Time: 11:27PM-12:27AM

Channel: 520(Encore Love)

Currently Airing: Addicted To Love

-Matthew Broderick and Meg Ryan try to break up their exes relationship.  Anyone else remember this one?  It ain’t too bad.

-So Broderick(Sam) sets up shop in the abandoned building across from his ex Linda’s apartment and spies on her and has pretend conversations with her as if they are still together.  He quit his job and sold all his shit so that he could devote his time to this.  Seems productive.

-So this is where Sam and Maggie(Meg Ryan) meet.  She busts through the glass and drops through his roof, clad in leather motorcycle gear and mascara for days.  Oh no, this isn’t your daddy’s Meg Ryan.  she’s super badass now.  And Sam’s a pussy, so she sets up spy shop with him because he’s too scared to suggest otherwise.

-Maggie moving in proves worthwhile, because Sam’s setup is pretty weak shit.  She gets a movie screen size view of what’s going on with audio!  While Sam has been simply charting data and looking for irregular patterns.  Nerd.

-Sam goes to destroy Maggie’s setup until she reveals that she bought it by stealing all the money he had.  Fuckin women.

-And of course the first audio Sam hears is Linda’s screaming orgasms.  Poor fella.

-They concoct a plan for Sam to bump into Anton on the street so that Maggie can steal his wallet and ATM card at the same time.  Mission accomplished, but Sam deviates from the plan by punching him in the face, too.  C’mon, man.  Not cool.

-”When I was a kid, my father had this dog that started to get all weak and sickly. He takes it to the vet, he examines it and says a maggot must have laid eggs in the dog’s butt. The baby maggots have crawled up, now they’ve started to grow, and eventually they’re gonna eat the dog alive from the inside. He says it should be put to sleep, because it’s an old dog anyway. But father won’t do it. He takes the dog home, he puts it on the bed, he reaches up into the dog, picking out the maggots with his finger, one by one. It takes him all night, but he gets every last one. That dog outlived my father. That’s love, Sam.” Choice quote

-Sam and Maggie get hammered and break into their apartment causing all sorts of mischievous felonies.  underwear in the couch, hairbrush in the toilet.  inhaling deeply into Linda’s clothes like a creep.

-Drunk Sam and Maggie hook up in the apartment because romantic comedy.

-Sam goes and gets a job at Anton’s restaurant as a dishwasher and they become friends immediately, because that’s something you’ve never heard of, ever.

-Sam uses this gig to spread cockroaches throughout the place while a big food critic is there.  Is that shit real or not?  How does everyone know about the major food critic eating there in every show and movie?

-And just like every scene like this that’s ever been shot, a cockroach ends up right on the critic’s fork as he’s taking a bite.  Ohhhhh, movies.

-Anton gets home from his disaster night and proposes to Linda, who says yes.  Yeesh, hardcore backfire, guys.

-How’s it end?  Probably about how you think it does.

-We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already joined in progress.

The post WHEEL OF TELEVISION! DAY 14! appeared first on screensnark..

Time: 10:08-11:08PM

Channel: 37(msnbc)

Currently Airing: Lock Up: New Mexico

-Yep, nothin better on a Friday night than watching a bunch of these scary motherfuckers try and kill each other.  Beer me, please.

-I wonder if this is where Walter White would have spent his final days.  Spoiler Alert.  Walt has had final days already.

-The guards are finding plastic molding ripped off the stools, which is probably somewhere being melted down into shanks.  I don’t want to be there.  Or here.  Watching them watching me.

-Neck tattoos are a prerequisite at this particular establishment.

-When I said scary motherfuckers up there, I was on point.  If the word ‘motherfucker’ offends you, I’m sorry.  These are some no good scary motherfuckers.

-”I’ve stabbed officers, I’ve sliced officers, I’ve thrown feces and urine bombs at officers” Well, ain’t this guy a peach?

-Gotta admit, I never envisioned the term “feces and urine bomb” to make its way into this column.  TV, man.  Fuckin A

-This show does a better job of making me want to be a good person than Beyond Scared Straight.  This looks horrible.

-A nurse got fired for having inappropriate contact with an inmate. “He’s the best thing that ever happened to me and I wouldn’t take it back”  The inmate: feces bomb guy.  God dammit, lady.  Well, he has a pretty sweet mustache.

-Damn, three days from release, you need to be a choirboy, man.  You can’t be cussing these guards out and getting three more months.  Idiots.

