillionth of 1 trillionth of 1% of the total mass of the Internet is occupied by episodes and/or discussions revolving around Prison Break, it’s too much.  So let’s add a little to it, shall we!

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Rob: Another “Crossing Streams” assignment, another TV show that I avoided watching as it aired. Prison Break began airing in the fall of 2005 and I had two reasons that I refused to watch it. First, I still believe to this day that Prison Break was responsible for the early cancellation of Arrested Development. They aired on the same night and an Arrested Development/Kitchen Confidential/Prison Break block just begs the viewer to either watch the first hour or the second hour. Most people may not remember but the ratings for Arrested Development tanked so hard that fall that Fox stopped airing the show right after the new year and dumped the last four episodes back-to-back on a Friday night in February. This probably had nothing to do with Prison Break but I just remember thinking that Fox devoted a lot of ad time and general promotion to that show while unceremoniously dumping one of the best sitcoms of all-time.

The other reason I refused to watch Prison Break is that I had already seen the definitive prison genre show, HBO’s “Oz”. I am already predisposed to disregard most network dramas as they are somewhat subdued due to the censorship. Everything that your mind could possibly imagine happening in prison, happened on Oz (plus some things that your mind couldn’t imagine!). Why would I want to watch a network show that I presumed would be a mainstream, accessible version of a show I had already devoured? Plus with a name like Prison Break, it begged the questions “what happens when they break out of prison?” “Do they break out of different prisons each week?” “Do they keep getting sent back to prison?” “where’s the goddamn remote?”

(I guess reason three for not watching this show is because my brother loves it)

So once again, I load up Netflix and pull my assigned episode “Tweener”, episode nine from season 1. The first thing I immediately notice is how attractive everyone on the show is. Goddamn network TV. They even have to make the appearance of the actors more accessible to the mainstream viewer. There is a creepy character named T-Bag who apparently rapes the weaker prisoners on the show…he would be the most handsome guy on Oz.

This is definitely not a show that you could just jump into the middle of and peep. I’m not really sure what is going on. There is a group of guys working on remodeling a room in the prison, but they are actually digging a hole in the center of the room to escape. In order to disguise the mess they’re making, they take the debris out into the yard and slowly toss it onto the ground. To anyone who hasn’t seen Shawshank Redemption, this is likely fucking mindblowing. Never mind that they don’t seem to be making actual headway on the remodel or that there are no guards in the room overseeing their work.

This show features two actors who portrayed two of the worst characters I have seen on TV in recent memory. There is Sarah Wayne Callies, who plays Dr. Sara on this show, but I know her more for her horrible portrayal of Lori on The Walking Dead. It’s probably not her fault as that character was terribly written, but based on the limited scenes of hers in this episode, she isn’t exactly Emmy material. Then there is Marshall Allman, who is playing the wrongly-accused brother of meathead Lincoln (who himself is wrongly accused, I think (?), and is on death row). Marshall played Sam Merlotte’s idiot brother on True Blood, and if you can stand out as a terrible character on that shitshow, you have really made a name for yourself in my book.

So the gist of this episode is that there are dudes trying to escape from prison (just like the title of the show!), then there is some anal rape stuff (one of the victims ends up hanging himself), and then there is a wrongly-accused character on the run from the law. I will give this show credit, the acting is ok, the writing is ok, the set design and cinematography does not look cheap. I do like Peter Stormare, so it was cool to see him have a part on the show. Just based on this one episode, my interest my piqued enough that if I were laid up and there was a Prison Break marathon on FX, I would consider not changing the channel. That’s about as ringing of an endorsement that I will give to a show that gave the world an 8-year Bluth hiatus.

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Joe: Okay, honestly?  I watched 10 full minutes of season 2 episode 4 and regretted it.  I’m trying to catch up with House of Cards, and this is how I’m spending the little time I have in between GoT, Mad Men, The Americans, and the 24 season debut?

So yes, I quit watching, I couldn’t stomach it.  Hamfisted acting, stock direction, unbearable dialogue, a completely unreasonable high concept, basically no redeeming qualities.  But it did get me thinking, which is probably the point of the exercise.  Do those of us who enjoy medium to high quality television somehow need the buffer of awfulness provided by shows like Prison Break?  Yes, I feel like one of those assholes that turns down a Miller Lite and will only drink Stella poured in an approved regulation glass, but I don’t want the unwashed masses infecting my enjoyment of Mad Men.  I don’t need to hear “DUDE WASN’T THAT AWESOME WHEN DON FUCKED THAT ONE BITCH AND THEN GOT ALL FUCKED UP?!?” when I come in to work on Mondays.  At this point, it’s a proven fact with five decades of evidence that some people are inevitably going to watch shit movies (when is Deuce Bigalow 3 coming out?) listen to shit music (people 30 and older know the dangers of boy bands, but there’s no way we’re passing that lesson on to future generations) and watch shit TV (do we need to review the network lineup success rate of shows that launched the last few autumns?).  So no, I’m not going to watch Prison Break.  But on some level, I’m grateful that garbage like this exists, so that I can enjoy my 1917 Chateau Blanche Madmoiselle Blahblahblah without the Keystone Light riffraff pissing on my shoes.  Viva la 4+ seasons of Prison Break!  When they gonna break out dis damn prison?!?!?

