The show actually starts out flashback style which many people will have an issue with, and yes I’d rather have CURRENT action but the flashback gives insight to what is happening NOW. Its also great to see Hershel alive and kicking his one leg. man i miss that man, talk about an epic character. We then flash to Rick all bloodied and looking straight from a brutal fight all by himself in the current timeline leaning against an old Bronco type vehicle. Cue the epic theme song that I have as my ring tone (don’t judge me).
The (flashback(s) show us that it was Hershel that made Rick go all “Mayberry” country bumpkin farmer. Its a subtle touch. You never really understood why Rick wanted to be a pig and bean farmer at the beginning of this season at the prison. I mean it makes logical sense. You will not always be able to hunt deer, rabbits and other wildlife, so if you can grow some produce to supplement your troops,  good for you. But Rick wanted to “just” be a farmer as Carol points out in the previous episode “Indifference”. Hershel’s point in these flashbacks is you don’t have to be all brutality and violence all the time, but the irony here is the Governor is who they were up against and no amount of farming can protect you from that kind of violence and what the world has become. There has to be a happy medium. Violence with farming maybe?

We find our post Zombie Apocalypse modern family Rick, Michonne and Carl on the road to Terminus and it does strike me…we seem to always be on the road to somewhere. Its hard to watch this show and not cross over zombie lore you know from print, TV, video games and movies. You know in a lot of movies and such that movement is key. I personally think sometimes you do need to hole up somewhere, fortify and protect. But I’m not a show runner. In the comics; which I have read, a good chunk of the time they are moving, so it makes sense they will always be doing such in the series.

I’m glad the focus is on these three. We haven’t had much Rick this last half of the season and he is out hero, love him or hate him (I’m a woman so I love his skinny ass). You know in the back of your mind Darryl and his knew douche-bag crew are hot on their tail so the tension starts immediately. Carl hears a man crying for help but he is surrounded by a 90′s style mosh pit of walkers. Jesus. I even say out loud “you can’t help him” and they seem to agree.

They find an old Bronco type of abandoned vehicle and stay for the night. Carl is inside and Rick and Michonne have a fire and a talk and roast up a bunny. I never get why there are NO BUILDINGS anywhere in Georgia? I’ve been to Georgia and there are indeed buildings. We even have trains where I am from and buildings are all over the place. But not in Georgia. I guess I just think the threat is too great from both psychopaths and walkers to just be doing an Outward Bound style camping trip all the damn time.

And gee, I’m right. The damn scrubby bunches of oats come along and stick a gun to Rick and Michonne’s head. Carl is awoken and trapped in the car. This isn’t going to end well. Joe says Rick made a mistake killing Larry (is that his name?) on the shitter and letting him turn. I don’t get the loyalty as they killed one of their own last week for stealing a bunny. (Which reminds me Anya from Buffy the Vampire Slayer would be shitting her pants right about now!)

I’m literally watching from behind a pillow. There is a fat marauder who takes Carl form the Bronco as Darryl emerges from the dark. He tries to explain to Joe these are good people.Darryl even offers himself up if Joe wants an “eye for eye” type revenge. Joe decided “nope”… he doesn’t like any of them and he’ll kill them all. Two of the Village People kick the shit out of Darryl while Rick and Michonne seem helpless trying to figure out what to do. It is being heavily implied Carl is about to get accosted in a uncomfortable TV land way. This shit is all happening so fast, Mr Shelly is yelling at me to calm down, my dogs are barking! Mass hysteria!!!!

Rick then finally head butts Joe, he drops his gun and all this mish mash shit happens and Rick goes Full Metal Jacket on his ass and bites…. yes B-I-T-E-S his neck. I kinda knew it was coming from the comics but still its a moment that takes your breath away. (Slow Clap The Walking Dead). Michonne wastes no time and stabs her assailant. Darryl takes care of his. And Then Rick basically filets the chubby soon to be child rapist … and boom thats it. Shit was real. Shit was crazy. Shit went down.

So now the scene from the beginning where Rick is mangled in Joe blood makes sense. Rick is not fucking around be a pig farmer any more.

Michonne comforting Carl in the Bronco and Darryl and Rick talking. Darryl is feeling guilty for being with these dirt bags and Rick assures him he loves him lke a brother. In fact he says :you’re my brother”. Now Mr Shelly is really angry because I’m shedding tears . This is huge. Daryl lost Merle and Rick being his “big brother” is huge.

Okay on with Terminus.

Now Rick and Michonne always seem to have more sense than the rest of the group so they with Darryl and Carl stake out the outskirts of Terminus. It seems quiet. But dammit you know this shit isn’t a good place. Even if you haven’t been spoiled, you know this isn’t Passages in Malibu waiting for you to kick your opioid addiction on a beach. Rick decides to hide the guns in a hole because he doesn’t know what might happen. Carl and Michonne talk. Michonne is worried that Carl thinks his dad is a monster for what he did back at the Bronco. Michonne  then shares her story of losing her baby Andre. Finding her boyfriend and his friend getting high in a refugee camp and hinting thats the reason Andre got killed as she was on a supply run. It makes sense because she made them her “pets” . She is pointing out she might look like a monster too. But Carl re-assures Michonne, he’s not afraid of Rick and doesn’t think he is a monster but doesn’t want to let him down. Carl has some pretty bad thoughts too and is afraid his dad will think he’s a monster. Okay he’s a monster, she’s a monster, I’m a monster.

Jesus.. there is a lot of stuff happening in this episode. Okay now we enter Terminus. Now they check the place out and scale the fences. They all have weapons except the aforementioned bag of guns and enter what appears to be the back way in. We see a lady on a HAM radio of sorts recording the creep “Those who arrive survive” slogan. Dammit!! Why aren’t our fearless leaders communicating with some long range walkies or HAM radios??!! I’m not an expert but shit, it should be mentioned! Anyway the place looks like a sewing factory? People are just walking about and they all have a place to be. So then this skinny guy sees them and is taken back but comes off pretty smooth. His name is Gareth ( what kind of g’ damn name is that?) he says they came in the back way but they are still welcome. He asks them to place their weapons down. They of course hesitate but oblige. Some other goofy guys comes to pat them down and then their weapons are returned. Seems legit . (NOT)

You must be screaming at your TV like I am..”Where is Glenn, where is Maggie”??!! No sign of them anywhere until Rick and company find their way out to Mary with her weirdo Amish side braid cooking up more “grub”.