-Jesus, this dude lit his cell on fire and then hid under a blanket with his head in the toilet and when they came in to help he took the fire extinguisher from the guard and started wailing on him.  Scary motherfuckers indeed.  Don’t fight in the middle of a burning room!

-So Feces Bomb and the nurse find a loophole that if they get married then she’ll be allowed to visit him there.  I think these crazy kids are gonna make it, you guys.

-Man, after a week in the hospital-where they take care of me and are nice to me, I start to feel a little insane.  Like, I gotta get the fuck out of here.  I have no earthly idea how I could handle prison.  Forget it.  These motherfuckers would eat me alive.

-We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already joined in progress.

The post WHEEL OF TELEVISION! DAY 13! appeared first on screensnark..

Time: 7:00PM-8:00PM

Channel: 57(FX)

Currently Airing: Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen

-Hey it’s my first repeat customer on the wheel.  Good ol’ dependable FX!

-Ahhhhhh crap.

-How long are we going to keep trying to make Josh Duhamel a thing?  It’s over people.  It’s done.

-I could use a job, but I still feel profound sadness at the Domino’s commercial of the dude who folds the world’s fastest pizza boxes or whatever.  Hey, you do you, bro.  It’s a skill.

-I’ve never been to Dave and Buster’s.  It looks like so much fun.  I’d love to go while I can still stand.

-haha, I forgot about the two racist “black” robots

-Sam Witwicky?  That is not a surname.  Have any of you met a Witwicky in your entire life?

When in doubt, there’s always her.

-I actually liked Shia LaBeouf before these movies and then he became a total douchebag.  Don’t believe me? go to Youtube and watch literally any interview he’s done on any talk show in the last four or five years.  I’m not saying he’s addicted to cocaine, but he should probably stop doing cocaine.

-I don’t remember anything about this movie.  Lke, nothing.  But Optimus Prime is dead in the desert and Sam and the gang are driving over there to revive him with some pixie dust Egyptian shit or something and a plane is firing missiles down at them missing every one by MERE INCHES!

-At least John Turturro’s there to add some legitimacy to the proceedings, because Shia, Megan Fox, Duhamel and Tyrese are bringing weak shit.

-At least visually, it’s pretty sweet.  It looks like the final level of an Uncharted game, running through Egyptian temples while the Decepticons begin their assault by blowing everything to smithereens.

“Where the fuck is Optimus?!”

-A bunch of bulldozers and construction equipment just transformed into some giant dinosaur looking robot and that was kinda cool

-Shia and Tits just jumped off a building mid explosion, landed, got up and just kept running.  At best, that fall would fuck you up for 20-30 seconds and even then, you’d be limping.

-Now Sam’s parents are there, because Michael Bay, and Bumblebee kicks the crap out a robot that was about to flatten them.

-Acting in these kinds of movies must feel so dumb.  Either your stuntman is getting beat up or you spend months reacting to a little moving tennis ball like it’s gonna kill you.

-I…can’t describe the action right now.  It’s a total clusterfuck.  Aliens beating the shit out of pyramids, other robots bashing each other, the military firing at everything while Shia and Tits run through the raindrops unscathed.

-It’s taking this robot exceptionally long to take apart this pyramid, considering they’ve taken everything else down as if it were made of paper mache.

-If I had one of Taco Bell’s new Triple Steak Stacks right here, I wouldn’t NOT eat it.

-I am literally laughing out loud at the amount of explosions happening simultaneously, one after the other during this action sequence.  What is your deal, Michael Bay? Were the Egyptian ruins just littered with barrels of TNT?

-Oh, what the fuck ever.  So Sam dies, and gets sent to what?  Autobot world where they send him right back to save Optimus Prime?  Is that what happens when we die?  We have to live with enormous, scary robot aliens?

-So, yeah.  Sam saves Optimus and then he just whoops all the ass.  Fin.

-Oh, and if that wasn’t enough ridiculous robot violence, Real Steel is up next!

“Nyet! Nyet! No More! No! Not tonight!”

The post WHEEL OF TELEVISION! DAY 12! appeared first on screensnark..

Time: 3:54-4:54PM

Channel: 136(G4)

Currently Airing: LOST

-Meh, I’m not the biggest LOST fan on the planet, but the wheel has been much crueler

-Too bad it’s about over, because it’s at least a Ben-centric episode and he was one of the more interesting characters

-Episode ends with Ben telling Charles Widmore that he’s going to kill his daughter.  But first he needs to go back and find the island.  Or will Charles find it first?!  “I guess the race is on for the both of us” This is a silly ass show.

