The most interesting aspect of this premiere, to me, was Kathy Bates’ turn as Madame Lalaurie, a woman who lived in reality back in the 1800’s.  In this she’s seen applying blood to her face in order to stay younger, and torturing slaves.  She keeps a torture chamber in her attic where we see all kinds of fucked up torture that’s been inflicted on the poor slaves.  The whole story of Madame Lalaurie and her slave torture is frighteningly true, and I appreciate a little bit of history in my fantasy horror shows.  I mean, of course there are some artistic liberties.  In the show the Madame is poisoned and buried, and dug up some 150 years later.  As far as I know, that didn’t happen in real life.  Scarily, in real life, she fled the country and nobody knows exactly what happened to her.  Who knows what kind of messed up stuff she was off doing?  Also, probably most horrifically, when the police discovered the tortured slaves, they took the ones that were still alive and kept them in jail so people could pay to look at them.  Jesus Christ, olden times were terrible.

Just doing some creepy ass shit

The bulk of the show is seen through the eyes of Zoe, a young woman who didn’t know she was a witch until she discovered her awful “power”.  When she loses her virginity, her boyfriend dies a terrible death.  Now, I know I’ve seen this said elsewhere, but this story line is almost exactly like that of Rogue’s in the first X-Men movie.  Accidentally kills her boyfriend, has to join a special academy for people like her who are persecuted by an ignorant and intolerant society.  There’s only three other students, a movie starlet who can do crazy shit with her mind, a down’s syndrome-ish girl who can read minds, and a gigantic black girl who is a “human voodoo doll”.  By that I mean she can do anything to her body and not feel a thing, inflicting whatever she would be feeling on somebody else.  There’s a neat dinner scene where the 3 other girls get into a small spat and I can’t help but feel like Zoe is completely outmatched at this point.  The other girls can do all this impressive shit, and she’s pretty helpless.  I mean, if she scissors with one of them, will that cause death?  Would she or one of the other girls have to use a strap-on?  First she’d have to convince one to do it with her.  Hopeless.

Zoe and the movie star girl go to a frat party where the starlet gets roofied and raped.  Some dude crushing on Zoe breaks it up and they run back to the bus, but the movie star gal flips the bus, killing most of the boys.  Zoe goes to the hospital hoping to see the kid that was hitting on her, but finds that the one that was left alive was the jerk who roofied her friend.  We see a look of vengeance in her eye, and it’s like, “Oh fuck yes, this kid deserves whatever’s coming his way!”.  But instead he’s sentenced to…..death by snoo snoo.  Seriously, not even a bad way to go.  I hope Zoe finds some hidden powers, because seeing her jerk off the comatose bro to get him hard before she started banging him was kind of…..degrading really.

In other happenings Jessica Lange plays Fiona, a witch who can do basically everything.  She’s known as the “Supreme”, of whom only appear once in a generation. She takes over teaching duties at the school and she’s on a desperate quest to restore herself to youth, much like we saw Kathy Bates’ Madame Lalaurie doing earlier.  The two connect at the end as Fiona has Lalaurie dug up for purposes yet unknown.  Other small hints include some vague mentions of a “council” of witches.  I’m sure that will come into play.  All in all this was a great premiere.  Thrusted me right into a rich world, that I’m very excited to see become darker and darker, if the first season(and probably the second) is any indicator.

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Survivor S27E3 “Opening Pandora’s Box”

Previously on Survivor: Despite looking the part and acting the part of a filthy pirate, as if he lives out on these islands just waiting for Probst to show up every now and again, poor Rupert’s torch was snuffed for a fourth time.  Rupert is not so good at this game.  When given the chance to trade places and go to Redemption Island in place of his wife, he took the offer without hesitation, interrupting Probst’s explanation of what that meant with “AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!”.  Rupert had one in him and looked like a buffoon attempting it. The noob tribe voted out Rachel in the hopes that Tyson would pull a Rupert and replace her at RI, thus weakening the veteran tribe.

We begin the episode at RI where Tyson sees that Rachel has been voted out and is a bright fellow and realizes their plan was to get him to swap places with her.  To his chivalrous credit, he puts the ball in her court and she declines knowing full well that Tyson has a better shot at winning this game than she does.  Tyson then gives his best ” I’m gonna kick the shit outta all you assholes” speech to the other tribe.  He was standing and everything!