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Phil: Dramas frequently require the suspension of disbelief by their viewers, but Prison Break requires the expulsion of disbelief. This show is alarmingly complex, yet somehow vapid.

As a virgin viewer, here is what I could ascertain:

-An evil organization called “The Company” and led by “The General” is pulling all of the strings
-The prison break has successfully occurred, because there are no scenes shot in a penitentiary
-A musclebound fellow did sneak into a prison to break his brother out. One of the brothers now works for “The Company”
-You can track the location of somebody on a flip phone using a stock Windows laptop
-Everyone is after something called “Scylla”, some form of uber-weapon (which I would guess has little to do the monster from the Odyssey)
-Even bound and at gunpoint, your mother will still criticize you, offer unsolicited advice and try to resolve twenty-year-old parenting issues
-Really attractive and high-functioning pregnant women can be smackheads
-The barrier for entry for television actors is much, much lower than I would have guessed
-Apparently there are people who will watch anything which airs at 9PM on a network

In fairness, I dropped into the series at the nineteenth episode of the fourth season with no knowledge of the (wooden) characters or the (convoluted) plot lines. That said, I am pretty happy not to have invested the 70+ hours of time I would need for this piece of shit to make sense to me. If you are going to just drop in on a network drama, stick to the single-serving fare offered by procedurals.

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So, as per the norm, Screensnark recommends you avoid the show that we sampled at all costs.  Unless you need a hangover marathon show.

The post Crossing Streams: Prison Break appeared first on screensnark..

At the conclusion of Season 6, the SCP partners had put Don on an open ended leave of absence, because even though he’s the main protagonist of the show, he’s also a scumbag that fucks anyone and drinks anything, and for the first time there were huge and obvious negative impacts to his work performance.  The firm has been split, with a satellite branch opening in Los Angeles, with Ted and Pete moving to Cali.  And Betty is skinny Betty, not fat Betty.

Don Draper

Don’s alcohol-soaked chickens have come home to roost.  Or some of them have.  Only Betty knows about Dick Whitman (I think?) so not everything is out in the open.  But Don’s drinking and fucking finally impacted his performance, when he crashed and burned last season with Hershey’s.  I actually liked the Hershey’s pitch.  But the first three episodes of season 7 have been fascinating for Don.  Always a secretive, self-made/self-destructive loner who is never comfortable being alone, Don recruits Dawn as a mole inside Sterling Cooper and feeds pitches to Freddy Rumson.  And trumping that, he goes bi-coastal with his wife, and elects not to inform her that he isn’t working.  Yes, maybe it is every married man’s dream to enjoy the benefits of being married, while enjoying the freedom of being a bachelor.  But dudes, eventually, the girls figure it out.  And they aren’t usually too pleased.  They think you don’t love them and stuff (because you probably don’t love them).

But as far as episode-closing scenes go, Don’s ending to ep1 and ep3 have been “best of the series” outstanding.  First, Don unable to close his patio door with snow pouring in, but also unwilling to make a simple and obvious fix that would allow him to shut it, leaving him freezing his balls off, does a fantastic job of mirror-imagining his entire life.  Isn’t all of this mystery and intrigue and sleaziness a little silly at this point?  But the “holy fuck did he really just do/say THAT” ending to ep3 is even a little bit better.  Going forward, I have to believe Donald Draper has a plan.  To the casual observer, it might not be a very good plan, but I bet the man has a plan.

Peggy Olson

Yes Don Draper is the protagonist.  But wouldn’t Peggy-as-lead-protagonist be at least equally fascinating?  And to some degree she obviously does carry a lot of the show.  Last season Ted was definitely leaving his wife for Peggy…until he wasn’t.  Peggy’s “well aren’t you lucky, to have decisions?” line to Ted toward the end of season 6 had just copious amounts of resonation.  It’s every woman’s comment to every man, ever.  Supposedly responsible men have failed Peggy throughout the series, which is why it’s interesting but not surprising when…

…she shows up in season 7 as the underling of another vaguely incompetent, argumentative, offensive man.  Of course as the enlightened new millennium audience that we are, I think most of us are constantly hoping for Peggy to finally make a real and lasting crack in the Sterling Cooper glass ceiling.  Especially when she’s compared to the LSD gobbling hippy orgy king Roger Sterling, the testically-deprived japanophilic racist Burt Cooper, and the whiskey soaked unavailable pussy hound Don Draper.  But Michael Wiener’s constant reminder to us is, THE FUCKING GLASS CEILING STILL EXISTS NOW!.  As of 2014 Women still don’t become creative directors or partners in these types of firms with any type of regularity, so why should Peggy get to win in 1969?  And even with all of that in mind, I still couldn’t see why Peggy was such a giant bitch to Don when she saw him (“can’t say that we really missed you here” fucking OUCH) until I remembered that he was a complete asshole to her throughout last season.