Currently Airing: Another episode of LOST

-I kinda figured.  That’s what G4 is these days.  Whatever is airing at the time you flip there, chances are extremely high you’re about to get more of it.

-Episode begins with Jack very ill and giving a pep talk to his people(who don’t trust Faraday and the redheaded girl, can’t remember her name) as he collapses in the middle of it.  Fuck, A Jack-centric episode?  Why couldn’t I have caught the tail end of this one?

-In the flash forward, Jack and Kate are totes banging.  Meat wallets, nice.

-BAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHM!  LOSTTTTTTTT!

-Faraday, you’ll always be poor, tragic Dickie Bennett to me.  Now mess your hair up more!

-D’aww, Jack is reading Aaron a bedtime story.  Why do they have Aaron again?  I forgot so much about this show.  Didn’t Claire end up as some rugged survivorwoman on the island?

-Back at the island, Sawyer, Claire and Miles are walking around when Miles starts hearing voices and stops and starts to dig and finds the French woman and some other guy buried there.  “I didn’t sign up for this, man!” I really didn’t care for this show, but the writing about it for comedy purposes is delightful.

-Juliet and Kate are bickering over taking care of a sick Jack, because damsels. Juliet diagnoses that his appendix is going to have to come out.  Island surgery, YES!

-Sawyer plays papa bear when he catches Miles checking out a breastfeeding Claire.  That’s Charlie’s girl, mate!  Wait, Charlie’s dead at this point.  Don’t be a cockblock, Sawyer.

-Jack insists to be awake during the procedure so that he can assist, with Kate there to hold a mirror.  Oh, Jack is such a wiener.

-Back to the future! Jack gets called to the nuthouse because Hurley refuses to take his meds.  When Jack asks the therapist why the sessions aren’t going well, his response is “because he doesn’t think I exist” haha, this fucking show, man.

-Hurley’s been getting visits from Charlie, you know, DEAD Charlie.  He gave Hurley a message to pass along to Jack “You’re not supposed to be raising him” Jack takes offense to this and tells him to just shut the fuck up and take his meds.  Before he leaves, Hurley tells him that he’ll be getting a visit from someone too.  Soon.   Ooooooh, how ominous.

-Kate reassures Jack that he’s doing a great job raising Aaron and then he proposes to her.  He just…kinda does it.  No romance or anything.  Jack is such a wiener.

-There are ads for exercise equipment during every commercial break.  You are sorely missing your target demo.  It is not people binge watching LOST on a Thursday afternoon.

-So Jack is just having lytacaine(sp?) applied to the area.  They put that stuff on my foot to numb it before digging around and it still hurts like a mother.  Fuck that shit, Jack.  THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!

-haha, Jack starts screaming almost immediately and Juliet yells at Kate to get the fuck outta there and tells Bernard to knock him out, which he promptly does with a rag of chloroform.  Way to be, Bernard.  Quick thinking.

-Claire, Miles and Sawyer are all sleeping around a fire when she awakens in a panic because Aaron isn’t there, but then she sees an older gentleman rocking him back and forth “Dad?!” Oh, good grief.  LOST, you guys.  If this article is hard to follow, imagine watching all six seasons of this nonsense.

-Welp, that’s about enough of that shit.  We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already joined in progress.

The post WHEEL OF TELEVISION! DAY11! appeared first on screensnark..

Time: 3:52PM-4:52PM

Channel: 476(FUSE)

Currently Airing: The Five Heartbeats

-I have no idea what this is, bros.  I’ll keep you posted.

-It appears to be the story of a singing group trying to make it in the 60s.  Like That Thing You Do for the black man.

-I must be nearing the end of it because one of them was just shot trying to rob a liquor store.  The Oneders never tried to pull that shit.

–They’re all at some awards show receiving gold records and get in a fight and break up the group

-Years later, the lead singer receives a letter from his brother saying he invested all his earnings in a church and invites him to come.  He shows up and the choir is singing their song and they look at each other and cry.  This movie is cornball.

-The movie ends at a barbecue where all the Heartbeats show the kids what music is supposed to sound like.  Fin.  Thank god.

Currently Airing: Trending 10

-Your guess is as good as mine.  Probably some twitter bullshit.