With his drama senses now tingling, Colton motherfucking Cumbie begins to openly weep. “I Can’t do this anymore!” Probst scoffs at this bullshit and just lays the fuck into him and it is glorious.  Asking him if he’s quitting, Colton responds yes and Probst reveals(at least I didn’t know) that this wouldn’t be the first time he’s quit as in his previous season, he’d faked appendicitis and was med evac’d.  And he was in total control of his season, miraculously!  What a piece of shit.  God, I hate this guy.  I would bet 1 billion dollars that if he was cast on this season’s Big Brother, you wouldn’t have heard a peep about the other houseguests because this asshole would fill up one day with his racist, hateful comments, let alone a whole summer. Colton probably owes the CBS crew a beer for how GOOD his edit was. Why didn’t they vote his ass out that first day?  Why did they invite him back? 1. Shit exactly like this 2. He wanted to clear his name(hahaha) 3. I hear Rob Cesternino and Wife pulled out at the last second because she got pregnant…so I guess he didn’t pull out, heyyyyyo.

But the best part of all of it was Probst’s absolute shaming of the guy, the kind he only reserves for the ones he truly can’t stand.  From the oh so you’re quitting again, because you faked illness the first time, yeah.  To the you wanted your shot at proving you were a good guy, you got it and you’re still a fuckin asshole. to the go ahead and keep your buff as only “competitors” get to throw it in the fire.  So great.  Don’t let the door hit you, Colton.  The silver lining of this is that arguably the nicest guy in the game, Caleb, his fiancee(how did THAT happen) gets to stay there and play.  So, Jesus, where was I?  Onto the battle between Candice, Marissa and Rachel.  Candice beasts it again at RI and gives husband John a second clue to the hidden idol, leaving Marissa and Rachel to race through some domino stacking tripwire contraption thing. Ultimately, Rachel is sent packing but not before embracing Tyson.  wasn’t he gay before?  I seriously remember him being gay.

“The tribe has fucking spoken, you shitbag.”

The most compelling pair of the season to me is that of Aras and Vytas.  Aras, the superstar former college athlete, former Survivor winner, all around great guy and Vytas, his brother, former junkie and outcast of the family.  Without going into detail, let’s just say I feel Vytas’ pain.  When Vytas talks about how he’d love to take down his brother in a physical challenge, you know shit is about to go down.  We arrive at the immunity challenge where there is a floating platform in the water and the tribes will compete one on one in sumo style beat each other off the platform challenge. Aside from both young ladies embarrassingly both losing to their grandmother aged mothers, the main event is Vytas-Aras for me.

Probst talked to them before their epic duel and Aras said he felt like he was seven years old again about to take on his bully and Vytas remained stoic, prepared to take down his superstar brother.  And the battle begins!  And an epic one it was, no one giving up an inch.  Eventually, Vytas grounded himself on all fours.  Exhausted, Aras was unable to move him, so Aras did the noble thing and took a step back and allowed his brother to regain his footing.  With immunity on the line, Vytas jumped up with a cheap shot on his brother, who shrugged it off and still vanquished him.  Probst asked a visibly emotional Aras what that was like and he replied through tears that he hated fighting his brother then and he hates fighting him now.  Vytas’ response to the same question “I gave him a cheap shot and he still beat me.  He’s the better man” I have a sad face right now.  Vets win again.

So the scrambling begins at tribe ‘we don’t know what the fuck we’re doing’. as Brad Culpepper has become this season’s Amanda Zuckerman(For my Big Brother peeps out there) making irrational decisions one after the other and he’s loud and brash so everyone follows his lead….because it’s too early to take him out you see.  He’s a threat and they need to stay forever in these games.  Uggh. See if you can follow his logic.  John needs to go tonight because when, not if, but when Candice comes back in the game they’ll be unstoppable.  Candice is ALREADY at Redemption Island.  She will have to beast mode the fuck out of it to even make it back in.  She might, but the odds are stacked highly against her.  So John already has one of his legs chopped off, so let’s take him out?  What about when Brad and Monica reconnect at the merge?  He’s a former NFL player.  A real winner having played for those unstoppable Buccaneer teams of the 90s.  Neither of them are at Redemption yet.  How is he not a threat?  Or take Hayden and Kat.  He’s won Big Brother which is a hell of a lot harder to win than Survivor, mentally, plus he’s one of the most fit guys on the island.  No threat there?  Culpepper is a total Zuckerman short term player weakening his own alliance and by proxy, his tribe, out of paranoia and jealousy.