So far this season, the glaringly terrific triumph was the final 15 minutes of episode 3.  Don’s return to the office, set against Betty’s trip to a farm with Bobby, was simply exquisitely eloquent visual storytelling.  Don has never been so completely out of his element, and since Don needs to be constantly in his element in order to allow his social subterfuge to be effective, the discomfort for both Don and the audience is almost physically palpable.  As disgusting as he’s been, he isn’t full-on Walter White as Heisenberg, and you can still feel sorry for him.  The scene is magnificently shot, mimicking the hustle of an office while still flexing complex characters that now have 3-6 years of backstory.  And Don’s story is ultimately Betty’s/Sally’s/Bobby’s story too, seeing that Betty and Bobby are pretty likely permanently fucked up with out a solution is just as impactful.  Mind blowing, Emmy nominatable material, this.

Be back next week with look-ins on other characters!

The post Mad Men Season 7 Character Studies Part 1! appeared first on screensnark..

In Westeros, you’re no one if you haven’t almost been raped.  At this point, the almost raped/successfully raped camp may outnumber those who have managed to avoid the “rape as a plot device” trick.  Counting up those involved in a rape scenario (including rapers and rapees) Sansa, Cersei, Jaime, Brienne in most episodes she appears in, Ros, Osha, Dany, Drogo, all of Craster’s wives, several members of the Night’s Watch, The Mountain’s crew, I’m sure Ramsey Snow threatened to rape Theon at some point, didn’t Bran almost get raped, along with Jojen and Meera, the Hound probably raped someone at some point?  I get it, rape is prevalent in Westeros.  But even the most offensive of plot devices loses its impact at some point.  I’m hoping “fuck ‘em til they’re dead” is the last of it, because at this point, I’ll be completely shocked when someone takes someone else captive and DOESN’T threaten to rape them.

Speaking of rapers, I WANT JAIME LANNISTER’S LEATHER JACKET.  The problem is that there’s no way I could pull off that look.  In fact, I have no idea how HE manages to pull off a leather motorcycle jacket in a medieval-esque fantasy world where there are no motorcycles and no evidence of any other jackets.  Maybe you just have to have that “yes, I’d rape my twin sister in a church three feet away from the corpse of my king son born of incest” attitude to rock a jacket that by all other worldly logic should not physically exist.

Dany is well on her way to freeing every slave, that has ever lived, ever.  MINOR SPOILER: All of this slave freeing drags on for months or years in the books, and happens MUCH later than the current show chronology.  So very soon, I will have no idea what is going to happen with Dany, which is extremely exciting.  She has literally run out of slaving cities to conquer.  Also, wouldn’t it have been fantastic if Daenerys Targaryen would have marched across the southeastern US in 1863 with an army of vicious eunuchs, a crew of dirty sellswords, and a trio of pre-teen dragons, leaving a path of fire, destruction, and symbolically crucified slave owners in her wake?  Would have been my favorite part of 11th grade American History, although Reconstruction and and the Teapot Dome scandal may not have been as exciting.

Finally this week, FUCKING CRAZY ASS UNDEAD BABY STEALING ICE KING ZOMBIES.  What happens to Walking Dead when a crazier show comes along that can show anything, have its characters say anything, and is actually really good, AND ALSO HAS ZOMBIES?!?!?  It’ll be like watching The Americans, then trying to go back and trying to watch Homeland.  As far as this episode goes, I understand that they have to remind us every now and then that yes, there are far worse things out there than the Hound’s table manners, or lengthy discussions with Lady Olenna Tyrell’s prowess in the bedroom, or Joffrey.  But I also believe that only seeing hints of these badass ice demons known as the Others is far more effective than actually being formally introduced to one.  And this episode was directed by the fantastic Michelle MacClaren, who also directed most of the best Breaking Bad episodes.  If I was her, I would have gone back for a re-write, to leave us with more zombie mystery to be revealed in bits in pieces.

8/10 Cockblocking Kittens

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Yes, yes, yes, you can look anywhere for a review of “Breaker of Chains”, the latest fantastic installment of Game of Thrones.  If you really want a great review, why not go to Grantland and read Andy Greenwald’s fantastic piece, the depth of which rivals the show itself.

Instead, I’d like to wax poetic about the screen presence of Aidan Gillen as Lord Petyr Baelish, AKA Littlefinger.  Having known the machinations behind the Purple Wedding for around four years now, I knew ahead of time that Littlefinger had a large part to play, but he would likely be left out of the episodes leading up to Joffrey’s graphic curtain call.  But then Littlefinger gets to lead off ep 3 by showing just how much he is running shit in Westeros.  To recap:

1. Littlefinger manipulated Ned Stark into making a play for the Iron Throne that he could not possibly have won, costing Ned his head
2. Littlefinger arranged the Tyrell/Lannister alliance that allowed Tywin and the Knight of Flowers to save King’s Landing
3. Littlefinger arranged the engagement of Joffrey and Margery, further forging the Tyrell/Lannister alliance
4. Littlefinger played some role in the poisoning and murder of Joffrey without being anywhere near the wedding where it took place
5. Littlefinger has secretly kidnapped/rescued Sansa Stark, the perceived heir of Winterfell (at least while Bran is off talking to trees)
6. Littlefinger began life as the lowliest of lords, and is now Lord of Harrenhal and appointed Lord Paramount of the Riverlands, an honor previously held by the Tullys for generations

Littlefinger is running shit in Westeros.  As much as the Tywins and Cerseis might think they are running shit in Westeros, nobody else has the back of Littlefinger’s baseball card.