-Yep, two twinkle eyed hosts read tweets from Justin Timberlake before launching into his video for “TKO”

-Whoa, this girl is dragging Justin through the dirt behind a truck.  While he sings!  The man is a national treasure.

-Kid Cudi tweeted that he cannot fucking wait for you to hear his new JAMZ.  Are you guys ready for it?!  JAMZ!

-Panic At The Disco video time!  Oh golly, I can’t wait for this.

-This dude is literally naked in front of a black background and screaming.  I need an adult.

-So….am I a goth, an emo, or a vampire kid now?

-Lady Gaga is so fucking weird.  Just wear clothes, you stupid goofy ass.

-Blake and Miranda hold down the country world like Jay Z and Beyonce.  Just passing that along.

-Carrie Underwood is really really ridiculously good looking

-Welp, that’s about enough of that shit.  We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already joined in progress.

The post WHEEL OF TELEVISION! DAY10! appeared first on screensnark..

Time: 3:13-4:13 PM

Channel: 416(NBA TV)

Currently Airing: NBA Pregame

-Eh, The wheel has been much crueler to me than this.  But I haven’t fervently followed the NBA for like 10 years.

-They are verbally fellating the Brooklyn Nets as if they’re going to get backstage passes to the next Jay-Z/Beyonce concert

-What, Garnett, Pierce and Kidd are on the Nets now?  With Deron Williams?  Shows how much I’ve been paying attention.  That’s like a fucking all star team.

-And the payroll shows it.  The Nets have the highest payroll in the league at 101 million dollars over the next highest, The Knicks at 86 million.  Damnnnn.

-They show clips teasing an interview with Garnett where he’s eating breakfast and this fool has like 14 plates in front of him like he’s fuckin Michael Phelps.  How can you eat that much food and be in such phenomenal shape.  It’s like how all the best competitive eaters are these normal ass guys.  You know that Joey Chestnut shits like a Clydesdale.  That motherfucker can fill a toilet bowl.  I’m getting gross.  Moving on…

-Now they’re talking up Kyrie Irving as a beast like he’s gonna take the Cavs to victory over this all star team.  nope.  But I love you, Kyrie.  Duke represent!

-They have a basketball court in studio that they’re all standing around passing the ball around.  Reminds me of SPORTS SESH on Eastbound and Down

-Maybe it’s residual Sacramento love, but Chris Webber is my dude and always will be.

-lol, now they’re dogging Cleveland.  Every time they get close, huge NOPE! Browns ain’t shit, but the FORMER Browns the Ravens have two rings now.  Indians may as well be the actual Major League Indians and then the Cavs got BRON’d.  Poor city.

-Ohhhhh, Allen Iverson’s in the house!  We talkin bout practice, man.  PRACTICE!

-AI’s top ten plays of his career air.  Sheesh, his crossover was just stupid.  The term “ankle breaker” was probably coined because of him.  And he could dunk!  Probably the best sub 6 foot player of all time.

-Webber was his teammate for a short while and when he asked Iverson why he’s killing himself out there every play, his response was “You gotta go hard.  Every game I’ve ever played it was the first time someone came to see me in person and I ain’t gonna let em down.”  That’s pretty fucking cool.

-So Doc Rivers made a bold proclamation that the Staples Center is going to become the place to see the Clippers and not the Lakers.  The teams definitely seem to be headed in opposite directions and I like Doc stepping up for his crew like that.  How about you guys?

-Talk turns to Damarcus Cousins, who in Sacramento where I live has been a very polarizing figure.  We like him because he’s super talented, but we dislike him because he’s a huge dickhead.  With Shaq as his new mentor, we hope he can turn the corner.

-Everyone seems to think the big 3 in Miami will re-sign at the end of the season.  Lovely.  Because Miami’s fans deserve that.  They show up in the second quarter and leave halfway though the 4th to drink their mojitos and eat their crab legs.  Fuck you, Miami sports fans

-haha, New Orleans Pelicans.  I forgot about that.

-Andrew Bynum active for tonight’s game.  Uh oh.  Aren’t his knees held together by bubble gum like Bill and Ted’s phone booth?  RUFUS!

-I may actually watch some of this game.  They’ve sufficiently hyped me up a bit.  C-Webb’s thousand watt smile can do wonders for this guy.

-Welp, that’s about enough of that shit.  We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already joined in progress.

Like the column?  Comment below, let me know!