Oh, you didn’t know?  Yo ass betta call sombodyyyyyyyyyyyy!

So we get to tribal and John is blindsided, weakening the shit out of their tribe even more.  He gets to RI and Candice is understandably upset to see him.  He’s like, Hey we get to be together again and she’s like, you moron.

Quote of the episode: Marissa: “Fuck you, Brad Culpepper”  Fuckin A, Marissa.  Fuckin A.

8/10

DVR Demon. I watched this shit.  Now you don’t have to.

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Also, if you’re a dildo about spoilers, tread lightly

Supermarket Superstar S1E9 “Dinner Entrees” Supermarket Superstar is Shark Tank for the Totino’s pizza rolls crowd.  Three home cooks present their new food wares to potential buyers within the industry in hopes of becoming the next Chef Boyardee.  The show is hosted by Stacy Keibler, because when I think highly processed, cheap food, I think of George Clooney’s super gorgeous ex girlfriend.

Tonight’s theme is frozen dinner entrees and first up is Monica who presents the judges with her grandma’s 150 year old recipe Virginia crab pie.  The judges are stuffing their faces and loving every morsel until Monica reveals that it sold at their now defunct restaurant for 34.99.  Get the fuck outta here!  This is Supermarket Superstar, not Top Chef.  Next up is fitness trainer Heather who can never find that quick and easy yet truly healthy entree at the store so she presents them with her healthy noodle and veggie dish which the judges seemed to be pretty indifferent towards.  Needed flavor.  Yeah, I’ve rarely found eating healthy and delicious flavors going hand in hand most days. Lastly, we have Carlos, a successful food truck operator out of New Jersey known as the “empanada guy”.  The judges seem to enjoy his work but find it may be too unhealthy for consumers and that most consumers may not know what an empanada is.  Really?  Really, dude?

Now we move on to the tweaking stage in which the contestants take the feedback given by the judges and use that information to revamp their product as they see fit before presenting it to the investor.  Monica makes her pie the way that she always has and it would have to retail for almost 42 dollars.  She seems to feel that the quality of the seafood will justify the price.  She’s in a dreamland.  Nobody in the world is going to pick out anything from the frozen food aisle at 42 bucks.  Heather’s problem is that it just doesn’t taste like a star.  Nobody cares about it.  And the problem with Carlos is that a single one of his empanadas hits you with 53% of your daily sodium..  The judges snicker “I hope you got cardiologists in the family, so you can make SOME money off these things”

They then have to serve their meal to a focus group and hear their thoughts to see if further revamping is needed.  Rachel added more veggies to hers, Carlos substituted soy sauce in favor of salt, and Monica simply made her gargantuan pies into smaller appetizer sizes.  Why did she fight them so hard on that?  It took her price point from 42 dollars to 4 dollars.  It’s a no fucking brainer.  The focus group loved Carlos’ empanadas.  Go figure.  the baked little pocket of salty deliciousness goes over better than bland noodles and what one member related to “tuna fish on a cracker”

Heather is eliminated because healthy bland noodles with mushrooms(barf) and peppers just ain’t gonna cut it.  now Carlos and Monica move onto the branding stage where they create logos and packaging.  How fun!  Carlos came up with a cool looking Empanada Guy almost superhero on his logo and it looks pretty righteous.  Monica’s looks like everything else in the seafood section of the frozen food aisle.  Their expert shows her an example of how to market a pie without being “just a pie company.  You have to think long term” and shows her a fucking Banquet chicken pot pie box.  Blargggh!  Have you ever had a Banquet product?  They’re about a dollar and taste like shit.  But that’s why they sell so well.  Because people are poor and they cost a dollar.  Do not make your crab pie look like Banquet, for fuck’s sake.