And without the precise character notes brought to the screen by Aidan Gillen, the character would run the risk of being a hollow parody of hundreds of characters that preceded Petyr Baelish.  It’s the real genius of the SHOW Game of Thrones, as opposed to GRRM’s A Song of Ice and Fire.  Creators Weiss and Benioff were smart enough to realize from the outset that adapted smartly and shot conservatively and creatively, the source material was going to be a grand slam.  What was going to be critical to set the show apart from anything else was constantly perfect casting choices, to the point that multiple characters have had the actors playing them changed (Tommen and Daario have changed once each, and The Mountain has been played by THREE DIFFERENT GIANT DUDES).

But Aidan Gillen from the outset has shown a complete understanding of the complexity of Littlefinger’s motivations.  Baelish’s ambition is unrivaled, but it’s an ambition originally born of jealousy and then honed for years into drive, purpose, and above all precision and adaptability.  Cat Stark gets her throat cut?  Why not try to fuck her daughter, who happens to be heir to one of the oldest and most powerful houses on the continent.  And how does he take possession of her?  He knows Sansa LOVES her romantic tales of heroic knights saving the day, so he sends one.  Then he has him offed with crossbow bolts.  Gillen plays Littlefinger with the ultimate self-confidence, which is the only way to play the damn game of thrones.  To Gillen/Littlefinger, it’s not IF he will become king, it’s when.  It’s like Gillen is playing Lord Baelish as if he already is the king, but the rest of the continent just hasn’t realized it yet, so he’s going to keep taking steps to make sure that they come to grips with the fact.  And that’s the only way to play Lord Petyr Baelish, and Aidan Gillen is perfect for it.

And oh, let’s see, where before have I seen Aidan Gillen playing an ambitious and ruthless young politician hellbent on grabbing as much power as he can?  Oh that’s right, Tommy Motherfucking Carcetti.  Oh yeah, and the dude standing next to him sells ribs to Frank Underwood.

Aidan Gillen, an integral part of two of the best seasons of the best show that’s ever been on television, and now an integral part of GoT, which is a potential GOAT when it’s all said an done.  Okay, okay, maybe the first and second seasons of The Wire are better than seasons 3 and 4, but only slightly.  What, you people still haven’t watched The Fucking Wire?  QUIT WASTING TIME, WATCH THE FUCKING WIRE.  Littlefinger is on it, and he’s AWESOME.

Non-spoiler speculation here (yes I’ve read the books but I have no idea where Littlefinger’s ultimate future lies): I think Littlefinger does manage to rule all of Westeros before the end of the epic.  And if the Game of Thrones was just about seizing and holding political power with a vicious blackout-inducing stranglehold, then Littlefinger might just be the winner.  But in the political game of thrones, how to account for dragons?  Or zombies?  Or ice demons?  Or r’hllor, the red fire god?  Or the Great Other?  In the end, I think there will be pieces on the GoT chessboard that even a merciless and power-hungry politician can’t account for.  But perhaps a taste of ultimate power will be enough to satisfy Littlefinger before his demise?

10/10 Little Fingers

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Alas, His Grace Joffrey Baratheon, the First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm has left us all too soon.

Or more precisely, Jack Gleeson, who portrayed Joffrey with unbelievable smarm and hearty helpings of unearned hubris and arrogance, combined with a viciousness only an irreparably damaged teenager is capable of, has left us too soon.  That is, if his “threat” to leave acting altogether comes to pass.  While his detestation for the trappings of celebrity and fame are completely understandable, it’s still difficult to see a public figure leave a calling that they have so obviously mastered at a young age.  Joffrey rightfully belongs on the short list of The Most Hated Villains in the History of Television.  And while some of the credit for that undoubtedly goes to GRRM for creating such an imminently hateable character, the on-screen execution of Joff the Awful could have strayed in any of several directions that might have turned the character into a caricature.

Instead Gleeson added depth where there could have only been shallowness, which could have had the effect of making Joffrey relatable, but instead only served to make him THAT MUCH MORE FUCKING AWFUL.  Popular villains are often referred to as “characters we love to hate”, but Joffrey went a step further, because when he came on screen the emotional tone was immediately established as petty and desperately jealous.  Gleeson played Joffrey as constantly being in on some inside joke that he thought everyone else was aware of, but which didn’t actually exist.  And being able to capture that exact level of deep seeded character flaw EVERY TIME HE WAS ON SCREEN is a precision worthy of at least a supporting actor nomination.