Rick notices Glenn’s book-bag, the pocket watch from Hershel, the riot gear from the prison and Maggie’s hideous poncho! He knows they have his people and he draws his weapon. I cover my eyes again! Now Gareth and his group act like they got these things from people they have found (bullshit) and Rick knows its bullshit. So Rick, Michonne, Carl and Darryl all have their weapons drawn but they are clearly outnumbered. Rick has the goofy one with the gun to his head and he says to Gareth “we can wait”. Obviously these creepy ass people have a plan but that Gareth is as cool as a cucumber. He says its obvious that Rick doesn’t trust them anymore. Then an all out shootout happens. They have snipers on the roof..(why didn’t they see them when they were checking the place out before!). It becomes clear quickly that they aren’t trying to actually shoot Rick and his group but “herd” them into one spot. Michonne, Rick, Darryl and Carl are running through this maze of crazy train cards and buildings. They run by a pile of rib cages, meat and human spines.

(ya know the usual)

Also by a train car with people saying “help”! (So there are more people prisoner there). They enter a room with weird candles and what seems like hundreds of names on the floor. Also in the style of Morgan there are words painted on the wall “Never again, never trust, we first always” That sounds like Lyrics to a Miley Cyrus song? And why all those name son the floor? This is a creepy Hannibal Lechter vibe at an epic proportion.

Finally They are herded to where Gareth wants them. They are surrounded even on the outside edges of the fence. They must surrender or be shot. Its pretty touch and go. Gareth wants Rick, “The Ring leader” , Michonne” The Samurai”, and Darryl ” The archer” to go to the train car (labeled “A”). Poor Carl looks like he is about to bite it. I’m literally about to burst out of my seat. He then tells Carl to follow the them into the train car. I mean its like when you think what you do if you were kidnapped.. you wouldn’t get into the car, but really what do you do when someone has a gun.. or multiple guns to your head? You comply.

Then in the last seconds of the show we see, Glenn, Maggie, Sgt Abraham Ford, Rosita, Eugene, Drunk Bob and Sasha. But noooo Tyrese, Carol or little ass kicker!???!!! They all look at each other but no hugs? Its weird but yet a relief, but yet not! rick utters his last lines “They just screwed with the wrong people” and its Arnold Schwarzenegger-esque and I love it!

So where are My Carol, Tyrese and baby Judith? Where is Beth? is she being served up as a snack or is she part of them or somewhere else all together?! OMG October is going to be like hell to wait for!

Love and Sloppy kisses gang!!

~Shelly

The post The Walking Dead “A” Season 4 finale appeared first on screensnark..

Joe decided they should split (literally) little bunny foo foo in half because Darryl didn’t know the ZA rules of their gang. Why the fuck is Darryl staying with them? He knows how to track, he has seen the signs?? He could have left in the middle of the night and high tailed it to Terminus (which I’ve already stated may not be the best idea.. .but its better than staying with this fucks)!

Back at the tunnel…. Abraham, Rositia (with a new Forever 21 outfit), and Eugene (Looks like a dead Ringer for John Laroquette)…..

decide they will get into a mini van they found and still head toward DC. While Glenn and Tara limp and muster through the tunnel with about 15 bullets… makes perfect sense.. Abraham takes a nap in the back seat which looks like it smells like equal parts of zombie intestines and an old grandpa who smoked, while Rosita and Eugene “navigate” their way through the back roads of Georgia.  I’m hoping they find honey Boo Boo in McIntyre ( I smell a crossover event!)

Turns out Eugene is giving Rosita all the wrong directions so they can get back to Glenn and Tara and help them. Boy Eugene seems really confusing as he wants to get to Washington DC and save the world, but also wants to help Glenn .

Glenn and Tara discover the Tunnel is collapsing and so Glenn is checking each walker he sees to make sure it isn’t Maggie. What is he going to do if he sees a beautiful farm girl walker? There are boulders and rocks everywhere from the collapse and of course klutzy ass Tara gets her ankle stuck. She tells Glenn to go but we just had death last week so I’m not thinking Tara will die. Glenn is trying to get her out of this weird rock to no avail when all of a sudden a huge group of people you can’t see pull up and start a shootout similar to the Departed (sighhhhh Scorsese should do TV).
Its Rosita, Eugene, Abraham, and Drunk bob, AND Sasha and ……drum roll… Maggie. Now I don’t think Maggie and Glenn have shit for chemistry but they are the only couple left so I cheer they are reunited (for now). She explains a bunch of walkers swarmed them in the tunnel (dumb asses should have gone AROUND) and she shot the ceiling to hit them in the heads with the concrete. They are hugging and she finds the picture Glenn took of her in the jail watchtower (i can’t help humming Bear McCreary’s version of the song) and she says “you don’t need that anymore, we’ll never be apart again”. Gee that’s not a red herring or anything?

back to Darryl and the shitheads. The guy who fought over the bunny has now planted it in Darryl’s luggage (a trash-bag) to make him look like he lies. Joe doesn’t like lying. Hmmm I feel like Joe is down with raping, killing, pillaging and shitting on our back… but he doesn’t like a liar? Go figure. Turns out Joe knew his buddy bandit planted it on Darryl. The group starts to beat him as Darryl goes to sleep (WTF?) Darryl wakes up as they are moving closer to terminus and sees the bandit has been beaten to death outside the auto body shop they stayed in the second night. So now Darryl knows they will kill you if you don’t follow their rules. And still he doesn’t say “hey man I have to take a shit I’ll be back” and then run away? I used to think this zombie apocalypse would be an adventure, now i’m not so sure.