And the investor goes with….

Quote of the episode: “He wants me to change my slogan?  That’s like switching wives overnight!”  What?  Because that’s the same.

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*Blast From The Past* friday night Lights  S2E4 “Backfire” aka The Writer’s Strike season so some weird things are abound.  Eric is coaching for TMU, Landry killed a rapist, Riggins and Street’s adventures in Mexico and Saracen is banging his grandmother’s caretaker.  Oh, and Julie’s a little whore out of nowhere. On the flip side, Lyla is now a born again Christian.

I like the episodes where Coach Taylor gets his hands dirty a little bit and takes shortcuts sometimes.  The story is, college football isn’t making him happy, his wife is at home a couple hours away with a newborn baby, his daughter is acting a whore and he can’t help but feel guilty about it.  So after two pisspoor games to start the season, the Panthers fire Coach McGregor who clearly knows what the fuck happened here.  Buddy makes the call and after doing McGregor dirty, Coach Taylor is back in at Dillon High.  Meanwhile, In Mexico, Jason Street and Tim Riggins are there with a bag full of cash meant for some experimental procedure involving a shark’s fin that will help him walk again.  Season 2 is so weird.  Riggins is getting sick of pounding beers and watching telenovelas for a week and bluntly asks what the fuck are they doing there.

Riggins gets busted by a cop for drinking.  He tries to bribe him and gets tossed in the clink.  Street bails him out and is getting pretty tired of his shit and tells him as much.  As he retreats to the hotel, a less than sober Riggins yells out “Could you at least buy me a couple tacos?”  Eric returns home to his elated family and Buddy pulls in right behind him as if he’d been staking out the house.  Buddy lets him know that McGregor’s lawyered up and gonna fight this.  Realizing his job isn’t as secure as he thought and he simply fell for Buddy’s used car salesman shit again(literally, he’s a used car salesman.  no cute metaphor there), he’s rightfully pretty furious.

Back in Mexico, Tim is questioning the doctor on why this procedure isn’t legal in the US.  The doc answers with “Because the FDA are a bunch of crybabies”.  Get the fuck out of there, Jason!  Newly Christian good girl Lyla decides to help out an ex convict she met and have Buddy hook him up with a job.  Because that’s what happens.  You get out of prison and the hottest girl on the planet pulls up and offers you a ride and employment.

Riggins takes Street out for some good old fashioned booze and karaoke, Mexican style.  Here, Jason makes his grand declaration that he shall walk again and the look on Riggins’ face says it all.  This trip is starting to become real and he realizes that if he doesn’t do something, he may lose his best friend, so he places a call to Lyla and tells her to book it down to Mexico before Jason can get his shark shot.  The episode ends as Coach McGregor shows up at Coach Taylor’s doorstep just to let him know that how this went down was fucked up and he has a family to provide for and couldn’t respect himself if he didn’t confront Eric.  “I’ve been fired before, I’m sure I’ll be fired again, but this is the first time that I’ve ever been screwed by another coach.”  Eric goes sadface.

Thoughts:

-Even the bad episodes of this show are pretty good.  so if you’ve never seen it, get on it!

-The less I talk about Julie and the Swede, the better

-Taylor Kitsch was so damned awesome on this show.  Shame about his movie career.

Quote of the episode: Not a quote, but a sign in Coach Taylor’s office, which sums up what many of the characters are going through this season:

“Character is who you are when no one’s watching.”

DVR Demon.  I watched this shit.  Now you don’t have to.

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Ray Donovan S1E11 “Bucky Fuckin Dent” So as we left the last episode, Sully(the always terrific James Woods) showed up to town to kill Mickey as per Ray’s orders.  Mickey’s fling took a slug in the head and as they were about to do in Mickey, he strikes some sort of deal.  I don’t know what that was, but Mickey’s alive, Sean Walker has been killed and Sully is MIA.  Mickey’s a little slow to the uptake on how to get a movie made.  You usually don’t kill your producer/star.  Meanwhile at the gym, Terry’s banging the married broad again(hey, if you go to confession every time, it’s okay!), when Bunchy walks in on them covered in blood saying he’d done a terrible thing.  They call Ray down there as if he doesn’t have enough shit to deal with what with this maniac he unleashed on LA.  Ray shows up and they take him to the bathroom where the priest that Bunchy thinks touched him as a boy lay bleeding out on the floor.  Ohhhhhh shit.  Business just picked up.