In the end, Joffrey’s essential Lannister qualities were on full display, even if they didn’t coincide with any of the other Lannisters.  Jaime and Cersei couldn’t have been proud of their son, Tywin couldn’t have been thrilled about his constant lack of discipline, and obviously Tyrion had a few problems with Joff’s behavior.  But Joff was just being Joff, so deal with it.  Hats off to a fantastic performance, I’m truly sad to see the sadistic little fucker go.

The obvious question is, who poisoned him?  I have insight that I will not share, but I will say that the sequence was filmed well enough to provide clues without giving away the mystery.  Mysteries have been lacking thus far in Westeros, other than the long term kind that most of the audience have forgotten are even still mysteries.  I can’t see this one playing out over multiple seasons like the poisoning of Jon Arryn (all non-book readers collectively: “who the fuck is Jon Arryn?), but I do hope that we get a couple episodes of misdirection before the culprit(s?) is revealed.

Elsewhere, we get a quick check in with the Boltons and Theon (Ramsey still a crazy fuck, Theon still lacking a dick), Bran/Meera/Jojen and HODOR HODOR HODOR (back to nothing really happening) and Stannis (Red Woman still burning people).  It was a no Dany episode, but Dany’s off twiddling her dragon thumbs doing boring shit like freeing slaves.  But as a whole, the subplots were nicely subdued in order to clear the floor for Joff’s swan song, which I appreciated.

I love this show.  I can’t understand how I can live without it for nine months a year.  I never want it to end.  Please don’t end ever, GoT.  Please.

9/10 Vicious Blows from Widow’s Wail (lol Widow’s Wail)

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Review?

Who am I kidding.

Anything I write about this show could hardly be considered an unbiased review.  Game of Thrones had me at hello.  More appropriately, Game of Thrones had me at Hell, yo.

The question that I can’t quite wrap my head around is, how can the show always be so damn good?  Other shows cannot take a brand new character like Oberyn Martel, drop him in the first few scenes of the season four premier, and have it click like it was nothing.  Other shows can’t leave out major characters like Littlefinger, Varys, and the Bran/Jojen/Meera/Hodor party of entire episodes and hum along without the audience revolting.  Other shows could never get away with having 75-100 relevant cast members without the writers completely losing any semblance of direction.  This shit just should not work.

And yet it’s probably the very ballsy arrogance of the Weiss/Benioff + Martin triumvirate that makes something that on it’s surface should be impossible succeed.  Where other shows like Agents of SHIELD go out of their way to spell out every plot twist like the audience is made up of second and third graders with a few pre-schoolers thrown in, GoT just assumes that every last one of its viewers is able to keep up with the pace, and if they can’t, too fucking bad for them.  AND THERE’S AWESOME ASS MOTHERFUCKING DRAGONS.

The “back in my day” attitude definitely has a fair share of fallacy to it, but I think there used to be more of an attitude in various artistic mediums that if the audience didn’t appreciate the art, then fuck the audience.  Mainstream music, film, and television have all been steered over the past decade toward the position that the art should cater to the masses rather than the masses flocking to the art.  And that leads to Adam Sandler movies, Justin fucking Bieber, and NCIS.

With GoT, instead we have a fantasy epic with a giant budget, a fantastic cast, and no fear whatsoever.

I watched the premier, and I don’t remember one character getting more than 10 minutes of screentime.  But in that episode, I got the following:

Oberyn Martell: Badass motherfucker, bi-sexual from Dorne who takes no shit and hates him some fucking Lannisters.

Tyrion: Lost any sense of control in his life, disappoints everyone, just can’t win.

Sansa: Completely devastated by the Red Wedding.  I think we all are, sweetheart!

The Hound: Loves him some motherfucking chicken.  Do not fuck with the Hound’s chicken.

Arya: Finally a Stark got some revenge! Even if it was killing some throw away fuck like Polliver.

Jon Snow: Jon is the manningest man that has ever manned the Wall.  And Maester Aemon, that is one kickass 100 year old.  Does anyone realize that he’s basically Dany’s great-great uncle?

Dany: Guess what, all the dudes want to fuck Dany, and Ser Jorah is Friend-Zoned for life!

And they still found time to squeeze in Jaime, Cersei, Brienne, some Tyrells, and some cannibalistic wildlings with crazy ass intentional facial scarring!!!

This isn’t really fair, because I’m a devoted book reader, and I’m one of those assholes that know the three main crazy what the fuck things that are going to happen this season.  The great thing is, I have no idea when they’re coming.  With the Battle of the Blackwater, Ned’s beheading, and the Red Wedding, I knew when shit was going down.  But viewer beware, there are DEFINITELY at least three events that will happen this season that will bring the OH HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT NO WAY.  Wait, no, that will happen at least four times, I forgot one.

I can’t wait like Bart Scott.  By the end of this series, GoT might very well be the GoaT.