Now flash to Maggie and Glenn co…we see the group heading toward the fuckery place of terminus. Eugene said they should help out and then go to DC. Seems Eugene has no intention of EVER getting to DC. They get to a first gate and there is no sign of ANYONE. No Rick, Michonne and Carl.. whom appeared to be ahead of them. There is no locks , there is NOTHING but the sign TERMINUS. WTF? Why not scope a place out? Why just think its the girl scouts of America? I’d be scaling the outside perimeter like a mother fucker. What is wrong with these people?

They go in further: laundry tubs with old style washboards, plants and sunflowers. Definitely looks like a hippie commune. and then We see a lady barbecuing up “something” and she turns around. Her name is Mary and she is going to offer them up a plate.

Tits on a stick!! A plate of what???!!!!!!! I can’t be the only one getting a really really bad feeling about this!!

Again the preview for next week is dubstep with intestines. Rick is covered in blood so it could be anything. I’m betting on a major death but at this point I don’t really want anyone to die. i will say right here , right now, if little ass kicker baby Judith dies I’m going to have to switch to Dancing with the Stars; and i’d rather a dog fart in my face.

Love and Sloppy kisses!!

~Shelly

The post The Walking Dead “Us” appeared first on screensnark..

Okay so like holy bajeezus! This week I and many of you got what we finanllllllly needed… A great episode!!! The last two have been “okay” with Darryl and Beth, but they are making mistakes left and right being silly and now they are split up and Darryl is with what appears to be some grim looking dudes.

This week is all about Carol, Tyreese, crazy Lizzie and Mika (or Micah? I have no idea) and of course little ass-kicker herself; Baby Judith. We see the episode open up with them shoveling along the railroad and they go off to look for food (? I think my dogs were barking at that point) And they see a house. A pretty decent house. It doesn’t look as anal and well taken care of as the cemetery house from last episode but a nice house none the less. Carol and Tyreese (an unlikely pairing) have great chemistry together and I don’t mean sexual. I mean they play well off each other. You know there is tension and a history but yet everything seems to happen organically. They actually have the forethought to “clear” the house before they let the girls come in. I’m telling you this is something that should be Zombie Apocalypse world 101. Not sitting down eating Jam and playing drinking games (I’m looking at you Beth and Darryl!).

As the girls sit there with baby Judith letting the adults make sure the house is safe, there is some pretty eerie possible foreshadowing. A little grave with bronze baby shoes. I immediately think poor baby Judith is going to bite it. I’m hoping not because as I’ve pointed out this show is little on the hope in a jar side. Baby Judith I believe, is the only beacon of hope that can bring this group back together. She is much more important than she may ever realize.

Earlier on the railroad a walker gets trapped in the tracks and as Tyreese goes to kill it Lizze begs for him not to. She is so flat out wrong about what the walkers are. Its not that she isn’t getting it, she will never get it.

This becomes evident as Carol is brewing tea in the quaint kitchen (which how awesome it this house has propane still?!!!! Again I think about this shit too much but in “The Stand” by Stephen King everyone got to “pick” a house and set it up as their own, I always was drawn to that part of the ZA ( not that it would be fun but I was always fascinated by it). Anyway Lizzie is playing freeze tag with the Walker. For christ sake. She can’t just play TV tag with Mika? they can’t just spout of “Sam and Cat, Sponge Bob, Survivor”? She has to play tag with a walker. See she doesn’t get it.

It escalates from there. Carol expresses how Sophia died and how her being too sweet is what killed her. She parallels Mika and her own daughter. Lizzie just going on with her blank expression and the differences between the two sisters couldn’t be more apparent. Mika can’t kill “alive” people and Lizzie can’t seem to kill a walker but has no problem putting a bullet in between the eyes of anyone. See there can be a healthy balance. It reminds me of “Wife Swap“. They always pick two ridiculously different moms. A slob who doesn’t make her kids bathe and enjoys they all smell like meat thats been left out on the porch for a forte night vs a super anal clean freak mom , who scrubs her children with a Brillo pad and bleach. See its ridic. You can meet in the middle. Kill walkers and kill people who threaten you.

We learn that Lizzie is the one who has been feeding the walkers back at th eprison as she returns to the railroad walker and tried to feed him. I have kids, I have 2 daughters a tad bit older than Lizzie and Mika. I know this is make believe, but I’m confident in the fact my daughters would know that a damn zombie is a damn zombie. Even on the Telltale Game “The Walking Dead” Clementine knows she has to kill Lee. She KNOWS IT!

Carol and Tyreese go off not too far to look for a deer to have as meat. Carol is not seeing the full picture of Lizzie’s psychosis. She’s not privy to all the info we have on her, or maybe she’s not looking for it. You can tell something weird is coming, there is never an ice cream sundae on this show.

Tyreese tells carol of his dreams of Karen and how he only sees a stranger killing her. I’m yelling at the TV at this point”Shut up Carol! Don’t do it”! I don’t want her to reveal SHE killed Karen (and David) I don’t think it will give Tyreese what he needs right now. They walk back to the house and we see Lizzie. Jesus Christ bananas. her hands are covered in BLOOD. yes fucking blood. I’m so worried for baby Judy. I can’t hear her and the camera pans to the ground. baby Judith is okay and Mika ids dead. I actually GASPED! This was some Breaking Bad killing Hank, ER Lucy getting stabbed, Dallas “who shot J.R.” type of shit.

Tyreese and Carol are in shock and trying to keep it together. In that one moment it all comes to fruition. Lizzie is sick, and I’m sorry this is the ZA, they don’t have time to treat her with meds even if they could find some at a pharmacy. That’s not how mental illness works. Lizzie tries to explain she wants Mika to come back, in fact she didn’t “hurt her brain” and then Carol will see.. she”ll see what Lizzie is talking about. They aren’t just undead soulless monsters, they are playmates? The fuck?