Ray has a conversation with the priest and seems less than convinced that they’ve got the right guy.  The Donovans should really stop laying waste to priests on general principle until they get some fucking intel on the guys.  Ray and Terry go off to have a chat about how to handle this and come back to Bunchy’s doofy ass on top of the priest punching him and screaming.  Bunchy’s a scary man.  Very slow mentally, very strong physically and with a hot temper.  Bad news.

A pretty heartbreaking scene between Ray, Bunchy and Terry follows.  Bunchy says it was all his fault anyway because it never happened to Terry or Ray.  “Maybe I was just one of those kids.  I let him fuck around with me…he was nice to me.  He took me places”  Ray tells him to knock it off with all that shit.  It’s his fault if it’s anybody’s.  He was too preoccupied with getting Mickey’s attention that he didn’t see what was happening under his nose. “Bucky fuckin Dent” he sighed.  Mickey was supposed to take him to that baseball game, got him all fired up about it and then ditched him.  Damn.

Whoaaaa, did not see this coming.  the priest(under duress of a Ray interrogation) confesses to the things he did, but refuses to apologize, instead asking Bunchy “Do you forgive me?”  As Bunchy’s eyes are tearing up, Abby bangs on the door(dammit, Abby.  This is gripping stuff here!) and comes upstairs where the priest pleas for her help.  She quickly realizes exactly what’s happening her and leaves the evil fucker in the hands of the Donovan boys.  They convince Ray to take him to a hospital.  “Alright”, Ray agrees “But I’ll take him.  Alone.”  Well that doesn’t sound fishy at all.  The priest tells them that he’s gonna be killed.  Ray tells him to shut the fuck up.  Father says “You never told them, did you?”  Ray says again to shut the fuck up.  He starts to speak again and Ray puts a bullet between his eyes.  DOUBLE WHOA!  What the fuck is happening here?  What’s your secret, Ray?!

Looks like Bunchy wasn’t the only one who was abused.

Thoughts:

This explains a lot about Ray’s white hot rage towards Mickey, who should have been there to protect them from this much more evil father figure

-This show has its flaws, but this was easily the best of the bunch.  It’s hard not to feel heartbreak for these Boston tough guys as they sit there with the man that filled them with so much hate their entire lives. Seeking revenge?  Justice?  Closure?  I’m not sure.  But in the end, I think they got all three.

-No Sully?  Boo.

Quote of the episode: “You told me you was puttin God in my mouth”  Yeah, that won’t give me night terrors.

DVR Demon.  I watched this shit.  now you don’t have to.

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30 Minute Meals S24E11 “Hot or Not”  Season 24?  Holy crap, Rachael has made a fuckload of meals.  Today’s meal is hot and sweet pepper chicken served over green rice and peas.  first question: what in the hell is green rice?  all my rice is white or brown.  I do love the fact that she addressed the fact that people approach her on the street and tell her “Listen, love your show, but fuck you.  This food takes me at least over an hour to make” to which she responds that it isn’t a game of beat the clock, just restaurant quality meals you can whip up fairly quickly.  touche, Ray.  Way to dance your way out of that one.

This woman talks a mileaminuteidontunderstandwhatimdoing.  If I were actually cooking this meal in question, I would literally need to pause the program every ten to fifteen seconds to get my shit together.  How good are fresh green bell peppers, you guys?  She has these giant bell peppers that look awesome, and I just wanna chomp one.  Oh, just some parsley, basil and tarragon.  I bet every single one of my readers has all of those on hand at all times.  A little trick from the Rachael: Squeeze lemon juice into your blender holding a grater over the top to catch all the seeds.  The more you know.

Watching her make this, I feel not only will you not get this done in 30 minutes, but it will probably cost you at least 30 to 40 dollars just to make this meal.  haha, this woman is delusional.  The end product looks fantastic and that’s why we watch the shows, right?  It’s total food porn.  You’re hungry, but too lazy to work to make anything amazing so you want to watch someone else do it.  Food shows are great, but they will fuck your hunger pangs over.