The post WHEEL OF TELEVISION! DAY 9! appeared first on screensnark..

Time: 2:38-3:38

Channel: 9(QVC)

Currently Airing: Affinity Diamond Jewelry

-Sorry about the absence.  Medical emergency.  Love ya’ll for the well wishes

-Oh, God dammit.  Hard Whammy.  Super Whammy!

-What the hell?  I thought QVC was for lonely old ladies late at night with a credit card.  These earrings are a thousand dollars!(or 6 easy payments of 166.50!)  Put down the plastic right now, grandma!

-haha, today is the ONLY day they’re offering the payment plan because of course it is.

-Could this dude be any more gay?  Like offensively gay?

-These are great for red carpet events.  You hear that, Mila Kunis?  QVC got you!

-Now we get a sterling ring for only 423 dollars.  What the fuck is this!?  I was unaware that QVC skews towards the upper class real houswhores.

-”If you don’t like to be noticed, maybe this ring isn’t for you”.  Ohhhh, gay bro is so greasssssy.

-Nice, lay on the holiday guilt.  This’ll get you out of the doghouse in a flash.  These people are reprehensible.

-Gay bro is crying now.  It’s his last show after 14 years.  Weird that I was here to see that.

Got a thousand bucks, pretty lady?

-Sweet, now it’s time for shoes, you guys.  SHOOOOOOOOES!  Oh my godddddd.

-”Can’t you just see her commanding a conference in those?” What?  No, No I can’t.  At all.  What are you talking about?!

-The price on these shoes has been marked down TODAY ONLY from 129.00 to 128.64.  Is that a joke?

-I don’t know, fellas.  I’m watching women sell shoes.  I don’t understand much of anything that’s being said.  I can tell you that these shoes are very plain and boring and I’m clockwatching at this point.

-I like the spokesladies making snide half burns on the pretty models.  What’s your name? Amy?  Oh, Amanda?  How about you wear the shoes, dear.  I’ll worry about the rest.  Reaowwwr!

-”These are probably the best shoes I’ve ever put on my feet.  I own several.” Whoa, who put that call through?  What a controversial take!  PROBABLY?

-Ohh, cute and sporty sexy boots.  I am in hell, you guys.

-Pouring water on the boots to prove their water resistance has easily been the most exciting thing to happen so far.  Yeah.

-Why are they standing in front of a Christmas tree?  It isn’t even Halloween yet!

-Enough.  I’ve had it.  hour’s up.  Wheel of TV did me so wrong today.  I need to go lie down.

You like this column?  comment below, let me know!

The post WHEEL OF TELEVISION! DAY 8! appeared first on screensnark..

Time: 9:39-10:39PM

Channel: 57(FX)

Currently Airing: Hancock

-I just finished off a 3 and a half hour game between the Tigers and A’s where it was 0-0 in the 9th.  You were either going to get slightly inebriated FURIOUS Joel or slightly inebriated ELATED Joel.  Well, Woo hoo, motherfuckers!

-Hancock?  Crap.  Kind of a whammy there, wheel.  I thought we were doing alright.  Why you gotta do this to us?

-The first two thirds of this movie weren’t all that bad.  The sole existence of Charlize Theron’s character negated all of that. Good for me that I’m smack dab in the third act here.

-Sons Of Anarchy promo.  Hey bros and she-bros, Do you like the Walking Dead, Breaking Bad or Dexter but find them entirely lacking in violence.  Boy, do I ever have the show for you.

-I love in superhero movies how randos get thrown hundreds of feet through buildings and glass and walls and nobody gives a shit.  That dude probably had a family, liked to Barbecue and watch the Raiders on Sundays, teach his son how to play guitar…that was a person, man.  and you just threw him through a building.  If he isn’t dead, he isn’t moving a muscle anytime soon, because you broke every bone in his body.  Hancock is a dick.

-I still don’t quite understands at the end of the movie here.  I won’t spoil it for you guys that haven’t watched this, like, 8 year old blockbuster, but I’ll tell you that it’s fucking dumbass.

-I still have a while to go here.  I bet you a million dollars, it’s another superhero blockbuster, or some giant action movie.  I know you, FX!

-Orrrrr, it’s Hancock again.  wonderful.  This is like when my mom took me to see Gremlins as a kid and we got there late and watched Gremlins and then sat there and watched it again because we missed the first fifteen minutes.  I was like 7.  I DID NOT want to watch Gremlins again!