Lizzie also confesses she was about to kill baby Judith before they came up. Carol nervously points out “she can’t even walk yet”… because what the fuck do you say to a little girl lost? She convinces Lizzie to let Tyresse take Judith to the house and she can tie up Mika in case she becomes dangerous. Lizzie obliges and Carol has to obviously take care of Mika before she turns. I
m literally reeling from this. Its a gut punch. yes Lizzie has been a weird kid for weeks now and very detached, but this was hard. that was HER SISTER. I immediately think if she can do that to her sister, her only family left in this world… she can do that to ANY OF THEM. Its clear what Carol is going to have to do.

She takes Lizzie for a walk and Lizzie begins to get upset “Are you mad at me” she apologizes for raising her gun to Carol. She still ins’t getting it. There is no hope for her to ever get it. You hear off screen a single shot. Which bookends Carol’s poor sweet Sophia’s fate by Rick. (which was also a gut wrenching scene).

Carol and Tyrese are now sitting in the house talking about what happened. Carol now decides to confess what she did to karen. I really don’t know how Tyreese will react but Carol has some big balls to do this. But maybe she was sick of carrying guilt over a decision she felt just in doing? He says he forgives her but he will never forget, so that may foreshadow some shit to come. One thing is certain they must leave this house in “the grove” . They need to see if their group may be at “terminus” and so they walk on. Melissa McBride should straight up win a g’ damn Emmy for this epic yet hard episode!

Next week the previews are always so mishmash its like scenes played to dubstep, So I have no clue whats about to happen. But again “terminus” doesn’t sound like Happy, Texas.

Love and Sloppy Kisses~~ Shelly

The post Walking Dead “The Grove” appeared first on screensnark..

We are intersected also with Maggie, Drunk Bob, and Sasha. We see a little of Bob’s back story and how he was alone for so long until Darryl and co. found him. I will say the only one of this whole show whom I believe could survive alone for any amount of time is Michonne. So Bob doesn’t want to be alone and argues with Sasha they should follow Maggie when she wants to leave and look for Glenn. I agree, its suicide to go on your own, plus why would you want to live like that? I think about the Zombie apocalypse an absurd amount of time. I believe I’d want to be with a small group I could trust. I’d never need to be in a town like Woodbury or anything of the such, but alone? No thank you.
Maggie is a bit ahead of them on the railroad tracks and drunk bob and Sasha bicker the whole way about how they should be living. She believe they should find some high building (In Georgia) and grow food and shit. Bob thinks they should push on and meet up with Maggie. He has hope, which this show has little to none of.

Back to Darryl and Beth Gump. They are eating more jam and jelly and he hears the dog again, and you can see the set up coming but I still squeal. “Knock Knock” …. ” who’s there?” A BUNCH OF ZOMBIES AT YOUR DOOR! Jesus Darryl!  He just swings the door open thinking it’ll be his furry friend and its like a group of Woodstock zombies right there. He screams for Beth to run (with her gimp ankle) and the zombies push themselves in. Now this is my problem. This Apocalypse has been going on for some time now. Michonne and Rick are pretty good at “clearing” a place and they dot their i’s and cross their t’s. Darryl knows better. Is his judgement clouded with Beth? I don’t know but it annoys the piss outta me.
Beth scuffles and goes “somewhere”. Darryl goes to the basement where they embalm the bodies and fights the walkers off one by one and manages to escape yelling for Beth. He sees the book-bag full of money and jewels he took last week (don’t get me started on that??!!! Shit isn’t worth anything any more dummy). And he’s looking for her. We then pan to a car with a cross graphic on the back of it. well you know what that means? I never trust people with those Jesus fish on their cars or a cross! they are the first to cut you off, and the first to tailgate you! So I’m pretty sure its doomsday for Beth (which I’d be okay with… Darryl belongs with Carol anyway).

.. back to Sasha and Drunk Bob split up after kissing on the railroad and Maggie is way ahead of them now. There have been signs for “terminus” (which does that sound like a friendly place to head for?) “All who arrive, survive”? Am I the only idiot who thinks that sound like a damn trap? the frack I’m going there thinking its a sanctuary.

Sasha finds some building that has a loft like place in it. She looks out the window and sees Maggie taking a snooze between two walkers on the ground by an ice cream truck! I shit you not. I feel some editing was done poorly here. There is no explanation that Maggie is literally laying in dirt hanging out with walkers. But Sasha sees some zombies coming to ward her and decides to help Maggie. its exciting and gross and the two girls hug. They agree they should stick together. They finally catch up with Drunk Bob who was just plugging along the railroad, so now this whole episode for them was kinda silly since there are now a team again.

Ending scene.. Darryl is sitting in the middle of the leaf covered highway just I guess feeling sorry for himself and upset he lost Beth. And we see a group of men approach him. The leader being (Jeff Kober!! Who is never never ever a nice guy!). He is the guy from the group of bandits from a few episodes ago who Rick had to kill one of them. This isn’t good. Darryl aims his cross bow but the leader says “Why hurt yourself when you can hurt others”. So basically they are telling him to join their gang, He has no choice. Christ is there ever a moment of hope on this show? I’ve read a good chunk of the comics and they are much more rough, but this is TV land!! You have to give me a bone.

Only two episodes left…. and I’m sure there is no light at the end of this tunnel.

Love and sloppy kisses ~ Shelly

The post The Walking Dead “Alone” appeared first on screensnark..

Not nearly enough time to devote to this outstanding show, but I wanted to make sure to post some praise while it was still fresh in my mind.

I recently binge watched the first season and absolutely loved it.  The level of tactical expertise and strategic talent required to elicit a convincing portrayal of Soviet deep cover agents out of American actors is almost incomprehensible.  Add to that the creative manipulation necessary to force an American audience to relate and feel sympathy for people who represent our Cold War enemies and we have the makings of a potential all-time great show.  Until recently, the primary premise for the show would never have even been considered, but the rise in appreciation for artistically driven TV drama has allowed creative freedoms to grow where they otherwise would have been squashed at conception.