Joel’s take.  This will take you easily over an hour to make from empty table to finished dish, and it will cost you a lot more than most of you would be comfortable spending on a dinner you have to prepare yourself.  I wasn’t counting, but there had to be like 20 ingredients.  chicken, shrimp, like five different peppers, garlic and a load of herbs and spices.  30 minute meal, my ass.  I’d show you the picture so that you could scoff at the idea of whipping it together in a half hour, but the website doesn’t have one, but here’s the recipe if you’re curious.  I had to do the legwork myself, because I was curious myself.  You can’t learn a damn thing from actually watching the show.  It’s just prettier.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/rachael-ray/reverse-marinade-hot-and-sweet-pepper-chicken-and-shrimp-recipe/index.html

Now excuse me while I search my cupboard for some Chef Boyardee.

DVR Demon.  I watched this shit.  Now you don’t have to.

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Interior Therapy With Jeff Lewis S2E7 “Goth No More”  I’ve been watching so much Bravo that I’m pretty sure my wiener is about to shrivel up and die.  Tonight’s couple are Christian and Jessica and to say her taste is creepy as balls would be an understatement.  There was a naked mannequin in there with a horse’s head that is probably going to give me night terrors now.  There are creepy little dolls everywhere.  EVERYWHERE.  And I don’t mean creepy like a normal creepy doll.  I mean altered to look maximum creepy.  Do you remember Toy Story and that kid who put the bald doll head with the spider legs on it?  Shit like that, everywhere.  hahaha, Jeff asks “Do you have trouble performing sexually in this house?  Because there’s no way!”  Basically, it’s as if Hot Topic threw up all over their house.

As will happen on this show, Christian is coming off as the submissive male to Jessica’s dominant female.  He goes to the bar every night before coming home just to have a beer without having to look at this freakshow.  Ladies, it isn’t fucking hard.  All we want at the end of the day is a cold beer and a football game.  It’s pretty hard to accomplish that if you’re living in a fucking haunted house.  Let the man have a beer in peace!

Zolia, Jeff’s maid usually comes in on these jobs to help out and clean and she is telling him no.  she is super freaked out.  “Deez tings, Jeffery, Zey look-a like-a monstars.”  Jeff decides he’s going to take on the living room, which good for him, because it’s pretty horrid.  Jessica is super apprehensive about this because she knows that means a lot of this awful shit is going in the trash.  She’s having mini panic attacks about every item.  the horse head mannequin gets trashed, thank the lord.  “Hand me the black Christmas Tree” “But that’s our Christmas tree!”  “Get a real one this year.”  Jessica is weeping and Christian is smiling ear to ear as they demolish her room.  I love it.  I always find myself rooting for the guys on this show, not because I’m a chauvinist but because with this particular program, 9/10 times the story is about the women that have turned their domain into wonderland.  It’s no wonder the guy stops by the bar to get a buzz on before walking into this nightmare every day.  I’m not even going to go into the little convo they had about her cutting and self mutilation because we all have our issues and who am I to judge?  Lord knows I’ve got my own.  but I hope this is therapeutic and can help her.

The big reveal comes, and as happens 100% of the time on this show, they love it and are overwhelmed.  She still has plenty of her shitty, creepy artwork on display  While he gets a pretty big living space with which to watch the game and chug a beer in, even if he’s still surrounded by clowns with bleeding eyes..  Right on, brother.  Lets hear it for small victories.

Quote of the episode “He won’t confront you because it’s not worth it for him to fight you for thirty minutes about a dinosaur with a doll’s head!”

DVR Demon.  I watched this shit.  Now you don’t have to.

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Also, if you’re a dildo about spoilers, tread lightly

Chopped is a show in which four chefs battle it out whipping up three dishes: an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert.  After each meal is presented, the least appealing of the chefs will be “Chopped” or eliminated.  The catch is that for every course they must utilize every ingredient assigned to them inside a mystery box.  And the mystery box can be wicked sometimes.  I don’t know how they do it.