-They said Hancock’s big stunt of heroics taking out the car in the car chase opening action set the city back 9 million dollars.  Watch it on youtube.  I’ll wait.  That shit cost way more than 9 million dollars.  by like, 10s of millions, easy.  He’s a careless drunk superhero, and kind of awesome.  as I said, it falls apart, but the first act is fun as hell.

-Holy shit, Buddy Garrity is in this?  And he isn’t buying what Jason Bateman is selling.  Free medicine.  There’s no Obamacare in Hancockiverse.

-The image of Hancock stopping a train is easily the coolest image of the movie.  It’s all downhill from here.

-I want one of these KFC Go Cups now.  They look legit for $2.49

-Spaghetti Madness Thursday just sounds like a fantastic idea.  With meatballs and everything.  Shit yeah.  Bateman’s family has solid traditions.

-You’re starting to sense that I’m hungry again, aren’t you?  That happens in these columns.  I just horfed down a bag of chili cheese Fritos while watching the ballgame.  I’m okay.  God forbid the day the wheel lands me on the Food Network.

-Question: Joe’s the comic book nerd on staff.  Tell me, How does Hancock get fucked up pass out drunk?  He’s basically the Incredible Hulk.  How much whiskey is this guy drinking to get in that state?

-Ha, nevermind.  The scene where he throws the bully five miles into the air might be the best scene.  And Hancock just lands on places and completely destroys the environment.  Like, people have to drive on this cul-de-sac, man.  And you just mangled it to drop in and say Hi.

-These American Horror Story: Coven promos don’t scare me at all.  Oh a snake is just going into a girls mouth until it disappears.  Nothing weird there.  Stop it, AHS!  Right now!  I will not be covering that show.  I’ll leave it to my weirdo staffers that are into that kinda shit.

-You know why I like Hancock, the guy?  Because Nancy Grace is on the TV talking mad shit about him and FUCK NANCY GRACE FOREVER!

-I pressed my luck and landed on $400 + a spin.  Not too bad.  No Whammy!

–Welp, that’s about enough of that shit.  I return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already joined in progress.

The post WHEEL OF TELEVISION! DAY 7! appeared first on screensnark..

Time: 2:10-3:10PM

Channel: 71(VH1)

Currently Airing: Miami Monkey

-WTF is this?  I’ll bet a million dollars this show is not nearly as fun as its title would suggest

-Oh, it’s a show about a bar where a bunch of hot chicks work practically naked.  I can work with this.

-Except for one thing: The boss lady’s name is Big Ang and she sounds like the daughter of Clint Eastwood, Robert DeNiro and a carton of Marlboros and she looks like this:

-I can’t even, I just can’t.

-These ladies are hot.  I want to go to this bar.  Although not the ones that are dripping with spray tan

-So the bar DJ, Nate is trying to get with two chicks there: A hot little blonde haired blue eyed number and a fiery latina.  They’re both smokin hot and hate each other because they want Nate’s Nutz.

-Naturally, Nate invites them both to go paddleboarding on Saturday because Nate’s a dumbass.  You don’t get looks and brains, ladies.  Gotta choose.  Hasn’t Nate ever seen any sitcom ever?  You gotta run back and forth between dates, not invite them to the same date.  Rookie mistake.  This should be fun.

-Meanwhile, over in Disgustiworld, Big Ang takes her superstar hottie bartender Morgan out for a photo shoot, and barks instructions at her through a fucking traffic cone.  I’d show you this as well, but I’m never posting a pic of Big Ang again.  Also, I spared you a full body photo and her tits are planetoids.  Know what?  Be right back, barfing.

-I haven’t eaten yet today.  These Subway commercials are taunting me.

-So Big Ang shows back up at the bar sloppy ass, belligerent drunk, and everyone is furious with Morgan for hanging out with her and letting her drink.  How’s that work?  Morgan is hot, and haters gon hate, I guess.

-VH1 knows its demo. 90% of these commercials are for beauty care products.  Maybe it’s you.  Maybe it’s Maybelline, or maybe you’re just busted.

-So Cristina shows up to the big paddleboard date and Ryan gets super pissyface and mopes on the beach.  You want Nate’s Nutz, this is a good start.  You could learn from Cristina

-So yeah, Ryan steams on the beach while Nate and Cristina basically bang one out in the water.  Is Nate my dude?  Nate might officially be my dude.