Specifically from the first two episodes from this season, I’ve enjoyed the further development of the secondary characters.  The depth that’s been added to the Soviet Rezident, along with the introduction of his new underling has further enhanced the nuance of each episode.  Obviously one of the great advantages to spy drama done well is that the characters should have natural layers to them from the outset of the series, so any additional breadth that is added will have an exponentially positive effect.  And while we’re only in the beginning of season 2, we’ve already had Nina, a relatively major character, turned from Soviet agent to American asset back to Soviet counter-intelligence.  For most TV characters, that’d be enough to make up an entire seven season run, and all of that happened in a 13 episode stretch!

Since every major character is now theoretically and realistically in play to be turned with potentially catastrophic effects for the rest of the cast, the series is set up to be perpetually explosive.  Another significant advantage that the show has in its back pocket is that we know there is the firm endgames of mid-80s perestroika and glasnost that will spell the end of KGB presence in the US.  Or does it?  Can’t wait to see.  And finally, having Keri Russell play a lead role is doubly effective, since we’ve never seen her in anything remotely close to this.  Hell, there’s never been anything remotely close to this, I’m rooting for the goddamn godless pinko Soviets, what the fuck, I love it!

The post Daily Snark: The Americans S2E1-2 appeared first on screensnark..

-The Peanuts gang standing around Schroeder playing the national anthem on his piano was kinda simple and sweet.  METLIFE!

-The Fox NFL guys are all on the field pretending they know the gameplan.  Get off the field before you hurt yourself, Howie

-The referees get a ring, too?  Are you serious?

-Boy, I am not even going to want to watch Brooklyn Nine Nine and New Girl after 412 promos.

-Terry Bradshaw’s talking to a camel.  That’s about right.

-Holy shit, Frank Gifford looks 93.  Being married to Kathie Lee will age you horribly.

-PS, Michael Strahan Hall of Fame class 2014.  Hell yeah! Although I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Jay Pharoah’s hysterical Strahan impression on SNL last night.

-Jimmy Johnson is white guy dancing while Strahan grabs peoples phones asking for predictions.  It’s pretty early to be running out of ides, fellas.

-haha, Bruno Mars got his name from former WWF champion Bruno Sammartino?  I did not know that.

-Fantastic tribute to Pat Summerall.  One of the greatest.  Now we get Joe Buck and Cris Collinsworth.  Yeesh.

-KFC and Metlife have spared no expense during this pregame.  They have ads on literally every single break.

-I don’t really care who wins, but I’d like Eli to be the only multiple ring wearer in the house.  But wouldn’t mind if Champ Bailey won.

-Randy Moss talks with Wes Welker about redemption after his drop towards the end of his last Super Bowl.  Fellow staff writer Phil is a huge Patriots fan, so I absolutely love referencing those Giants-Patriots games because it makes him sad :)  Although he bought me a Giants championship T-Shirt as a get well gift.  He’s a good egg.

-Over/Under on offensive plays before Percy Harvin gets broken: 6.5?

-I marked out for Jamie Foxx introducing himself as Steamin Willie Beamen.  Where my Any Given Sunday fans at?

-Get O’Reilly and Obama off my football!

-Does the Puppy Bowl have a winner?  Is it a real game in any way?  It scares and confuses me.  Fun Fact: 65% of the original puppy bowl players are dead. *not actual fact

-Aw, man.  Philip Seymour Hoffman in the Hunger Games commercial.  RIP, bud.  You were awesome.  Heroin, kids.  Not even once.

-There’s one sound that no one knows.  what does John Fox say?!  Dammit.

-I wouldn’t mind if John Fox won, either.  Former Giants defensive coordinator.

-Russell Wilson is such a good, humble kid.  I like him a lot.  And to think he just as easily could have been a Texas Ranger.  He could have been the next Bo or Deion!  Or is that even allowed anymore?

-Peyton says Eli’s never thrown his 2-0 Super Bowl record in his face, that they pull hard for each other.  That’s gotta be a little bit of bullshit, right?  ELIte!

-Everyone except Jimmy is taking the Seahawks.  So the Broncos will win big.

-Only about a half hour from kickoff.  and then four more hours!

-Queen Latifah sings America The Beautiful with a youth choir and it was kind of a mess.  And what the hell, did she only know the first verse?

-Kurt Russell narrating the Seattle Seahawks story set to Metallica was kinda badass.

-haha, a lady rode out of the tunnel on an actual bronco.  I really wanted that thing to get spooked and just start taking people down.

-You don’t hear the national anthem sung in opera often.  I kinda liked it.

-Are the bad lip sync guys working for McDonald’s now?  That was kinda funny.

-haha, Joe Namath fucks up the coin toss.  Off to a great start.

-And we’re underway!  Let’s go!

-Holy shit!  A Seattle safety on the first play of the game!

-Never challenge the spot, Pete

-And the Broncos hold them to a FG. 5-0 Seattle.  This is gonna be a weird one.

-The Broncos had 76 touchdowns this year.  That’s absolutely ludicrous.  Peyton has been on Madden easy mode.

-Doug Baldwin with a huge catch!  No relation to Alec.  The Hawks are beasting it on 3rd down,

-My snack of choice today is Tim’s kettle chips.  Salt & Vinegar and Jalapeno.  West coast company.  If you have Tim’s at your local store, I can’t recommend them enough.

-FG is good.  8-0 Seattle

-Chancellor interception!  The Hawks D is proving to be legit. Denver can’t get anything going so far.

-1st time in the history of the Super Bowl that a team didn’t record a first down in the 1st quarter.  And it’s the best offense of all time.  Damn.

-Beast Mode with the TD!  Don’t let this get out of hand, Denver.

-How is a recloseable beer bottle a selling point?  Oh, this is just too much beer for me.  Drink the damn beer, pansy!

-Dammmn, Manning picked off again for a touchdown!  They were finally driving, too.  22-0.  This is getting out of hand early.

-Annnnnnd Denver fumbles the kickoff return.  Seahawk ball.  This is ugly, you guys.

-Nevermind.  Ruling overturned.  Denver needed that bad.

-Turnover on downs.  They could have gotten a FG.  They’re determined to be shut out.