Our first chef works in a hospital. He says “hospital food gets a bad rap.  I’m here to show that it can rock”  BAM!  Instantly rooting for this guy.  As someone who has spent probably 3 months of real time in a hospital bed over the last couple of years, I can tell you with absolute certainty Sutter Roseville(yeah, I’ll put you fuckers on blast) did not get a “bad rap”.  Their food was absolute dogshit and I had to have my old man smuggle me in burgers and fries.  so if this guy’s cause is to serve edible hospital food, I’m all for it.

Haha, what the hell, our theme today is leftovers.  In the appetizer round we get half of a burger in a takeout box, leftover sauteed broccoli, fortune cookies and the remnants of what looks like some Stouffer’s lasagna.  as I said before, I don’t know how they do this.  My man, the hospital cook is making a beef and broccoli lasagna with crisped fortune cookie topping.  Unbelievable.  Ahhhh, he burned the shit out of the cookies!  Fortunately none of them seem to have any idea where fortune cookies will fit in their appetizer.  And why would they?  This show is delightful.  Did I mention they only have 20 minutes between opening the basket and presenting a plate.  That is absurd.

Yeah, buddy.  my man survives the first chop.  Because someone thought it to be a great idea to make a salad with leftover burger, lasagna, fortune cookies and broccoli.  He even probably left the goddamn fortunes in there.  Get to steppin, dude.  My man, the hospital chef has business to attend to.

Our entree round.  BBQ ribs, cold and soggy french fries, a slice of German chocolate cake and leftover chili.  What.  In the Fuck.  Can you make.  With that?  My bro is making some kind of pulled pork and french fry cake with a chili puree and asparagus.  I think I would rather kiss a dog’s asshole.  Holy crap, my dude survives another chop with his pulled pork chocolate barf cake.  Probably because all the girl who got chopped did was reheat the ribs and throw a french fry and chili puree on it that tasted like piss.  ONTO THE DESSERT ROUND!  Go Go Gadget Hospital cuisine!

Leftover corn on the cob, an unfinished pitcher of sangria, packets of duck sauce and stale doughnuts.  Man, these guys are superstars.  My Indian brother is going to turn the doughnuts and corn into a bread pudding and then make a sangria sorbet.  Sangria sorbet sounds delicious.  Where do these guys come up with this shit?  And immediately?  Nooooooooo.  Time’s up and he forgot to put the sorbet on the plate.  Crap, it looked so pretty and tasty, too.  My only saving grace is that the other guy changed his mind about 3 times in the 20 minutes, so I doubt he has a very cohesive product.

In the end, he lost, not just because of the sorbet, but the other guy cooked great stuff all around.  They praised the hell out of him though and let him know that the sorbet may have put him over the top.  Maybe there’s hope for hospital food, after all.  Just not at Sutter Roseville(again, get your shit together), where after a night of getting poked with needles and getting MRIs and ultrasounds, I get to return to my room to find a pancake hard enough to kill a rat with.

DVR Demon.  I watched this shit.  Now you don’t have to.

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Also, if you’re a dildo about spoilers, tread lightly

We begin tonight’s episode with a man holding a watermelon up with one hand and a samurai sword in the other.  AMERICA!  This wouldn’t be Tosh.0 if he didn’t take a wayward swing at it and end up with a palm full of blood and possibly fingers.  Then we’re shown an adorable little tiny midget stripper get a running start off the stage into a waiting patron’s arms who proceeds to drop her on her head.  Hey, it isn’t our fault you’ve drilled the NO TOUCHING rule into our heads since our 18th birthdays.  Tosh makes me laugh by calling the club Wonkadonks.  In this week’s breakdown we see a woman pull up to a McDonald’s drive thru and after being told that the nugget supply will not meet her nugget demand, she calmly gets out of her car and opens the drive thru window throwing some pretty decent haymakers at the poor girl considering the awkward angle she’s punching from.  They get the window shut and the lady smashes it to bits and drives off.  Bulletproof, my ass.