10/10 Roasted Chickens

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So we’ve closed out the first season of True Detective.  Turns out none of my predictions from last week came to fruition.  The True Detectives made it out alive, there was no super-trippy mindfuck, and the conspiracy has (apparently) been brought to its knees.  Are you not entertained?

Well, I can’t really say that I am.  After all of the exposition, did we really come any closer to understanding the meaning of life, see the final battle between good and evil, or bear witness to momentous events that shook the very core of our world?  For me, a resounding no.  The creator of the series took a big swing, and what we ended up getting was an 8-hour-long episode of Law & Order SVU, set in the Bayou, with big name actors standing in for Richard Belzer and Ice-T.

What’s most disappointing to me about the finale is that some incredibly interesting visual themes were present that hadn’t really been examined at in the previous seven installments.  Several times during the episode, the camera panned back from Rust to reveal how far outside civilization he was, showing just how a monster of a man is able to hide himself from society for two decades.  As mankind has used various forms of technology to shorten the distances between itself over the past century, we’ve begun to assume that there are no longer remote places for people to hide away.

THAT’S a story I’d like to see told!  Man isn’t everywhere in the age of The Global Village, there are still hiding places, there are still places and people that the Internet or governments or social media can’t touch.  And this episode brought that to the surface, but the series as a whole was so focused on making Rust Cohle an unwilling Jesus Christ, the Yellow King an unworthy Lucifer, and Woody Harrelson somewhere in the middle, that I think it missed it’s true calling.  I think the director, Cary Joji Fukunaga, was getting there, as evidenced by the multiple gorgeous shots of the beautiful desolation that is the Louisiana Bayou that don’t really exist to anyone except those that live there or have lived there in the past.  But writer Nic Pizzolatto wanted to tell a story so big that it imploded on itself.  It’s not quite True Crime, it’s not quite cutting edge sci-fi, and it’s not quite a metaphor for anything bigger than the story at hand, even if it presents itself as exactly that.  And the in-between nature of the narrative made everything fall flat.  Especially all of the “I’m not supposed to be here” hocus pocus-ish nonsense at the end.  The logical conclusion was Marty and Rust, dead from the blade wounds that obviously would have killed them, right?  Can we agree that they probably SHOULD be dead, all metaphysical commentary from Rust aside?  That was a knife wound to the bowels and a hatchet to the chest.  That happens on Game of Thrones, best believe those motherfuckers be dead.

Add to that that maybe this past Sunday, a large section of the Internet thought to itself, “wait, that’s it?”  None of the easter eggs that the TD Defender Unit had latched onto as evidence of the show’s depth ended up meaning jack shit!  This wasn’t Lost, not even a little bit, which is doubly deflating, since the show’s most prominent and hardcore defenders now have so much less to point to to prove the greatness of the show.  The possible swirls in random pictures hanging on random walls didn’t mean anything!  None of your crackpot theories mean shit!  (Honestly, I fall for this kind of shit too, all the time.  I’ve admittedly dedicated far too many hours of my life reading up on something called The Grand Tyrell Conspiracy to make fun of anyone else.  But it is fun when I don’t fall for this kind of shit, and then NOTHING HAPPENS.)

Admittedly, the season had it’s moments.  The tracking shot that closed episode 4 is one of the standout technical achievements in television history.  Casting Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey in a limited television series gave the show an immediate gravitas that has never been realized on TV before.  And some of the shots captured of the Bayou are flawless pieces of cinematography, better than most feature film quality.  But the story was presented to us as if it was the definitive tale from which the various branches of the crime mythos tree grows from, and it just wasn’t that.  It was just another serial killer story, and ironically, if it would have been presented that way, I think it would have been dramatically more effective and enjoyable!  I didn’t need Rust Cohle to be the BEST. CHARACTER. EVER.  I’d have liked him to just be Rust Cohle.  Or how about Jim Cohle, or Ricky Cohle, or Stephen Cohle-Bear, did it have to be RUST FUCKING COHLE?!?!?

I’m also still excited for season 2.  I hope the hype-train doesn’t set it up for failure.  I feel like we’re all going to bed on Christmas Eve expecting a new car, or an X-Box, or a fucking iPhone, and yeah, a new winter coat is still a great gift Mom, but it’s not a fucking iPhone.  I don’t wanna be that kid, but it might be too late.  I want Harvey Keitel and Robert Duvall, dammit!  Or Frances McDormand and Naomi Watts!  But what if we get Black Detective #1 and #2?  That would be great, but would probably still be a let down at this point.  Regardless, even though I didn’t fall in love with the show this season, I will be happy to come back for more next time around!

Episode 6/10 Hatchet Wounds

Season 7/10 Yellow Kings

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Not nearly enough time to devote to this outstanding show, but I wanted to make sure to post some praise while it was still fresh in my mind.

I recently binge watched the first season and absolutely loved it.  The level of tactical expertise and strategic talent required to elicit a convincing portrayal of Soviet deep cover agents out of American actors is almost incomprehensible.  Add to that the creative manipulation necessary to force an American audience to relate and feel sympathy for people who represent our Cold War enemies and we have the makings of a potential all-time great show.  Until recently, the primary premise for the show would never have even been considered, but the rise in appreciation for artistically driven TV drama has allowed creative freedoms to grow where they otherwise would have been squashed at conception.