-The only other team to be shut out in the first half was the Giants.  but Kerry Collins was not Peyton Manning.  Fuck that game.  Fuck the Ravens.

-Seems like Peyton has abandoned OMAHA!  He has chosen poorly.

-I though the Bruno Mars/Red Hot Chili Peppers halftime show was actually pretty good.  It felt like a party.  Looked like it cost a gazillion dollars, though.

-I wish Fox had given Bob’s Burgers some exposure with the post Super Bowl slot.  Their football episode last week was hysterical.

-Holy shit, Percy Harvin just returned the opening kickoff for a TD.  This is a beating.  I doubt any team has ever scored on the first play of each half.

-haha, the Doberuahua commercial was funny.

-Way for Heinz to pretend tapping their glass ketchup bottles are a fun activity when it’s irritating as hell.

-I actually have a bag of Skittles as part of my snacking.  This is purely coincidental, I swear.

-Annnnd Denver fumbles.  Turnovers are fucking up their world right now.

-Luke Wilson is on the Seahawks?  I love Old School!

-Holy shit, Jermaine Kearse with the touchdown, bouncing off his tacklers.  This game is ridiculously lopsided.

-Damayrius(I’m not even going to pretend to know how to spell that) Thomas gets a TD for the Broncos.  Damn.  I was hoping for a shutout.

-Butterfinger peanut butter cups?  Way to fuck up a perfectly good peanut butter cup.

-Doug Baldwin TD, no relation to Stephen.  This is just stupid now.

-They keep referencing Seattle GM Jon Schneider which is making me laugh because that’s my brother.

-The first ad for the return of 24 features Jack Bauer hobbling along a burning street with a wounded Chloe as he screams and fires his weapon.  Can.t fucking wait.

-haha, we get a shot of Eli looking morose.  “I thought I taught you how to win the Super Bowl, brother.  Why don’t you listen to me!?”

-Peyton fumbles as he’s completely given up at this point.  My dad told me Denver by a lot.  I should call him after the game.

-Tarvaris Jackson is playing quarterback in the Super Bowl.  In other news, a pig just flew by my window.

-The Gatorade bath was orange.  Did you degenerate gamblers win your prop bet??

-Well, I don’t like Pete Carroll but I like a lot of his players, so good for them

-Man, the championship parade in Seattle is going to be bonkers.  12th man.

-I thought about doing New Girl and Brooklyn Nine Nine as well, but forget about it.  I just listened to Joe Buck all day long.  I’m going to read a book for a while.  Sincerely.

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1/18-The Spoils Of Babylon “Kicking The Habit”-IFC

-This show is so fucking bizarre, you guys.  It’s a spoof of all those 70s and 80s mini series events like The Thorn Birds and it is hysterical.  Will Ferrell plays Babylon scribe Eric Jonrosh and he narrates us through this ludicrous love story starring Tobey Maguire, Kristen Wiig, Tim Robbins and Haley Joel Osment to name a few of the heavy hitters.

-Haley Joel Osment didn’t grow up awkward looking at all.  Not at all.

-Kristen Wiig is in love with Tobey Maguire, her brother.  However he brought home a new love from the war.  That role is being played straight.  By a Mannequin.

-haha, I was unaware that I would need 3D glasses for the scene in which Wiig’s character burns the mannequin alive.  “The fire!  It’s coming right at me!”

-Tobey decides that it is now his plight to wander the earth with this burnt mannequin head.

-Also, as if this thing weren’t star studded enough, the mannequin was voiced by Carey Mulligan.  How’d they rope that frail, humorless thing into this?

-Cynthia seeks out Devon and finds him strung out on heroin as a Jim Morrison-esque poet.  He vows to kick the habit and what follws is a silly ass detox montage shot in both a film noir style and a 70s drug flick style.  This bit goes on far too long for my liking.

-Tim Robbins as the Morehouse patriarch is probably my favorite part of this show.  He’s hilarious, especially here as he is losing control of his mental faculties and keeps whacking Devon repeatedly with his cane.

1/22-Live with Kelly and Michael-NBC

-Joined In progress as I didn’t feel in the mood for their banter

-I was in the mood for Michael B. Jordan, however.  aka Wallace from The Wire and Vince Howard from Friday Night Lights, but most recently his rave reviews for Fruitvale Station, which I’ve seen and he was phenomenal.  Love this guy.

-He and Kelly are both All My Children alumni.  Humble beginnings, indeed.

-He’s starring in his first comedy, That Awkward Moment, because he dies a lot onscreen and wanted to make it to the third act finally.  haha.

-Now they have some doctor there to give heart health tips and I swear to god, Michael curtsied for this fuckin guy.

1/17-Olbermann-ESPN2

-Yeah, I don’t even watch my sports news shows in a timely manner.  I know, I know.

-Bloomingdale’s has commissioned 48 different “stylish” football helmets in conjunction with the Superbowl and oh man, are they ugly.  Flowers, beads, spikes, a panda bear.  Nope.

-Keith misses the old Jim Thorpe era leather earflap helmets.  But you know, concussions.

-Still talking about this Peyton Manning Omaha shit.  As a hardcore Giants fan, I can tell you that Peyton’s little brother has been using that hard count for years.  Where’s Eli’s Omaha Steaks offer?

-Will Peyton Manning overcome his Brady demons?  Spoiler alert: yep.

-Hawks-Nets in London.  Paul McCartney is there and Joe Johnson freaks out and starts going beast mode all over his old team

-Who the fuck is guarding Johnson? 26 points in the first half.  God damn.

-Rex Ryan has the most New York Jet playoff wins in team history.  yikes.  how depressing must that be for Jet fans?

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1/09-TMZ-Fox

-If it makes you feel any better, I hate myself for watching this.

-Michelle Rodriguez got bombed courtside at the Knicks game and started full on tongue kissing her supermodel friend.  This was pleasant.

-The Honey Boo Boo clan got in a car wreck and injured themselves and Harvey and the gang are laughing hysterically as they are wont to do.

-Rapper Tiger(?) bought and tricked out a 2014 Maybach for 2.2 million dollars.  I’ve never even heard of this fucking guy.  what the hell?