So, next up is a Youtube profile on LOHANTHONY.  You look it up, because I’m sure not giving this weird little man my internet traffic.  He’s 14 years old and I didn’t even know they came this gay, this young.  I don’t hate gay people.  I don’t anything gay people.  I’ve been friends with gay people, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to clown you if you’re acting like a silly faggot.  And I use “faggot” the way that my favorite comedian Louis CK would use it.  “I’m not caliing you a faggot because you’re gay.  I’m calling you a faggot because you’re being a faggot”  And this kid, is definitely one weird faggot.  He does some weird sit back and lay there move where he twirls his leg around as if independent of his body and frankly, it hurt my dick just to watch him do it..  They did a little spoof on the daily Show and thankfully, Daniel sent LOHANTHONY on his way.

Then we meet a newlywed couple entering their honeymoon suite and it’s all princess themed and she’s using the most obnoxious “oooooh” baby voice for everything and you can tell this poor guy’s balls aren’t even in her purse anymore.  they’re in the one she threw in the dumpster to make room for her new much more expensive purse.  I can’t even really do justice to how bad I felt for the poor guy and his life ahead.  So I’ll just let you check it out for yourself.  Stay strong, my brother!

http://tosh.comedycentral.com/video-clips/dbrdbi/the-princess

DVR Demon.  I watched this shit.  Now you don’t have to.

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Also, if you’re a dildo about spoilers, tread lightly

Jimmy Kimmel Live “Andy Samberg; Malin Akerman ; Laura Mvula performs”  As he does every year, with great degrees of success, I may add, Jimmy Kimmel puts 1000 dollars on the line for who he thinks will win Dancing With The Stars.  Kimmel’s pick this year: Amber Riley.  As someone who watched the premiere, I can tell you he could have done a hell of a lot worse than that.  And in one of late night’s greatest recurring bits “Lie Witness News”, his reporter took to the streets of Hollywood to ask passersby what they thought about the DWTS finale.  People were not fans of Jimmy’s dance style, and some, much like myself, thought it was just tasteless that Leah Remini danced without a shirt on.  hahaha, these fucking people, man.  Keep up the good work, Jimmy.

Andy Samberg is his usual affable, unassuming self.  The interview amounted to not much of note, however.  He just got engaged and Jimmy just got married, so the bulk of the conversation was about pre wedding minutiae.  He did drop one truth bomb: In high school, he had shoulder length silken hair and looked like the freshman from Dazed and Confused.  I would kill to see that picture.  what the fuck, Jimmy.  Y’all are supposed to have that stuff ready.  Even Leno is a champ at that and Jay Leno is the devil.  Don’t make me compliment Jay Leno, man.  He reveals that one of his first working gigs was on Charlie Sheen’s version of Spin City, because “Fuck Michael J Fox.  That guy’s an asshole” so he hope’s to follow in Charlie’s footsteps of binging on drugs and women, alienating his coworkers, having a stage 5 meltdown, getting fired, going on an abysmal comedy tour, getting roasted and then getting a new show.  Because that’s what you do.

Malin Akerman is out next and damn, she’s pretty.  But she’s already been naked in every role I’ve seen her play and isn’t exactly lighting the world on fire with her acting, so who really cares?  They spend a while talking about her new baby, and she lets us in on an old family secret remedy.  A pretty off the wall disgusting ass old family remedy.  when your baby is constipated, rip off a stem of parsley, dip it in some olive oil….and just start poking around in your baby’s little asshole and he’ll be pooping in no time.  What the fuck, Malin, too much.  I absolutely want to see every one of you try this now and report back to me, ASAP.  She’s there to promote her new sitcom, Trophy Wife.  If I wasn’t a television critic, I would probably avoid this show at all costs.  So if you’re not a television critic, avoid this show at all costs.

Lastly, Laura Mvula performs.  She is some soul sister/African hybrid from Great Britain.  I did not care for her very much at all.  I found her whole song obnoxious.  Ugggh, I’m starting to fear that I’m turning into my father “It’s all just noise!”  Nuh uh, I would retort, these songs are amazing.  But these days, more often than not, I’m finding myself in the noise camp more than the amazing camp.  Hopefully that can change soon.  Also, women should never ever be bald.  You look like a cancer patient.  and if it turns out that Laura Mvula has cancer, I’m going to feel fucking horrible about that.

DVR Demon.  I watched this shit.  Now you don’t have to.

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