-Could’ve been worse.  I pressed my luck and landed on a Miami vacation for 2.  Let’s go to the Monkey so I can console Ryan.

–Welp, that’s about enough of that shit.  I return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already joined in progress.

The post WHEEL OF TELEVISION! DAY 6! appeared first on screensnark..

Time: 1:38-2:38PM

Channel: 417(NFL Network)

Currently Airing: Derrick Thomas: A Football Life

-Aw man, this guy died too early. I remember watching a primetime game once where he had like 6 sacks in one half.  This dude put fools on blast.

-Sounds like he blew right through his money as he made it.  Either on drugs, cars and women or on his community and the youngsters.  Weird.  It’s usually one or the other.

-Footage of the “Monday Night Meltdown” is shown, where Shannon Sharpe of the Broncos got into his head bad enough for him to commit penalty after penalty and cost his team the game.  Derrick was a hothead.

-And now we get to his tragic passing, where he was racing through Kansas City trying to get to St. Louis for the Rams playoff game.  There was an ice storm and 11 people got into car accidents and died that day.  Derrick’s spine was severed and he was paralyzed from the neck down..

-His car flew off the highway and flipped several times and the passenger wearing a seatbelt walked away, and another had died.

-Derrick sadly still believed he would play football agin

-He died at 33 of a blodclot in his leg that traveled to his lungs.

-Sorry this one ain’t too funny, guys.  DT was a great athlete and this is just sad and not much to goof on here.

-His young daughter drew a picture for him and threw it in the air on a windy day in hopes that it would fly to heaven.  What the fuck, man?  Is the Wheel of TV supposed to make me cry, because damn.

-We end on his well deserved Hall Of Fame induction

-In short, Derrick Thomas was a beast.  He was a fuckin rhino.  Built in the same mold as Lawrence Taylor, Kevin Greene, Reggie White.  He was a quarterback killer.  If you never got to see him play, it’s a shame.  But hey, that’s what Youtube is for.  To this day, I’d wager that #58 is the most plentiful jersey on display at Arrowhead Field on any given Sunday.

-What’s up next?  Something lighter, I hope.

-Oh, Ray Rice is still questionable for Sunday’s game.  Awesome.  I finally get this guy on my fantasy team and he’s been a total shitheap.

-This program is called Man to Man.  In this episode, today’s NFL QBs have chats with NFL Network “analysts” like Michael Irvin and Deion Sanders.  Lord help me.

-Firs up is Michael Irvin and Russell Wilson.  Wilson was one of last season’s great underdog stories.  As far as the rookies went, all anybody talked about was Andrew Luck vs. RGIII, and Wilson quietly turned the Seattle Seahawks from a joke to playoff contenders, taking the Falcons to the limit in the NFC divisional round last year.

-Russell Wilson looks like a little kid playing a man’s game.  He talks about how Pete Carroll has become his father figure and shown him more love than his own father did and it’s kind of touching.  Makes me see Carroll in a different light.  When all you ever see of these coaches is screaming on the sidelines and press conferences, you tend to think they’re douchebags, but he seems like a good guy here.

-Whenever I see commercials for tools, I feel such shame.  I am so NOT a man in that regard. I couldn’t build a 2×4 if you handed me a 2×4.  In a family full of construction workers, I feel like a big lameass.  Creating things from parts handed to me has always been an Achilles heel.  I took Arts and Crafts my senior year of high school and needed a passing grade to graduate.  Luckily, my teacher was a stoner drunk who liked me and gave me like a D so that I could graduate.  My actual grade in that class: 18%.  18%!!  That’s like an F – - – -

-Wilson has huge hands.  You know what that means, ladies.  It helps him throw the football real well.  Don’t be gross.

-At the end of his career, he hopes to be as beloved in the city as Ken Griffey Jr.  You hear that, Cam?  He’s coming for your love!

-Next up, Andrew Luck and Marshall Faulk.  At least that makes sense as Faulk is a former Colt that played with Luck’s predecessor, Peyton Manning.

-Andrew Luck is a strange looking man

-Luck talks about Jim Harbaugh as his coach at Stanford and how awesome it was to go back to the bay area and beat the Harbaugh led 49ers. “I guess he shouldn’t have taught me so much”

-Faulk ribs him for still having a flip phone.  Who gives a shit?  what’s wrong with a RAZR?

–Welp, that’s about enough of that shit.  I return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already joined in progress.

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