-Goofing on the new Bachelor, Juan Pablo and ABC’s horrendous promotion of it.  This Juan-uary, Juan Pablo is simply Juan-derful.  Good grief.

-They’re gushing over Tim Tebow predicting the score of the BCS Championship game.  TMZ loves them some Tebow.

-Kellen Lutz in NYC defying the cult that is Crossfit.  Says he tried it and it’s just bad for your joints.  Hey, I’ll buy it.  Have you seen that guy?  He’s bu-uuuuuuffff #EncinoMan

-Hey Rod Stewart, what do you think of the Beatles? “Couldn’t give a fuck”  Alrighty then, thank you for your time.

-Instagram of Alexander Sarsgaard taking an epic dump in Antarctica, just butt naked sitting on a toilet on a glacier.

1/09-Conan-TBS

-I’m pretty much watching Conan out of a sense of loyalty at this point, and even that’s going to end in a month when Fallon takes over the Tonight Show and goes head to head with Kimmel.  Conan just isn’t very funny anymore.  he’s on autopilot and it’s sad.  the Jimmys are both doing fun and creative things and Conan is simply not.  At all.  He’s like my seventh favorite late night host at this point.  sorry, buddy.  I’ll record you when either Kimmel or Fallon are in repeats.  Deal?

-OK, sweet.  One of the few things Conan does that still amuses me is fucking with his super strange employee, Jordan Schlansky.  and it looks like we’re getting it here.  Conan has hired a professional organizer to help him with his messy office.  Let’s see how this goes.

-”Do you mind if I eat your sandwich during this process?  It really doesn’t matter how you answer” haha

-Jordan keeps a jar of sauerkraut in his desk because it’s a natural probiotic.  why is he so strange?

-”You have cheeses, you have wines, you have salami.  This is a television show yet you seem to think we’re running a moderately sized Italian restaurant”

-haha, Conan finds an old paystub from NBC and is perturbed. “This is garbage”

-”Don’t look me in the eyes.  that was awful.  I just saw the end of the world in your eyes”  That was a fun segment.  more stuff like this and way way less of the band that sings songs that are slightly different from hit songs because of copyright law.  that shit is the anti-funny, O’Brien.

-Marky Mark Wahlburgers is here!

-haha, he’s talking about his wife and child staying at a hotel during the Patriots game because he got into deep trouble when the Patriots lost the Super Bowl a couple years ago(GIANTS!  ELI!).  He threw everyone out of his house and his wife was like “It’s only a game.” and Wahlburgers said “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talkin ’bout!”

-Wahlberg is cracking me up.  now he’s talking about how his daughter is into one direction and she likes Harry.  “That’s nice, honey.  but if I ever see that fuckin guy I’m gonna punch him in the nose.”

-Mark’s youngest son met the Rock and surpassed the high five and punched him square in the nuts.  Mark thought he was gonna catch a beating for that.

-I don’t want to see Lone Survivor, because 1. War movies make me feel uncomfortable and 2. Tim Riggins is in the movie and I know he’s not the survivor.  Seeing Tim Riggins die would traumatize me.

-Kathryn Hahn is out next.  I like her, but it was pretty uneventful.  Her dad is a cheapskate and she felt up Jennifer Aniston’s tits.  She’ll always be the woman who forced herself on John C. Reilly in Step Brothers.  It’s so slippery!

-Last up was comedian Chad Daniels.  he made me laugh.  I liked him.  “If you ever have to give a speech in front of the class, consider taping your dick down.  14 year old boners do not keep a schedule”

1/10-Kevin Hart: Serve And Protect-Comedy Central

-I saw this and decided to record it.  I like Kevin Hart.  I think he’s funny as hell.  And in this program, he is promoting his new movie, Ride Along, by observing police officers.

-Kevin starts out following a parking enforcement officer around and writes tickets with his own personal stamp.  “Gotcha, Bitch!”  The officer isn’t a fan.  He also isn’t a fan of Kevin blowing the whistle right next to his fucking head.

-The officer’s record is 126 tickets in one day.  “Well, that makes you an asshole”

-Next up, he was a security guard at a strip mall and I was dying.  He was talking about this tweaker with purple hair.  He said “He had that Bobby Brown chin back and forth all over the place”

-The security guard talks about seeing a guy jerk off over by the trash can and Kevin quits “High five, though.  good work here watchin people jerk off and shit”

-Now he’s on the police ride along.  “I heard that women arrest more people when they’re on their cycle.  I saw that on worldstarhiphop.com” hahaha

-”I’m not entirely sure what the definition of jaywalking is, but the way he’s crossing the street is throwing me off”

-That was enjoyable.  If you like Kevin Hart.  I think he’s pretty damn funny.  your mileage may vary.

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-One of about three sports news shows I can stand anymore.  I enjoy the banter between these cantankerous old coots.

-Tony’s not buying the Colin Kaepernick kool-aid, because there’s a good chance they’d have to go through Seattle, where the Niners have been getting shit kicked lately.

-Tony puts the Bengals on blast for being 8-0 at home and then losing to a shitty Chargers team that wasn’t even supposed to be there.  If Philip Rivers makes the Super Bowl somehow, I’m going to vomit.

-Talk of the amazing Colts/Chiefs game, and basically Andrew Luck living up to his name with an incredibly lucky fumble bouncing right into his arms which he ran in for a touchdown

-Also, talk of how much command of his team and respect the players have for Luck as opposed to Robert Griffin III, whose teammates won’t even help off the ground.

-The Saints finally win a road playoff game.  Will they continue to do so?  It is Drew Breesus, but I doubt it.

-Yay, now we get to preview the BCS championship game, which I already talked about.  That’s the downside in not watching some stuff in a timely manner.

-The guys are split on whether the NFL should add one more wild card team to the NFL playoffs.  Tony says that means we also would have gotten Pittsburgh-New England and Arizona-Carolina this past weekend.  Hey.  I like football, so I kinda dig it.