Specifically from the first two episodes from this season, I’ve enjoyed the further development of the secondary characters.  The depth that’s been added to the Soviet Rezident, along with the introduction of his new underling has further enhanced the nuance of each episode.  Obviously one of the great advantages to spy drama done well is that the characters should have natural layers to them from the outset of the series, so any additional breadth that is added will have an exponentially positive effect.  And while we’re only in the beginning of season 2, we’ve already had Nina, a relatively major character, turned from Soviet agent to American asset back to Soviet counter-intelligence.  For most TV characters, that’d be enough to make up an entire seven season run, and all of that happened in a 13 episode stretch!

Since every major character is now theoretically and realistically in play to be turned with potentially catastrophic effects for the rest of the cast, the series is set up to be perpetually explosive.  Another significant advantage that the show has in its back pocket is that we know there is the firm endgames of mid-80s perestroika and glasnost that will spell the end of KGB presence in the US.  Or does it?  Can’t wait to see.  And finally, having Keri Russell play a lead role is doubly effective, since we’ve never seen her in anything remotely close to this.  Hell, there’s never been anything remotely close to this, I’m rooting for the goddamn godless pinko Soviets, what the fuck, I love it!

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True Detective, an enigmatic creative roller coaster, from both a quality standpoint and a content standpoint.

Having had a day to digest episode 7 (I spent my Sunday night watching the Oscars and still haven’t seen the last 10 minutes of Dynamo Daryl Dixon’s Dirty Dance of Death) and had a glance around the Internet, I’d say that my opinion of this installment again differs with the popular stance.  The difference is this time, I enjoyed it and the masses were bored.  My problems with the first few episodes of the show have largely disappeared, as McConaughey’s Rust has given up speaking like he’s the resurrected and handcuffed corpse of Andy Warhol being buttfucked by Ellen Page’s Juno on peyote.  It also helps that Woody’s Marty has given up treating women like every other TV cop that has ever been a TV cop in the history of TV cops.  I haven’t been quiet about my disdain for that which has previously been done better by someone else, and this episode did a bang up job of sealing off the shtick.

I thought Ep 7 did a nice job of freeing up both characters to drive their stories to an endgame.  Marty was brought back to respectability and maybe came to an understanding that there’s no justification for continuously fucking over the most important people in your life.  I could have done without that part of the story entirely, but it was used as the source of the schism between Marty and Rust.  Yes, a little creativity would have gone a long way there, but it wrapped before the finale, which is better than leaving it open ended and giving some level of tacit approval to Marty’s reprehensible behavior (boys will be boys has always been and will always be bullshit).  We were also given clear indication that while Rust might not have been the classiest dude in the Klondike and the bayou over the past couple decades, he also (probably?) isn’t a copycat serial killer, and also (probably?) hasn’t been going vigilante on the Tuttle clan.

At this point, we’ve seen a little more than the tip of the conspiratorial iceberg, and playing “just the tip” is only fun for so long.  And since we’ve only got an hour left from this season, I only see a few options left.  It’s finale speculation time!

1. First option is, Marty and Rust lay waste to the Tuttles and both go out guns blazing.  It was super clear in Ep 7 that both had crossed a line that they were aware they may not be able to return to, so there is a level of commitment to closing the case with both of them that might result in death.  But it’s fairly clear that neither of them knows how deep the conspiracy goes, so it’s a little far fetched to think that they’re going to be able to shake the foundations of the Louisiana state government in an hour.  Odds of the Thelma and Louise ending: 20/1

2. Second option is, Marty and Rust close in on the Tuttles, but in a surprise ending, they take out some of the lower levels of the conspiracy, but some surprise Tuttle muscle takes them out and prevents them from brining down the whole Kevin Spacey.  Okay, Okay, the whole House of Cards.  We then fade to black with Scarred Tuttle giggling over the lifeless bodies of Marty and Rust, with pools of black blood forming and trickling into the swamp.  Odds of the Antagonists Winning: 20/1

3. Third option: The Cosmic Clusterfuck.  Personally, I love this one.  Rust has been warbling and rasping for weeks now about the circular nature of life, and how time doesn’t exist in one direction, and how everything that has happened has happened before and will happen again.  What if he’s right?  I’d love to see a psychedelic pastiche of the case taking place over billions of years.  Sometimes Rust and Marty bring down the Tuttles.  Sometimes Rust is the killer, sometimes Marty is the killer, sometimes Marty’s psycho daughter is the killer, sometimes Black Detectives #1 and #2 are co-conspirators.  Sometimes there is no killer and Rust goes insane.  The common theme is that there is no common theme, we’ve just seen the current incarnation of this series of events play out.  Last time it wasn’t like this, and next time it won’t be like this, and time is a fluid thing, motherfucker.  Odds of the Cosmic Clusterfuck:  There’s no fucking way they have the balls to do this.