-The Colts sign Deion Branch.  Belichicking the Belichick.  I like it.

1/06-Live With Kelly and Michael-NBC

-As a lifelong Giants fan, this is still so bizarre to me.

-Side note.  I had a nurse on my last hospital stay that looked just like Kelly Ripa with dark hair.  I was in love.

-The banter was nothing to write home about here.  Kelly went skiing and talked about her heated gloves for like 5 minutes and Michael doesn’t like it when kids in movie theaters keep sucking on their drinks with nothing in them.

-Carey Mulligan is on and I’d like to induct her into the frail, artsy, humorless actor Hall Of Fame.  Past inductees include Michelle Williams and Johnny Depp.

-I don’t know why, but it’s a pet peeve of mine when someone says someone is called something instead of named something.  For instance, she says Justin Timberlake’s character, who’s called Jim.  No.  he’s named Jim.  I guess either works, but it irritates me.

-Alison Williams is there and is a huge fan of the Bachelor franchise and she’s geeking out over just having met Juan Pablo.  Brian Williams is ashamed.

-Juan Pablo is out and the ladies are just melting the fuck down.  This guy’s got a pretty sweet gig.

1/08-Modern Family “And One To Grow On”-ABC

-I still like this show.  It’s better than a lot of stuff out there.

-Luke is growing up awkwardly. Haley and Alex are definitely not, though

-Phil tricks Luke into attending ballroom dance classes by promising him they were going to autopsy camp. haha

-Phil then gets arrested for Haley’s unpaid parking tickets and all of a sudden Luke’s in a ride along.

-I enjoy that Adam Devine is doing more things then just Workaholics, because he cracks me the fuck up.

-The baby mistakenly said dada to the nanny.  Phil’s response: “It’s fine.  He’s 1.  I watched him pee into his own face and smile”

-Cam is giving Mitchell the business about not being able to make timely decisions “What about that time in Vegas? No, it’s fine.  we’ll just see them the next time when that tiger un-eats Roy” ha

-Lily has the hots for Manny.  That’s nasty.

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-I’ve been on a serious Nat Geo Wild kick lately, you guys.  Animals are so fucking weird and awesome.

-Casey Anderson is our guide and he is such a wilderdude.  He reminds me of my friend, Jake.  Grew up in Montana with nothing to do so now he just follows animals around and shit.  Jake’s a little more civilized.  Barely.

-The guy hangs out with grizzly bears all the time.  Like bros.  Has nobody learned from Grizzly Man?

-I would get so laid in the animal world.  I’m a giant and that seems to be the number one factor in getting chicks over your bros.

-Casey is in an enclosure with golden eagles flying inches away from his face and he thinks it’s so cool.  I would definitely be shitting my drawers.

-Owls don’t make their nests.  They find the nests of other large birds and kill the babies and move in.  Owls are assholes.

-It’s kinda creepy seeing the bears try and mate with Casey looking on and whispering.

-

1/07-The Chew “Start The Year Off Light “-ABC

-The Chew is a fluffy little talk show/food show with hosts Iron Chef Michael Symon(who I love.  He’s like a big goofy drunken uncle), Iron Chef Mario Batali(who I like, because his Italian food looks amazing), Top Chef alum Carla Hall(who we HATE, because Carla), Dr. Oz’s daughter, Daphne, because nepotism, and some flamingly gay boy named Clinton who I have no idea why he’s there.

-Over the holiday, Michael drilled hooks into his ceiling to hang legs of lamb to cook in front of his fireplace.  haha, of course he did.

-Carla cooked Christmas dinner.  Fried chicken, black eyed peas, collard greens and cornbread.  Uhhhh, no comment.

-haha, Carla’s trying to teach fun tips and tricks and she has this hanger with clips on it to hang up and clip open a cookbook and the whole thing falls apart as she’s doing it.  Fuck you, Carla.  How hard is it to look at a cookbook anyways?

-Daphne’s cooking some chicken but instead of breading she’s using crushed pistachios.  That sounds incrediballs.

-At the same time, Michael is making “Spatchcock ckicken”.  What in the blue hell is that?

-Yuck, Daphne’s using olives in her dish.  way to ruin the awesome pistachio flavor.  Symon takes the lead!

-Now we hear the story of private chef Eduardo Garcia who lost his hand to an infection(I can relate to that, buddy) and he’s still cooking and passionate about food even with his hook hand.  Dicing an onion looks pretty rough.

-Mario and Eduardo gushing about how beautiful Montana is.  man, it’s a Montana lovefest in the Daily today.

-Eduardo and Mario are now making some delicious looking Diablo Shrimp.  God, it must suck to be in the studio audience for The Chew.  To smell all of this awesome food and not eat it.

1/07-Olbermann-ESPN2

-As much as I hate politics Olbermann is as much as I love sports Olbermann.  You know he’s a huge dickhead, but he’s smart.  And I prefer him talking sports a kabillion times more than his political rants.

-BCS Championship game highlights.  That was a fuckin barnburner, you guys.  With some bullshit looking calls being made.  but Florida State ekes it out over Auburn in what was supposed to be a blowout.

-Big fat Charlie Weis is in studio to talk about the game and I really don’t care.

-I like to watch Ricky Rubio play basketball.  He reminds me of John Stockton

-Keith gives a touching teary-eyed tribute to Jerry Coleman.  I did not know this man before now, but he was the voice of the San Diego Padres for 42 years and one of Keith’s early role models.  he also earned 11 air force medals during WWII.  Keith got weepy at the end and it made me weepy, too.

-Dan Snyder gave out bags of apples at Christmas.  A fucking bag of apples?  God, as if I didn’t hate him enough already.

-Tonight’s worst person in the sports world: Kobe Bryant, for having teammate Nick Young do his interview for him.  Nah, I’d give it to Snyder up there.  A bag of apples, shit.

-Video is shown of the Dallas Mavericks starting five doing an Anchorman spoof.  I’ll admit, I laughed out loud.  that was some goofy shit.

-And play of the night goes to Auburn’s 50 yard TD pass.

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