4. Final Option: Since they won’t do number 3, I’d like them to give a semi-satisfying ending to the case that sees Marty and Rust catching Scarred Tuttle and bringing down the entire incest-ridden family.  But the episode runs over five minutes or so, and we get an extra scene in which it is very cautiously and sparsely revealed that the conspiracy reaches much farther than even Rustin Cohle suspected.  Marty and Rust make it through to be available for surprise cameos in future seasons, and then we have a thread of continuity that carries over to two new True Detectives next December.  Like the grand FBI/Greek conspiracy that The Wire teased but never really got around to digging into.  Odds of The Saga Continues: 10/1

What am I rooting for?  Obviously some unexpected and expertly filmed action sequences like we got in 4 and 5.  I’d like to see a cliffhanger that leads into season 2, putting a temporary bow on the Marty and Rust characters but leading us nicely into season 3.  And I’d LOVE to get a tease as to who the next two detectives are, but I think that might be hoping for a bit too much.  Regardless of the outcome, I’m extremely excited by the decades-old television industry walls that True Detective has cast down, and look forward to others following the blueprint.

8/10 Zero Turn Lawnmowers

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So when it comes to true crime TV drama, I’m obviously tough to please.  At this point, I’ve seen all of The Wire, and I’ve seen all of The Shield.  So if something new is coming at me in the same vein, I’m instinctively looking at them by comparing them to the best of what I’ve already seen.  Maybe that’s not fair, but that’s me.  I have a very tough time judging something new on its own merits, because I want everything to be as good as it possibly can be, and I’m disappointed when something that could be flawless falls short.  The mistake I made with True Detective was judging it from a “True Crime” perspective.

Because True Detective has shown at this point that it isn’t really a cop show, and detective work isn’t really intrinsic to what the show is.  The best I can peg the show up to now is something along the lines of “cerebral/occultist action drama”, but the true appeal is that it doesn’t really fit into categories.  I’ve lost the “OMG this is going to be fucking awesome” hope that I had before the series premiered, but the fact that True Detective is breaking new ground and transcending preconceived notions of what a TV series can be is leaps and bounds more important than the actual product anyway.  We can now have 8 episode mini-seasons of TV made with cinematic quality featuring world class production teams and A-List actors that don’t adhere to decades-old established “this is okay for a TV series” guidelines.  That is a colossal accomplishment.

But the fact that new ground has been broken doesn’t always mean that the product is flawless.  I thought this episode was half baked at best, falling back into some of the script and dialogue ruts that held back the first three episodes.  The detective fucking his partner’s wife, even with it being provoked by the wife, has worn out its welcome in all forms of media.  This was like Rick Vaughn fucking Roger Dorn’s wife, except with Jameson replacing Budweiser, a dirty countertop replacing a waterbed, and the lighting dimmed to just above crypt-level.  So has the parking lot brawl that follows, as well as the rouge cop first confronting authority only to be rebuffed and eventually forced to resign, driven by his own integrity.  That kind of Detective bullshit is so True that I’ve seen it dozens of times over the years.  So far, the show has been great when it has refused to follow television/film convention, so to lean on it now is disappointing.  Rustin Cohle, meet Suzanne Dorn:

That said, I was pleased to see that the flashbacks were allowed to continue for another episode, as the disparities between the present telling of events while watching them play out as they actually happened has been consistently entertaining and at times thrilling, with the action sequences of eps 4 and 5 being the obvious high points.  Not only was the action fantastic, but the real time lies being told that conflicted with the action were then icing on the cake.  And the show really, really misses the action, especially after we’ve already seen it be glorious in previous episodes.  Once I’ve been shown something like the tracking shot at the end of episode 4, coupled with my disappointment with the first three episodes, I want more of the former.  I got it in ep 5, but it was conspicuously missing in ep 6, which made me feel like this was just a bunch of filler before we get our grand action confrontation to close the season.  And wasn’t the first confrontation of present day Marty and Rust just a complete and total letdown?  I’d rather they just said nothing and stared at each other than give us the lines that we got.

One more concern I have is that 2 more episodes is very little time to lay out an entire grand conspiracy.  I think this episode made it clear that Rust probably isn’t the original (or copycat?) killer: he isn’t a giant with scars on his body, he confronted the obviously guilty head of the church, and has been given independent corroboration of child porn activities within the church by the drunk ex-preacher.  I don’t know how effective the reveal of a primary villain will be considering we only have cursory details of his identity at this point.  What I’m hoping for?  That there isn’t a nice bow wrapping up the package this season.  I hope we get a surface resolution to the Rust/Marty story, but I hope the big picture conspiracy plot is carried over to next season, with a new locale, cast, creative vision, etc., and I’d even like the door to be left open for the Rust and/or Marty characters to return in the future.

That would add one more notable wrench in the typical creative machine that has driven TV for the last five decades. So while I may not always appreciate the content, I certainly respect the creative vision.

Episode 6: 6.5/10 Pairs of Top o’ the Asscrack Handcuffs

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